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November 2012 Moms
Showers
So I don't want to seem petty or ungrateful, but I wanted to run things past you guys. The background: My mom has a large family, which I love. We don't need much of an excuse to have a party. Whenever anyone gets married, has a baby, graduates, etc... we have a shower or party. Generally all the Aunts and Uncles put in a do a big present and several smaller ones, while the rest of us obviously bring our own gifts.
Well our shower is tomorrow. I was a little concerned when this date was suggested because I worried that people wouldn't be able to come over Labor Day weekend, but ultimately decided that there is no date that will accommodate everyone and I wanted to be as flexible as possible for my Aunts who are throwing the party.
Anyway, I just looked at our registry and no one has bought anything. Well that's not completely true. Things bought thus far: a bottle brush, baby nail clippers and a "Hungry Caterpillar" board book. So what I'm wondering is, does this mean that we are going to get a lot of random things that are NOT on our registry?? What has been you guys' experience with showers? Do most people buy from the registry? Is there a way for people to buy things off the registry and for them not to appear as "purchased"?
And IF, we get a lot of things that are not what we need (registered for) is it wrong for me to try to return these items for the items that we actually need and want?
I'm probably more worried about this than is necessary. I mean obviously anything that people are generous enough to give is welcome. But we are worried about finances right now and if we have to shell out for all of the necessities for baby, it is really going to hurt us.
Anyway, please don't think I'm being petty or selfish or ungrateful. I'd really like to hear other opinions on this.
BTW - I'm really excited for the shower!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Showers
This is what I experienced at my shower.
People would pick items off my registry at Target but found it cheaper at another store and bought it that way.
Or they waited until the very last minute to buy something.
There is nothing wrong with returning items you do not need. I would not feel guilty about it.
I just had my shower and was in the same boat. I ended up getting almost all clothes, and only four people/groups used the registry. I am going to try and return some of them since it's a bit too much and there are so many other things we need, but will end up keeping a lot of them since there was a pretty good mix of sizes. At least I can say now that I am totally set up in that department!
In my case, based on a few comments from my MIL about not liking the idea of registries, I am fairly certain she didn't even pass the info along to guests with her invites. Everything I got was completely adorable, and I am more than appreciative, but it was a little frustrating after spending so much time on my registry. At least I basically have a checklist for myself now though.
I'll also add that if someone didn't mention the item they bought was off a registry, or the person at the store rang it wrong and not through the registry, the item won't come off your registry, and will appear to be not purchased... so there is still "hope" in that regard. I don't know how common this mistake is, tho.
For my bridal shower, I had a lot of people buy the same item off my registry. If they didn't go to the counter and have them take it off the registry, it never came off. I had things I got three of. I clearly didn't need them. so I kept one and took the others back. I don't think anyone will be offended if you do that, except that some people like to see their little outfits on your child, so if its from somebody you see often and you like the outfit... I mean, your kid needs clothes anyway, right?
If there are things you really need, you don't get, and you can't afford, You can find some decent stuff on Craigs List... I just bought an entire wardrobe of maternity clothes for thirty bucks. I know there's stuff they suggest you don't buy secondhand, but if it's either secondhand or not at all, hey... you gotta do what you gotta do.
What you described as far as a big group going in on a big gift together is what's also normal in my circle for showers so I assumed that'd be happening for me as well with DD. Well, the big items never got purchased but at the end of the 2 showers I had received, I realized I had MORE than enough gift cards to cover both our car seat and stroller along w/ all the random stuff (30+ baby blankets, not even kidding!) that was not on my registry. So you never know how it'll work out. That being said, PP is right, even if it is disappointing to not get the really useful items, they're ultimately your responsibility. Hope you're able to enjoy your shower and time with family.
You should starts saving NOW for the items your really need. Look at consignment shops (once upon a child), get the word out to friends, look at craiglist...etc. There are ways to save.
Actually, this is not entirely true.
"The modern baby shower started after WWII during the baby boom era and evolved with the consumer ideology of 1950s and 1960s. In other words, baby showers in the mid-twentieth century not only served an economic function by providing the mother-to-be and her home with material goods that lessened the financial burden of infant care, but purchased ?things? also emerged as the principle whereby women make themselves into mothers. The commodities associated with pregnancy and birth served to construct the identity of the fetus as a social being (and often become treasured objects of many women who lose their baby). Rituals of the modern baby shower include ?showering? the mother-to-be with presents, making shopping trips organized around the baby-to-be, establishing a playful atmosphere at the shower, and placing the mother-to-be on a chair for her to sit on as she opens her gifts and passes them around for her guests to view (Clarke 2004)."
Give the original poster a break!
Ummm...seriously?!? So because someone published the origin/purpose of baby showers, that makes depending on everyone else to provide basic necessities for your child perfectly okay. I couldn't disagree more. Showering the mother-to-be with baby gifts is perfectly fine, and fun to do. Hoping and stressing as a mother-to-be about whether or not someone else is going to buy you a crib, nail clippers, and diapers is really sad. It's your kid. Buy your own stuff. Everything else is a GIFT from people who are excited for you. That's it!
Failing to see your point. You cannot dictate GIFTS that people get you. Just because the OP doesn't get gifts on her registry doesn't mean said gifts aren't valuable or important.
1) I have never purchased a shower gift ahead of time. 90% of your guests will buy something on the way to the shower.
2) There are very very few "necessities" for a baby. Baby needs a place to sleep, a way to ride in the car, diapers, a few clothes, and a way to eat. That is IT. Everything else is for you to make your life more convenient. It is NOT a necessity. If money is really that tight then stick to the basics. Gliders, changing tables, fancy matching cribs and dressers, mobiles, and a thousand baby gadgets are not anything you have to buy. You can buy "necessities" for under $500 ($150 for an ikea crib and mattress and $70 for an infant carseat, which leave a lot of room in the budget for diapers, clothes and some bottles)
Some of you posters really piss me off. Americans seem to have this stupid idea that you need to do everything alone; raise kids, endure hardships and buy stuff. Well guess what? Your economy is in the effing toilet, and your fellow Americans are being stretched financially. For them to admit that or ask for help (or hope for useful shower gifts) is not greedy, it's a sign of the times. For christsakes, stop it with your rampant, sick vision of individualism and look around you. People need to help each other. People fall on tough times through no fault of their own. Not everyone who is financially struggling is lazy or stupid or trying to take advantage of the generosity of others. Stop believing the BS rhetoric that if you just work hard enough the "American Dream" can be yours. It's complete hogwash and it keeps you all from really empathizing with those who are less fortunate.
Every one of you that has tried to shame the original poster for her honesty and stress can take your sellf-righteous attitudes and stuff them up your ass. You are not the etiquette police and you have no business implying that if someone is struggling to afford the necessities for a child they are somehow unfit to parent.
Rant over.
Are you effing kidding me? Americans have a "stupid idea" that you should do everything alone? "Rampant sick version of Americanism"? People "fall on tough times through no fault of their own"? The American dream is "hogwash" and we should really "empathize" with those who are less fortunate? Are you really effing kidding me? What planet do you live on? Have you ever been to America? Have you ever lived in another country BESIDES America?
This country is the epitome of consumerism at its best. The fact that we go make a list of what we want everyone to buy us for our baby, and call it a "registry" and throw a "party" is about as American as you get. And by the way, sweetie, in this country, if you fall on "tough times", it most definitely IS your own fault. Especially if you decide to have a child when you cannot afford one. There are millions and millions of jobs available, go to work. In no other country on this planet is being financially unstable your own fault more than it is in America. I don't know what ridiculous fluffy news you're watching/reading, but you're about the most uninformed person who posted on this thread. No one said the OP was an unfit parent, stop putting words in people's mouths.
No, I am not American, and for that I am glad; I am Canadian and live in a country that although deeply flawed, still believes in using their capital and community resources to help others. Perhaps that is why I can so clearly see the gaping holes in the American individualist rhetoric that leads ignorant posters such as yourself to make completely untrue statements:
"And by the way, sweetie, in this country, if you fall on "tough times", it most definitely IS your own fault."
Oh, ok. I guess all of those people who have lost their jobs due to the recession or have had foreclosures on their homes should just toughen up and work harder. I guess those single mothers already working two jobs just to try and pay for childcare should just think more positively. I guess those whose income isn't enough to pay both rent and food should just stop being so lazy. Riiiight.
"Especially if you decide to have a child when you cannot afford one."
Mmmm hmmmm. I guess all of those women who are unable to afford birth control, or who can't access abortion services or who were raped or who, through increasingly insane legislation have less and less control over their bodies are just horrible, irresponsible people. Also, the ones that lose their job (such as being fired for being pregnant), or are forced to conceive by their partners are just as bad! Oh, those awful women, going and having babies that they can't afford.
"There are millions and millions of jobs available, go to work."
Really? Because according to the latest census figures unemployment is still at one of the highest rates it has ever been in the US, and has taken another turn for the worse in the past month:
<iframe width="400" height="325" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" src="https://www.google.ca/publicdata/embed?ds=z1ebjpgk2654c1_&ctype=l&strail=false&bcs=d&nselm=h&met_y=unemployment_rate&fdim_y=seasonality:S&scale_y=lin&ind_y=false&rdim=country&idim=country:US&ifdim=country&hl=en_US&dl=en&ind=false&q=us+unemployment+rate"></iframe>
Want more? Why not check out your own government statistics on unemployment:
https://www.bls.gov/news.release/empsit.nr0.htm
Of course, I'm sure that there must be a rational explanation for all of this. I'm sure the millions of unemployed Americans are not going and working these "millions of jobs" because they're lazy and they don't feel like it. Yeah, that must be it.
I don't read rediculous, "fluffy" news, I pay attention to actual researched facts and social phenomena. The fact is, the US is in a massive recession that has negatively impacted almost everyone in the working classes, and hit those in poverty the hardest. People like yourself who mistakenly believe that poverty and unemployment are the fault of people who don't work hard enough is just making it worse.You're not only deluded and ignorant, you're cruel.
You are the worst kind of citizen, one who would see the suffering of her fellow Americans as "their own fault" and who would refuse to empathize with those less fortunate. If you're a so-called Christian, that makes it even worse; I'm sure Jesus would be really pleased by his "children" mocking the dire needs of those who have fallen on hard times. Yes, that's perfectly in line with his teachings.
You and other posters DID infer that the original poster was somehow irresponsible in expressing that she might not being able to outright afford the basics for her child. I don't put words in mouths, I read between the lines. The inference was clear: suck it up and pay for it all yourself, you have no right to expect support (material or otherwise) from others, and if you do that makes you a bad person/parent. This ISN'T about the OP being consumeristic or greedy. This ISN'T about the problematic material culture that we are all enveloped in. This is about the underlying harmful beliefs and ideas that cause us to shame and blame those who are less fortunate and turn our backs on our fellow citizens.
No one is a bad person or parent for hoping for useful items for their baby shower. No one is a materialistic, greedy consumer for helping to guide others to the items they will need for a baby by using a registry. Most people want to help their friends and family obtain the things they need to raise a child; they view buying a gift as an act of love and support, not a consumer obligation. The fat that you tend to only see greed as a motive says far more about you than it does about the original poster.
Therein lies your most ignorant, assumptive flaw of all. What makes you think I am American?
You don't live in America. You don't know anything about living in America's economy. You read stuff and form opinions and make assumptions based on something you're not familiar with. There are millions of jobs available. There are lots of people who don't want to work. There are also lots of people who do want to work, but can't find jobs for whatever reason. This is not a problem exclusive to America. Providing me with links to government websites does not make your point. Calling me cruel, deluded, and ignorant makes your entire flawed random rant and attack lose all of its merit.
Again, no one said the OP was an unfit/bad parent. You are the only one who mentioned that.
Don't spew your "Christian" crap at someone who doesn't believe in imaginary friends and their "teachings". Again, more assumptions.
You continue doing your "research", vocally vomiting your infinite wisdom and expertise on the American economy, and making uneducated assumptions about something you are entirely unfamiliar with. Oh, and OP is fretting about who will buy her baby the things she thinks it needs....maybe you should fork out some dough to help her??
Hahaha, nice try. You've got plenty of assumptions going yourself, which is really putting the ASS into it.
I'm not a Christian, I never said I was. I have spent plenty of time in the US and have lived abroad in Europe and Latin America as well. For most of my life, I have lived minutes from the US border. Believe me, I've seen first hand the ghost towns and virulent poverty that has been spreading through the US due to capitalist expansion into developing countries and poor domestic economic policies. Anyone who reads and is interested can find out exactly what is going on in America's economy, it's hardly a secret! And unlike you, I actually have the ability to back my arguments with facts. But, you're obviously not educated enough to appreciate that. And yes, you are cruel, deluded and ignorant; your own nonsensical arguments bear that out quite clearly.
I'm defending OP against trolls like yourself because I am sick of seeing earnest, curious posters slammed for asking questions about gifts or suggesting that they need help.
I just hope you come around and get a heart (and a brain) by the time your kids are ready to leave home. God forbid they ever fall on hard times and have to listen to your self-righteous and deluded rants about how they just aren't working "hard enough" or they just need to go get one of those "millions" of jobs. But I'm going to stop berating you now, because I have a feeling that real life is going to rear up and kick you right where it hurts one day soon. Just don't expect anyone to heed your cries for help when it's you who is down. It will be "your own fault."
THAT'S what your crazy, ignorant, America-bashing rant was all about? You are a complete lunatic.
I am late to this but, in my experience (with DS#1), things are purchased off the registry literally at the last minute. Also, sometimes when someone buys things off the registry, they fail to tell the checkout girl that the gift is from a registry, so it is not crossed off and marked as purchased. Finally, if you registered at BRU or BBB and the items are available at Target for cheaper, people may have looked at your registry, then went elsewhere to buy the item, therefore it didn't get marked as purchased.
In any case, no sense worrying about it now. Just see what happens. Most gift givers will provide a receipt for return or exchange in case you already have what they got you (especially if they went with something not included on your registry). You are totally within your rights to return/exchange any item that you do not feel that you will use.
Hope the shower went well.
WELL SAID!
I totally agree. The OP did not come off as greedy or gift grabby. She was asking a legitimate question about what other people had experienced, so she could be prepared about what to expect. Absolutely ZERO comments about how she shouldn't rely on other people to get her things or she's not a responsible parent were relevant in any way whatsoever. Comments like that are all about the poster getting enjoyment from making other people look/feel bad. If that's your thing, fine. Just own up to it like a big girl.
You must not have read the whole OP.
She started out with a disclaimer. Then she expressed concern over how many people would actually be able to shower her with gifts, since it was a holiday weekend and many people make plans. Then she said she stalked her registry and found that hardly anything had been bought. Then she wondered what gifts she would get, and if she got what she didn't want, what is the etiquette on returning shower gifts. Then she proceeded to say that she is financially tight, and hopes she doesn't have to shell out money for baby stuff.
The only person that mentioned OP was an irresponsible or unfit parent was the very person you quoted, crazy sadsadie. What was actually completely irrelevant about everything in this thread was sadsadie's insane rant bashing Americans and American economy, throwing Christian babble out there, calling me cruel and ignorant, and providing links to government unemployment statistics. Don't join her club.