When we take a little vacation, or we make a large purchase or he does repairs around the house (he's not a handyman so this is a huge thing for him) I repeatedly mention my appreciation for his hard work. I try to brag about him in front of other people too. I have inherited a habit of focusing on negatives so this is often a very conscious effort for me.
Also, I slip my appreciation into our love life. I know it sounds weird, but when I flirt with him or we are post-coital I will bring up things I appreciate about him/his character/hard work and how it's part of what I find attractive about him.
Little love notes or text messages, or a special packed lunch are other things I try to slip in. Making sure he gets in some guy time with his friends has been good too. He really went a long time without that for awhile when I had about a year of really bad PPD/anxiety issues. Now that I'm on the level again I try to make sure he's getting in time to do things he likes to do without me complaining or nagging him to be home with the family.
Fishing trips, disc golf, bro "dates" to things like car shows etc. with his friends really seem to recharge him and he is in such a great mood when he gets home usually.
Now don't let this sound like I actually do any of the aforementioned things enough. I always have PLENTY of room for improvement.
Another great thing could be for you and DH to learn each others "love language" ala Gary Chapman:
Sometimes we simply don't feel loved or appreciated, not because our spouse isn't expressing love and appreciation, but because they're not doing so in the way we find most meaningful. When you know what your husband finds affirming, you can offer him appreciation that really feels legit to him. If you're going to be appreciative, you may as well say it in his own language. This is a really great tool.
Sorry, this got long, but it's late and I'm longwinded. Hope something in there is remotely helpful. )
And BTW I think it's awesome that instead of you being annoyed and defensive about his mention of not feeling appreciated, you actually want to do something to demonstrate how much you appreciate him. I think that's a great sign of a working marriage. Plus, it's a great reminder to the rest of us to make sure we're doing the same. Have fun showering your DH with appreciation.
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When we're running on our normal schedule I'm not sure he feels very appreciated and I honestly don't know what to do about it or how to fix it.
However we're roughly two weeks away from deployment and I think he feels more appreciated during this time. Just knowing that I will keeps things running while he's gone and that he doesn't have to worry about anything seems to be enough for him.
As you can see, I have no advice.
Currently going through our second deployment. Can't wait for Zoe to meet her daddy!
My DH needs a lot more verbal affirmation than I do - our family backgrounds are very different, and his mom would just GUSH whenever he did something well. So I've had to seriouslyy step it up in the verbal affirmation department to make him feel appreciated. To me, it feels over the top, but to him it's just what he needs.
We got into writing secret notes when we were dating, and we've kept it up. I hide notes somewhere in his lunch every day, and every few months I sit down and write a bunch out, and then go around the house and hide them in places that he doesn't look often but will eventually stumble upon at some point. You could hide a few in his suitcase for while he's away.
Sex is another big one for men. I'll never quite understand it, but I guess I don't have to... Regular sex just makes him feel loved, appreciated and cared about. If we have gone awhile without it, his self confidence takes a dive. You could also tease him with naughty texts, notes or pictures when he's out of town...
Sometimes we simply don't feel loved or appreciated, not because our spouse isn't expressing love and appreciation, but because they're not doing so in the way we find most meaningful. When you know what your husband finds affirming, you can offer him appreciation that really feels legit to him. If you're going to be appreciative, you may as well say it in his own language. This is a really great tool.
Oooo! I totally agree - this is a great book. Seriously. We read it during marriage counselling and it helped me understand so much about my mate
Sometimes we simply don't feel loved or appreciated, not because our spouse isn't expressing love and appreciation, but because they're not doing so in the way we find most meaningful. When you know what your husband finds affirming, you can offer him appreciation that really feels legit to him. If you're going to be appreciative, you may as well say it in his own language. This is a really great tool.
Sorry, this got long, but it's late and I'm longwinded. Hope something in there is remotely helpful. )
And BTW I think it's awesome that instead of you being annoyed and defensive about his mention of not feeling appreciated, you actually want to do something to demonstrate how much you appreciate him. I think that's a great sign of a working marriage. Plus, it's a great reminder to the rest of us to make sure we're doing the same. Have fun showering your DH with appreciation.
This exactly. That book is amazing and must read for all the relationships in your life!!
When DH traveled for work and I stayed home, I would sometimes slip a card into his bag, just a little I Love You note or something sassy. Sometimes I would mail it to him where ever he was staying. I'd text him just saying hello, miss you, whatever. Little things like that, nothing over the top but fun, cute, let him know I'm thinking about him.
When he would be home between jobs or during time off, I'd be sure to make his favorite meals, wait on him a bit more than normal, etc. I'd defer to his movie choice, or let him pick the restaurant, or ask him what he wanted to do/want for dinner/what was his preference. I'd have his favorite beer in the fridge. I'd always give him a hug and kiss when he got home, tell him I've missed him, I'm so glad he's home, snuggle up to him on the couch watching tv.
We also have this journal, we haven't used it in a couple years because I changed careers and travel with him for work now so we're not apart any more. But I started it in 2003 when we were both being deployed for the Iraq war. It is a plain-paper journal, and I would write whatever I felt like saying to him, how much I missed him or what I was thinking, plans for the future (we were just about to become engaged at this time), and so on. One page, I covered with different lipstick-colored kisses. Another page, I found some stickers of different lovey dovey words, and wrote some fun sappy stuff using those stickers when I could. I put it in the mail to him the weekend before I went overseas (I left first), so he got it after I left and we had no contact until he got over there a few weeks later. He had mailed it back to me by then, and when we saw each other in Kuwait for a few days, I slipped it back into his pack before he went north. We continued this after I got home, until he got home months later. When I moved in with him and he was still active duty, he would travel a few days at a time often, and I'd slip a note in his luggage or a clothing pocket, or slip the journal into his carry-on. When he got out of the Army a few years later and he started travelling for work long-term, more of the same.
We're not the overly affectionate type, we're not smothering each other all day, we fart in front of each other and walk in the bathroom when the other is using it, and sometimes our most important conversation that day is what should we have for dinner and telling the other that the dog did in fact poop on her latest walk. So while I don't have to fall at his feet and stroke his ego, I do make sure he knows I'm happier when he's home with me and I try to take good care of him when he is home. Even with us together full time now, and we work outdoors 10hrs a day in most weather conditions, I take care of anything I can (like meal planning, stocking the freezer with pre-made meals, keeping track of appointments and family dates, most errands), because he handles our business (bills, banking, etc.) and maintenance on home/vehicles/camper, things like that. I always treat him with respect, ask his opinion on things like politics and does this dress look good on me, I don't make decisions for the two of us without the two of us being part of the decision, I don't yell at him or order him around or belittle him in public OR in private. He knows I consider him in everything I do, and I know he does the same. We don't have to specifically say we appreciate each other in those words because we both know it from all the other things we do and say to show it.
And with that, I'm off to join DH in bed for the night to show him some more appreciation. :-P
It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s that I don’t know you. Stranger Danger.
Nothing say "I love and appreciate you" more than picking your man up in dirty neglige and heals hidden under a trench coat from the airport
I also agree with the 5 love languages book. Was wonderful for us when we were going through a rough patch. It will help you better understand what form of appreciation and love he is most receptive to.
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My first question would be what is his love language?
My DH's is touch, so giving him hugs, backrubs, kisses, holding his hand etc. makes him feel loved and appreciated. Everyone one has a different love language though, so I'd suggest doing a google search to find out which one he is and what you are.
Edit: Sorry I didn't read the other responses, looks like everyone already mentioned this! ha But I think it would deff. help!
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I know you want ideas for how to show him, but honestly what seems to work the best is for me is just an honest "thank you". If he's had a hard day at work or a busy week, I simply say thank you for working so hard for us. Also, I show him by talking to DD about how wonderful it is that Daddy works hard to take care of us. Sometimes it's when he's there to hear, sometimes not.
I'm guessing that even just a text message while he's gone that says "thank you for working to take care of us" will help a lot. Lastly, sex. I know it sounds weird. But for men sex can be the best way to show and receive love. If he feels like he's keeping you happy in that department, and that you find him attractive he'll feel better too.
Married07.07.07.Mom to 3:Ruby 11/08and Oliver & Austin12/11
brownie123
member
Re: (Untitled)
When we take a little vacation, or we make a large purchase or he does repairs around the house (he's not a handyman so this is a huge thing for him) I repeatedly mention my appreciation for his hard work. I try to brag about him in front of other people too. I have inherited a habit of focusing on negatives so this is often a very conscious effort for me.
Also, I slip my appreciation into our love life. I know it sounds weird, but when I flirt with him or we are post-coital I will bring up things I appreciate about him/his character/hard work and how it's part of what I find attractive about him.
Little love notes or text messages, or a special packed lunch are other things I try to slip in. Making sure he gets in some guy time with his friends has been good too. He really went a long time without that for awhile when I had about a year of really bad PPD/anxiety issues. Now that I'm on the level again I try to make sure he's getting in time to do things he likes to do without me complaining or nagging him to be home with the family.
Fishing trips, disc golf, bro "dates" to things like car shows etc. with his friends really seem to recharge him and he is in such a great mood when he gets home usually.
Now don't let this sound like I actually do any of the aforementioned things enough. I always have PLENTY of room for improvement.
Another great thing could be for you and DH to learn each others "love language" ala Gary Chapman:
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/.
Sometimes we simply don't feel loved or appreciated, not because our spouse isn't expressing love and appreciation, but because they're not doing so in the way we find most meaningful. When you know what your husband finds affirming, you can offer him appreciation that really feels legit to him. If you're going to be appreciative, you may as well say it in his own language. This is a really great tool.
Sorry, this got long, but it's late and I'm longwinded. Hope something in there is remotely helpful.
)
And BTW I think it's awesome that instead of you being annoyed and defensive about his mention of not feeling appreciated, you actually want to do something to demonstrate how much you appreciate him. I think that's a great sign of a working marriage. Plus, it's a great reminder to the rest of us to make sure we're doing the same. Have fun showering your DH with appreciation.
When we're running on our normal schedule I'm not sure he feels very appreciated and I honestly don't know what to do about it or how to fix it.
However we're roughly two weeks away from deployment and I think he feels more appreciated during this time. Just knowing that I will keeps things running while he's gone and that he doesn't have to worry about anything seems to be enough for him.
As you can see, I have no advice.
Currently going through our second deployment. Can't wait for Zoe to meet her daddy!
My DH needs a lot more verbal affirmation than I do - our family backgrounds are very different, and his mom would just GUSH whenever he did something well. So I've had to seriouslyy step it up in the verbal affirmation department to make him feel appreciated. To me, it feels over the top, but to him it's just what he needs.
We got into writing secret notes when we were dating, and we've kept it up. I hide notes somewhere in his lunch every day, and every few months I sit down and write a bunch out, and then go around the house and hide them in places that he doesn't look often but will eventually stumble upon at some point. You could hide a few in his suitcase for while he's away.
Sex is another big one for men. I'll never quite understand it, but I guess I don't have to... Regular sex just makes him feel loved, appreciated and cared about. If we have gone awhile without it, his self confidence takes a dive. You could also tease him with naughty texts, notes or pictures when he's out of town...
Hmm... that's all I can think of right now...
Oooo! I totally agree - this is a great book. Seriously. We read it during marriage counselling and it helped me understand so much about my mate
This exactly. That book is amazing and must read for all the relationships in your life!!
Natural M/c 12/13/08 at 8w5d
When DH traveled for work and I stayed home, I would sometimes slip a card into his bag, just a little I Love You note or something sassy. Sometimes I would mail it to him where ever he was staying. I'd text him just saying hello, miss you, whatever. Little things like that, nothing over the top but fun, cute, let him know I'm thinking about him.
When he would be home between jobs or during time off, I'd be sure to make his favorite meals, wait on him a bit more than normal, etc. I'd defer to his movie choice, or let him pick the restaurant, or ask him what he wanted to do/want for dinner/what was his preference. I'd have his favorite beer in the fridge. I'd always give him a hug and kiss when he got home, tell him I've missed him, I'm so glad he's home, snuggle up to him on the couch watching tv.
We also have this journal, we haven't used it in a couple years because I changed careers and travel with him for work now so we're not apart any more. But I started it in 2003 when we were both being deployed for the Iraq war. It is a plain-paper journal, and I would write whatever I felt like saying to him, how much I missed him or what I was thinking, plans for the future (we were just about to become engaged at this time), and so on. One page, I covered with different lipstick-colored kisses. Another page, I found some stickers of different lovey dovey words, and wrote some fun sappy stuff using those stickers when I could. I put it in the mail to him the weekend before I went overseas (I left first), so he got it after I left and we had no contact until he got over there a few weeks later. He had mailed it back to me by then, and when we saw each other in Kuwait for a few days, I slipped it back into his pack before he went north. We continued this after I got home, until he got home months later. When I moved in with him and he was still active duty, he would travel a few days at a time often, and I'd slip a note in his luggage or a clothing pocket, or slip the journal into his carry-on. When he got out of the Army a few years later and he started travelling for work long-term, more of the same.
We're not the overly affectionate type, we're not smothering each other all day, we fart in front of each other and walk in the bathroom when the other is using it, and sometimes our most important conversation that day is what should we have for dinner and telling the other that the dog did in fact poop on her latest walk. So while I don't have to fall at his feet and stroke his ego, I do make sure he knows I'm happier when he's home with me and I try to take good care of him when he is home. Even with us together full time now, and we work outdoors 10hrs a day in most weather conditions, I take care of anything I can (like meal planning, stocking the freezer with pre-made meals, keeping track of appointments and family dates, most errands), because he handles our business (bills, banking, etc.) and maintenance on home/vehicles/camper, things like that. I always treat him with respect, ask his opinion on things like politics and does this dress look good on me, I don't make decisions for the two of us without the two of us being part of the decision, I don't yell at him or order him around or belittle him in public OR in private. He knows I consider him in everything I do, and I know he does the same. We don't have to specifically say we appreciate each other in those words because we both know it from all the other things we do and say to show it.
And with that, I'm off to join DH in bed for the night to show him some more appreciation. :-P
It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s that I don’t know you. Stranger Danger.
Nothing say "I love and appreciate you" more than picking your man up in dirty neglige and heals hidden under a trench coat from the airport
I also agree with the 5 love languages book. Was wonderful for us when we were going through a rough patch. It will help you better understand what form of appreciation and love he is most receptive to.
Another vote for the 5 Love Languages!
Once you figure out his love language, it will be easier to find little things to do that let him know you appreciate him.
I know you want ideas for how to show him, but honestly what seems to work the best is for me is just an honest "thank you". If he's had a hard day at work or a busy week, I simply say thank you for working so hard for us. Also, I show him by talking to DD about how wonderful it is that Daddy works hard to take care of us. Sometimes it's when he's there to hear, sometimes not.
I'm guessing that even just a text message while he's gone that says "thank you for working to take care of us" will help a lot. Lastly, sex. I know it sounds weird. But for men sex can be the best way to show and receive love. If he feels like he's keeping you happy in that department, and that you find him attractive he'll feel better too.