- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
TheBuddha
member
My birthson who came before I was ready. He doesn't call me mom but I love him just the same. ~7/10/99~
BM tells SS to lie about sleeping arrangments
TheBuddha
member
A little background if you don't remember me.
DH took BM to court for custody of SS when she failed to enroll him in kindergarten. Two years later....DH won custody of SS (who was then 7 and in the middle of 2nd grade) he is now 9 and in 4th grade. He is doing VERY well in school (he had failing marks when he was living with BM) and is very happy.
BM lives with her parents. She has since SS was born (BM and DH were never married, SS was an oops). She does not work, and "lives" in their guest bedroom. The room has a queen size bed and BM has always shared the bed with SS. DH has mentioned that sharing a bed with a 9 year old boy is not really appropriate anymore, so BM says she now sleep on the couch when SS is visiting.
Yesterday I was taking SS to meet BM (DH is out of town for military) and SS was chatting away. He said "Sometimes at my mom's house I wake up at 8am and she tells me to go back to sleep. So I go under the covers and keep my eyes open for like 10 minutes, then I sneak out". Why would he need to sneak out of the room is BM is on the couch? Because she is NOT on the couch, she is in the bed with SS9.
I turned to SS and said "oh, so your mom is still sleeping in the same bed with you?" Deer in headlights. He looked FREAKED OUT. He realized he had said something he shouldn't have and quickly said "No. She sleeps on an air mattress in the living room". I asked why he had to sneak out of the room if she wasn't in there. His response "well, this was before".
BM is sleeping in the bed with her 9 year old son, lying to DH about it and telling her son to lie to his dad about it.
I asked my mom what she would have done if she found out when I was 9 and visiting my dad for the weekend, if we were in the same bed together. She said she would have not let me go over there.
What would YOU do in this situation?
My birthson who came before I was ready. He doesn't call me mom but I love him just the same. ~7/10/99~This discussion has been closed.
Re: BM tells SS to lie about sleeping arrangments
I know if my XH was involved in the kids lives and they were sleeping in the same bed as him at 9 I would lose my mind and wouldn't let them go over.
DH knows. This has been an ongoing situation.
I'm asking opinions about where we go from here.
I'm surprised at this... was the child the same age as OP's SS?
I was under the impression that every child needs their own bed to sleep in, doesn't matter if its in the kitchen or if its an air mattress...
OP my suggestion would be to consult a lawyer, but also consult with CPS.. bedsharing a 2 year old is completely different than a 9 year old.
and yes, DH needs to address the lying thing as well
I don't think there's anything so strange about it. If he were sharing a bed with BM and her bf, that would be a major issue.
I think this is something you need to butt out of. If SS is having a problem with it, let him talk to DH about it. It sounds like his main discomfort over the issue is coming from you, though.
I still lay with all our boys in bed and we read together. Sometimes they all fall asleep together, and me too. Usually I move for my own comfort, but I don't think there's anything odd about it. We've always cuddled up together as a family, and I think it's good for us.
Whoa. Slow down there. When being interviewed by the guardian ad litem SS admitted this his mother had told him to tell the attorney that he sleeps in the bed and she sleeps in the basement. She was caught in various lies while in court.
I would never put him on a situation that would make him choose sides.
She also sits in the bathroom while he showers. Is that ok too?
My 9 yo (will be 10 in a few days) SS still crawls into bed with BM when SF is out of town all the time (he is out of town 200+ days a year). As long as your SS doesn't have an issue with it then I don't see a problem. Like PPs said unless she is having another man in the bed with her and SS then it's just a place for him to sleep at her house. He isn't there very often.
Also every child does not need a bed. My DD slept on the couch at her dad's house for 5 years because he and SM only had a 1 bedroom apartment. So BM could be letting him sleep on the couch versus in a bed which is probably the reason it is allowed.
But do your boys have beds of their own? Or is their only space in your room in your bed?
They all have rooms and beds of their own. If we couldn't afford it, they might share.
If it's really such a big issue for you, buy him his own bed for BMs.
I totally agree. you are grasping at straws here and while you may not be able to stomach her,but this is his mother and you need to step back on this one unless you are claiming she is sexually abusing him,.
Court and the GAL weren't because of the sleeping issue. It was for custody. Sleeping arrangements were something the GAL chose to ask about and put it in her report.
It bothers SS and DH. He asked me to ask the BF board what they thought.
SS has brought it up with his therapist who is teaching him to use his no muscle. Meaning teaching him to tell his mon he doesn't want her in the bed with him.
His mother is not normal. She is 36, lives at home with her parents and hasnt worked in 9 years. She never enrolled SS in kindergarten. By the middle of 2nd grade he was below grade level in every subject. When DH asked her about it she replied "well maybe that's the best he will do". She had zero concern that he was failing 2nd grade.
Children need to learn privacy and modesty and by 9 years old your son should be given privacy in the bathroom.
I am not talking about snuggling with your children. I am talking about sharing a sleeping space every single night. When does it become inappropriate? There is an age when you should no longer be in bed with your son.
DH and I worry about the inappropriate relationship between BM and SS. His therapist is there for him to talk to. He has told her he would like to sleep alone and she is teaching how to assert himself. If someone ever does something inappropriate to him he will be able to say no.
Try not to take my situation personally. It's not about you.
It sounds like you have plenty of issues with BM. It also sounds like the most critical issues have been handled.
It's okay to not fight every battle. You said your SS is talking with his therapist about it, which is good.
I still suggest that if SS would like, you and DH buy him a single bed to put at BM's, or even a cot. If not, I would drop it until he asks you or DH specifically to do something about it.
You seem to make no consideration for the fact that SS was uprooted from BM. Even if it is for his own benefit, they both are experiencing some transitions and loss of time together. Don't pick at her or him if they want to be extra close during the times they are together.
Not enrolling a child in kindergarten IS a big deal. I don't know any parents who have said "eh, kindergarten is optional, I'll just let my kid hang out at home and start 1st grade behind their peers". Do you?? Kids learn a lot in kindergarten and it is very important for their success in the following grades. You are delusional if you believe anything different. Chat with a kindergarten teacher about what they cover.
I did state what we want to accomplish. We are concerned about an inappropriate relationship between BM and SS. DH wants to raise a healthy, successful child. SS's mother never left her parents house. That is not a successful healthy person. We don't want him to end up like her.
I don't hate her, but I certainly don't like her. She is a total loser. Who just lives at their parents house and doesn't even work? She can't even pay support for her own son.
And the problem with your logic is, it isn't just her kid. It is DH's kid as well. Contrary to what you may believe, you can't just do whatever you want, there is another parent.
I think we'll go with the welfare check when he is visiting. In my opinion, which you're not going to like, BM needs supervised visitation.
It is only illegal if the kids were in foster care. I am not saying I would recommend it but I did not find anything indicating it is illegal in any state, which I was surprised about since often people site that on this board. It seems like it is usually covered in a CO though so I would look through the CO to see if she is in violation.
https://www.avvo.com/legal-answers/does-a-child-have-to-have-their-own-bed-and-room-w-145817.html
Many people homeschool. And while I would never even skip pre-K let alone Kindergarten, it is not required in my state so I do not know if a judge would do anything here.
And I am not a co-sleeper or attachment parent and I don't like the situation with your SS but I do agree that it is her parenting time and her choice legally.
I don't think it is weird per say that she is sharing a queen sized bed with a 9 year old during visitations. Nor do I think it is inappropriate in and of itself if she's sitting in the bathroom while he showers. I still wash my son's hair in the shower sometimes and he's the same age. If there are glass doors instead of a curtain then I don't think she should be in there though.
I would be more concerned about her telling him to lie about it, although her reason for lying may simply be that she knows you & DH will flip about it. I have told DS that if anybody-including his dad-tells him not to tell me something then he needs to tell me. He understands that different rules apply to me b/c I'm his mom and my most important job is to keep him safe & healthy & happy and if somebody is telling him to lie or hide something it is vital that I know about it. I would have YH sit down and have a similar conversation with SS.
She sounds incredibly immature, but that doesn't mean she needs supervised visits. I'm assuming that the therapist would say something to DH if SS talked about something she thought posed a danger to him.
Keep in mind that if you call CPS they will interview SS at least once, if he's already had a lot going on with therapists & GALs and such that is a lot to pile on such a young child if you aren't suspecting abuse. And if you are that's different, but 'inappropriate relationship' can mean a lot of things other than abuse.
Since SS isn't happy about bed sharing but wouldn't mind sleeping in the same room, look into buying him a cot of some sort that can fold up and slide under the bed or something. Maybe ask BM if there is room for a futon. Also, have you been able to find out the reason he doesn't like it? Because at that age it could just be that she makes him stay in bed after he's awake. What kid would want to do that?
A cot is a really good idea! DH is in the military and if we can get him a military style cot SS would really dig that.
BM does not have any plans to move out of her parents house. SS has lived with us since Dec 2010 and she had just been hanging out a home. No school, no job, just hanging about her parents house. For awhile she was dating a man who also lived with his mom so when they had their kids, he has a son and daughter, they would stay in hotels all weekend. SS hated it and finally told his mom that he really didn't like staying in hotels all weekend.
BM called cps on us during the custody battle and SS was interviewed at school. I forgot about that. I just wish we could help him.
SS even approached DH and asked him if he could call BM's father, SS's grandpa, and ask him to make BM sleep somewhere else.
I will talk to DH about sending a cot and DH can talk to SS and see if he likes that idea.
From what SS tells me that bedroom is not very big. They would have to trade the queen for 2 twins...which BM has no interest in doing.
And let me be clear...DH fought for custody of SS because he was not doing well. His mothers home is not a good environment. I just want to do right by SS and ensure he is happy and healthy.
This. It's not against the law. While it may make you uncomfortable and you think it's inappropriate, there's really nothing you can do about it. Next time you amend the CO you can add that in there, but otherwise there's nothing more you can do.
Hopanka You're way out there on this one.
He lies about it because BM instructs him to. This has been ongoing. He gets in trouble for telling us. Previously he complained about it, DH called her to talk about it and after that SS most likely got into trouble for telling his dad.
Now it is back to being a big secret because BM yells at him for telling his dad about the sleeping situation.
I agree. Hopanka get off your high horse. Clearly you're angry about something else, and you're projecting it on OP. The Court deemed it necessary to strip BM of custodial rights, so clearly something is going on that isn't in the child's best interests. Unless of course, you're trying to say that you know better than the GAL and the Courts. If that's the case, then bravo on being smarter then everyone. Your life must be perfect and full of roses.
OP I agree that BM should no longer be sharing a bed with your 9 SS, especially since he's voiced that he doesn't like it. Once a child says they are uncomfortable with something, it needs to stop. It sounds like she's doing it for her benefit as opposed to his, and that's what's upsetting. He's not choosing to share a bed with her, it's being forced on him. Unfortunately, I think at this point there isn't much else that can be done. Losing custody of her child hasn't shown BM that her behavior is inappropriate, so you can't really expect any change from her. Keep SS in counseling and just keep reminding him that it's never ok to lie to adults and that he needs to stand up for himself, even if it means upsetting Mom or Dad. If BM is punishing him for being honest, then that's an issue that he needs to discuss at counseling and with the GAL. Is the GAL still involved?
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools
Co-sleeping is not a big deal. My 11 year old DD sleeps with me sometimes, she has her own room and comes in my room when she feels like it. She is not stunted or damaged. In fact, she is smart, outgoing and very well rounded.
I think you and your DH are overreacting on this one.
I would tell your SS that it is never okay to lie, no matter who tells him to do it and that next time he is caught in a lie he will be in trouble. Then tell him that you're not upset with him that he is sharing a bed with his mom, only because he felt the need to lie.
If the bedsharing bothers you, you should speak to your attorney. But there really, probably isn't much you can do.
The bigger issue is independence versus dependency. And I honestly feel that BM has SS in her bed because of HER dependence.
His therapist also mentioned sometimes she sees single parents who bedshare sometimes put their child in the companion role instead of in the role of being the child.
I'm very Pro - Co Sleeping, so I don't see the issue with that at 9. My 10 yr old is always forgetting a towel or PJs when he's in the bath/shower, so I'm usually in the bathroom during his bath/shower. While I'm in there, he'll usually talk to me or ask me a question. I'll respond and then tell him we can finish the talk when he's out. For me the bigger issue is how hot the bathroom gets!
I think the real issue is that BM isn't being honest about it and even worse, asking SS to lie about it. I would (or have DH) confront her about the lie and if you can't come to an agreement on sleeping arrangements, the speak to your attorney.
I understand where you're coming from. My DH's ex (his son's BM) does not work and lives with her mother as well. They were never married and SS was an opps too! Whenever BM had visitations (every other weekend) SS (7 years old) was sleeping in BM's bed. She had him lying too, stating she was sleeping on the couch. We live in Pennsylvania and I contacted Children & Youth Services and they just said, "It's very inappropriate and we would HIGHLY encourage her not to but there is nothing we can do". We have asked her to buy him a bed and she said she can't afford to. It was VERY frustrating!! In my case, due to other things involved since we went back to court, they have suspended her visitations until further notice.
If I were you I would have your DH have a talk with her about his age and how inappropriate it is. I'm not sure what the relationship there is like (in our case, talks turn into fighting because BM is very childish).
I would also have a talk with SS about him being honest and not lying or hiding things because it's for his best interest and safety. Maybe have DH have the talk a father/son talk might be better.
Good luck!!
Wife & Full Time Step Mama to an incredible boy!
First Date.. March 11, 2010 Engaged...August 09, 2011 Married...August 11, 2012 BFP...July 21, 2013
E.D.D... March 31, 2014