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Parenting after 35
are we sure you can't spoil a newborn?
Baby is 9 days old today, and DH swears this child is spoiled already. I admit he prefers sleeping skin to skin than the bassinet any day, and we are still in that new-parent mode where we can't bear to listen to him cry so if he goes at it for more than a minute or two (an eternity!!), we tend to him. Every. Single. Baby book says you cannot spoil a newborn, but DH is old school crazy (he's wet if he has the hiccups, other weird OWTs that I can't think of right now) and swears we're spoiling him.
As long as I have the floor - anyone have any tips to keeping a newborn awake? He tends to be a daytime sleeper and I'd say that if we have any routine going, it's the segregation of nighttime into 3 phases: sleep, awake, sleep. That has been ok but DH is back to work next week and he's not going to be able to stay up with me for 3 hours in the middle of every night and still function at work (I'm more concerned with his long commute). I need a way to keep this vampire baby more alert during daytime hours in the hopes that he'll normalize at night.
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Re: are we sure you can't spoil a newborn?
Absolutely do not let your baby "cry it out" this early -- he needs time over the first few months to learn that he can trust and rely on you to comfort him when he's scared, upset, hungry, uncomfortable, or whatever. Have you read The Happiest Baby on the Block? It really helps explain alot about how newborns relate to the world their first couple of months, and might help YH to "get it" too.
Honestly, they don't really figure out the night/day thing for the first month or more and most sleep in 1-2 hour increments, then have some awake time, repeating that cycle throughout the day and night. Keeping him awake when he wants to sleep during the day is likely to make him over-tired and actually harder to get him to sleep (seems counter-intuitive, but that's how it usually is -- if they are overtired, they are harder to get to sleep and sleep less soundly).
DD was colicky and until about 8 weeks, we couldn't get her to bed at night until about 2 am -- she would doze for a few minutes here and there, but mostly screamed the whole time. It got better after that and we gradually rolled her bedtime back to around 8pm as she started sleeping longer at night, but still at 4 months rarely makes it past 5 hours without a wakeup. You might need to tell YH to just "deal" for awhile! LOL Good luck hun!
Yep - can't spoil a newborn but you can easily make/break habits early on!
The PP has given you some fantastic advice!
OWT are just that, OWT, rarely are they based in any real world science/reality..
You do need to encourage sleeping habits from early on which is why a bedtime routine is vitally important even from day one, if at all possible, try to put baby down for bed at night awake because breaking that habit is a BE*TCH!!! (as nice as snuggle time is, at some point you don't want to sit in the chair rocking for two hours because they're drifting in and out of sleep such that they aren't going down enough for you to move them without another scream fest). I truly recommend "Happiest Baby on the Block" because it worked miracles with our DD, as for our overly needy lactose intollerant (not allergy, just needs the "sensitive formula" fuss bucket (aka DS), not so much... You need to use what works for your baby and it's a lot of trial/error. If your baby truly is one that is a fusser, you need to get to the heart of why they're being a fusser. With DS it was severe gas that he just couldn't pass and he needed Simethicone drops at each and every bottle even if it was just a "snack" bottle.
Above all else, never keep an overly tired baby/toddler/kid awake - you'll be paying for it DEARLY because overly tired babies/kids will resist going to sleep at every turn! At some point, you have to "sleep when baby sleeps" just to survive and maintain your sanity. Sleep deprivation is what will get you first and land you sick and still having to take care of baby. Sleep deprivation and exhaustion is also one of the leading causes for PPD-like symptoms.
Talk with YH and make a plan now of some of the basic expectations for giving you a break. Right now you're still in the "adrenaline" phase, but once that wears off, you need to have a plan in place to take care of Mom but also your relationship with YH. No one likes to ask for help IRL but it's important to do it early on.
No,no way can you spoil a newborn. It's not logical, really. They are tiny, they expend a ton of energy just growing (just think, they typically double birth weight by 6 m). they need to replenish this by eating and sleeping more frequently. They have really short eat/sleep cycles that really, you just run with until they're older. It will stretch out again around twelve weeks, and slowly again as they head toward six and twelve months.
Oh, don't let him talk you into the OWT about feeding on a schedule. Newborns don't overheat, they will will let you know when they are full. Have you gone through cluster feeds yet? That always seems to ramp up when lo is coming up on a growth spurt.
Hang in there, they first six weeks are always intense, and you will look back and wonder how you got through it. But the point is you will get through it. It may be cliche, but there is a reason why they say to sleep when the baby sleeps.
Here's a resource that saved us from insanity early on, and which we still turn to on occasion.
Go to Youtube and search for "Baby got colic". It's a 10 minute clip of sort of techno beat white noise. Crank up the sound. Up until our daughter was about 5 months old this could be depended upon to get her to fall asleep WITHIN FIVE MINUTES an even today at 6.5 months, it helps to relax her quite a bit when nothing else does. The video is not important (it's actually just there for sleep deprived adults to look at) but the noise is, and play it a little louder than you might think.
We ended up buying the mp3 and making a cd of it, and loading it on all of our portable devices (iPods, iPad) and have used it anywhere/everywhere. We call it baby crack.
It's just a rough, very full-on time.
Good luck, girl!
My Blog
1. You cannot spoil a newborn. You cannot spoil a newborn. You can not spoil a newborn.
2. Do not try and keep a 9 day old baby awake. Accept that he is going to sleep in the day and be awake a night. Accept it.
3. Let dad sleep at night while babe is awake. It does not take 2 adults to tend to a newborn's needs.
4. Breathe. This will all become normal soon, things will slowly start to get into a routine. You can't force it.
Already great advice given but I might add that DH and I help each other get enough sleep at night by DH taking the last feeding of the night (10-11 PM) and I do the rest of the night feedings. This ensures that I get at least 3 hours of sleep - straight. And DH then sleeps from ~11 PM to ~6 AM. I'll be in bed by 9-9:30 and the baby will wake for her next feeding after midnight. This has been working very well for us and while DH is more tied at work than usual, the reality is that moms have a full time job too so we both need sleep. The caveat is that sometimes I'll have to get out of bed to help DH put DD to sleep if she is fussy; that that is an exception rather than the norm.
DD just turned 7 weeks and I've had up to 5 hours of sleep in a single stretch! That feels like heaven at this point. I can't sleep longer than that anyway because I need to either nurse or pump.
Of course, if you are EBF then you need to get up with LO anyway. I try to nurse in bed in the side-lying position at least once per night. That requires less energy from me than getting up and going to the nursery to sit in the glider.
My IL's are constantly asking why we don't let DD cry it out. I tell them that it is because D is too young. I think they are giving DH an earful but I have explained to him the more in depth reason (developmental) and he now agrees with me.
I agree with PP - you can't spoil a newborn. Just wanted to add my two cents
Babies are neurologically immature. I would imagine that it takes a lot of neural synapses to make the connections that would = spoiling. So, really, physiologically, I think it is impossible to 'spoil' an infant. As smart as LO is she is still just 10 weeks old and trying to figure out how to poop effectively. I think I have a few months before she starts manipulating me too much. : )
I have add my two cents. As PP have said, you can not spoil a newborn. You do not develop bad habits. And remember, just as soon as you get use to one routine, they will change it on you anyway so don't worry about falling into habits.
Also, if LO wants to snuggle skin to skin, go for it mama and to heck with DH. There will be a day that LO will not want to do that and you can never go back.
I know this day is coming and I'm not in any rush for it! I will take the sleepless nights for now as a trade-off for those awesome cuddles.
there is absolutely no way you can spoil a newborn and if your husband genuinely thinks that or questions it, he needs to read up a bit on human development or trust you to be the expert. My advice is just to lean in, accept what's happening - newborns cry ALOT and need to be held ALOT and sleep in very short bursts - it just is what it is for awhile, just accept it and don't try to "fix" it b/c its not fixable. Fix your attitude towards it. Around 2 weeks and then again around 6 weeks, things will start to even out and become manageable, but its very, very tough at the beginning and you need help. Take turns with your husband of who gets up (you both don't need to get up unless there's a problem), if you're BFing, you will probably need to get up more obviously, but you can pump one bottle for him to feed or supplement if you want.
Around 2-3 months, as you learn your LO's cries, you can walk to him instead of running to each cry, but for now, you need to respond immediately.