Only ALers would understand... — The Bump
Parenting after a Loss

Only ALers would understand...

I just wanted to share my experience as I feel that only this board will understand. After three losses and my beautiful rainbow baby, I still struggle a little with pregnancy announcements. My best friend since middle school is pregnant again and her previous pregnancy went very well. No losses. No pregnancy difficulties. First baby wasn't planned and 2nd one was on the one after her PP AF. First try. Total FH. Not like a flashy or ignorant FH, but just naturally a FH.

Part of me is jealous that she seems to have it so easy. I wouldn't wish a m/c on anybody ever, but you know that whole loss of naivety yada yada yada thing. So I was talking to her a couple of days ago and she was telling me how worried she was that she didn't have symptoms yet. She's only 8w. I gave her legit reassurance that symptoms don't mean anything. She said she POAS again and it didn't get darker. I assured her that there are several variables, blablabla. Not reliable. blabla It occured to me though.

She's acting like she's PGAL because of my losses. She's freaking herself out because she knows more about it than she ever did before. She was nothing like this during her first pregnancy. Never in my life did I consider that she would be impacted. I don't want her to have a stressful freaked out PGAL pregnancy. As much as I'm jealous of others being able to completely enjoy their pregnancy, I don't really want that taken away. I'm only jealous because I'm not able experience that myself.

Anyway, now I feel guilty that I've traumatized her and have once again mind f%cked myself. I thought only you guys would understand and I wanted to get it out of my brain. OK. Rambling over.

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Re: Only ALers would understand...

  • ((HUGS)) and tell her nicely to stop it.  I hate when people get freaked out when stuff hasn't happened to them even though it's a possibility. Sorry you're feeling guilty and please know that you shouldn't. IMHO.
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  • Hugs. I don't think you should feel guilty about it. I think it's important to be open and honest about your experiences. I'm sure she'll go back to her calm ways again after her first good appointment.
    BFP 7/27/10, no hb discovered 9/3/10, natural m/c 9/17/10
    BFP #2- 2/1/11,bleeding- 2/6/11, natural m/c @ 5wks
    BFP #3- 4/29/11 - DS born 12/31/11
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  • I too feel I changed the way my best friend see pregnancy. But I am glad I did because when she had spotting at 6 weeks she went in and demanded to have her progesteron level checked. Turns out she did have low levels and was started on a supplement right away. Because I didn't hide why I lost my baby her baby might be saved.

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  • I know it's silly to feel guilty. I just want her to enjoy her pregnancy. To have what I can't have even though I'm still a little jealous of it. Thanks ladies.

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  • It's tough when people freak out because of what we have been through. I'm glad she's aware, but I hope she calms down and enjoys her pregnancy!
    I married a ginger.
    m/c 12/25/09 (5w5d) mm/c D&C 4/9/10 (11w1d) Take home baby 2/22/11
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  • Don't blame yourself. It's certainly not your fault.

    With that said, I do understand. DD passed on my mom's birthday. That was 2 years and my mom is just starting to feel somewhat ok on her birthday again. I feel bad that what should be a happy day to celebrate is now a day of mourning/ remembrance in my family. I know it's not my fault but just can't help feeling bad about it sometimes.

    I also have a hard time hearing about peoples' toddler/preschool age children right now. DD would be just over 2 and it's so awkward when people ask how many kids I have or if DS is my first. I always tell them the story but it gets old after awhile. Sometimes, I wish I could just lie and pretend like I never had a loss, as bad as that sounds. I loved my daughter very much but sometimes the I'm sorry comment is just too much. 

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  • imagelrachelle80:
    I still get a sinking feeling when I hear of pg announcements or births (particularly boys). Who knows why?!? I mean, I KNOW why, but it seems like the birth of DD should have mitigated those feelings quite a bit.  But it hasn't. :/

    This.  I just found out that my "aunt" (she's only 2 years older than me) is pg with her 2nd.  I am not happy about it.  I couldn't help but think "I hope it's it's a girl" because if it's a boy I'm afraid that my Logan will be overshadowed.  Logan was the first male grandchild/great grandchild.  Out of 4 siblings, they've all had girls -- 12 to be exact.  It was a big deal when we found out that Logan was a boy (not that we cared either way, but it was still exciting).  Now that Logan isn't here, I'm afraid he'll be forgotten.  It's silly and petty.  I know who and what Logan was and means.  But this aunt is one of those hypocrital people that already gets under my skin.

    As for the guilt...you can't blame yourself.  Your experience is all you have to go with. 

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