Limbo hell

DawnHope · August 2012

Last month, I got my BFP after IVF #1. Even though out of the gate, my #'s were great, I was not able to shake the worry that comes with having gone through several losses and so many docs reminding me of the perils of my age. I never posted here a shift to the other board, bec I just had a feeling I'd be back.

First, they found 2 sacs and they thought it was twins, but 1 never developed. Then I was ill with mysterious fevers for over a week and between ER trips I was misdiagnosed and then finally it was determined it was a flare of my rare autoimmune disease. I was assured my one singleton was still fine, and at 6 w 2 d we even had a heartbeat.

I finally felt better...and then last Monday my scan revealed no heartbeat and no further growth. I'm so numb and devastated and don't even know what to do. I wanted to wait and let the m/c happen naturally but so far there's no sign of it, but the risks of D&C or Cytotec sound awful too. So for now I am just stuck waiting and trying to find the strength to get out of bed every day and so sad about the long road ahead before I can try again. And of course feeling 1% crazy like maybe they missed the heartbeat somehow. That's nuts, right? Has anyone taken the Cytotec or had a D&C - we may get to that point and I am bracing for the worst. Sorry my posts always are so long and depressing

emjo03 · August 2012

I am so sorry.

I have taken cytotec and I've had a D&C.

When I took cytotec I was 7 weeks but there was never a HB and the hcg numbers never got above 1100. I had a sac, but no fetal pole or any further development.

The D&C was my first loss and I was 10 weeks but only measured 7.5 and like you, had seen a HB at 6 weeks. With this one I started to miscarry on my own and when I went to the OB (not my dr, mine was out of town, this was an associate) to see if I would need a D&C or not, he was actually able to do it in the office because I was already dilated.

Here are my opinions on both. Also, I wouldn't hesitate to do either again.

Cytotec- Did hurt very bad for a few hours but after that it was just crampy. However, I was 7 weeks but measuring barely 5. Also, I'm not sure what the risks are with cytotec, but I've heard of uterine rupture but I believe that is a risk when using it to induce a full term pregnancy with a really stretched uterus, not a 1st trimester loss.

D&C - Quick and over - seriously, no pain after, and I didn't even have much bleeding after. Now, I didn't go through all of the hospital/OR/recovery/anesthesia stuff with mine, but I would do it again if I needed to - and I hope I never do.

For me, when I had my first miscarriage at 10 weeks after seeing the HB I was terrified - TERRIFIED of what I would see when I passed the fetus. I could not handle that at all, though I think it would have just been a blob, but the thought that it might not be freaked me out. I just could not handle seeing anything at all that may have resembled a baby. I am so glad and was so relieved that I had the D&C.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It absolutely sucks. There is no wrong answer here. The only answer is what is right for you!

((Hugs))

MrsNukem · August 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss, Dawn, I'm heartbroken for you. I'm afraid that the inability to locate a heartbeat is not a good sign unfortunately. When I had my loss my doc wanted to do a D&C since I was a little further along and she didnt think it was safe to wait for a natural mc. I'm glad I went with the D&C, it allowed me to move on sooner. I bled pretty heavily for about a week after. My RE did a hysteroscopy before this IVF and said my uterus looked beautiful, so there was no scarring from the D&C. Again I'm so sorry you are going through this, lots of hugs and please take care of yourself.

ETA: My doc was also able to obtain fetal tissue from my D&C, and did chromosome analysis on it which revealed my loss was due to trisomy 13. I was really glad I had that piece of info, it helped me realize that it was nothing I did to cause the loss. If you want chromosome analysis then you would need to consider a D&C.

DawnHope · August 2012

Thanks, ladies. I'm so sorry for your losses. This is extremely helpful info, and I'm sure taking the time to write this is painful to re-live for you, so I can't tell you how much I appreciate the advice. I'm leaning towards the D&C if nothing happens this weekend. I was about 7 weeks when they didn't find the heartbeat, and my betas were thru the roof, so I am interested in trying to do the analysis for some closure. My first two losses were early and my betas were barely anything (never even got over 100 whereas my first beta with this pg was 1400 and it was up to 75000 when last checked around 6 weeks or so).

Thanks again for taking the time to respond. All of the ladies on this board are amazing.

annalisel · August 2012

I am so incredibly sorry this is happening to you. We experienced the same thing where we had heartbeats but the pregnancy wasn't viable. The cruelty of having near success ripped away is just too much.

There was no way we were going to wait the probable weeks for a natural miscarriage. We chose to do the D&C because early in pregnancy a D&C is quick, mostly painless and has a low chance of scarring. (A saline ultrasound will confirm no scarring.)

Hugs to you. Take care of yourself and your husband.

danieleandwayne · August 2012

Oh I am so sorry for your loss. ((hugs)) I had a CP that ended naturally just under 7 weeks, so I didn't have to make the choice, but I think you have gotten some really solid information/advice from pps and I agree that I would have chosen the D&C, especially for the chromosomal testing.

I had a D&C over 10 years ago at 11 weeks and it was relatively painless (for reasons I won't go in to, I didn't have anything but a local anesthetic) and no charring or damage occurred. The docs who perform them tend to do them regularly and therefore are very familiar with the procedure, the different possible anatomical variations, etc.

GL with whatever your decide. I think the limbo is the worst part of TTC and just adds to devastation of a loss.

((hugs)) again.

ellajune2012 · August 2012

Aw, Dawn, I am so sorry. Your story brought me right back to last December - I also had twins and a missed miscarriage the day before my 8-week appointment (my first appointment). I also tried to m/c naturally, but a month later ended up having a D&C. I had to be put under for the D&C but it went fine even though I lost a lot of blood because of a fibroid that was in the way (same reason my ob/gyn didn't want to risk the Crytotec), but I was miserable for a long time after that. Only physically bad things about the d&c were that I still passed a huge clot a day or two afterwards, which was painful (I didn't get any Rx pain meds, just motrin) and scared the hell out of me but the doctor said "oh yeah, with all that blood in there we figured you'd have clots" (gee, thanks for letting me know!) and my period took a long time to come back.

I had the same exact thoughts that maybe they'd missed the heartbeat, maybe only one twin was gone, you name the crazy survival scenario and I was right there thinking it. It's perfectly normal. You'll get through it. I know it doesn't help things right now, but it does get easier to accept with time.

Llamamama · August 2012

I don't have any advice for you but I wanted to let you know how sorry I am.. hugs.

BabyVDM · August 2012

DawnHope:

So for now I am just stuck waiting and trying to find the strength to get out of bed every day and so sad about the long road ahead before I can try again. And of course feeling 1% crazy like maybe they missed the heartbeat somehow. That's nuts, right? Has anyone taken the Cytotec or had a D&C - we may get to that point and I am bracing for the worst. Sorry my posts always are so long and depressing

Dawn I wish I would have seen this yesterday. I'm so sorry for your loses. It is so hard to wonder about whether or not they didn't do the scan right and maybe missed things. Even when you know the truth you still wonder.

I have always shied away from the D&C, because I am afraid of scarring and other complications. I am one of those lucky few who are always the exception and have the worst outcomes. So I decided better safe than sorry.

For my 1st 2 mc's I went to the early loss clinic and they prescribed me the cytotec. I decided both times I would take the pills on the weekend, but both times I MC's naturally before I took the meds. I understand the benefit of timing the MC but the medications force your body into contractions that don't stop even though you have 'passed' everything.

The worst part about letting it happen naturally is the waiting and not knowing when the MC might actually complete. I have the doctor prescribe T3's and take them once the cramping starts and it helps with the pain. In my experience the severe pain stops immediately after it completes and it's over.

There's risks with all choices. If you use cytotec, you might not pass all the tissu and require D&C anyway. Same thing with passing it naturally.

If and I reallly really really reallly wish this is not the case, I were to MC again, I would still choose to do so naturally. I just don't see the benefits of the other 2 methods other than convenience.

But all the options are legitimate, it's whatever you feel comfortable with. Just be 100% sure it's what you want.

I hope you recover quickly, and I am so sorry you have to through this. Please get some rest and give yourself all the time you need.

DawnHope · August 2012

Thanks, ladies. I decided to wait it out thru this long weekend and call my doc on Tuesday to decide next steps. It just doesn't seem like anything is going on but I kind of hope it happens over this weekend so I can move on. I still just can't quite allow myself to do non-pregnant things (ie. drink a big glass of wine, which I could really use) which is probably stupid but I am still slightly in denial. Life is just not fair sometimes.

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