I need to vent...(long)
ebl2
member
I?m feeling depressed today and I wanted to vent. I?m a SAHM and love every second of it. I do everything for our daughter; feed her, change her, bathe her, etc. DH is an only child and because if that he?s used to being alone. He?s never been around babies and had no idea what they would be like. DH loves our daughter but finds her annoying and doesn?t understand why she can?t just be fine playing all day and only cry when she?s hungry or needs to be changed. He doesn?t understand how much attention they need. He only likes to be around her when she?s happy, fed, and clean. I have always wanted to be a mother and I love her more than anything so I?m happy to do everything for her.
Last night, DH came to me and said that I?m not doing a good enough job of keeping up with the housework. Honestly, this crushed me. I know our house is not as clean as it was when I was pregnant but it?s by no means a pig sty. If I could get just an hour a day to clean and he watch the baby I could get so much more done. Yes, maybe I could be getting more done than I do and maybe I have gotten a little lazy but at the same time I?m exhausted.
Am I being unreasonable and lazy by not mopping the floors or vacuuming every day? Like I said, by no means is my house a pig sty, I do the laundry, the dishes, general pick up, make the bed, dust when I can and try to throw dinner together. If I ask DH to watch DD while I do something he usually says just put her in her swing. Well, she wants interaction not to just be put on her play mat or swing all the time. It?s like pulling teeth to get him to watch her. So many times I?ll be cooking or doing something and I hear her crying and he?s just sitting there and I have to tell him to get her. It?s so frustrating.
I told him last night that I felt we both have full time jobs now and we should share in the housework if he doesn?t think I?m doing a good enough job. He said I?m a house wife and it?s my job to do all these things. He also said that he wishes we had more money and that really ticked me off because if I were to go back to work I would only make enough to pay for daycare alone and he knows that. What would be the point in working just to pay for daycare? We?re not in a bad financial situation he just grew up with a lifestyle that he doesn?t want to compromise on. So now it?s my fault that we?re both not making six figures like his parents did? Even If we did have more money he would spend on unnecessary things.
After last night I just feel so alone. I live 12 hours from my family, I don?t have any friends here (moved here recently) and now I feel like I don?t even have my husband who is my best friend. I should add that DH works from home and if DD starts fussing or crying I have to try and quite her immediately because he?s on the phone and has to keep a professional environment. That?s why getting things done around here is hard, DD has to be content for me to do anything and I often have to stop in the middle of it to get her. It would be nice if DD would sleep more than 30 minutes without being held. How are other moms balancing housework and child care? Do your husbands/SO help with the housework?
Re: I need to vent...(long)
Our house is not super clean. If the floors are done once a week, its been a good week. DH helps when he can since he's been "off" this summer (still some principal duties and coursework) but It will probably be much less when he goes back to work fulltime and school in evenings(working on his masters). Babies demand a lot of time. As long as my house isn't dirty to the point of being a health hazard, I'm not sweating it too much. I think he should help out some even when back to work... but since he is home later, etc when he gets home, supper will be ready if possible (he should help w/ drying dishes)... make sense?
Housework can wait for the most part. Your baby will only be this age for such a small amount of time.
I'm in a somewhat similar situation (same but different, ya know
). DH and I both work FT jobs. I also have a side job I do at home once I get home from my job. DH is obsessed with a clean house and an immaculate backyard. He's the one that, typically, does the housework b/c he knows he's too anal and if it's not done his way, it's not right--we settled that battle long ago..lol...Anyway, I've been getting frustrated b/c he loves to be outside, that is his outlet and he is outside everyday when he gets home from work. My outlet is exercising but I haven't been able to do that in at least 3.5 months! I've been really down lately as well and just not happy. The difference in our situations is that he thinks he's helping by taking care of all the house stuff, when in my opion, we don't need to vacuum everyday or fully clean the house every weekend. I told him recently I wish he would chill on all that stuff b/c he's missing out on this time with DS. I don't want him to look back and regret it. There are some nights where he doesn't even hold him b/c by the time he gets inside, DS is getting ready to eat and go to bed. If he's fussy though, DH has no patience and I end up getting him right back. DS tends to like it if you stand and hold him sometimes. Well, if we're sitting and he's getting fussy (usually when he's getting tired), I'll make the effort and stand and walk around with him, etc but DH doesn't do that. Just hands him over to me.
We recently had some talks this week about it and he's trying to spend more time with him. He's been reading to him every night this week, etc. So, I think it'll work out fine. Good luck with your situation and vent anytime. I totally understand your feeling alone and down, though. Keep your chin up! You sound like a great mom!!!
My heart breaks for you. It really sounds like your DH needs a HUGE reality check. I wish I could give you advice.
Luckily my H has never once said anything to me about having a spotless clean house. He knows for us it's 50/50, but then again we both work outside the home. And I'm actually the breadwinner & carry the benefits. Before I went back to work though, I did have some resentment in that DH only handled LO when LO was was happy & in a good mood. When he fussed, DH would hand him back to me since I could calm him better. Now that I am back at work, DH picks up LO from daycare and he is the solo parent for about 2-3 hours. I think this really opened his eyes a little more, and also made him more confident as a parent. He knows no matter how much fussing & crying LO is doing, he has to do what he can to get through it.
It seems like your H would benefit from having a couple solo hours with LO. Where he is there for the happy & the fussy. One thing that helped my DH, was to hear from lots of other dads about fussy babies. It helped him to know it wasn't just our child who fussed in the evenings! I know you're knew in the town, but does your DH have any friends who are fathers? Maybe to arrange an opportunity to hang out with them would help. Then they could swap stories.
This! All of this! I was cutting your DH slack while reading the first portion -- my DH didn't "get" the baby stuff when our first was born, and we all had some growing pains as we adjusted to our new roles with me staying at home, etc. However, you are both on the same team -- raising a baby, adjusting, having a happy family, etc. I personally would find it disrespectful for him to critique how well I'm doing in my new job. Your new family and home are a shared responsibility. Your LO is so young -- it's not like you have one kid in elementary school and sit around all day. Every relationship is different, but I would have a heart to heart and explain how hurtful that was. Like any job, you need to prioritize and, right now, your priority is your baby, not wiping baseboards.
I hope I didn't sound too harsh -- I just am driven nuts when ppl don't understand how hard a job just taking care of children is. You seem like you are really trying -- I hope you guys can talk and he can see that too. Hugs!
I kicked my DH into gear with a snarky comment. It may not work for everyone. I told DD one day that maybe daddy will spend more time with her and get to know her better. Later that day (this is the important part), I talked to DH and told him that I understand that he's tired from being on the road, but the best way for him to bond with her is to start now. If he's worried about missing events in her life, he should get to know her better.
Ever since then, he's been taking her and playing with her as soon as she gets home, and I'm pretty sure that he'll be the one to get her first true laugh out of her. He's a much better tickler than I am!
I also make comments telling him that she's happiest in the morning when she wakes up and suggesting things that he can do, like tummy time, and how to help her learn to roll over. He has been getting her up in the morning, changed and dressed, and I actually have to boot him out of the room so I can feed her and get out the door.
With regard to the housework, we both know it needs to get done. We are pretty forgiving, so we haven't vacuumed in a month, but we also have a dog. She picks up crumbs, it's the dog hair we have to worry about...