Update to SD's situation
tomkat2010
member
So I called the school counselor yesterday and left her a msg, which she hasn't returned yet. DH did call her psychiatrist but the earliest they could see her is Tuesday of next week. I guess I've been feeling like she was a ticking time bomb; you never can predict how she'll behave...unfortunately I was right.
She physically attacked DH last night. He allowed her to go shopping with a friend after thier homework was done (she just got bday money and wanted to spend it). When she got home, she started talking about the alternative school option that her counselor recommended. DH and I had already discussed that we don't necessarily want to go this route, b/c it only puts her in closer contact with more troubled teens and that's not the influence we want for her. But she views it as "I can do my work on my time and not worry about deadlines for stuff b/c school is just too much for me to handle." So she sees it as a reward, not a punishment. We explained that's not how the world works, blah blah. So DH said that if she truly needs alternative learning, then she needed to be prepared to have an "alternative home life" i.e. no driving at 16, no boyfriends (especially the current one that we could, and probably should have him arrested), basically on lock down. We think that if she can't handle the responsibilities of normal school then she can't handle the decisions that come with normal teen activities.
At this point she starting yelling and cussing at DH. It escalated, he told her she was grounded and asked for her phone. She refused at first and then threw it at his head. She then began punching and clawing at him. She said she was leaving and attempted to run out the front door. Not knowing where she'd go, he stopped her, by grabbing her and pulling her back in. This repeated at the back door. After a while they stopped and DH and I decided to call her psychiatrist's 24-hr line, to see if they thought she needed to be admitted for evaluation. They called back an hour later and talked to us. The doc said to avoid admitting her, so as not to ruin DH and SD's relationship permanently. I'm not sure how I feel about that doc. Dh called BM and they considered SD moving back in w/ BM (SD says she wants this), despite BM's concerns about her two small children's safety. BM doesn't know if she can handle her and neither do we, obviously.
She couldn't be left alone, and we didn't think school was a good option today so she's at her BM's parent's house until we can sort this out. My suggestion to DH was to get a court order that ensures BM must seek out some therapy/help for SD if she moves back in. We're afraid that otherwise she may not get her help that she desperately needs.
Re: Update to SD's situation
Totally frustrating for you guys and a horrible situation to have to deal with. I know it is hard to handle and awful to deal with. ( i work in an alternative HS)
What is moving her back with mom going to do for her? how is it helping her?
letting her move back in with BM teaches her she can "run away" from her problems. I agree with PP that I do not think this is the right step for SD.
I think you guys were on the right track with alternative schooling, her not being able to handle regular teenage life, being on lockdown etc.
I can't believe the psych told you not to admit her. physically attacking someone and then running away is NOT acceptable, EVER. personally I would have had her admitted or called the police on her for assault. she is behaving drastically and you and DH need to take drastic actions.
There are many students who find this type of school environment helps and if it helps them learn what's needed and graduate I think that's a good thing. I agree it's a better idea to limit contact with kids who might be a negative influence but if school really is a lot to handle alternative learning can help.
I think it's really unfair to say that if she truly needs alternative learning then she can't have a normal life outside of school either. (license etc) My son is learning disabled and although he is above average intelligence he is in an alternative type of class setting so that he can learn properly and do well. How insulting would it be if I said "if you truly need to learn differently to handle school then I'm going to treat you as though you were a young child" I think the fact that she wants to be in school is a good thing.
If her father really wants to help her and he is unsure that her mother will get her help that she needs why would he send her back there? If she truly has mental or emotional issues she needs to deal with those. If it were my child I would make sure she was getting the help she needed rather than send her to her mother's house and hope her mother got her help.
EDIT I just don't think alternative edcuation should mean she is treated differently. IT's still education. Poor decisions and acting out should be punished.
I disagree. A learning disability is MUCH different from what's happening here. The alternative school they are considering sounds like something for kids with behavior concerns - NOT academic concerns. It's a separate school environment rather than a special class. Alternative schools are a very restrictive environment and if the school feels she needs to be in a restrictive environment for poor behavior and her parents allow her to run a muck at home, they're defeating the purpose of the school. Plus, she will be making friends at the alternative school who will not be the best of influences.
I fully agree that if her behavior warrants a change in placement to a school designed for kids with behavior issues (which will have more structure, less freedom), she needs the same at home - more structure, less freedom. She should be earning privileges.
Take everything away and she needs to prove XYZ before getting it back - set up a contingency agreement. IF you turn in all of your homework for 1 month, THEN you get your TV back. IF you are respectful at home for a month (outline what respectful looks like), THEN you get your cell phone back but have to talk on the phone with an adult in the room. Do the same for going out with friends (supervised), getting texting privileges, etc. The license should be the LAST thing she earns.
If you choose to go the alternative school route, would the school work with you if it ends up not working out? If you are concerned with how the alternative school in your area works, you might ask for a walk through to see if the environment there is suitable for your SD.
I recently watched a documentary about school food, and they were talking about how a child's diet can greatly affect their attitude and what not. They showed an alternative school that had switched over to wholesome foods (fruits, veg, lean protein... ie: no fries, no processed foods, no soda, etc) and they have seen a huge change in not just the teens attitudes, but also in their entire demeanors. I know its an alternative approach, but you might want to consider changing your SDs diet in addition to any other help you both are providing.
Admitting her would have put this on her medical records and once committed it is not up to Daddy when she can leave or what happens in the hospital, all control is given o psychiatrists including locking a kid in a psych ward. This is not something that a doctor should push easily. I do not know the backstory so I am not judging but just pointing out it is not shocking that the doctor answered that.
her mom doesn't work, so she can watch her better than we can maybe. that's what we would hope anyway.
her mom doesn't work, so she can watch her better than we can maybe. that's what we would hope anyway.
Well, her mom cant got to school with her and can not change her behavior just because she doesnt work. I do not see this helping the situation at all just pushing it around a bit and trying to cover it with a band-aid.
She needs structure and it doesnt sound like she is going to get it there. She needs a lot of counseling and if you think that you would need a court order for her to get it raises all kinds of red flags.
I am really sorry that you and YH are going through this, I cannot imagine how stressful this must be for your family.
I definitely see BM's point about being worried about her two young children. I agree with your mindset of alternative school should equal an alternative home lifestyle (I feel this way because your SD has major behavioral issues, I would not feel this way if she had a learning disability.)
Has the therapist given any steps or tools with how to deal with her when she has a behavior?
Side note: If you think SD's BF is a bad influence, I would definitely cut him out of her life. If you could have him arrested, I would do it.
Well the therapist last night said what DH did by taking her phone, turning off our internet, etc was a good move. He said we cannot tolerate that behavior including the screaming and cussing, but he didn't really say much else for how to control it. DH and I discussed family counseling again, as well as counseling just for us to learn how to parent an unruly child. boyfriend is a bad influence, although I truly think he's not a terrible person, just not good for a 15 yo to be around given the age gap and that he's apt to do things a 15 yo should not. Like I told DH, i'm not out to ruin this kid (BF)'s life by labeling him a felon sex offender but at this point it's his life or her life. We care way more about her.
Sidenote, she's at our house packing her things and says she's going to claim DH abused her. Everyone but her knows that's not true but now I assume there will be an investigation. But her BM and BMs parents might just be BSC enough to side with SDs story, just out of sheer spite for DH. She may have lost her mind. So naturally I'm worried how all this will unfold. At the very least, I imagine DH will not be allowed to be alone with DS while the potential investigation occurs. FML. What a way to tear apart the family, kid. She makes it very hard to support her.
Well, hopefully since mother knows she has issues she will not allow her to manipulate her. However the back and forth between mother and father does nothing more then make the situatuion worse.
If you and your h have had her in counselin and it is documented, and the school has case enough to send her to alternative school that should be evidence enought that she had some behavioral issues.
i would suggest counseling for you and your H regardless of where she is living,