Attendance obligation question...
Minipenguin
member
This is for a wedding, but I figured most ladies on this board would have a good answer since you're all experts on etiquette. (That wasn't snark.)
DH and I live in the Cincinnati area, his friend is from PA went to college here, and he is getting married on Saturday in Chicago (where his FI is from). His friend was in our wedding and drove from PA for the rehearsal dinner and wedding. DH is not in friend's wedding.
This week is crunch week at work for DH and I'm 19 weeks pregnant and have been having a rough time (morning sickness hasn't subsided.... bleh). And we aren't going to the wedding. DH is stressed out and wants to just stay at home and not drive 10 hours round trip. I don't want to be sick in the car. But, we feel pretty bad that he went out of his way to come to our wedding. So, I have 2 questions: 1) Are we obligated to go? Are we asshats if we don't? Honestly, I haven't really left the house in a few weeks and I just feel like crap. It sounds miserable.
Then question 2) How much money do we give them as a gift? They didn't register anywhere. They didn't ask for money, either, but we know they could use it and we have to get them something. If we don't go, should we give them extra money since we don't have to pay for hotel and gas and feel bad that we're blowing it off? Is like 150$ okay? I don't really know how much to give them. They used to be pretty good friends.
TIA.
Re: Attendance obligation question...
You're never obligated to attend. If your DH really wants to go, could he go solo? Granted, 20 hours roundtrip is a lot for just a weekend, solo or not.
I'm not from a cash-gift part of the country, and I never understand all the variables people put into their algorithms for cash gifts. Just ask yourself what you would spend for a close friend, and spend or send that.
ETA: If the wedding is Saturday, it's too late to change your mind now, isn't it? I assume they needed a headcount at least two weeks ago.
He is getting married this Saturday? What did you RSVP as (attending or not attending)?
If you RSVP'ed that you weren't attending than send a gift/amount that you are comfortable spending. I like your idea of sending the money that would have been spent on travel and hotel.
If you RSVP'ed that you were attending you need to let them know that you now cannot make it. This conversation would lead to your reasons why you cannot, and let them know that (hopefully) when things settle down you'll make a trip up to see them with your LO. Then, again send a gift/amount that you are comfortable with.
100$ sounds great. We didn't RSVP. They didn't ask for one or send a card to RSVP or anything. I think it will be pretty informal.
DH could go by himself but it's a long weekend and he has been stressed at work so he just wants to stay home and relax. We just feel like we're being assholes.
Thanks!
Even if they don't send you an RSVP card, you're still supposed to RSVP. Those cards are just for extra convenience but they're not a necessity. I don't mean to be mean, but if this is a good friend of your husband's, I kind of think your excuses for not going are pretty lame. If you truly feel sick, then ok you have an excuse, but your hubby just wanting to stay home and relax isn't too cool in my book.
THere is never an obligation to go, and 10 hours when it's a hard time of year is understandable. You don't need to have a "good enough reason". Your friend was at a point where he was able to make the trip. YOu all aren't. That's o.k.
$100 or $150 sounds perfect.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If it were local, I might agree. But as travel is involved, that changes the parameters of the whole thing.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think you have to go. Being pregnant is not an excuse to bail on your friends. This is a once in a lifetime event. Its not like the wedding is in Malaysia - 5 hours isn't that far.
As for how much you should give them, that is up to you but since they came to your wedding, I would probably use that figure as a guide (and adjust for inflation)
RoxyLynn...it is not a 20 hour rountrip...it is 10 hours round trip. Cincinnati to Chicago is 5 hours.
OP...I think you DH needs to suck it up and go to the wedding. I can see where you would not want to - feeling the way you do. I never had sickness with my pregnancies but I can imagine even an hour car ride would not be too pleasant. Your DH really has no excuse except that he is stressed at work (who isn't). Maybe it will actually destress him to go to the wedding...hang with some old friends, get "away from it all", etc.
As for the amount of gift I guess I would go with what the friend gave you guys. He drove from PA to Cincinnati for rehearsal and wedding and your DH is driving to Chicago so really that is kind of a wash (except maybe for other expenses the friend had - tux, etc). I am a tit for tat type of person...although I know a lot of people are not.
To me, a 5 hour is nothing. All of my DH's family lives from 3-5 hours from us and we visit often..go to BBQ's and drive home again (and that is with 3 kids). I know a lot of people don't do a lot of driving and would never do that. We do it so we get to see family/friends and our family/friends do it for the same reason.
Sorry, but I agree. At 27 weeks I drove 3 hours and at 28 weeks I flew to Mexico for two dear friends wedding. They obvi both knew I was preg and me attending was dependent on if me and baby were healthy. However, these were both MY friends. If they had been for DH friends, my pregnancy really doesn't have much to do with it. He would absolutely go, even if I wasn't feeling 100% up for it. Especially to someone who he once considered such an important part of his life to include in your wedding.
Also that RSVP thing seems strange so to me. I RSVPs to BBQs! Maybe check the invite ... perhaps it says "Regrets only"?
I would RSVP as soon as possible. Then send a nice card, with a personal note and a gift card. In addition, if it were me I would buy some small items off the registry and ship them to their home.
Life happens. You are sweet to think of your friend.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
Do not feel obligated to go. I'm sure they will be a little disappointed that you cant make it but they should understand that you arent feeling well and that your baby comes first.
As for the money the rule of thumb I use is your cash gift should equal the amount of the dinner per plate x number of guests - so if the reception cost $100 per person I would give $200 (for my husband and I). If you feel guilty I guess you can throw in an extra $50 but I dont think I would exceed $250
Here's my thoughts, take them for what they're worth:
- Even if you don't receive an RSVP card, you still have to RSVP. So you need to do that asap.
- I think $150 is fine to give. I've never given money to a friend, only a tangible gift. Here, I think it tends to be older guests that give cash gifts. Give what you can afford.
- If DH is really a close friend of this guy, he should make an effort to go. 10 hours in the car with morning sickness is awful, but if DH doesn't mind going alone, assuming he knows other people there, he should make the effort.
My own experience: earlier this year when I was about 15 weeks pregnant, I was still in the throws of severe "morning" (aka "all day) sickness. Not just feeling queasy, but actual throwing up. One of my good college friends married her longtime BF/FI about an hour from where we live - so only a 2 hour+ car ride. I felt sick the whole time but put on a brave face (even brought crackers to eat). The car ride home was miserable and every bump in the road exacerbated how bad I felt. As soon as we walked into our house when we got back home, I went to throw up. SO.....if you are have the type of morning sickness where you are going to be severely sick, you should probably stay home and not spend 10 hours in the car.
HTH!
Oh, it's ten hours total? I had assumed it was ten each way if it was prohibitive.
I agree, five hours each way really is no big deal. If you don't want to go, just own it and say you don't want to go.
Yes, I would say it is even less than 10 hours depending on which part of Chicago. I also live in Cincinnati and make that trip frequently (to downtown Chicago) and it usually takes us less than 4 hours each way. I would definitely suck it up and go if I was the OP.
The answer to your question lies in how much you want to be friends with them afterward and what kind of people your friend and FI are. If they are the kind of people who would be upset that you (or just DH) didn't show, then to THEM you will be asshats.
If you would (a) feel guilty about them thinking this and (b) know that this might affect how DH and his friend interact then you need to go. If you're not close now and it wouldn't matter much to DH if this friendship fizzled, or if your friend is the kind of person to let stuff like this roll off his back and say 'no big deal' , then you don't need to go.