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Parenting
Let us discuss my chubby hubby
Ok so DH is obese, he has high blood pressure and diabetes and is quickly approaching 40.
I don't know what to do to help motivate him to get in shape or at least losing weight, I have done it all and have been the blame for it all. Types of meals, portion sizes, lack of time to exercise, etc. each excuse he presents I start working on correcting it immediately. Our meals are very healthy, I make sure he has all the time he would need to exercise at night. I cannot fix his portion sizes, he will not stop eating until he is stuffed and when we talk about it he says "there is nothing I can do, I have no self control."
He has always been on the heavier side but it is spiraling and I don't like it. I don't like to constantly worry about his health and the extra weight is really putting a huge dent in our sex life. I don't know what the point of this was really, what can I do? What would you do?
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Re: Let us discuss my chubby hubby
My SIL made my brother walk every evening and if he didnt, he didnt get sexy times. He lost about 85lbs over 7 months.
eta: she also cut as much sugar out of their diets as she could. she would buy him sodas occasionally (he used to drink them 24/7) but they were the crappy no calorie ones.
Have you tried scaring him straight? There's only so long you can be kind and supportive for him. I would show him statistics of how he's taking away years with his children by living like that.
Fist off; Love the title! Made me giggle and think...why didn't I think of that?
Second, I am in the SAME BOAT with my SO. I stopped buying crap and he hides something (like a 5 year old I know!) I downloaded the MyFitnessPal app on his phone, and showed him how many calories he was taking in per day versus what he should be, and that still didn't work. So it's a work in progress I guess.
I am trying to be more active, if I am taking DD for a walk and ask him to join, I know he will decline but I ask him anyways and usually just give him the eye roll as he goes back to watching TV. He sometimes ends up getting off the couch and doing something somewhat productive...sometimes, not always and actually not usually...it's super frustrating.
Maybe try giving him stats on being overweight and the health concerns. You can try giving him the...don't you want to be around for me?
GUILT IT INTO HIM THAT HE NEEDS TO MAKE A CHANGE...
Seriously, sounds rough but so far...that's all I've found that works (sort of)
Thanks for posting, I'm glad I'm not alone!
Ugh the talks, they make me feel like I am hitting my head against a brick wall. I have tried every tactic, And every time he tweaks out and spouts off some bullshiit excuse. I am just crazy frustrated, I feel liked might need to do something drastic but I really hate ultimatums.
To the bold....I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT! What a way to kick him into high gear and what a power you can have over a man. Wish I thought of this sooner. OMG. HAHA!
Yeah, it's like dealing with a drug addict. I stopped buying junk and he just buys it during the day in a credit card. So yay he is actually eating us into debt.
I'm in a similar situation. My DH isn't really overweight, but he has severe health issues. He had a heart attack at age 26, he also has HBP. The doctors told him he needs to reduce his salt intake, stop smoking and stop drinking caffeinated beverages. So far he has done none of the above. Not sure what is going to motivate him, but he's got to do it.
This system would never work at my house. I am weak and he doesn't care if he's not getting laid. The MFP thing worked a bit with m y DH although he wasn't too chubby yet. He was drinking the same amount of calories in milk that I was eating all day (over 1400!) He smartened up a bit and his pants fit again.
bfp#4 3/19/2014 edd 12/1/2014 please let this be the one!
beta @ 5w0d = 12,026! u/s 4/22/14 @ 8w1d it's twins!
This makes it a whole lot more serious than just needing to lose weight.
I would discuss this with a counselor and try to get him to go too.
I know that feeling! I wanted to get salads to go Tuesday Night and SO said he would rather save the money and eat at home. So i cooked dinner got home from work yesterday to find a take-out box in the kitchen from his "lunch" that he ate when he got home from work. It's annoying. My eyes are getting tired from all the
We have a Y membership that I take full advantage of on a daily basis. I looooove the babysitting
If he's addicted to food there is very little you can do aside from what you are already doing (keep the junk out of the house, prepare healthy meals/snacks, make time available for physical activity).
YOU cannot flip the switch in his brain. HE has got to find a way to do that himself. Motivation comes from within. He's got to want to do it, period.
For men, a (team) sport activity can be a driving force for physical activity and that in turn can help drive better eating habits.
As for withholding sex or making other threats: don't go there. It'll cause him to dig in and resent you.
So here's the thing. My H is very overweight as well. I've kept all the food at home healthy, made healthy meals, encouraged him to go on walks with me every day, had him get a gym membership, helped him to try a vegan diet, did nutrisystem with him, etc.
At the end of the day, the motivation just isn't there. He will lose some weight, but then he will go back into his own patterns. Sadly, there isn't anything I can do for him but to wait and hope that one day it will click for him. But I can't want it for him, he has to want to do it himself, and be extremely motivated in his goals. And if he's not, nothing is going to change. Otherwise, you're right, it's like hitting your head up against a brick wall. I've decided that for my personal health, it is worth it to stay away from all the arguments or discussions about it because they only make me anxious and upset. And we don't need two unhealthy parents in this household.
I think this is a terrible idea. If the situation was reversed and DH withheld intimacy from me because I didn't exercise or because of my weight, I'd be hurt and angry and it would probably not motivate me, but make me resent my spouse. Making sex a reward/punishment seems like a bad idea in my opinion.
I think the best way to get him up and moving is to plan fun family activities that involve walking, bike riding, etc. I would also talk to DH about being an example to your child/children. He needs to take care of himself and model good behaviors so that they will not follow down the same path. Maybe if the focus was taken off of him and his weight and put on your children's future eating habits, exercise, having fun together he would be more apt to get on board.
Speaking for myself, an overweight mom who has struggled with weight my entire life, I get very defensive and resentful when DH talks about my weight and tries to make me feel guilty or ashamed that I am overweight. When he proposes that we go bike riding, or for a walk or something like that I am on board because the focus isn't me and my problem, but doing something together that has the added benefit of exercise. I am all for eating healthy and exercising, but when it seems like punishment it doesn't work for me.
Yeah but it worked for him. guys dont get their feelings hurt the way women do about that kind of stuff. plus, my sil walked with him too.
The blaming you is a defense mechanism to get you stop talking about it so he can continue in peace in his bad ways. For someone that obese and unmotivated, have you thought he might be depressed?
To get DH to quit chewing tobacco here's what I did out of the blue.
me: "Here's the checkbook. I need you to write a $600 check and you'll have to write another one in about 6 months."
DH: "What for? That's a lot of money."
me: "The life insurance policy I bought you. It's the premium. We need it since you won't be around when the kids are teens."
For whatever reason, it worked. Money was what got him. Maybe get a life insurance policy out on your DH.
I love this idea.
Also, only cook enough for two portions of everything, dont buy snacks for the house, and meal plan.
No getting seconds until at least 15-20 minutes after the first portion is finished.
Scream, throw a hissy fit, let him see that you are freaked out scared that something will happen to him and that you would rather get a divorce now than be a widow in a couple of years, etc. It most likely wont work but it might make you feel a little better to yell and scream and get some of that stress out, when LO is not in the house of course.
"We like nothing better than buffing our Zygoma. And imagining a horny time traveling long overcoat purple scarf wearing super sleuth nordic legend fuck fantasy. Get to work on that, internet." Benedict Cumberbatch
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My parents have both lost a significant amount of weight and have kept it off for several years. My mom started it. She lost over 100 lbs and my dad was still overweight. She actually bought different foods for herself and my dad because my dad wasn't on the same page yet. As my dad watched my mom start to look and feel better, have so much more energy, and become significantly healthier, he started to make changes too. He's now completed Cycle Oregon twice, multiple marathons, and I don't know how many "shorter" races.
Also, about the man who thinks running = sissy... LOL! I can't think of many things more difficult than running 26.2 miles. Has he ever seen the body that a distance runner maintains?
What about getting him a personal trainer at the Y. That really helped DH get into the habit of going to the gym. He also did a biggest loser challenge at his work. DH has never been over weight but slowly has been gaining and decided to stop before it became a problem. He really likes doing 5k and biking, something he never would have done a few years ago. We do family bike rides a lot with a bike trailer on the back of DH's bike.
Here is what I would do:
1) Stop cooking so much food. Cook lots of veggies, and only enough protein to control his portion. He can't eat what isn't there and if he is stilli hungry there are lots of veggies leftover.
2) Stop buying crap food. Just enough that he doesn't feel deprived. A few snack foods in the house and once they are gone, that's it.
3) Don't buy soda or sugary drinks. Again, he can't drink what you don't buy.
4) Take family walks. Don't leave it up to him, he's already said he has no self control. So after dinner, or before dinner, the whole family goes out for a walk. Great family time and it leaves him no excuse because everyone is going.
4) (and this is just what I would do personally) No sex until he puts forth the effort. My hubby understands that having sex involved a physical and an emotional connection. I would rather deprive myself, and than let him run his health into the ground. If sex doesn't drive him to fix it, then figure out what will.
A healthy husband is a happy husband and more importantly an alive husband. This is going to be difficult, but once you get started adn stick to your guns, he will either come around or starve.
I didn't read all the responses so sorry if this was already covered.
Shop healthy. Don't buy chips, and other such snacks. Load up on fruits and veggies to have on hand. Only make enough for one decent portion for him. If there isn't a lot left over he can't gorge himself.
You have to encourage him and do this with him. You have to be the pillar of healthy eating in your house. If you're eating junk, over-eating, why is he going to change? (not saying this is the case currently, just hypothetical)
Exercise WITH him. Find a jogging stroller on craigslist and get out. Find a family gym plan.
Come up with some sort of rewards system.
Positive reactions work much better than sex hold offs and other negative things
::comes out of lurking::
I don't normally post here, but I have something I think is valuable to add on this subject.
I have struggled with my weight and eating disorders my entire life. At 5'9" I have been everything from 115lbs to 368lbs and I am only 28 years old. After I gave birth I had gained a lot of weight. Pregnancy was my ticket to eat and no one could say anything to me. After I gave birth, I was nursing, so I couldn't "diet" or I woud lose my milk supply. The excuses were endless. At 9 months PP I was talking to my H and he said "you know, I love you so much, you are beautiful inside and out, but I am just really not attracted to you at this size. I don't consider myself shallow and I would never leave you over it, but it is hard to bring myself to want to have sex with you"
So I started in "food" therapy. Working on what makes me eat-becaue its obviously not hunger. I have always been super active (never had HBP, Diab, or High Cholesterol) so I kept up with my workouts and started listening to my body and what it needed. September 15th will be one year since I started my journey. I have lost 122lbs. I am at a comfortable place with how I look and how I feel.
There are a couple of books by Geneen Roth that helped me and helped H to see what my struggle was. "When Food is Love" is at the top of the list.
Also, someone telling me I needed to eat better and exercise and giving me ultimateums usually pushed me towards food more.
Good Luck.
I know! he's a real idiot sometimes
And on the withholding sex thing - is there a certain sex act he likes? maybe it could be walk 3 times this week and I'll give you the best BJ of your life. I agree that withholding sex might be emotionally very hard on him, but getting a reward sounds good to me!
I second whoever said to talk to the doc about depression. Not caring about anything or not wanting to get off the couch to spend time with your family doesn't sound good.
Also, not sure if he'd be interested, but food journalling is a strong tool as well. Does he even realize what his intake looks like in a day?
Good luck!
This link has a good MRI comparison of athletes versus sedentary people. Since men are visual maybe this will motivate him? Warning, it is a little graphic.
https://sweatscience.com/the-incredible-unaging-triathlete/
Agreed. My husband has gained 40+ pounds since I became prego.. more than I have gained! He complains about how his clothes no longer fit and how uncomfortable he is and how he wants to get fit again, but eats until he has a stomach ache and refuses to go on walks with me. We walk/bike our son to school because it is so close, I like to walk it because I feel it is a better work out than barely balancing while trying to maintain the slow pace that is a kindergarteners biking pace, but my husband is so lazy he would rather drive him or ride his bike at a snails pace!! I try not to judge, I was in a relationship before where I felt like every time I ate my boyfriend was judging me. If it has become as unhealthy as you have described, I would express my concern with him and possibly seek counseling for it. Being overweight is one thing, being obese is entirely another. I told my husband when this baby comes, we are both getting uber fit again, whether he likes it or not. We can't afford to buy a bigger sized wardrobe for a bunch of chubsters! Besides that, he is being an unhealthy role-model for your children. Ask him how he would like it if your kids became overweight, unhealthy, and uncomfortable as he is. Let him snack, just make sure it is tasty but healthy foods.. I don't know, I'm not exactly in the same boat, but I wish the best for you and your husband.
Also, he might feel like he can't do it. When you have a ton of weight to lose just the thought itself is depressing. It seems unattainable. It seems like a massive, massive undertaking.
Mark's Daily Apple spotlights a weight-loss or getting healthy success story every Friday. There is a file of them and some of them are incredible. Whenever I lose motivation or feel like it just can't be done, I read those. You can find the success stories here.
DD2 (b. 9/04/2013)
BFP 2/25/12, m/c @ 6w 3d || BFP 8/1/12, m.m/c @ 9w5d
I think this is valuable too! I think there's a big difference between saying, "You go out and exercise and I'll have sex with you." and "I love you, and you are beautiful, but I'm having a hard time being attracted to you." The first is manipulative and an attempt to control. The second is being tactful and honest with your spouse about how their choices and behavior is affecting you. I think the second approach is a much healthier one relationship wise.
When you're dealing with a spouses compulsions, attempting to control them is likely to backfire. Not to mention it sets you up to become co-dependent. I really think that the key is to focus on how the behavior is affecting you, be honest, set healthy boundaries for yourself, and allow your spouse to make decisions based off of that.