Not sure if I'm being hormonal or is this wrong?

msjlozano · August 2012

So my friend who wants me to plan her exotic out of town wine excursion while I'm 34 weeks pregnant settled for a wine tasting trail that is just 2 hrs outside of our town. She wasn't happy at first but I had to explain to her that with my leg cramps, and the doctor telling me not to leave far out of town, she finally agreed to a wine tasting day excursion as opposed to a fancy all weekend wine tasting event. UGH. Anyways, that stressed me just writing it.

SO! Here's the issue. She's getting married October 20th, I'm due November 15th. Yes, two big life events for us within weeks, so of course money is tight and we're on budgets, but I am willing to sacrifice a movie, makeup and a nice dinner out so I can purchase the dress, shoes, accessories, getting hair done, nails done, bachelorette party stuff, gas, car rental, food, etc. etc. and my boyfriend is getting his tux and helping out with the bachelor party stuff too. But when it came time for my baby shower, she is is busy, and even told my friend she's on a budget and can't spend money on my baby shower. So wait. I can help her out and spend hundreds of dollars on her special event, but she can't spend a dime on mine? I don't even care about how much she spends or if she spends anything at all, it's just rude to flat out say you're on a budget. AREN'T WE ALL ON A BUDGET WHEN WE'RE EXPECTING OUR FIRST CHILD? She hasn't even helped my friends or family prep for the shower, and yesterday we spent a couple hours making diaper cakes and with my carpal tunnel that wasn't easy, and she didn't even offer to help even though she knew we were making them.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if my hormones are making me think too much, but I'm truly hurt and saddened especially because my friends/fam are all chipping in for my baby shower and nobody even asked her for money.

apegg23 · August 2012

As that does kind of suck, you have to think from her perspective. If you are in her wedding, you agreed to pay for some of these things. Plus having a wedding now a days is crazy expensive. It stinks she can't make it to the baby shower. I wouldn't get too upset about it. Maybe get her a small wedding gift, or skip out on it. A gift is just that, a gift! It's not a requirement.

shutupanddance07 · August 2012

Sounds like your friend is being a bit of a bridezilla. No, thank you, friend. That is not attractive. If you have mutual friends, perhaps someone should point her behavior out to her gently. She'll likely feel stupid for all this when your baby comes and her wedding is over, and if someone points her in the right direction on this one, it might be helpful to your friendship. I don't think you're wrong here, but I think you do need to figure out what kind of friends you are and how important the relationship is.

143BabyCakes · August 2012

I don't think you are being hormonal at all. If being on a budget is such a big issue that she cannot acknowledge your life changing moment with a simple gift or volunteer her time to help with your shower then maybe you should stress less about meeting all of her demands. What's fair is fair. If it is extremely important to you to do all of these things for her, then by all means forge ahead and keep in mind that just because you are friends doesn't mean you operate the same when it comes to things like this. But if it going to cause stress and put a strain on your friendship you owe it to yourself to be honest with her.

BarooGirl · August 2012

msjlozano:

I don't know what to do. I don't know if my hormones are making me think too much, but I'm truly hurt and saddened especially because my friends/fam are all chipping in for my baby shower and nobody even asked her for money.

I say this in a nice way.

I do think you might be blowing this up a little. I get the being upset that she isnt more "into" your baby and your shower. But she is trying to get married and probably pretty stressed out.

I guess I see wedding (and stuff that goes with it) being more stressful and more "important" than a baby shower.---This is not to say that a wedding is more important than a baby or anything like that.

You committed to being in her wedding (guessing here- it sounds like you are more than just a guest). If she didnt offer to host your shower, you really cant make her. Plus, she is busy getting the final stuff ready for her wedding. It also sounds like you have a lot of hosts doing shower things for you- she may just think it is all taken care of. I'd let her off the hook.

Invite her, as a guest, and hope she comes. That is pretty much all you can do.

ironmom5 · August 2012

I agree with PP that you give gifts because you want to, not in expectation of what you'll get when it's your turn. My best friend and I are in total different financial situations. I have a consulting job where I make decent money. I live in an area where the cost of living is pretty reasonable. She, on the other hand, is a teacher in a big city. When she had her baby, I went all out for literally hundreds of dollars worth of baby gifts and travelled 1200 miles for her shower. She can't afford to travel to mine, and is also busy with her own life.

I DON'T feel entitled to a gift just because I spent money on her. I'm not going to take a completely separate life event and use it as a weight and measure against my own. I don't care about a gift or a shower attendance. I care that when I pick up the phone, she's going to answer and talk to me. I care that if I NEEDED her, she would find a way to get to me, maxing out all her credit cards and robbing a bank in the process.

Maybe you're mad at the wrong thing, and the issue isn't your shower and a gift, but something else. Maybe this is just one last straw in a whole line of times you feel she hasn't been a great friend. Because if it's really about weighing what you've done for her against what she's done for you, then that's a sad friendship to have, you know?

And that has nothing to do with hormones, it has everything to do with having a grownup outlook.

CTA7 · August 2012

MandJS:
Showers are gifts. You may have opted to help host her events, but that doesn't REQUIRE her to help host yours. Sure, it's a nice thing to do, but again. A shower is a gift. It's not an entitlement. It's YOUR baby - not hers. There is no reason you NEED to have a shower or diaper cakes or anything else. You and your hosts want them? Great. But that in no way obligates your friend to do the same.
ETA: Also. Your friend may be a bridezilla, but your feelings based on the post you made here don't really make you sound all that much better.

I totally disagree with this advice. Sure, the friend is not "required" to help out with a baby shower -- and the OP is not "required" to be in her friend's wedding. I suppose they are not "required" to be friends, either, for that matter. But they are friends, and OP is asking about whether the friendship is out of balance. ...and I think she's right. Frankly, it sounds like her friend is walking all over her. If it were me, I'd either try to bring it up in a non-confrontational manner, or just recede from the wedding duties as much as possible and see if she gets the hint.

[Deleted User] · August 2012

I would not even be upset she?s not willing to help or buy a gift. I would be, but what I would be more upset about is her being upset that you had to scale down the wine tasting due to your restrictions. Someone who cares more about her bridal events over a friend?s health and her baby?s health is a bridzilla and you can definitely not expect her to help you with anything. Regardless if you offered or not. Your situation is different now and she should respect that. IMO she?s lucky that you will be in here wedding so close to your due date. Yes a shower is a gift not an entitlement but so is a friendship and you need to work together to maintain a respectful one.

pillowpants10 · August 2012

MamaAlex:
CTA7:
MandJS:

Showers are gifts. You may have opted to help host her events, but that doesn't REQUIRE her to help host yours. Sure, it's a nice thing to do, but again. A shower is a gift. It's not an entitlement. It's YOUR baby - not hers. There is no reason you NEED to have a shower or diaper cakes or anything else. You and your hosts want them? Great. But that in no way obligates your friend to do the same.

ETA: Also. Your friend may be a bridezilla, but your feelings based on the post you made here don't really make you sound all that much better.

I totally disagree with this advice. Sure, the friend is not "required" to help out with a baby shower -- and the OP is not "required" to be in her friend's wedding. I suppose they are not "required" to be friends, either, for that matter. But they are friends, and OP is asking about whether the friendship is out of balance. ...and I think she's right. Frankly, it sounds like her friend is walking all over her. If it were me, I'd either try to bring it up in a non-confrontational manner, or just recede from the wedding duties as much as possible and see if she gets the hint.

This.

I don't get how PP's can say "Think of it from [the friend's] perspective, she's getting married!" The friend should think of it from OP's perspective when friend is pouting that her wine tasting is scaled down - OP's having a BABY AND planning friend's wedding activities.

Regardless, I think Baby is equally - if not more important than wedding, even if wedding does require more planning. Wedding is one day- Baby is a lifetime.

Except this isn't about the baby, this about the baby SHOWER. Sorry, but wedding > baby shower.

CTA7 · August 2012

MandJS:
Plus, they have NOTHING to do with each other. OP has apparently offered or agreed to do something for her friend. That does NOT ENTITLE HER to the same treatment from her friend. It just means she has offered to do x, y, and z for her friend. The friend's circumstances are, quite frankly, irrelevant. It does not sound like OP has any lack of others who are hosting.

Glad we sorted out whether OP has a legal cause of action.

rachael_c26 · August 2012

MandJS:
CTA7:
MandJS:

Plus, they have NOTHING to do with each other. OP has apparently offered or agreed to do something for her friend. That does NOT ENTITLE HER to the same treatment from her friend. It just means she has offered to do x, y, and z for her friend. The friend's circumstances are, quite frankly, irrelevant. It does not sound like OP has any lack of others who are hosting.

Glad we sorted out whether OP has a legal cause of action.

What are you talking about?

...not really. Well unless she knows you're an attorney and thinks you're trying to "over analyze" or give a "legal analysis" of the situation...which is not how it came off...

Edited to fix grammar. I know proper usage of your/you're... I swear.

[Deleted User] · August 2012

rachael_c26:
MandJS:
CTA7:
MandJS:

Plus, they have NOTHING to do with each other. OP has apparently offered or agreed to do something for her friend. That does NOT ENTITLE HER to the same treatment from her friend. It just means she has offered to do x, y, and z for her friend. The friend's circumstances are, quite frankly, irrelevant. It does not sound like OP has any lack of others who are hosting.

Glad we sorted out whether OP has a legal cause of action.

What are you talking about?

...not really. Well unless she knows your an attorney and thinks you're trying to "over analyze" or give a "legal analysis" of the situation...which is not how it came off...

I can see how it came off as that.

We are not talking technicalities. OP never said ?I am doing this, so my friend should do this.? She simply asked if she had the right to be upset that someone she thought was a close friend was not stepping up for her. It happens to sting more because she was doing so much stepping up herself. She is not saying she is owed, she is saying it just stings that much more because of the work she has done.

[Deleted User] · August 2012

rachael_c26:
MandJS:
CTA7:
MandJS:

Plus, they have NOTHING to do with each other. OP has apparently offered or agreed to do something for her friend. That does NOT ENTITLE HER to the same treatment from her friend. It just means she has offered to do x, y, and z for her friend. The friend's circumstances are, quite frankly, irrelevant. It does not sound like OP has any lack of others who are hosting.

Glad we sorted out whether OP has a legal cause of action.

What are you talking about?

...not really. Well unless she knows your an attorney and thinks you're trying to "over analyze" or give a "legal analysis" of the situation...which is not how it came off...

I can see how it came off as that.

We are not talking technicalities. OP never said ?I am doing this, so my friend should do this.? She simply asked if she had the right to be upset that someone she thought was a close friend was not stepping up for her. It happens to sting more because she was doing so much stepping up herself. She is not saying she is owed, she is saying it just stings that much more because of the work she has done.

CTA7 · August 2012

Jessii266:
rachael_c26:
MandJS:
CTA7:
MandJS:

Plus, they have NOTHING to do with each other. OP has apparently offered or agreed to do something for her friend. That does NOT ENTITLE HER to the same treatment from her friend. It just means she has offered to do x, y, and z for her friend. The friend's circumstances are, quite frankly, irrelevant. It does not sound like OP has any lack of others who are hosting.

Glad we sorted out whether OP has a legal cause of action.

What are you talking about?

...not really. Well unless she knows your an attorney and thinks you're trying to "over analyze" or give a "legal analysis" of the situation...which is not how it came off...
I can see how it came off as that.
We are not talking technicalities. OP never said ?I am doing this, so my friend should do this.? She simply asked if she had the right to be upset that someone she thought was a close friend was not stepping up for her. It happens to sting more because she was doing so much stepping up herself. She is not saying she is owed, she is saying it just stings that much more because of the work she has done.

This, pretty much. Didn't mean to confuse anyone.

msjlozano · August 2012

Wow sorry! Didn't mean to cause arguments and I am happy I read all this and received advice. I don't feel like my friend owes me anything, just sad she isn't offering to help out with my shower. I pray I am feeling good next month for a wine tasting I planned for her that is 2 hrs away. We'll be gone from 9 am until 5 pm! She had the nerve to ask for us to go out clubbing at night and I laughed and said "no". I draw the line there. Seems like I can't please her. We'll see what happens.

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Not sure if I'm being hormonal or is this wrong?

Re: Not sure if I'm being hormonal or is this wrong?

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