Having second thoughts...
I was planning on placing my baby in an open adoption and was confident that it's the best choice for me and my baby. I am quite young to be taking care of a child and wouldn't have enough money to take care of the baby. My boyfriend is sticking around but we don't live together and this raises concern for me. We both live with our parents and I wouldn't be comfortable with the baby being taken care of by my boyfriend; his dad smokes and they have a big dog who sheds a lot. So, I know it would be better if this child had a family to love it and care for it, but at the same time I can't help but wonder what it'd be like if I did choose to raise this baby. I see so many moms with strollers on the street and wonder if I actually make this choice what I'll be missing. Are there any moms-to-be out there dealing with the same dilemma?
Re: Having second thoughts...
Well... I *AM* a social worker, actually, and I work with mothers of children and toddlers to help with things like child development, parent child interaction, low income needs, etc. I work with a lot of teen moms, young moms, and all my moms are in low income, underprivileged circumstances.
I think what you're going through is perfectly normal, and the first commenter gave a LOT of perfect things for you to consider. I don't care if you're 16 or 36 -- there's never a "right" time to have a baby... there's always things that could be better, that you might wish you're more prepared for, etc. But it's true that teen pregnancies (you didn't say you were a teen, but I'm assuming) come with their own challenges.
It's not impossible. And I firmly believe there's some great teen moms out there. But it is not a job for everyone. It is hard and it's life changing.
1. You live with your parents, and that's fine! But how would they feel about having a baby in their home? Would they support that? Support you? How long do you think you'll be living in your parents house before you can get your own place, and is that timeline acceptable to you and your parents?
2. What about school? A lot of teen moms can complete school with a baby, but just like an adult going back to college with a baby -- it's difficult. There are programs out there that help you find childcare while you're in school. Are you involved in a lot of extracurricular activities like sports or music? Those may have to stop so that you can focus on being mommy AND getting good grades. There's also alternative or online school to get a GED.
3. What's your support system like? Being a teen mom needs you're going to need a lot of help and support, and I don't just mean financial support, but emotional support and parenting advice and such as well! Do you have family in your life that can be there for you as a new mom? Also, I encourage you to look up your local Healthy Families. They're a non-profit that assists new moms in learning about how to be moms and about their babies and they're free for income qualifying persons. (And if you're a teen and/or living with your parents, I can almost guarentee you'd qualify).
4. Do you want to be a full time mom right now at your current age and life circumstances? Can you commit to this starting NOW for the next 18+ years of your life? For a lot of teens, that means no weekend or late night parties, your relationship with your boyfriend will change and if you two don't stay together, you'll be dating as a single mom. Making plans for college will change because you'll have to worry about your baby being taken care of. There are a LOT of blessings to being a mom, but it's not all fun and games. You just have to decide which lifestyle is a priority to you right now.
As for open adoptions.... there are certain blessings that can come with being a birth mom in an open adoption, and a lot of it can depend on the adoptive family you find for your baby. On the average, if an adopting couple wants an open adoption, it's because they WANT a relationship with you, and they'll WANT their baby to have a relationship with their birth mom. You'll also have a LOT of input into what family your child joins into, so that can give you both a piece of mind about your child's wellbeing, but also get a feel for how much they do or don't want you involved in your child's life after the adoption. Yes, you'll have to understand that while your baby will always be your baby in a sense, you're not going to have jurisdiction over this child anymore, how he/she is raised, what happens to the child, how it's disciplined, etc. You don't have access on demand to the child, and you'll have to understand that another woman will be parenting, loving, and raising your child and you have a partnership with them to love the child and allow them to know who his/her birthmother is. You won't be the mom pushing a stroller down the sidewalk, no. But you'll still know your child, get to tell him/her your love them, and watch them grow.
I know, it's a lot to think about. I wish you the best!
TTC since Aug 2011. BFP #1 on 10/28/2011 EDD of 07/02/2012 Natural MC on 11/22/2012 BFP #2 on 10/28/2012 EDD of 7/13/13 Judah Ari born on 7/11/13.
I love my rainbow baby!
These are all GREAT questions to think on and many of these I thought about when I became pregnant at 16. After many months of tears and contemplation, I chose an open adoption for my birthson. I had moments after I made the decision when I thought I could not go through with the adoption, but after getting to know my birthson's parents it gave me the peace of mind I needed and at the end of my pregnancy I felt confident that they were going to be his parents. I just didn't know how I was going to sign those papers. I still don't know how I did it, but I did, and I do not regret my decision because I see how happy my birthson is and I am still able to be apart of his life.
I visit with my birthson 2-3 times a year now and they are wonderful visits that I cherish. We all have a great time and my birthson knows how much I love him. We go to the park, visit at each other's houses etc. I love seeing him smile and doing so well. He is a happy well adjusted kid. His parents have been able to give him so much more than I could of then.
I am content with my decision and visits are something I look forward to, but there are days that are hard and right after placement, it was immensely painful. As with many things, time heals. I will always have that hole in my heart from not being able to parent him and missing out on all those milestones but my heart is NOT broken. My heart swells whenever he tells me he loves me, whenever I see his smile, and whenever I hear him laugh.
After my birthson was born I finished HS and then graduated from college. I worked my way through college and I had very little free time. Last fall I became a Mommy and I absolutely love it. I am beyond happy to finally be Mommy and I feel so lucky to parent my DD. While watching her grow, I have thought about all the milestones I missed out on with my birthson, BUT I also have thought about how much money and time it has taken to raise my DD and I know I would not of had that to give to my birthson. I now have the time to spend with my daughter and really enjoy her childhood taking in all these precious moments with her instead of work and school consuming most of my time and energy. I also have the money to pay for her needs. So becoming a Mom has brought up some sad memories and feelings, but has also again made me feel secure in the decision I made years ago. And it has been pure joy watching my birthson getting to know his bioSister
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Only you know your situation completely and know what you can handle. And only you know what support you have available from family. You have plenty of time to make a decision. Research about Open adoption and look into the financial support available if you choose to parent. If you think Open adoption will be best then talk to an agency. I did not really think I could do an adoption plan until after I met my birthson's parents.
I am so sorry you are faced with these decisions. I'm happy to talk to you or answer any questions you have.
She is faced with a hard decision with two options that will bring great difficulties, but I don't think it is fair to say she has two BAD options available. Maybe you should re-think you're wording there.... Sorry, but you cannot know what either choice will bring her and her child and that is so pessimistic and does not seem like constructive advice. I find it a little offensive too. I chose adoption for my birthson and I do not feel like I picked a BAD option.... I feel like I made a good decision and adoption is a good option. It was an option that gave my birthson a life I could not give him.
I picked adoption and I know others faced in similar situations that picked parenting and both were not BAD choices. Yes, there are others I know that never got their lives together, but it is not written in stone which way it will go. It all depends on so many circumstances.
I know multiple people that were faced with an unplanned pregnancy at a young age and they were able to parent and finish school and get pretty good jobs. Their circumstances were different than mine and they were able to do this and I am happy for them. They had difficulties yes - way more than people who feel financially ready and set in their career when they become pregnant, but they do not feel like their choice was a BAD one.
ibysouth- Definitely take your time with the decision, don't let anyone rush you. And talking it through with a counselor could help you work through the emotions and the planning needed for either option. Best of luck!
Jenny
Switched to Adoption, 3/12
Home study approved 6/12
Ready and waiting for our baby or babies!
www.jenandmattadopt.blogspot.com
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tnv9gGxToYk&feature=share
This! I could hug you for saying this. Even though I a hopeful adoptive parent...niether is a bad choice..your wording however is!
To the OP..answer some of the questions posed as honestly and thoughtfully as possible..you will find your answer
When I was pregnant with my son, we were in a terrible position. My husband and I both had contracts at the same place of employment that ended, we had been living on site where we worked so we had nowhere to live and had to move in with my parents, we were both in college, we had next to no money, it was just bad. We hadn't been planning on having a child for close to a decade, and we did consider adoption.
Our reasons for NOT going forward with it, were:
1.I've always wanted to have children, I've always dreamed of being a mom, so it was something I very much wanted. I even wanted children THEN, it was just the recession that made is such crappy timing.
2. I did not want to make a permanent decision based on a temporary situation. If we had been on a position where our son would have suffered due to our lack of financial stability, then we wouldn't have chosen to parent him. But because we knew he'd be fine (babies don't care if they're living in their grandparents' basement, and they don't care if they have a nice nursery or new clothes or expensive gear), that it was we who'd bear the brunt of the stress, we decided not to make an adoption plan.
3. Though we were in a bad situation, we had a decent action plan. We looked at all the resources available and thoroughly reviewed them to see if we could make it work. We moved into cooperative housing, Dh is smart so he had received a lot of grants and scholarships (some we got just because we have children), we live frugally and we make it work. I graduated right after I had DS, so now I am working and thankfully my schedule is such that we don't need to put the kids in day care. DH works his class shedule around my work so that he can watch the kids. Thankfully we live in a place where medical care is covered for everyone by the government. Will you have medical coverage? That's another consideration. If we didn't live here the delivery alone would have really screwed us.
It's really freaking hard some days, and honestly, I'm not always sure we made the right decision. I am stressed from working two jobs, and DH is always worried that he's going to fall behind in school because something will come up with one of the kids, but I just don't think I could have done it, honestly. I think once DS was born, once I looked at him, there would have been no way I could have handed him over. But the thing is I knew I could care for him.
I sometimes think our kids would be better off with someone else. I think they deserve a nice home with a big yard (ds has LOT of energy and both my kids live to be outdoors, but we live in an apartment), they deserve parents who aren't stressed and financially tapped out, they deserve to be able to go to preschool and play with their friends but they can't because we can't afford to send them. But I also know that it won't always be this way. And I guess what sealed our decision for us was, we knew that we'd eventually make it (we're getting closer to our goals, but not there yet), and that it would be harder with kids but not impossible, and we knew once we did make it we'd always regret placing them with another family. So. That's my story that you didn't ask for
ETA: I'm fully in support of adoption and think it's a wonderful thing. I lurk on this board because my parents were foster parents when I was growing up so I have foster siblings, and also DH and I hope to foster once he is done school.
Eventhough your inspiring story wasn't asked for, I did appreciate it. Just so everyone knows I have graduated high school and decided to take a few years off and would be starting university september 2013. I just find this choice is more difficult because I don't have any other priorities other than work. I know it's quite possible for me to raise my baby, but to go to school at the same time would prove difficult. I'm just having a hard time figuring out if I would find the physical and mental stress more demeaning than the emotional stress of placing my baby for adoption. Thanks all for the helpful lists and inspiring stories. Hopefully I can come to a decision sooner.
Eventhough your inspiring story wasn't asked for, I did appreciate it. Just so everyone knows I have graduated high school and decided to take a few years off and would be starting university september 2013. I just find this choice is more difficult because I don't have any other priorities other than work. I know it's quite possible for me to raise my baby, but to go to school at the same time would prove difficult. I'm just having a hard time figuring out if I would find the physical and mental stress more demeaning than the emotional stress of placing my baby for adoption. Thanks all for the helpful lists and inspiring stories. Hopefully I can come to a decision sooner.