I'm at my wits end

Echowysp · August 2012

I'm getting more and more frustrated with the kids now that dd is almost 2 and not just a cute little blob. I don't know what to do.

My ds' behavior is getting more challenging... lots of defiance, grumpy faces, testing the limits, not listening, etc. He gets wound up by his sister, who doesn't understand what her actions do yet. She will act silly and he will follow suit. If she yells, he yells. If she takes off her socks and shoes in the car and sucks her toe, he does the same. All the while, they are giggling their heads off, while I'm losing my mind because no one is listening to me to stop.

Blowing raspberries is a behavior they can't seem to stop. She will do it, and then he does it back. I ask them to stop, only to get ignored because they are having fun.

It's hard because I can't really control her behavior yet. I've just started a little bit of TO with her. They feed off of each other, good and bad.

I am left out of control with them. Not all the time, but at least once or twice (or more) a day. I've just started a sticker chart with ds. We don't spank, nor do I want to, but I sure can see why parents lose control. I have How to Behave so your Preschooler will too, but haven't read it yet.

Please tell me I'm not alone!

LoveEeyore · August 2012

From what you have written, my gut is to suggest that you sit down and evaluate what really is out of control. Why do you stop raspberries? Sure it's gross, but it's reciprocity, it's no ill will, and annoying as it is, it's sweet!

I am a natural consequence kind of girl. With the shoes and socks, I make them put them back on without help. At 2 that may be harder, but maybe prevent by putting shoes on she can't get off if you have no time to fix in the car.

With the raspberries... it could be as simple as when they are done they have to go wash their hands and face...

I have been a bear the last week because I have torn a ligament in my right hand and hubby's out of town, and I'm worried about my cat who just had a tumor removed, and I just want 5 flipping minutes alone in my head. I am snapping left and right, but am trying to bite my tongue, and think "If I don't stop this right now, will it impact anything tomorrow?" Meaning, can a toe get broken? Will a feud break out? And I am finding i'm walking away more.

I am VERY strict in public. Today we walked through the hospital to get my xrays and toys r us to get a bday present for a friend, and they were saints. In control. The minute we were in the car they were needling eachother, crying fighting... Like a switch. But I still count it a win because our missions were accomplished and we didn't negatively impact anyone else... so I guess, my rambling's main point... maybe focus on Are they being kind and safe? Once they are those two things all the time, start shaping more?

Echowysp · August 2012

LoveEeyore:
From what you have written, my gut is to suggest that you sit down and evaluate what really is out of control. Why do you stop raspberries? Sure it's gross, but it's reciprocity, it's no ill will, and annoying as it is, it's sweet!

I am a natural consequence kind of girl. With the shoes and socks, I make them put them back on without help. At 2 that may be harder, but maybe prevent by putting shoes on she can't get off if you have no time to fix in the car.

With the raspberries... it could be as simple as when they are done they have to go wash their hands and face...

I have been a bear the last week because I have torn a ligament in my right hand and hubby's out of town, and I'm worried about my cat who just had a tumor removed, and I just want 5 flipping minutes alone in my head. I am snapping left and right, but am trying to bite my tongue, and think "If I don't stop this right now, will it impact anything tomorrow?" Meaning, can a toe get broken? Will a feud break out? And I am finding i'm walking away more.

I am VERY strict in public. Today we walked through the hospital to get my xrays and toys r us to get a bday present for a friend, and they were saints. In control. The minute we were in the car they were needling eachother, crying fighting... Like a switch. But I still count it a win because our missions were accomplished and we didn't negatively impact anyone else... so I guess, my rambling's main point... maybe focus on Are they being kind and safe? Once they are those two things all the time, start shaping more?

You're right in a lot of ways. I feel like I'm spending so much time snuffing out fires that are just them having fun. The raspberries are sometimes done by ds in a disrespectful way, but a lot of the time, it's just them being fun. But at the dinner table, it's not a good thing. It drives dh crazy, so I am trying to teach them to stop. But maybe I'll talk to dh about first stopping it at dinner table.

They are hot messes at stores lately. Literally went from it being a fun task for us to do to me almost leaving them behind so I can run away. All because dd wants to walk, but she's too small to stay with me. So that turns into her crying and then ds starting to act up. I don't know if it's too much to take both shopping at this age as many friends have told me. I feel like if I can just control dd things would be better.

ldcoffel · August 2012

You are not alone! I totally understand how you feel... I agree with pp that you don't have to make them stop everything, it's just kid stuff. Also, my DD always takes her shoes off, so I don't put them on until we get too where we are going.

wall0307 · August 2012

Well, you're not alone. My two sons do exactly the same things. The blowing raspberries (aka spitting) is gross, and we don't tolerate it in the house. I generally ignore it in the car. I pretend I don't hear it. If I make a big deal about it, DS #1 will do it more, and I really just need to concentrate on driving. Both of my DS are loud, and DS #2 is into screaming right now for fun. Honestly, again I just ignore it. If I make a big deal out of it, they're going to do it more. It's not unsafe, they're having fun, and they're releasing energy. They also don't do it in public. DS # 2 takes his shoes off in the car all the time. I make him put them back on when we get to our destination. I'll be honest and say DS #2 doesn't wear shoes very often. When they really get to me in the car, I turn the music up and pretend they're not there. DS #1 is copying DS #2 wild behavior all the time. I'm not an expert, but I think it's his way of interacting with his brother.

Court0026 · August 2012

I can relate to this as well. The constant feeding off of each other's behaviors is so annoying. For me, DD was always the wild one. DS has been getting ideas from her for over a year. Stores are a nightmare. The car is a joke. They fight so much over songs and who likes each song more/less/whose favorite that I just turn music off. I am very frustrated. I feel like they are either fighting or joining forces to drive me nuts.

Plus, we sold our house without finding a new one in time, so we are moving this weekend to a rental and just met with a builder who gave us a crazy estimate...basically no real house in the foreseeable future. So much crap to do when you move. UGh.

LoveEeyore · August 2012

Yes, it's easy to cross the line, test the boundaries. You can try limiting by defining what's okay in specific situations. If we are in a store and they are excitedd or getting loud I'll stop look up and say "Yikes! What's that I see?" and they'll all say- "a ceiling." And I'll say "oops, that means?" And they'll say quiet voices.

At the table, it's fair to expect talking and eating mouths. You could try dramatically grabbing the edges of the table- "Oh, what's this?" (a table). "ooooh, you're right, and a table is for talking mouths and eating mouths! My favorite color is purple, how 'bout you?"

Or if it's done disrespectfully, I'd say "hmm young man. Did you mean to say no thank you Mommy?"

It's a hard age, especially when they gang up on you, but you need to preserve your sanity! I know i've felt like a big jerk all week barking out of frustration and discomfort, and it gets exhausting! Good luck!

mavs_girl07 · August 2012

Your LO's are pretty much the same age as my LO's, so I can totally relate!! But I agree with the others that you really have to pick your battles here and decide what to ignore and what to nip in the bud. As long as they are having fun and no one/nothing is getting hurt then I pretty much just let them have at it. They need time to play and bond as brother and sister, and if that means making annoying sounds together or if that means DD reverting back to behaviors she has long outgrown, then so be it. As long as it's not breaking any of my fundamental rules, and everyone is safe and happy. I've also found that DD is at a stage where if she knows something is bothering me, she'll just do it more and more. The more I try to stop it, the more it's like giving her a cookie...she eats it up and loves every minute of it. So often times I'll completely ignore it, and she'll stop. Or I'll just say something like "You're so silly" and she'll stop since she didn't get the reaction she was looking for.

Echowysp · August 2012

Thanks, guys. I feel a lot better reading your replies. I think I will follow your advice and try to focus on public behavior and table manners for now. I'm going to try to realize that if they are not breaking anything, hurting anyone and laughing their butts off, as annoying as the behavior might be, it's them having fun together. Soon ds will be in kindergarten next fall, so this is their last year together all of the time. I talked to dh about it, so hopefully we both can have a more relaxed attitude about it.

LoveEeyore · August 2012

That's great- and fantastic that you and DH can talk about it and get on the same page!

cmrand4 · August 2012

I could have written this post exactly, except my younger one is a newborn...so my oldest does all of these things, even the raspberries, on his own accord. I've become a yeller, which I hate and I know doesn't help. I'm working on modeling good behavior and being consistent with time outs for really out of line stuff. Even time outs haven't worked lately as he just laughs and gives me a deivlish look. You're not alone!! I'm hoping this is a quickly passing phase after he tests my patience.

Littlejen22 · August 2012

If they are only out of control once or twice a day you are way ahead of most. I do think you need to pick your battles, I remember someone on another board about a totally different situation saying, if you make a big deal about everything then how will they know what the important things are. I think that saying applies, let the little things go and make a big deal about what you really think is important. And I know that raspberries are not the issue you want to spend your time on, if they are spitting on the food at dinner or spitting out food then concentrate on table manners and take away their food or move their chair away from the table until they calm down. Taking off socks, let them do it, hell I would just put them in the car without them on and put them on when I got to my destination instead of doing it twice, my DD is 3y8m and she spent every single day last winter taking her socks and shoes off even if it was snowing, she does not have a sensory issue but she just did not like socks on unless necessary and it is her feet so it is not my battle - of couse I would battle if she wanted to go without shoes through the snow.

macchiatto · August 2012

Lots of great advice in this thread! We've had a lot of issues with the boys feeding off each other and getting crazier and crazier. I like the guidelines listed for how to decide when to intervene and when to let it go, and I love LoveEeyore's suggestions. I'll have to try some of those!

Echowysp · August 2012

LoveEeyore:
That's great- and fantastic that you and DH can talk about it and get on the same page!

Yeah, I feel much better today about it. I talked to him last night about what you ladies were saying about picking battles and used the "no raspberries at the table" but ignoring it, say, in the living room. He agreed. Today, the kids got into a raspberry fit on the way to school. I ignored them and felt much better.

AZ123 · August 2012

I put a lot of the responsibility on the DS1 being that he's older and can stop the yelling matches v. DS2 that can't. So I'll ask DS1 to stop and he'll say "but DS2 is doing it!" and I explain that he's the older brother and DS1 is still little and can't stop on command.

What about separating them at the dinner table?

mrsseguin · August 2012

It's a hard age, but I've really learned to 'pick my battles'. When the kids are playing and having fun, I usually leave them alone. Unless it's something where they can get hurt...like jumping on the bed. If I let all the little things bother me, I'd be in the nut house. They're kids, I think it's important to let them just be kids. Teach them when things are appropriate and not appropriate.

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