His ex not telling us about preschool
Kristine822
member
My boyfriend's daughter is being enrolled in preschool (and probably started yesterday). I had to ask her great grandmother when I dropped her off one Sunday night if her mother was going to enroll her, since she is 4 now, and needs socialization, since her mother hasn't given us any info. (FYI - we don't speak to the mother, all communication,pickup/dropoff is done through her mother or grandmother. He new husband won't let her do anything tha involves either one of her older kids father's). Great grandma said yes, but she didn't know when it started.
My boyfriend is super pissed since he's supposed to be an emergency contact on his daughter's enrollment paperwork, and has the right to be involved ib her education, yet he has no idea where she is even going!! (and we just know his ex didn't put him on her paperwork) We sent the ex a very professionally/matter of fact-ly worded letter requesting information on preschool, where we addressed other issues where she's not followng the orders laid out in their divorce decreee/custody arrangement (ie. we have no # for her, she has no health insurace on the kid, doesn't give him info about doc visits or even the opportunity to pay his half, we can't pick up at her house which is much closer to us than her grandma's house) and referenced pages in the decree where she could validate our claims. We gave her 7 days to provide info or we are filing a motion with the court.
Has anyone ever had to file a motion before? I called and they told me it was a motion to compel, and that our initial letter was the request for discovery. We can't exactly afford a lawyer at the moment, and I know this can be done by yourself, you just have to do some research first to make sure you are wording it correctly.
Has anyone else ever had this problem with the ex? She thinks she's above the law and can do whatever she wants. Too damn bad, because my boyfriend is a good father and he wants to be involved with his daughter's education. He wants to pay his half of her doctor bills, and know what the doctor says at her annual check-up.
How the heck can we get her to grow up and do what she's already supposed to be doing?!! Will the motion work? (if we get no response by tomorrow) Is the court going to do anything to her? Very frustrating!!
Any advice is very much appreciated!!
Re: His ex not telling us about preschool
how long have you and b/f been together? my advice: take a HUGE step back from this situation. your b/f and the childs mom need to handle this. sure you can be supportive of him, offer him advice, and do some research for him, but HE needs to be the one making the big steps.
that being said, everything I have read says not to go to court without a lawyer. you can file a contempt charge for her violating the divorce agreement but it won't resolve anything tomorrow. these are long drawn out process's.
Perhaps your BF should see if your city/ town has legal aid assistance, or if you can get a free consult with an attorney.
you cannot change the mother. you cannot control what goes on in her house. so ditch that idea. you're best bet is to look out for the best interest of the child and encourage your BF to at least be on speaking terms with the mother, it will make this situation SO much easier on everyone.
Too damn bad, because my boyfriend is a good father and he wants to be involved with his daughter's education. He wants to pay his half of her doctor bills, and know what the doctor says at her annual check-up.
Really? is this what you think makes a good father? Him paying 1/2 her medical bills? You are kidding right?
This is none of your buisness...you are not her mom or even step mom...stay out of it.
Like Holly said, how long have you two been together? It does sound like you need to take a major step back, you are the GF (Girl Friend), not the SM (Step Mom). How long have you been in your BF's DD's (Dearest Daughter's) life?
So this has been going on for awhile? Why is something just now being done about it? Is it because YOU are getting worked up? Or is it because not being notified about preschool was 'the straw that broke the camel's back' for your BF? If the first, then I'm guessing you wrote the email to BM (Birth Mom)- don't do that. And don't pull the writing the email for BD (Birth Dad) crap either. Communication needs to be between BD & BM - the parents of the DD.
If this is all coming from your BF and you have been with him for a long time, then forgive me. I just really hate GF's overstepping their boundaries and thinking they have a say in things. And I say that coming from the point of view of both having a friend who is a GF to a BD and thought she had a bigger role than she did, and the point of view of a BM who had to deal with a controlling, manipulating old GF of the BD in my situation.
Now to step down and address your question - If BD does file contempt then there will be a court date. BD needs to make sure he brings documentation to this hearing proving that BM has been in contempt. Since this is the first time filing for contempt, the judge will likely just give BM a slap on the wrist and say "Per the CO, you need to notify BD of DD's educational and medical matters. Pick ups need to be done at your house, not your mother or grandmother's house. You have X number of days to get health insurance for DD (or the judge may see if your BF has health insurance DD can be added to.) Finally, communication should be between BM and BD, not BD and BM's mom/grandma." Of course, if there is nothing in the CO about where pick ups should take place, then there may be nothing you can do about that.
We've been together for 3 years. I never step in to get in the middle, ever. I am just here to support my boyfriend. He asks for my help when it comes to writing the letters, but it's him that signs them. He knows I'm better at researching, so he asks for my help in trying to find answers. If he decides to file anything with the court, or get lawyer, it will be him that does it. I am just his support system, and I support him 100% and help him in any way possible and am there whenever he needs me.
It's the mother that doesn't want to be on speaking terms though, not my boyfriend. He is appalled that he can't even get a contact number for her. She used to do "the normal" (ie. call him to discuss a rash, do pickup/drop off at her house, inform him of doctor visits, etc.) before she remarried, and now that she's married with another child, it's as if she doesn't exist, and his child is practically being raised by a 90 year old woman. We know she is at the grandmother's house a LOT (I mean, that's where she is every Thursday, every other friday and sunday night. We've driven by before and seen her being dropped off on a wednesday night, and we know that his daughter calls grandma's house "home" and prefers to go there over her mom's house). We (HE) gets NO information about his own daughter. We didn't even know where she lived for 9 months!! We had to send 3 letters to her grandmother's house to get the mother to finally respond with her address. She violates the decree without a second thought and it's getting old. She acts as if my boyfriend is just an every other weekend babysitter and not her father.
When he found out she was in preschool and he wasn't even being told, and had no idea where she was going, and knew he was probably going to miss his opportunity to do "meet the teacher" night and ask questions and raise his own concerns about his daughter's education he was so apalled and upset that he started crying. (this man never cries!!)
It's beyond ridiculous that he would even have to go to these extremes (a lawyer, the court..) to get his ex to do the simple things she should already be doing!
That being said, I tend to agree about not going to court without a lawyer. So I will try to see if we have any legal aid or free consultations nearby.
The only thing you can really do is document your attempts to request the information. Work with the Great Grandmother or whomever your BF communicates with to see if he can get information about the preschool. Court is a long drawn out process and you will not get an immediate resolution. We've had many problems with my fiance's ex not abiding by the parenting plan, especially information sharing. Like the PP said, you can't control what BM does. Just document, document, document so if and when you do go to court, BF has the proof to show that BM is refusing to abide by the court order. Maybe the Motion will compel BM to do the right thing -but it may not or it may be temporary in that she may give in to sharing this piece of information, but will find something else to withhold, and then the process starts all over again.
One piece of advice I have learned over the years with our BM, I would refrain from giving stict deadlines when requesting information (i.e 7 day response). Try to be a little more lenient (2-4 weeks). It is frustrating, but when dealing with an uncooperative parent, giving a deadline just fuels the other parent to show their control of the situation by not responding to the deadline. If in 2 weeks (or more) you don't hear anything, send another request.
No, I don't think that's all it takes to be a good father. I watch my boyfriend's interaction with his daughter (we live together) and I KNOW he is a good father. He does everything he can for his daughter, that he has the opportunity to do. He wants to do more, but can't because of the ex and the lack of information she gives him.
Honestly, I am totally offended by your comment. I am not legally her step mom, but I act as such and will continue to do so. We do not need to married to be a commited family. I care for his daughter as if she were my own.
Thanks for the advice! We do tend to document every little thing, and every letter is sent certified mail. If we need to send another letter, we should probably give more time, like you suggested, because the mother is the irrational type and would try to exercise as much control over the situation as possible.
Also, I appreciate the advice without the (what feels like an attack) of "step back" or "you're not the mom/step mom, stay out of it" crap.
You're welcome. My fiance and I have been together 9 years. I don't believe that you have to be married and given the title of Step Mom in order to have feelings about what is going on in the child's life. I do agree, your BF needs to be the one to communicate with BM and he should make the decisions with regard to the children. Like you said, you are a support system and you seek out advice for him. Most men aren't lurking on message boards for advice (I know my fiance doesn't). In no way should you feel you should have no say. When you are in a relationship with someone with chidren, and you live together, things that affect the children affect you as well and that is just a fact. Luck to you.
I agree with everything you just said! Thank you!
If the bolded is in fact true and not an exageration, why doesnt your BF ask for full custody and offer BM visitation?
BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012
BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013 Arrived via c-section 09/27/2013
He would absoluely LOVE to! But it would be a legal battle, the mother won't just give up control. We just don't know that we have the money at the moment to hire a good lawyer and fight for it. Texas tends to favor the mothers, and we have no way to prove it, if mother refutes it, without actually stalking the grandma's house. His plan is to wait until his daughter is a little older and able to voice her own opinions. That way we have time to save a good chunk of money for a lawyer, and will have multiple years worth of what we are able to document and prove.
It's not crap. Your not the SM. GF and SM are a huge difference. You have been together 3.5 years, so at least it's an established, committed relationship, but it's still not a marriage.
"and I wrote them, but he signed them, no communication ever has my name on it." YOU wrote them, not BD. You sound just like BD's XGF, she would send texts from his phone so there were from "him," and she would write the emails and put his name on it and send it from his email address. The text/email is still from you! You do need to back off. If BD wants help composing an email, have him write it. Then, look over it and make suggestions, don't write it for him. Communication needs to be from BD.
I understand. I'm not overstepping, I'm just here to support and help my BF in every way. These are all his concerns, and not generated from me trying to control things. I just happen to be better with research. You are overstepping. If you are writing BD's emails and doing all the research for him, then what is he doing? Saying "I wish I could know about preschool with DD. *sigh*" and then that lights a fire under your butt to send an email to BM and research everything?
This is harsh, but you should know your place as the GF. I'm sure that BM knows everything is from you, and that's part of why she blows things off.
Twister - I can see that you've had a bad experience with an XGF - but she is not me. I would never do anything without my boyfriend's knowledge or ok first. He asks me to write letters - not emails, not texts (hence the we have no contact number for her sentence) - but professionally written letters. He asks me to write them up, identifying all the points he wishes to address, and then he reads them and makes any changes he wishes, and signs them, and we drop them in the mail with a certified delivery receipt. The only reason I write them and not him, is because he knows I am a better writer than him. I write it to say everything he wants to say. He asks for my help - I do not overstep and go out on my own to write letters and research because it's what I want to do. I do it because it's what he asks me to help him do.
I know my place - I am his girlfriend. We live together. We have a baby on the way. His daughter is included in our life to the extent made possible by his custody arrangement. He tells me that I am already her stepmother.
**I can't believe the harsh advice I am getting here on this post. I was looking for some words of advice regarding the legal issue at hand here - not my place in her life. I know my place in her life, and his. I do not have any experience with court motions - and that is what I was asking about. Instead I get treated as if I am some overstepping young dingy jealous girlfriend who goes behind her boyfriend's back. What if I posted as his wife - would I get the same response? I think not. I wish the judgement would cease due to the fact that I have not yet attained "marital status".
Thanks to those who posted a real response to my actual question. To the others - maybe you just needed to take out something from your own personal situation on a complete stranger, I don't know, but you haven't been the least bit helpful in your judgemental attempts to make me feel as if I am out of place to ask such a question.
We have no idea. We have no information on where she will be attending school, only the fact that she is attending, confirmed by the 90 year old grandmother of my BF's ex.
Apparently Twister would be satisfied if you and BF jumped into marriage after one year, cause then you would be SM instead of JUST a GF. It is crap if that is her defense that you need to be married. I completely get where you are coming from. Some of us do understand. How many people in a relationship would turn to their significant other who asks them for advice about a situation regarding their child and says, "Sorry, I'm just the GF. I'm staying out of it. Deal with BM yourself." You should feel comfortable coming to this board and asking for advice for how to deal with the situation, whether you are married or not. You will face the same struggles as other women on this board in blended families whether you are married or not. Luck to you!
I do not care if you are offeneded or not. you have no legal rights to any of the info you are asking for. Your BF does because he is her father, it doesnt matter if you have been together 8 years...legally you dont count.
you stated in your post that he wants to pay for 1/2 her medical bills, big deal...why would you even put that in the post? and why isnt he doing it already ? it has nothing to do with her school issue and is why i addressed it. it sounded like you think he should get a gold star because of it!
If it is a daycare, then legally you don't have a say as that is not "education" even if it is a "preschool" class in the daycare. That is why I asked. In TX, I assume unless you mention otherwise that there is no first right of refusal in the CO because the standard order doesn't contain a first right of refusal. So she can let anyone she wishes watch the child during her CO'ed time and that includes send them to any daycare she wishes.
In terms of an actual preschool, if it is a private preschool then I would assume there is a legal right to share in the decision making but unless you go to court you can't prevent her from enrolling a child in a preschool. I know most standard orders in TX though say that the child's school is determined by the CP's address so if it is a preschool tied to the public elementary school then you wouldn't have a choice.
In TX, the orders also typically state that both have parents have rights during their possession and joint in TX typically means each parent has the right to make their own decisions during their CO'ed time. They like you to discuss the decisions with the other parent but unless you are limited by CO the other parent can make any decisions. So basically, she can do whatever she wants and yes, you would need to go to court to resolve any issues. I don't think she would be found in contempt for enrolling the child in preschool regardless of the type but she might be found in contempt for not giving the dad the information on the doctors or listing him as an emergency contact.
I agree with what others are saying. I understand you want to help out your BF but it is really making things worse. Every single time I get an email or text from my ex I can tell it is written by his GF. While I can understand her concern to stick up for him or speak for him the information would be much better recieved if I knew he was the one coming up with the ideas. And I would be able to communicate with him better if he would just talk to me directly. We had a mediation and he showed up with a folder organized with all of his "evidence" and I can be 110% certain he didn't have a single thing to do with that folder. She put it all together. She actually even told me she was going to do it.
I do not send my BF to go and write my emails and do everything for me regarding my son. My son is my child and I will make the decesions and communications. The point people are trying to make is that your BF needs to take responsibility for how he wants to deal with his ex and child. Without you "helping" him. It makes the relationship all that more difficult having a GF step in and try to throw her weight around. My ex filed a contempt charge against me. I can guarantee you that he would never have done that had his girlfriend not told him to.
That being said I think your BF telling her that he wants all the information such as school enrollment and health info and giving a deadline is a good idea. At least give her a chance to get her sh*t together. I hope you don't have to file a contempt charge because I can guarantee you that will make the communication way worse. After I read that my ex wanted me thrown in jail I can tell you that did not make me want to be cooperative with him. If I were your BF I would try whatever you can first before having to take that step.
Though if she truly will not communicate with your BF at all or her husband won't allow her to than he has no choice but to do things through the courts. And yes you can file motions yourself and represent yourself but I can't imagine that is easy. And lawyers are insanely expensive so if you use one you really have to pick your battles.
So your BF asks you to write the letters, so they come from you. I would just think that as the BD, he would want to do the leg work. If you?re a better writer than him, then why not have him write the draft and then you edit it? That way it?s actually from BD.. If he is giving you an outline of points, then that?s good.
How sweet that your BF says you are already his DD?s SM. Except you are not. If he wants you to be his DD?s SM then he should marry you. Moschic, a BF/GF relationship and a marriage are completely different ? in a marriage you are legally binded together and ending it requires much more work than simply saying ?It?s over? and moving out. If you ask most of the SM?s on here, they do believe that marrying their DH gave them a stronger role in their SK?s lives because they were a more permanent part of it.
And you came to an online board and asked a bunch of strangers some questions ? sorry you?re not happy with the responses. Unfortunately, you cannot make us stick to only answering what you asked.
Welcome to the 21st century, how did your first marriage work out for you? Worth all the hassel and "work" when you seperated? I don't need to piece of paper to give me a legal title and I don't plan to end it. We love each other and support each other. Just my opinion. My fiance's kids wouldn't treat me any differently if we were married. That is what matters to me and maybe not the majority or women out there, but this board is for everyone, not just married women. I can see both sides, but expecting significant others who are a part of those children's daily lives to butt out when an uncooperative parent is interfering with EVERYONES well being, I disagree. To say that if a SM writes a letter, e-mail or text for BD is different than an "established" GF just because of a legal document, is wrong.
All of this! When I married my DH I also made a lifetime commitment to my SD, it`s just not the same as a GF.
Wow. I haven't been on TB for a couple years and have just been lurking as of late but couldn't resist replying after seeing this thread play out. Kind of struck a nerve.....
Kristine822- I'm really sorry so many people on here are giving you a hard time about the GF thing. It seems that a board like this would be a little more supportive about a subject like this--regardless of what your "title" is, you are still a big influence in a young person's life.
I would have to agree with some of the PP that opening some line of communication would help, whether that be with the grandmother or the mother. Props to you both for wanting to be as involved in your STEP-DAUGHTER's life as you possibly can. The more positive involvement/cooperation she can see from both sides of the family, the better--and remember that's what it should always come down to--what's best for the child.
On a side note- my SO (significant other seems to be a more acceptable term for the marriage gods) and I have been together for almost five years. We have a 10 yr old son (my biological from a previous relationship), a 3 yr old girl, and are trying for another......and get this--we have no plans get married any time in the near future, if ever. We are content to live our life in sin.........
:: Flame away, flame throwers::
DS#1 3-28-02 ~ DD 6-15-09 ~ DS#2 5-31-13
The problem isn't that you aren't married. The problem is that she is not your child. I'm sure that you love each other, which is great, but it's still not your fight. Many people, SM and BM alike, are telling you that the situation would improve if you backed off a little. It might make the BM easier to deal with, but at the very least, it'll spare you some headaches. You can be a sounding board and offer your opinions, but he should be doing the legwork. He needs to be the one fighting for his daughter. Think of it this way: when she grows up, do you two want her to know that he put in the effort to be involved in her life, or would you rather she learn he would only do it if you were there to write the letters and do the research for him? Because she will figure it out.
This, your SO needs to do the work with you as a support system not the other way around.
It sounds like it's going to be a legal battle anyway, so why not just go balls out with it? At the very least, you can't prove she's an unfit mother, but if the grandmother is summoned to testify, by law, she has to tell the truth.
Worst case scenario, he doesn't get custody but you accomplish what you set out to do anyway. (Have to be held accountable for all the things in your OP)
And to the poster that replied, not the original poster: There are many COs that would not even allow them to live together not saying this is the case in this situation so lets not act like being a girlfriend is the same as a wife.
As for what to do, get a lawyer that can write these letters and try to get a new CO that gives right of first refusal. If you are not willing too make that happen you are likely fighting an uphill battle.
I just quickly glanced on the responses but I wanted to let you know that I am supportive to you dont have to be married to be a SM if this is a long standing commitment.
However, I can feel for your situation and your desire to support your BF and that youre simply here looking for some advice for him.
It sounds like youre on the right path with documenting everything and it can be very frustrating to be dealing with an uncooperative ex. All I can suggest to you is that you have your BF lawyer up. Have him fight for more rights to the child as difficult as the ex may make it. Whats the worst that can happen? They will provide mediators in the process for your boyfriend and ex to figure things out better and much easier. Unfortunately, the ex will be able to get away with whatever she wants until you take her to court. After thats done and she still doesnt abide by the decree, your bf will have to dish out more money and nab her for contempt again. This is a very expensive and lengthy process that can be very irritating but unfortunately we are at the hands of the courts.
Be there for your bf and keep you distance with the ex and anything that has to do with her. Your bf needs you for support and his daughter will need you as a role model. GL to you!!
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