handling death of a family member's pet

Mrs.RockyM · August 2012

MIL and FILs cat had to be put down this week. We're really not sure how to (or even if we should) handle it with DD.

Do we just not bring it up till right before we go to their house for a visit? Do we just tell her that the cat isn't going to stay at grandma nd grandpa's anymore?

KathrynMD · August 2012

My parents put their dog to sleep a while ago, I didn't make a big deal about it to DD, just said she wouldn't be there and DD never really brought it up. She occassionally talks abou the dog, but never questions where she is or why she hasn't seen her lately.

jlw2505 · August 2012

I believe in honesty especially with things like this - you just to talk to your child at his/her level. When our dog had to be put to sleep about a 1 and a half ago, we were able to tell the kids in advance as he was pretty sick. We told them a few days before (we picked the date and gave ourselves a few days to say goodbye) and told the kids that the dog was very sick and would be going to Heaven soon so he wouldn't be in any more pain and would be able to run and play again with all the other dogs. We told them that he would be in heaven watching over us. We had the girls spend some extra time playing with him and giving him treats and some extra loving (this dog was amazing and really loved my girls and watched over them). We didn't make a big deal of it on the day off but when they got home from daycare/preschool, he was gone and they realized right away. We reminded them that he was no longer in pain and while we would miss him a ton (and he would miss us) we would not be able to see him again but that we could remember him and love him always. We made a photo book of pictures from the time he was a puppy and my DH brought him home to those very special pics we took the last few days. My fav pic is of my DH and both of my girls laying down and snuggling with the dog. So special. The girls still talk about him and miss him (we got a new puppy last fall that they just love but our other dog was so special to them). It was hard and we had a lot of tears but they seemed to get it - we kept it very age related so they would understand but were always honest. Just never tell them that the pet is sleeping (or that death is like sleeping) or that he ran away. We did use the word death and explained what they meant in very basic terms. My kids are in that phase right now where they talk about death and heaven a lot and we always keep things simple but honest so they understand.

jenn_darrin1515 · August 2012

I think simple and honest is the best approach.

Our cat got hit by a car and died in feb. we waited until the girls asked where tommie went and then told them that she went to kitty heaven. that was enough for them at the time. since then they;ve asked again about where she went, and we told them she died and went to kitty heaven, that she won't ever be able to visit, that we miss her terribly, etc.

shannm · August 2012

We recently put our cat to sleep. Someone here recommended the book Lifetimes. We read it together and then talked about how Beia's lifetime was complete. He cried just a little and said he didn't want her to go away. I told him that I was sad too but that she was somewhere where she wouldn't be sick anymore and that was best for her. After that night, he has barely brought it up. He has caught himself drawing her in our family pictures and will briefly mention it but not in an upset way.

Good luck and sorry for your loss.

WiggleBaby · August 2012

we had to put our cat down when DD was 2.5 yrs and she was with us when we took the cat to the emergency vet. but then i took DD home while my husband did the "dirty work" part. anyway she saw me sad, but i tried to control myself till she went to bed. we are absolutely honest with her about everything. we just explain the truth - that the kitty's body stopped working and she is not alive anymore, she has died. DD was sad, and obviously saw me sad too, but she really "got" it. we tell her it's okay for any of us to be sad about it, but we also should remember the happy memories and those will never go away. it's funny that i just saw your post because today i was walking into the basement with DD and she saw a picture of our old kitty (we have 2 new ones now). she said something like "hey mom i miss the kitty a lot, but i really loved her and will always remember her, and i love our new kitties too."

i dont know how close your LO was to your IL's pet but for us it was a pretty big deal. being honest and definitely helped in the long run.

francophonia · August 2012

A few months ago one of DSs friend's hamsters died and they found the body when DS was still over there.

We talked about death with him. Nothing lives forever and I think it's better he learn about death with a hamster rather than, say, when one of their grandparents dies. I think knowing a little about death before a more traumatic death like a family member makes it an overall less traumatic experience.

So we sat him down and told him that everything dies, and that dying means that the body stops working. We also explained that when someone dies they can't come back, so it's sometimes very sad because you miss them. He really liked the hamster, so he was upset, but he handled it well. We also bought some books about death- namely I'll Always Love You (which Tamsin has to read because it makes me cry)

handling death of a family member's pet

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