Here's a question for you...

Samycakes · August 2012

Does anyone else have husbands or significant others that view porn/half naked women? I mean, am I the only one who is disgusted by this? I've got an on going situation in my household and I can't seem to get past it. He knows it bothers me, and yet continues to do it. I know men are visual, blah blah blah but when did this become the accepted answer?

helloblueeyes · August 2012

You have 2 issues here.

1. You need to talk to your husband if he is intentionally doing something you have told him makes you uncomfortable. That is the bigger issue imo, and one that should be dealt with asap.

2. Your issues with pornography. I know my DH looks at/watches porn. I don't care, i have no issue with it. I have been known to look at/watch it myself. I am not saying that your issues are right or wrong, just that you have an issues with it.

You need to talk to him again or possibly get some sort of couples counseling if he is deliberately continuing, so that you can understand why he does it or so that he can understand why you don't like that he does it. Hopefully both.

Erinm278 · August 2012

I don't think my DH watches porn, but it wouldn't bother me if he did. Unless it interferes with your relationship or him maintaining a productive life, then it's not an issue for me. I agree with PP.

DebateThis · August 2012

helloblueeyes:
You have 2 issues here.
1. You need to talk to your husband if he is intentionally doing something you have told him makes you uncomfortable. That is the bigger issue imo, and one that should be dealt with asap.
2. Your issues with pornography. I know my DH looks at/watches porn. I don't care, i have no issue with it. I have been known to look at/watch it myself. I am not saying that your issues are right or wrong, just that you have an issues with it.
You need to talk to him again or possibly get some sort of couples counseling if he is deliberately continuing, so that you can understand why he does it or so that he can understand why you don't like that he does it. Hopefully both.

Yep, all of this. Your H disrespecting you vs the porn itself are two separate problems that need to be dealt with post haste.

kelle017 · August 2012

DebateThis:
helloblueeyes:
You have 2 issues here.
1. You need to talk to your husband if he is intentionally doing something you have told him makes you uncomfortable. That is the bigger issue imo, and one that should be dealt with asap.
2. Your issues with pornography. I know my DH looks at/watches porn. I don't care, i have no issue with it. I have been known to look at/watch it myself. I am not saying that your issues are right or wrong, just that you have an issues with it.
You need to talk to him again or possibly get some sort of couples counseling if he is deliberately continuing, so that you can understand why he does it or so that he can understand why you don't like that he does it. Hopefully both.

Yep, all of this. Your H disrespecting you vs the porn itself are two separate problems that need to be dealt with post haste.

Yeah I agree with this also. My husband rarely watches/looks at it, but it doesn't bug me. It would however bug me if I had asked him to stop and he purposely didn't knowing that.

chels0120 · August 2012

My DH doesn't (or if he does, is so discrete about it, I've never known) and I'm glad because I would be VERY upset. I find this very disrespectful and if I ever did find out that DH looked at stuff like that, we'd be having a major conversation!

Samycakes · August 2012

All of the advice I've read so far is good. And I can't tell you how much I appreciate your responses. I think some of you are right about me having an issue with porn. It could also stem from me not feeling comfortable with myself physically since I gave birth to our son in March. I feel as though I'm not physically attractive enough for him, and the porn is something he can picture instead. Which is probably not the case. I think someone hit the nail on the head though, about the blatant disregard of my feelings. My job per say this week is get over my issues with my body and sit and talk with him.
I guess I just needed to say something out loud and be told not to be over analyzing the situation. Thanks again girls...

MsCraftsy · August 2012

Samycakes:
Does anyone else have husbands or significant others that view porn/half naked women? I mean, am I the only one who is disgusted by this? I've got an on going situation in my household and I can't seem to get past it. He knows it bothers me, and yet continues to do it. I know men are visual, blah blah blah but when did this become the accepted answer?

I watch it and so does my husband. I don't care if we watch it together or separately. I don't really have any advice for you. If I may ask, why does porn bother you?

NM- posted before I read. Good luck and the previous poster is right. You should look into your issue about the porn and he should look into his issue about disrespecting you.

Samycakes · August 2012

MsCraftsy:
Samycakes:
Does anyone else have husbands or significant others that view porn/half naked women? I mean, am I the only one who is disgusted by this? I've got an on going situation in my household and I can't seem to get past it. He knows it bothers me, and yet continues to do it. I know men are visual, blah blah blah but when did this become the accepted answer?
I watch it and so does my husband. I don't care if we watch it together or separately. I don't really have any advice for you. If I may ask, why does porn bother you?

I would probably have to say it's because the women on there (and I'm not afraid to say this lol) are 9 times out of 10 gorgeous! And I don't feel as though I measure up. Again, I know this probably stems from how I see my self physically post pregnancy, and if you mix in a little postpartum it doesn't mix well. I know I sound like a whinny kid, but I'm really trying to understand the allure of porn. Yes, for some couples it's a great foreplay. But for me, I just can't wrap my head around it. I'm sure I'll get there someday... lol! But you're right, this really boils down to disrespect.

kcisthebombdotcom · August 2012

This probably isn't going to be a popular answer but what the heck. I think it's out of line that you requested that he not look at it. What he does with his private time is his business. If he became addicted and it was interfering with his job/your relationship, that's one thing and I think you have the right to interfere. Otherwise I think it's inappropriate that you tell him what he can and can't look at. Instead of trying to change your DH's desire to look at it perhaps you should work on your own insecurities instead.

ashdonne · August 2012

I think its a great plan to discuss this further with your husband in regards to the fact that it is an issue to you and therefore an issue for you guys.

DH and I have watched porn together before and personally don't feel like its a big deal but he really isn't super into it or anything---maybe it would bother me if he were, I'm not sure. Same way with strip clubs---DH honestly could care less but if the boys are going for a bachelor party he will go and I have no problem with it whatsoever. For me even though I may not have a perfect body, I'm not threatened by someone who picks up their money off the floor...

Stategrl21 · August 2012

KC_13:
This probably isn't going to be a popular answer but what the heck.nbsp;I think it's out of line that you requested that he not look at it. What he does with his private time is his business. Ifnbsp;he became addicted and it was interfering with his job/your relationship, that's one thing andnbsp;I think you have the right to interfere. Otherwise I think it's inappropriate that you tell him what he can and can't look at. Instead of trying tonbsp;change your DH's desire to look at itnbsp;perhaps you should work on your own insecurities instead.

What the hell?!? I'm pretty sure when they got married what he does in his private time did become her business. Otherwise it would be ok for him to see other women in his personal private time as long as it doesn't impact his relationship with her. That's the most ridiculous advice I've ever heard.

Samycakes · August 2012

ashdonne:
I think its a great plan to discuss this further with your husband in regards to the fact that it is an issue to you and therefore an issue for you guys.

DH and I have watched porn together before and personally don't feel like its a big deal but he really isn't super into it or anything---maybe it would bother me if he were, I'm not sure. Same way with strip clubs---DH honestly could care less but if the boys are going for a bachelor party he will go and I have no problem with it whatsoever. For me even though I may not have a perfect body, I'm not threatened by someone who picks up their money off the floor...

lol I like that last line. Definitely puts things into perspective!

kcisthebombdotcom · August 2012

Stategrl21:
KC_13:
This probably isn't going to be a popular answer but what the heck.nbsp;I think it's out of line that you requested that he not look at it. What he does with his private time is his business. Ifnbsp;he became addicted and it was interfering with his job/your relationship, that's one thing andnbsp;I think you have the right to interfere. Otherwise I think it's inappropriate that you tell him what he can and can't look at. Instead of trying tonbsp;change your DH's desire to look at itnbsp;perhaps you should work on your own insecurities instead.
What the hell?!? I'm pretty sure when they got married what he does in his private time did become her business. Otherwise it would be ok for him to see other women in his personal private time as long as it doesn't impact his relationship with her. That's the most ridiculous advice I've ever heard.

Are you really drawing a comparison between cheating and masturbating to porn? Infidelity would negatively effect a relationship no matter what.

What if my DH said that he felt uncomfortable by me working because I could be flirting and checking out other guys at my job? Would we all agree I should go ahead and stop working because my DH was bothered by it?

Samycakes · August 2012

Stategrl21:
KC_13:
This probably isn't going to be a popular answer but what the heck.nbsp;I think it's out of line that you requested that he not look at it. What he does with his private time is his business. Ifnbsp;he became addicted and it was interfering with his job/your relationship, that's one thing andnbsp;I think you have the right to interfere. Otherwise I think it's inappropriate that you tell him what he can and can't look at. Instead of trying tonbsp;change your DH's desire to look at itnbsp;perhaps you should work on your own insecurities instead.
What the hell?!? I'm pretty sure when they got married what he does in his private time did become her business. Otherwise it would be ok for him to see other women in his personal private time as long as it doesn't impact his relationship with her. That's the most ridiculous advice I've ever heard.

I can understand what KC is saying, however... I'm going to have to go with State with this one. I didn't demand for him not to watch it. I've stated to him before that I'm not comfortable with him watching. Never once did I say, "Don't do it." Knowing how I felt and he still continued shows a lack of respect for me... his wife.

kcisthebombdotcom · August 2012

Samycakes:

Stategrl21:
KC_13:
This probably isn't going to be a popular answer but what the heck.nbsp;I think it's out of line that you requested that he not look at it. What he does with his private time is his business. Ifnbsp;he became addicted and it was interfering with his job/your relationship, that's one thing andnbsp;I think you have the right to interfere. Otherwise I think it's inappropriate that you tell him what he can and can't look at. Instead of trying tonbsp;change your DH's desire to look at itnbsp;perhaps you should work on your own insecurities instead.
What the hell?!? I'm pretty sure when they got married what he does in his private time did become her business. Otherwise it would be ok for him to see other women in his personal private time as long as it doesn't impact his relationship with her. That's the most ridiculous advice I've ever heard.

I can understand what KC is saying, however... I'm going to have to go with State with this one. I didn't demand for him not to watch it. I've stated to him before that I'm not comfortable with him watching. Never once did I say, "Don't do it." Knowing how I felt and he still continued shows a lack of respect for me... his wife.

I don't think it shows a lack of respect for you at all. Just because something bothers you doesn't mean he should never do it again. I work with some good looking guys. I'm sure my DH is bothered by it to an extent. Does that mean since he's bothered I should stop working or otherwise I'm disrespecting my DH?

ashdonne · August 2012

Samycakes:
ashdonne:

I think its a great plan to discuss this further with your husband in regards to the fact that it is an issue to you and therefore an issue for you guys.

DH and I have watched porn together before and personally don't feel like its a big deal but he really isn't super into it or anything---maybe it would bother me if he were, I'm not sure. Same way with strip clubs---DH honestly could care less but if the boys are going for a bachelor party he will go and I have no problem with it whatsoever. For me even though I may not have a perfect body, I'm not threatened by someone who picks up their money off the floor...

lol I like that last line. Definitely puts things into perspective!

Wink Its so true though I think.....there are many more attractive qualities about you than just your body. I think if more women realized and were celebrated for these qualities as well we'd all be much more happy and secure.

Samycakes · August 2012

KC_13:
Samycakes:

Stategrl21:
KC_13:
This probably isn't going to be a popular answer but what the heck.nbsp;I think it's out of line that you requested that he not look at it. What he does with his private time is his business. Ifnbsp;he became addicted and it was interfering with his job/your relationship, that's one thing andnbsp;I think you have the right to interfere. Otherwise I think it's inappropriate that you tell him what he can and can't look at. Instead of trying tonbsp;change your DH's desire to look at itnbsp;perhaps you should work on your own insecurities instead.
What the hell?!? I'm pretty sure when they got married what he does in his private time did become her business. Otherwise it would be ok for him to see other women in his personal private time as long as it doesn't impact his relationship with her. That's the most ridiculous advice I've ever heard.

I can understand what KC is saying, however... I'm going to have to go with State with this one. I didn't demand for him not to watch it. I've stated to him before that I'm not comfortable with him watching. Never once did I say, "Don't do it." Knowing how I felt and he still continued shows a lack of respect for me... his wife.

I don't think it shows a lack of respect for you at all. Just because something bothers you doesn't mean he should never do it again. I work with some good looking guys. I'm sure my DH is bothered by it to an extent. Does that mean since he's bothered I should stop working or otherwise I'm disrespecting my DH?

Okay... I see where you're coming from. So, lets play devils advocate here. Using your same logic, if you're DH went out every night to drink, hang with the boys, etc and you didn't like it, should he stop? Remember, It would be during his own private time.

I expect my husband to honor me. As I do him. Telling him that I'm not comfortable with something doesn't make me the bad guy. I understand completely that you're comfortable with porn. And I give you much kuddo's for that. I wish that I could be more like that, but at this point in my relationship... I'm not. I guess we'll agree to disagree.

Samycakes · August 2012

ashdonne:
Samycakes:
ashdonne:

I think its a great plan to discuss this further with your husband in regards to the fact that it is an issue to you and therefore an issue for you guys.

DH and I have watched porn together before and personally don't feel like its a big deal but he really isn't super into it or anything---maybe it would bother me if he were, I'm not sure. Same way with strip clubs---DH honestly could care less but if the boys are going for a bachelor party he will go and I have no problem with it whatsoever. For me even though I may not have a perfect body, I'm not threatened by someone who picks up their money off the floor...

lol I like that last line. Definitely puts things into perspective!

Its so true though I think.....there are many more attractive qualities about you than just your body. I think if more women realized and were celebrated for these qualities as well we'd all be much more happy and secure.

I like that Ash...

kcisthebombdotcom · August 2012

Samycakes:
KC_13:
Samycakes:

Stategrl21:
KC_13:
This probably isn't going to be a popular answer but what the heck.nbsp;I think it's out of line that you requested that he not look at it. What he does with his private time is his business. Ifnbsp;he became addicted and it was interfering with his job/your relationship, that's one thing andnbsp;I think you have the right to interfere. Otherwise I think it's inappropriate that you tell him what he can and can't look at. Instead of trying tonbsp;change your DH's desire to look at itnbsp;perhaps you should work on your own insecurities instead.
What the hell?!? I'm pretty sure when they got married what he does in his private time did become her business. Otherwise it would be ok for him to see other women in his personal private time as long as it doesn't impact his relationship with her. That's the most ridiculous advice I've ever heard.

I can understand what KC is saying, however... I'm going to have to go with State with this one. I didn't demand for him not to watch it. I've stated to him before that I'm not comfortable with him watching. Never once did I say, "Don't do it." Knowing how I felt and he still continued shows a lack of respect for me... his wife.

I don't think it shows a lack of respect for you at all. Just because something bothers you doesn't mean he should never do it again. I work with some good looking guys. I'm sure my DH is bothered by it to an extent. Does that mean since he's bothered I should stop working or otherwise I'm disrespecting my DH?

Okay... I see where you're coming from. So, lets play devils advocate here. Using your same logic, if you're DH went out every night to drink, hang with the boys, etc and you didn't like it, should he stop? Remember, It would be during his own private time.

I expect my husband to honor me. As I do him. Telling him that I'm not comfortable with something doesn't make me the bad guy. I understand completely that you're comfortable with porn. And I give you much kuddo's for that. I wish that I could be more like that, but at this point in my relationship... I'm not. I guess we'll agree to disagree.

You're really comparing apples to oranges. If my DH went out every night with his friends he couldn't possibly fulfill the obligations he has to our marriage/our family. That's different than having personal, private time when he jerks it.

It has nothing to do with my comfort level with porn. I just don't like the idea of controlling my husband or having some expectation that my DH shouldn't look at porn just when I'm feeling insecure about my body. I think it's unfair.

Excitedtostart · August 2012

1. I have nothing against porn, and personally MH and I watch it together from time to time. So it wouldn't bother me in the least. I recommend the Pirates movies. Very enjoyable.

2. Assuming this isn't an issue of addiction, or he's leaving it out, all over the place, choosing porn over time with you.... I agree that it's his private time thing. Do you read romance novels? Those are pretty porny in a non-visual way. I mean, paragraphs dedicated to describing his throbbing tumescence and the way the stable boy took poor Vera in the garden... they're not far off from one another.

3. Overall, if MH & I discussed something that he did and I was uncomfortable with, and we came to an agreement about the boundaries of said issue, and he didn't obey/respect/follow what we had agreed on, I have a problem with that. But the problem isn't with the porn, it's with us agreeing to something and him not following the agreement.

4. Porn isn't cheating. It's not. Are you cheating every time you look at a Hollister ad? Or watch CSI Miami because you think the actors are cute? Hell, watching the Olympics this summer satisfied some daydreams for me. Did you see those divers/swimmers/water polo players/name your sport here? Mmmmm. Yeah.

Cheating is texting, emailing, calling, seeing, dating, kissing, touching, having sex with. And to that effect, you can cheat and never touch. YKWIM?

5. I'm not slamming you, but I seriously never got the indignation with the porn industry. But i it's something you're not comfortable with, talk about it. I don't think that means you can say "I'm not comfortable with this, therefore you have to give it up". Because that's not compromise. And marriage is a lot of compromise.

6. This is all assuming that he isn't watching kiddie porn. Because that's not porn, that's enjoying sexual abuse and assault. And THAT is something that needs more than a message board. But again, I'm pretty sure he's getting his jollies off of some version of Buxom Blondes take Boston, etc.

7. If you're offended by what specific acts are portrayed in the porn, like threesomes or foresomes, or anal sex, it doesn't mean your H wants those things. It's just hitting the right spot in his brain at that moment. So don't worry that because he was watching Allys Anal Action he expects you to do the same.

8. Talk about it. I don't know that you can ask a partner in a marriage to not look at porn from time to time. It's like saying you can't masturbate. I hope you're not saying that too. If he wants to watch/view/read porn, and you can't stand it, then agree to disagree and request that he keep it away from you.

With baby · August 2012

nope my husband doesnt watch it, and im glad he doesnt. I have alot more respect for people who dont.

cowgirltu · August 2012

Have you ever tried watching porn with your husband? Maybe find out why he likes to watch it sometimes? My DH and I watch it together from time to time. Sometimes, we even have naughty audiobooks we found on iTunes that we might listen to while we fool around. ETS hits several points right on the head. His fantasizing about a porn actress is no different from you fantasizing about whatever male actor you see on tv or in the movies. Have you tried having an open and honest conversation with him about it? Or have you just demanded that he give it up? You say he isnt being fair to you, but are you being fair to him? ETS is also correct in that Pirates is an excellent porn. My H usually lets me pick out whatever I want when we do watch. I prefer stuff with a story line of some sort, rather than straight screwing like most porns aimed at men. YouPorn is also a great place to see different types of porn, for free.

Samycakes · August 2012

Excitedtostart:
1. I have nothing against porn, and personally MH and I watch it together from time to time. So it wouldn't bother me in the least. I recommend the Pirates movies. Very enjoyable.

2. Assuming this isn't an issue of addiction, or he's leaving it out, all over the place, choosing porn over time with you.... I agree that it's his private time thing. Do you read romance novels? Those are pretty porny in a non-visual way. I mean, paragraphs dedicated to describing his throbbing tumescence and the way the stable boy took poor Vera in the garden... they're not far off from one another.

3. Overall, if MH & I discussed something that he did and I was uncomfortable with, and we came to an agreement about the boundaries of said issue, and he didn't obey/respect/follow what we had agreed on, I have a problem with that. But the problem isn't with the porn, it's with us agreeing to something and him not following the agreement.

4. Porn isn't cheating. It's not. Are you cheating every time you look at a Hollister ad? Or watch CSI Miami because you think the actors are cute? Hell, watching the Olympics this summer satisfied some daydreams for me. Did you see those divers/swimmers/water polo players/name your sport here? Mmmmm. Yeah.
Cheating is texting, emailing, calling, seeing, dating, kissing, touching, having sex with. And to that effect, you can cheat and never touch. YKWIM?

5. I'm not slamming you, but I seriously never got the indignation with the porn industry. But i it's something you're not comfortable with, talk about it. I don't think that means you can say "I'm not comfortable with this, therefore you have to give it up". Because that's not compromise. And marriage is a lot of compromise.

6. This is all assuming that he isn't watching kiddie porn. Because that's not porn, that's enjoying sexual abuse and assault. And THAT is something that needs more than a message board. But again, I'm pretty sure he's getting his jollies off of some version of Buxom Blondes take Boston, etc.

7. If you're offended by what specific acts are portrayed in the porn, like threesomes or foresomes, or anal sex, it doesn't mean your H wants those things. It's just hitting the right spot in his brain at that moment. So don't worry that because he was watching Allys Anal Action he expects you to do the same.

8. Talk about it. I don't know that you can ask a partner in a marriage to not look at porn from time to time. It's like saying you can't masturbate. I hope you're not saying that too. If he wants to watch/view/read porn, and you can't stand it, then agree to disagree and request that he keep it away from you.

First, thank you so much for taking the time to write all of that. You're a complete stranger, and yet you reached out. I appreciate that.

All of you guys have helped. I needed to talk to someone, and even though we disagreed some, it was helpful to get different points of views. I'll take some of these things under advisement. Again, thank you. Smile

tiffanyandjason2012 · August 2012

I had issues with this when we first started dating and I told him about it. He did stop but I assume he still does every now and then. But it didnt interfere with anything and if he does now were married and I feel secure about myself enough to not care! If he is just watching it and not acting upon anything then I'm fine!!!
Count your blessings. If he like to ask him to either watch it when your not around or maybe watch it together once and if your not interested maybe then he might understand. But good luck

angelamaster1986 · August 2012

Im stumbling upon this post as Im from TTTC and decided to venture out of boredom.

I agree with PP about the fact that there are 2 issues here and both are important. I dealt with this in my previous relationship so I feel for you. I am uncomfortable with my SO watching porn. Everyone has their own reasons but its the reason that needs to be communicated between you two. If you feel unattractive since having your beautiful baby, you need to let him know you need him to address this with you. If you get past this, you may not feel so insecure about the porn. I would also suggest as PP also did that when your insecurities are being addressed, you two should try watch one together and you can pick it out..

The other issue that you opened up to him and expressed your uncomfortableness and asked him to stop needs to be addressed. Even if its some kind of compromise, I would hope he could understand and respect your feelings even if it doesnt have to do with porn.

GL to you and communication & an open mind is key!

anssett · August 2012

Fun thread.

A lot of women have no emotional reaction to their SOs watching porn. A lot have HUGE reactions. I think the most important thing is to communicate with your SO. Asking about why porn is part of his life. Asking about how/if he relates those women to his expectations of you. Asking how he feels about you, your body, you being sexy, etc. These are the common things going on in a girls brain when she is upset/freaked/jealous about porn. If you come to the relationship with previous abuse in your past it's will probably be a very different type of compromise than if it's just insecurity. Therapy can be a very appropriate aid if you are really struggling. Since there's such a range of reasons and reactions to this there isn't a single answer.

If your mind wanders into a fantasy about another guy while having sex with your husband do you think that's cheating? Does he? If that's NEVER happened I'll be surprised; it's not so different from porn. Something to think about. Good luck with the discussions and growth together to find a happier balance.

NerdyMama2 · August 2012

Mine doesn't, but if he did it wouldn't bother me.

MsCraftsy · August 2012

With baby:
nope my husband doesnt watch it, and im glad he doesnt. I have alot more respect for people who dont.

Seriously? I'm side eying the sh!t out of you. You think less of people because they watch porn? Get over yourself.

Eta :Back to the op,

I think since coming back to this thread I would like to recant my prior statement. I thought you agreed and he broke his word. If you two agreed to not watch porn then I could see your frustration. If you told him you were uncomfortable with his porn watching but left it at that, what happened after that conversation?

did he try change anything about it? Watching a more realistic / armature porn to reflect real women? Did he decrease how many times he looked at it? Did he omit certain sexual acts?

If he did any of those things but the "demand to stop watching it was never made" (and IMO shouldn't be given, that's not really something you can demand and can actually build more tension and resentment in a relationship) then he made a step to try and increase your comfort level.

Ultimately, ETS put it perfectly.

Mrsbuttercup0806 · August 2012

Many to most men do watch porn at some point. I personally don't like it but that is MY problem, and I do have my own personal reasons for it. The main question is: Is he choosing porn over sex with you? Is the porn interfering with other areas of his life? And what are you willing to give up/restrict if he gives up/restricts the porn?

kbcastle · August 2012

Clearly this is an issue that bothers you. It would bother me, too. Just because other women have changed their perspectives on this to align with what culture shoves down our throats (take that however you will) doesn't make something OK.

Porn can be (note that I said "CAN be") extremely destructive to relationships, and an extremely unhealthy addiction. It can also lead to much greater problems, infidelity, mistrust, etc.

If you're feeling like you and your husband need help, get it. Don't beat yourself up because you're not "accepting" enough of him ? he signed on to a committed relationship with you, and you feel he's breaking that intimacy. Yes, have grace for him. Yes, acknowledge his needs. (And I hope this goes without saying, but it's not fair when women refuse to have sex with their men and then wonder why they turn to other things...so check yourself in that area too before confronting him again.)

Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself! Trust your instincts here.

ASmallWonder · August 2012

anssett:

Fun thread.

A lot of women have no emotional reaction to their SOs watching porn. A lot have HUGE reactions. I think the most important thing is to communicate with your SO. Asking about why porn is part of his life. Asking about how/if he relates those women to his expectations of you. Asking how he feels about you, your body, you being sexy, etc. These are the common things going on in a girls brain when she is upset/freaked/jealous about porn. If you come to the relationship with previous abuse in your past it's will probably be a very different type of compromise than if it's just insecurity. Therapy can be a very appropriate aid if you are really struggling. Since there's such a range of reasons and reactions to this there isn't a single answer.

If your mind wanders into a fantasy about another guy while having sex with your husband do you think that's cheating? Does he? If that's NEVER happened I'll be surprised; it's not so different from porn. Something to think about. Good luck with the discussions and growth together to find a happier balance.

This is kind of where my head is with the whole porn thing. If it isn't interfering with him wanting to have sex with you (the general you), no biggie because if you're being honest, you know his mind can conjure up a "story line" as good as, if not better than, any porn he can watch. You can't stop their imagination so how different is it really for him to watch his fantasy on the tv/computer vs in his head, kwim?

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