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Tough Love?

Jmollo28Jmollo28 member
in School-Aged Children

I have a SD 10 years old and she lives with us consistantly, her mother only speaks to her by phone (she abandoned her for 5 years and just now they are reconnecting by phone)

Yesterday my husband said he dropped her off at school and he saw some girls "messing" with her, like they were fooling around with her and walking in front of her etc.  The girl that is picking on her is a close friend to the family, so if we wanted to.. we could call her dad and tell him what is happening.

My husband wants to go to the principal, but I say that she needs to learn to fight her own battles.  School aged children are in a tough spot - they are learning the ins and outs of a miniature society and I told my husband that unfortunately, women pick on other women.  We shouldnt!!! but that is just what happens. As a girl, I was constantly picked on, but I also picked on other girls.  It's some sort of teritorial thing ? I don't know!  Either way, I told my husband that I think SD should learn to fight her battles and if we see that it is causing her emotional distraut, then we step in.

 Am I wrong for wanting to teach my child to defend herself?

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Re: Tough Love?

  • neverblushedneverblushed member

    I disagree with the blanket statement "women pick on other women" and with the idea that a 10 y/o just has to accept "that is just what happens."  You were caught up in that cycle as a child, but that's not an ideal way to relate to other children (be they girls or boys) and it's not something you have to take for granted in your SD's social life.  Trust me when I say that not ALL women and girls do that. You have an opportunity to help her break out of that cycle by having higher expectations for her and by helping her to have higher expectations for her friends.  

    However, I agree that swooping in and fighting her battles for her is also not the answer. 

    Since her dad actually saw the incident, he should probably talk to her and see what her perspective is on what he saw.  Maybe they were just joking around, and what he saw was harmless goofiness.  Or maybe your daughter is being subtly picked on by a group of girls.  As you noted, there are SOME girls out there who treat each other that way.  

    If she feels like they were being mean, she needs to be encouraged to deal with it assertively.  She needs to know that she doesn't have to deal with being teased or picked on, and that good friends won't treat her that way.  She needs to practice saying something like, "Susie, what you're doing is mean and I don't like it."  She needs to know that if Susie continues to be mean, that she can walk away from it.  She needs to know that there are plenty of other girls out there to be friends with who don't constantly try to be mean, and that if she's bothered by it, you will help her find some other girls to hang out with who are nicer.

    Most importantly, she needs to know that if she stands up for herself and things get ugly, she can rely on her dad and you to help her deal with it.  Knowing that you will support her will help her have the confidence to stand up for herself or to find new friends if she's in with a crowd of mean girls.

    High School English teacher and mom of 2 kids:

    DD, born 9/06/00 -- 12th grade
    DS, born 8/25/04 -- 7th grade
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  • notkateanymorenotkateanymore member

    You can teach your child to defend herself without letting somebody bully her. My daughter was tortured by a child for half of the year last year {the only part of the year we were at her current school} and it really did a number on her self esteem. I worked with her on defending herself and letting it not get to her, but the child kept on and kept on, so talking with this girl's mom and with the principal were the only things that worked. 

    School isn't Fight Club...your SD shouldn't have to take the bullying to toughen herself up.  

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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member

    I agree if the Dad saw the incident that he should talk to SD and find out her perspective on it...  From there if action needs to be taken, talk to the parents since you're friends and see where things go.  If that doesn't resolve things, then bring in the school.  If it wasn't for the fact that you're friends with the parents, I would say go straight to the school, but rarely does that solve anything anyway. 

    Yes, maybe work on some skills but teaching her how to "fight" physically is going to do nothing other than get your SD expelled. 

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