Anyone else nervous about how DH will handle birth?

emasters · August 2012

MH is a very smart guy, and I respect him very much. However, I am having concerns about how he will handle labor and the birth of our first child. He hasn't done much to prepare, besides our childbirth classes, and I am just worried he won't provide the support and patience during labor.

Don't flame me, I am not complaining/b!tching about him.

Did any STMs have concerns about their husbands "handling it" prior to labor?

stella_blu · August 2012

I was worried about DH when I had DD. He gets a little squeamish. He ended up doing a fantastic job and we were definitely closer after going through childbirth together. There were a couple of times that I got frustrated with him (he was sleeping lol) but most of that was just hormonal on my part. They really do an amazing job and it is pretty awesome to be together during that time.

Jams1002 · August 2012

FTM here, but I am a bit nervous that DH will WANT to help but won't know quite what to do exactly. I'm a bit concerned that he'll be relying on me to tell him what to do, but I'll be too distracted trying to have a baby to tell him. I'm really hoping the MW will be able to help in this area a bit by making suggestions. Unfortunately, we couldn't hire a doula to assist.

I bet your DH will surprise you. Especially if you have done the childbirth classes, that's a great start. Can't hurt to have an open discussion about it.

cmiller0623 · August 2012

I'm not too worried about how he'll handle it, mainly because he has already been through it before. When we found out I was pregnant, I told him exactly what I wanted during labor/delivery, for example I want him with me as much as possible, but if he needs a break (during labor) let me know. He's been very good this whole pregnancy so I'm not too concerned. Just tell your H what you need/want from him ahead of time so he's not suprised when the time comes.

cmiller0623 · August 2012

Jreidknox:
I'm not nervous about him fainting or anything...but I am nervous that if he decides he "wants to watch" rather than just stay up by my head, he will never be able to un-see what he has seen and may view my vagina as a "danger zone."

that totally made me think of top gun lol

on a serious note, i read an article about this and the wife said something to the effect of "if you look down there your never going back!" and the dr said "ive never known that to be a problem"

he knows thats going to happen but i totally see your POV i dont want him looking either, i dont even want to look. but if he does it should be alright in the end.

sweetsybe · August 2012

I am a bit nervous so I packed a list of partner support techniques in the hospital bag so if he's in a pinch that can help him. I also packed a list of things that he can say to encourage me just in case he has a deer in the headlights moment. I think he'll do fine and probably won't need those, but it put my mind at ease.

mamaHippo23 · August 2012

Yes, very worried! I feel like he still has no idea what he's getting himself into. All the childbirth classes in our area are at least $100 so we couldn't afford to go. We both have been reading books to find out as much as we can, but whenever we talk about it his responses seem pretty naive. I can't tell if he's joking or really that clueless. Oh well. At least I'm insisting my mom be there so I'll have her if things aren't going very smoothly.

Manx4 · August 2012

No, he was a champ. I was induced and it was a long & drawn out process - 25+ hours total. He very rarely left my side, always made sure I had anything I needed, was looking out for my needs at all times. Telling me I was doing great, how proud he was of me, how much he loved me...

He's a fantastic husband and I know he loves me but this was so different, he was very "protective" and it was one of the very few times I've ever seen him cry. (When DS was born he was all tears)

I think some husbands will surprise you at how much they can handle.

UpstateEMTMommy · August 2012

I wasn't nervous until we were talking about the appointment that we're going to later today and he was told that they may have to strip my membranes. I had to tell him that this could potentially be painful and a friend said that it was worse than any of her contractions. He got very nervous and said he couldn't just sit there and watch someone hurt me like that (he's a marine vet who's very protective). And then while he is usually my emotional rock and never worries, 3 weeks ago when we were in a major car accident and I started screaming, he nearly flipped out because he was scared something happened to me and the baby. Just makes me wonder how he's going to handle me being in pain and seeing me get the epi and etc. He also smokes (he's trying to quit) and I'm nervous it's going to kick up his nerves even though he has promised me he won't leave the L&D room to smoke. So we shall see... this is both of our first so hopefully he'll surprise me and keep calm and collected.

mrs.kapow · August 2012

LoveLossHopeRepeat:
To be honest, I don't think there's a lot either of you *can* do to prepare. This is an entirely new situation for both of you and there's no telling how anyone is going to handle it until they're thrust into it.
If these concerns are really weighing on you, you may want to talk to him in a non-accusatory manner about it all, and bear some of the "burden" yourself, saying that you don't know how either of you are going to react, you worry about either of you losing your patience and getting frustrated, being emotional, etc. Again, it can't thwart potential issues, but talking things through may help you feel a bit more at ease.

Took the words out of my mouth.

MH is always the calm, collected one, so I wasn't really too concerned about him handling things, but I also gave him "jobs" if you will. I explained various massage techniques (that I ended up telling him hands-off during labor) and we agreed on how we would handle medication, etc. so he could be my enforcer if I needed it.

I think that did help him feel like he had a real role in the whole process.

dorrisk1 · August 2012

My DH has a tendency to talk A LOT when he gets nervous, and say innapropriate things... so yes, I am worried about how he will handle it! I have talked to him and told him that this is a very important moment, and my hormones will be going crazy... so it would be best for him to support me and keep his mouth shut! HA.

hunter91011 · August 2012

I am a FTM, and I am also concerned with how DH is going to handle it. During our childbirth class they showed a birth video and DH said he was nauseous, and had to excuse himself. He asked me to make him a list of things I want him to do for me during labor, because he thinks I won't be able to communicate clearly with him during labor (when we went running pre pregnancy I would get irritated with him trying to encourage me and what not). I am having trouble making him a list though because I have never done this, and I don't know what I am going to want him to do to make me feel better. I told him to please just be patient with me, and to try the things we went over during our childbirth classes.

sugarsnap73 · August 2012

LoveLossHopeRepeat:

To be honest, I don't think there's a lot either of you *can* do to prepare. This is an entirely new situation for both of you and there's no telling how anyone is going to handle it until they're thrust into it.

If these concerns are really weighing on you, you may want to talk to him in a non-accusatory manner about it all, and bear some of the "burden" yourself, saying that you don't know how either of you are going to react, you worry about either of you losing your patience and getting frustrated, being emotional, etc. Again, it can't thwart potential issues, but talking things through may help you feel a bit more at ease.

Try to give him the benefit of the doubt and hope for the best. Remember that there will be medical personnel in and out who will be there as well, and if it looks like he needs a moment to step away, try to rely on a nurse for a few and allow him to take a break. It's going to be hard for you, but it's also understandable if it's hard for him. In my husband's case it was really hard for him to see me in so much pain and to be utterly unable to do anything about it. They love us, they don't like to see us like that, and they're bound to worry.

And remember that even if you *do* lose patience with one another, that will all get washed away in the glow of finally meeting your child. Don't hold grudges and it'll all be fine in the end.

Perfect response and I couldn't agree more!

MrsAB1316 · August 2012

cmiller0623:
on a serious note, i read an article about this and the wife said something to the effect of "if you look down there your never going back!" and the dr said "ive never known that to be a problem"

LOL...this reminds me of the scene in "All Dogs Go To Heaven" "you can never come back!!!!" lol... Sorry.

OP, I totally feel your concerns. We haven't taken ANY classes and DH hasn't read up on anything. He's also kind of aloof about this whole pregnancy thing. His mindset is that dads are usually not checked in until after the birth. It makes me worry about how he'll handle things as well and whether or not he'll be the support I'll need. BUT, as men usually do, I have a feeling they'll totally surprise us when it comes down to it. At least that's what I'm telling myself. lol... I'm sure that things will be just fine with you two during labor.

jade7kb · August 2012

Jreidknox:
I'm not nervous about him fainting or anything...but I am nervous that if he decides he "wants to watch" rather than just stay up by my head, he will never be able to un-see what he has seen and may view my vagina as a "danger zone."

LOL! When we had out first my husband slept thru a lot of it, however I was in labor overnight, they induced me at 9:00 PM so I was kinda pissed but at the same time I understood. He was awake for the birth and he did watch her come out. He said it was "like a train wreck, couldn't look away". My mom even got pictures of her coming out... So there's that.. haha. He got over it but he will never forget it that's for sure! They usually see the discomfort/pain you're in and react well to it. We never took childbirth classes, they just kind of go into "support" mode and hold your hand and talk you thru it. That's what mine did anyway.

MarisaKathleen · August 2012

My DH shared with me on Friday that he's really nervous about being a Dad because he had such a rough childhood with his own Dad. My DH was really close with my Dad and is still having a hard time with his passing, so he's having a hard time with dealing with impending fatherhood.

Being nervous about the birth never even crossed my mind. That's hopefully only 1 day--if he gets overwhelmed, he can step out. I expect that it'll be hard for both of us, but I'm not worried about him being supportive or anything like that. It's the adjusting to being a parent that's worrying us.

melody921 · August 2012

Jreidknox:
I'm not nervous about him fainting or anything...but I am nervous that if he decides he "wants to watch" rather than just stay up by my head, he will never be able to un-see what he has seen and may view my vagina as a "danger zone."

I think men generally get over what they see. DH watched it all and certainly wasn't deterred afterward.

jenndub · August 2012

My ex's family was tailgating in the hospital parking lot when I had DD. I'm serious, they brought an RV and barbequed and did tequila shots and watched movies. My ex went out there for lunch and came back drunk. So he slept through most of my labor and they woke him up when it was time to push. I was so focused on labor that I didn't even care. And when our daughter was born I was so happy that I wasn't mad at him for it. Until a week later.

So even though this is my husband's first time having a baby I feel pretty certain that he'll be a better labor partner than my ex.

klgrh6 · August 2012

I'm super nervous. DH isn't good under pressure, he's the silly guy that's always trying to get a laugh out of the room. And I know that's not what I'll need during labor. We've discussed it and he knows that he has to tone it down a bit. I'm afraid that I will need him to be assertive and take control but it's not really his thing. I'm hoping that he'll surprise me with his behavior. I know he'll be emotional since the past few weeks he's definitely become mushy and is so excited to meet our LO.

sweetiebird726 · August 2012

My DH actually is not nervous about the birth itself in a way, he just hates hospitals. He has a lot of anxiety about hospitals since his younger brother was ill for a very long time when they were kids with a brain tumor. DH had to sit in the hospital waiting room several times while the drs told his family that his brother likely wouldn't make it through surgery. Thankfully they were wrong each time and his brother is doing fine now, but it left a lasting impression on my DH.

DH has shared these anxieties with me about being in the hospital and feeling helpless again while I'm in labor and in pain. It's something we have talked about a lot, and I know he wouldn't miss the birth for the world. My mom is planning on at least being in the waiting room while I am pushing, so if DH/I need some extra support, she is right there. She's also a former newborn nursery RN with a bit of L&D experience, which is a bonus for us.

I think DH will be able to handle the birth itself just fine, it's if there are any complications that he gets nervous about. DH is planning on staying with me/LO the entire time, but if something unexpected comes up and he/I starts feeling overwhelmed, my mom will come in as a second support for both of us.

jayja2007 · August 2012

cmiller0623:
Jreidknox:
I'm not nervous about him fainting or anything...but I am nervous that if he decides he "wants to watch" rather than just stay up by my head, he will never be able to un-see what he has seen and may view my vagina as a "danger zone."

that totally made me think of top gun lol

on a serious note, i read an article about this and the wife said something to the effect of "if you look down there your never going back!" and the dr said "ive never known that to be a problem"

he knows thats going to happen but i totally see your POV i dont want him looking either, i dont even want to look. but if he does it should be alright in the end.

DH says that all the time but from the cartoon Archer on FX. He bought some body wash bc it said danger zone haha.

chrissymazer · August 2012

When we had DS in 2010 I think we were both equally nervous about it. The birthing classes we took did the opposite of calm reassurance and instead made us more and more uneasy.

Truthfully I'm more worried about how I'm going to handle it this time. After a HORRIBLE emergency c-sec with DS I am terrified of my RCS next month. DH though was my rock through the whole thing and I just know he will be again this time. I don't know where he found that strength but I told him to pack it in the hospital bag along with his sweats. haha

Flamingemu · August 2012

Jreidknox:
I'm not nervous about him fainting or anything...but I am nervous that if he decides he "wants to watch" rather than just stay up by my head, he will never be able to un-see what he has seen and may view my vagina as a "danger zone."

This is actually my DH's view. He thinks he will never view things the same, but I am not worried about him. He is much stronger and more supportive than he thinks he is so I don't have any worries about him.

OceanLover26 · August 2012

No, I didn't have any worries. But in the last weeks of the pregnancy he would get nervous, and we would bicker over small stuff more often during that time. Its funny that I can see that NOW but not then when it was happening. For instance, right now he keeps stressing over little things like where kitchen utensils go. Indifferent

I think that's his version of "nesting". lol Don't worry, I'm sure when its time comes he will surprise you and it will be a wonderful experience for you both.

Krista123105 · August 2012

I was a little worried about how DH would handle DS' birth, but he was a rockstar the entire time, through all my complications. I'm sure your DH will be great.

MrsAB1316 · August 2012

OceanLover26:
No, I didn't have any worries. But in the last weeks of the pregnancy he would get nervous, and we would bicker over small stuff more often during that time. Its funny that I can see that NOW but not then when it was happening. For instance, right now he keeps stressing over little things like where kitchen utensils go. I think that's his version of "nesting". lol Don't worry, I'm sure when its time comes he will surprise you and it will be a wonderful experience for you both.

Hmmm...I'm glad you said that. DH and I have been at each other's throats more often lately. I'm sure it's just the heightened hormones (on both our parts) but sometimes it makes me sad that we're fighting when we should be spending this time enjoying each other. It's good to know that other people went through that and it's probably just him getting nervous and showing it by being a pita...and I mean that in the most LOVING way possible. lol... He's a great guy, but not very good about sharing his emotions sometimes. And, I am way too comfortable sharing mine, so sometimes we clash a bit.

Eastie156 · August 2012

MrsAB1316:

OceanLover26:
No, I didn't have any worries. But in the last weeks of the pregnancy he would get nervous, and we would bicker over small stuff more often during that time. Its funny that I can see that NOW but not then when it was happening. For instance, right now he keeps stressing over little things like where kitchen utensils go. I think that's his version of "nesting". lol Don't worry, I'm sure when its time comes he will surprise you and it will be a wonderful experience for you both.

Hmmm...I'm glad you said that. DH and I have been at each other's throats more often lately. I'm sure it's just the heightened hormones (on both our parts) but sometimes it makes me sad that we're fighting when we should be spending this time enjoying each other. It's good to know that other people went through that and it's probably just him getting nervous and showing it by being a pita...and I mean that in the most LOVING way possible. lol... He's a great guy, but not very good about sharing his emotions sometimes. And, I am way too comfortable sharing mine, so sometimes we clash a bit.

This is totally us too. I love DH and would never post anything nasty on here about him, but I've noticed he and I have been bickering a bit more lately. I think he's super nervous about L&D as well and is trying to hide it. He says he's ready, but I'm sure there's a part of him that's wondering how he's going to do as well!

Eastie156 · August 2012

emasters:

MH is a very smart guy, and I respect him very much. However, I am having concerns about how he will handle labor and the birth of our first child. He hasn't done much to prepare, besides our childbirth classes, and I am just worried he won't provide the support and patience during labor.

Don't flame me, I am not complaining/b!tching about him.

Did any STMs have concerns about their husbands "handling it" prior to labor?

As usual, bringing up the rear with my 2 cents! Anyway, I think I'm a little worried about how he'll handle it, but I guess we'll get through it. I just hope that when I need him to be serious he will be. He's got a really great sense of humor and sometimes uses it too much. He'd probably say that I'm too serious and need to lighten up

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