When to have another child when the first is high needs/spirited

jaymiegerard · August 2012

Hello,

I mostly lurk, but thought I'd pose this to you ladies (and men?) since we seem to share a lot of the same values...

We have an almost 1 year old son and have recently been thinking about having another child. We both really want to have another, but are weighing our options in terms of when/how long to wait between. DS still doesn't sleep well, so there is a big part of us that says, "might as well get all of the non-sleep over with" and go for it sooner than later. (Of course that's not the only reason - we also plan to move in a few years and are close to our family now, and we feel emotionally ready.)

My major concern is the fact that DS is spirited. He's happy and healthy, but not always easy. I worry that if we have a baby too soon it will take away some of our much needed attention. I also don't want to force him into independence before he is ready.

So my questions are, how far apart are your kids? If you have two about 2 years apart, did you feel like your first was ok with the transition? I know that some kids have trouble when the new sibling arrives, no matter how old they are, but I'm wondering if, from your experience, it worked out great or not so great.

Any and all thoughts welcome Thanks!

sadsadie · August 2012

I'd say go ahead and try. The arrival of a new brother/sister isn't "forcing" independence on your son, and in fact, it might be good for him. You need to frame it as he will have a very special role as an older brother and will need to help introduce the baby to the world etc. I think if you frame it as a positive and make sure to still spend lots of time with him (including activities just for him) and make becoming a "big brother" exciting and enticing, he will be just fine. Kids are really resilient!

danienross · August 2012

My almost 2yr old is definitely spirited and I'm due shortly before her second birthday. Obviously I don't know what it's going to be like yet but I can definitely understand why you would be in such a debate. DD has really done so much maturing and developing over the course of my pregnancy (on her own as she has little understanding that we're having a baby) that it has put some of my worries to rest. My biggest concern (which probably doesn't apply to you) is that DH is deploying a month before I'm due and won't be here to help ease the transition.

If you feel ready, go for it. You'll be probably be amazed at how different your almost two year old is from the little one you have now.

Still free to be me · August 2012

My older DD is pretty spirited...Her sleep has been a challenge since she was about six months old and she had a really tough time being separated from me (even if she was being left with DH or my mom, who sees her almost every day.) Originally, DH and I were planning on TTC #2 when #1 was a year old. However, we decided to wait a little longer, so she would be a bit older. We started TTC just after DD turned two and DD2 was born a month before DD1 turned 3. It has been a pretty tough adjustment, but we are getting through it. DD1's sleep regressed and some of her behavior has, as well. I'm really glad that we waited, because I would have had a hard time managing a newborn and DD1 as a two year old.

sbartschke · August 2012

I was exactly the same before we started TTC. DS is high needs and always has been. When we started "not preventing" he was still not STTN and I was pretty worried about how I would manage being up dealing with 2 kids. In the last couple months DS has done so much better. He is almost always STTN, he is starting to get more independent with play time, he is starting to comunicate more and listen better. DS and DD will be a little under 22 months apart and I am really glad we TTC when we did.

SortaCrunchy · August 2012

My two will be just about 3.5 yrs apart, and I think it'll work well. I know I couldn't handle having 2 babies at once, and I really don't think my DS would've handled the transition well AT ALL if we had conceived much earlier. Just a year ago, he would freak and actually attempt to hit me and/or the baby if I was holding someone else's LO. He recently matured so much and is really looking forward to having a little sister. He loves babies now and gravitates to them almost more than to kids his own age. It'll still be an adjustment, of course, but I think it'll go much more smoothly than if we had tried this a year or more ago.

The downside is that he doesn't have a playmate at home. It would have been nice for us to have had a baby when DS was 2 or so so that by now they would be starting to have some fun together. I suppose there really is no perfect time!

PayolaCrayola · August 2012

danienross:

My almost 2yr old is definitely spirited and I'm due shortly before her second birthday. Obviously I don't know what it's going to be like yet but I can definitely understand why you would be in such a debate. DD has really done so much maturing and developing over the course of my pregnancy (on her own as she has little understanding that we're having a baby) that it has put some of my worries to rest. My biggest concern (which probably doesn't apply to you) is that DH is deploying a month before I'm due and won't be here to help ease the transition.

If you feel ready, go for it. You'll be probably be amazed at how different your almost two year old is from the little one you have now.

This is exactly what i hope happens...DD is almost 16mo and just last week i had said we would wait until she was almost 3 to try again because she is so high spirited and wouldnt you know that the very next day i found out im pregnant! im kind of stressed about the whole thing but im hoping she will adjust well and it will help her calm down a bit...one can hope right?

00jennifer00 · August 2012

My second and third are both high needs/high strung/etc. They are 2y4m apart. It was hard. It is still hard. Dh and I joke that if #3 would have been #1, we might not have had any more. #3 is 2y1m older than #4. Thankfully, she is much more chill, though not as chill as #1. I guess I'm not really the kind of person to wait around for things to get better. I don't want to wake up one day and say "shoot, s/he never got easier, but I think we could have handled it anyway", kwim? So as soon as my cycles come back, we are pretty ready to be excited about a new pregnancy.

bandwife · August 2012

DS was a high needs baby and we waited until he was 2.5 and FINALLY mostly STTN before trying to conceive again. When this one is born DS will be 3 yrs + 3 months.It'll be a tough transition I am sure but I feel much more confident about it now than I would have when he was one. I was still in zombie mode at one.

While I'm happy we waited I feel bad for DS. He is really enjoying his play dates and it will be a few years before this sibling is ready to play with him.

Despite our first being very high needs and a poor sleeper, we are already mulling going for #3 when this one is one. If this one is a better sleeper and an easier baby we'll probably go for it. DH and I are getting on there in years...

Good luck with your decision. There really isn't a wrong one. Lots of benefits to both scenarios.

francophonia · August 2012

DD is nearly 2 and very spirited. She know exactly what she wants and makes a huge fuss when she doesn't get it. We're trying for #3 because I'm turning 36 soon and if we're going to have another biological baby we should get cracking on it. DD was #2, and DS is a very relaxed kid, very laid back. A new baby hardly made him bat an eyelash, and we adopted DD when he was about 2.

I think anytime is difficult for a spirited child to accept a new sibling. I really like the 2 year spacing between kids, so we're just going to go ahead with it. DD will deal with it as we go along, and we're going to do the best we can to help her cope. Since DS is so relaxed, having a baby with an already spirited child is uncharted territory for us.

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When to have another child when the first is high needs/spirited

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