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Ask Me Anything: Weekend Edition
Can I be the weekend girl?
DS doesn't have school next week, and he apparantly doesn't nap anymore (?????). Plus, the mobile site is so tough!
But this weekend I'll have plenty of time for answers. So step right up!
(small favor: if ?'s reference my DS or DW, please refer to them as such, rather than typing out their names. please and thank you.)
Mrs._F
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
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Re: Ask Me Anything: Weekend Edition
i love how your ds is so close in age to my little bear. My question for you - how are you doing? Are you still breast-feeding DS? if no, how were you able to wean him?
(I bed-share and nurse my little guy still...)
Jen has decided to stay home with our little guys for at least a year, which surprised us both (she is ambitious and loves her profession and just working in general), but it's what she really wants. Advice for a new SAHM?
What's your favorite part of the day? Of the week? Of the year?
Still nursing! I imagined I'd stop when he was 2, but that just didn't pan out. I really didn't anticipate what a special experience toddler nursing would be. While there are annoyances, I'm really glad we're still going. We nightweaned...I forget. Sometime after he turned one? Which was a lot of long nights, and some help from DW. We are back to nursing at night now due to those fcking 2yr molars. We cut back a lot in the late winter/ early spring. Mostly with distractions offering food, drink, or a fun activity like playing outside or in the kitchen sink. That got us down to morning, night and nap. I wanted to wean him at that time, but it proved too stressful I was already depressed for other reasons and DW was working a lot, so I gave up, and ended up being happy with that decision. Now I think that I'd like to be done maybe by Xmas. We'll see!
Overall, with DS I'm doing okay. He is SO fun and SO exhausting!! Hahaha Each day is awesome and awful in its own right! The pretend play and language development are completely amazing. He makes me laugh constantly. The tantrums and toddler obstanance are tough, especially with the long hours of solo parenting I clock.
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
For a new SAHM, especially one who loves working and is ambitious my number 1 bit of advice is to make connections with other moms!!! For the first 9 months or so of DS's life, I was great on my own. I love me some tiny baby, and was totally happy to not even leave the house for days at a time just snuggling him and breathing his baby smell! But gradually, I started to NEED other people. I met my best mom friend when DS was about 9 mos through a group for crunchy moms on meetup.com, and thank goodness I met her when I did! By the time DS was a toddler it was essential to have another mom to call and say "Oh my god this kid! Let's get together today!!" haha
Go to playgrounds and story time at the library, even if the kids aren't quite old enough, it's still nice to be out with other moms and kids. find local parenting groups on meetup.com. Make mom friends. They are invaluable.
I really like having one scheduled thing a week like enrolling in a music class or story time, or kiddie gym class or whatever. They are often really fun and give you one thing each week to look forward to that you don't have to think about and plan, you just show up!
Being a SAHM is wonderful and rewarding, but it is hard. The more your spouse works, the harder it is. Just because things get out of balance. It's easy for me to feel like I'm the only parent sometimes. My advice to both of you would be to remember to stay in tune with each other and check in often to make sure you're functioning well as a team and that each of you feels understood and valued by the other.
My advice to you would be to give her the opportunity to do something alone, just for herself on a regular basis even if it's just an hour or two. Though from previous convo's it sounds like you guys are already pretty good at looking out for each other, which is wonderful!
My favorite time of the day is....nap time?? Ahahaha. I really like DS's sleepy morning nursing session when that happens. And when we snuggle on the couch and watch a show, which is either in the morning or before bed.
Fave time of the week, might be Wednesday. By then I'm in the groove l the week, but not so tired yet. We pretty much always do something fun that day.
Face time of year is fall. I've always loved it. I love it even more now with DS!
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
No pets, right? Have you ever considered one?
Blogs: Our Growing Family - CT Working Moms
We did almost get two dogs in our last apartment, preparenting. We even applied for adoption for a specific set, but we weren't chosen, and I think that was definitely for the best.
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
Does your DW have any issues along the lines of 'feeling like a dad'?
Had you struggled with depression earlier in life?
IVF Oct/Nov 2012
Beta #1 = 77, Beta #2 = 190, Beta #3 = 1044
Cautiously optimistic.
I worked as an admin before I had DS. I miss parts of it. My last job was a fun, social environment, so I miss that aspect. I miss going out for lunch in the city on my break. I miss the money! But I am really glad that I decided to stay home. Soon I'll be ready for p/t work, but i would miserable working my old job in the city, commuting, while someone else got to be with DS.
Yes and no. We both were kind of surprised by how dadlike her role is. It's hard to feel like equal parents when the amount of hours we each spend with DS is SO different. I wouldn't say so much that she struggles with feeling like a dad more with how to be a working mom.
Yes. I have been depressed at other times in my life. Seems to creep up every so many years. I was nervous about ppd, but got lucky there. This most recent bout has for sure been the hardest. Being home with a toddler while depressed is the hardest thing I've ever done. I am relieved to be feeling a bit better, but it can still be hard.
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
Any tips for getting anything DONE during the day? I sometimes think my house would be cleaner if I was working... at least we wouldn't be home to mess it up all day
Things got harder with a mobile kid who hardly naps.
I think you used to dance? What kind of dance did you do and for how long? Did you want to do it professionally?
Getting anything done during they day - oy! It's hard! That is a huge part of the reason we enrolled DS in a toddler program at a preschool. I do try to find ways for DS to "help." He can sometimes play in the sink while I manage to get a few dishes washed and keep him from flooding the house, haha. He is actually really good at helping me load and unload the washer and dryer with laundry, and likes to do it. He sometimes likes to help vaccuum or sweep. I've tried cooking with him, but it's too much of a headache (I'm not a natural chef to beging with, haha). I do most things when he's asleep or at school. I feel like if I can include in some chores, that's enough for now. I've also learned to set the bar lower. If the house isn't filthy, we have clean clothes, and there's something of nutritious value on the table for dinner - I've won.
When Henry was a baby, I would wear him while I did chores all. the. time. Back carries are awesome for that!
Yes! I go to ballet class once a week now, and it is amaaaaaaazing. I felt silly at first about spending the money (even though it isnt much) and asking DW to finish bedtime for me while I go, but I can't tell you how much I get out of it. It's the only kind of exercise I really like, and I just love ballet so much. It's time just for me, when I don't think about anything else and just have fun.
I did ballet, tap and jazz as a kid - ballet is my real love. I danced for several years. I gave it up for silly reasons (why did my parents let me?? haha), and then got caught up in other activities I also enjoyed and never went back. I have gone to classes before as an adult, but it can be hard to find a good one and make the time for it. I went to an AWESOME class in Boston, but then I got big and preggo and too tired to shlep there after work, and then we moved to the 'burbs.
I didn't consider dancing professionally because as a kid/teen, I did not have the "ballet body," and I/my family didn't really see it as a legit career path. Now that I am dancing again, I do wonder if I can turn it into more...maybe teaching (I missed way too many years to be able to be a ballerina). We shall see. Who knows what the future will bring?
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
Those two quotes right there sum up the two sides of the debate regarding SAHM/daycare/etc. in the Kershnic household. As in, do we both have to be miserable working and commuting in order to feel like equal parents. Sigh.
Also, I'm glad to hear the depression is looking up for you. I'm sorry that you've been struggling so much.
IVF Oct/Nov 2012
Beta #1 = 77, Beta #2 = 190, Beta #3 = 1044
Cautiously optimistic.
Two Mommies Healing Hearts
Yes! We do a music class year round right now, and a sports class in the winter he is so athletic! Def didn't get that from me!. But in a year or two, he'll be getting old for the music class , and if he's interested in dance, I'll be happy to sign him up.
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
I think that with a lot of care and communication, having one parent stay at home can work really, really well. DW and I are working on the balance. Each person really needs to value each other's work. I think if the working mom can basically take over the parenting when she's home, it will feel more equal.
The way I see it is that the SAHM's chalenge is being Mom 24/7. The working mom's challenge is being on and at work, and then having to be on as Mom at home. That's just my experience/take of course.
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
How did being a SAHM change the power dynamic of your marriage? Did finances come into play?
Once K gets her next promotion, I'm going to stay at home. I'm a little worried about her thinking of me as an employee (as far as what I get done during the day, chores, "giving me money", etc). Did you talk about this stuff beforehand?
A mei tai! I joined the forums on thebabywearer.com, found a used one for 40 on the FSOT board and bought it! They are very welcoming to newbies, if you would like to buy a used carrier. Mei tais are so great. They are comfy and cam be used with littles and toddlers. I still wear Hen on my back in it. A buckle carrier, especially the ergo is another great option.
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
We did not have that particular problem of me being like an employee. Before we had DS, we knew that I would stay home because we both recognized that with our jobs and commutes, we'd never be able to keep up with everything. I really wanted to stay home, and my paycheck really would have just covered daycare. DW liked the family model of one parent at home because her mom stayed home until she was 8.
The problem we've had has been that
DW works so much, that I wasnt getting enough respite. And when she WAS home, it was not second nature for her take over and be mom. Also, I feel pressure, which is mostly selfinflicted to do EVERYTHING when it comes to taking care of us all and our home.
Financially, it's not really an issue. We both know this is our best situation financially. And we both really view the money DW makes as the family's money. also, while DW brings home the check, I manage our monthly spending, pay the bills and do all our shopping.
It is hard mentally having to ask for everything though. Moreso than I thought. Because DW isn't parenting as much as I am, I feel like I have to ask if I want to do anything by myself. That feeling of not having the basic freedom to come and go is tough. And it is not that DW doesn't want me to do things, it's that I have to ask her or
someone else to watch DS for me to be able to anything on my own. But now that I think about it isnt that true for most parents? Hmmm. I guess in theory it is, but DW doesn't really ever have to ask me to watch DS, because I always do anyway.
That was a long answer, hahaha Hope it included something that you were looking for!
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer