Blended Families

spoiled by the xh..need help

I'm at a loss! My 8 yo thinks she can be rude, mouthy, ungrateful, and cry her way to what she wants....she is with me and my bf majority of the time. Eh gets eowe visits and I let him have an Extra day a week for the summer ....obviously that was a bad mistake ...xh gives her everything she wants with out teaching her the hard work and discipline behind it all. At our house there are rules that must be followed and good behavior and chores are rewarded ....now she has No appreciation for what BC and I do for her. She spends most of her time with us grounded...i hate it! I would love to take her to fun amazing things but when she can't even appreciate a roof over her head I know she wont appreciate a trip tpbthe water park and we don't believe in condoning her back behavior. My 5 yo usually gets this punishment as well even though he doesn't deserve it. My family tries to take him to go do fun things while his sis is in trouble but it seems nothing IA working ....I am on the verge of taking everything put of her room aside from hee clothes and bed.....please help!!

Re: spoiled by the xh..need help

  • Anyone else feel like this wall o text and writing style is like Deja Vu from yesterday!?!?
  • yes... hmm?!?
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  • Not sure what you are implying here .....I'm looking for advice but since many of you all have already judged me I ask unless you can't give advice don't reply to my questions.....o BTW never judge a book by the cover ....
  • Write the rules down and keep them simple.  1) Respect yourself in what you say and do 2) Respect others in what you say and do 3) Do x,y,z chores daily

    Then set consequences for breaking the rules and write those down too.  Then every single time she breaks the rules enforce the appropriate consequence.

    My 9y/o SD has a chart with 10 boxes on it.  The first three boxes are empty and the last 7 have a privelege in each one.  Every time she breaks a rule we check a box.  She gets 3 "freebies" and we just remind her to behave.  After that she loses whatever privelege is written in the box she checks for the rest of the week.  We reset the chart Thursday nights at bedtime.  It's worked really well.

    Your DD is plenty old enough to understand that different places have different rules.  What goes at her dad's doesn't fly in your home.  End of discussion.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
  • She is old enough to know different house different rules. However, no kid appreciates the mundane thingsa house, clothes, doctors, food, etc. unless they don't have them.
  • imageFutureMrsWittig:

    Write the rules down and keep them simple. 1) Respect yourself in what you say and do 2) Respect others in what you say and do 3) Do x,y,z chores daily

    Then set consequences for breaking the rules and write those down too. Then every single time she breaks the rules enforce the appropriate consequence.

    My 9y/o SD has a chart with 10 boxes on it.  The first three boxes are empty and the last 7 have a privelege in each one.  Every time she breaks a rule we check a box.  She gets 3 "freebies" and we just remind her to behave.  After that she loses whatever privelege is written in the box she checks for the rest of the week.  We reset the chart Thursday nights at bedtime.  It's worked really well.

    Your DD is plenty old enough to understand that different places have different rules.  What goes at her dad's doesn't fly in your home.  End of discussion.

    FutureMW has mentioned this before and I thought the idea was great. I adapted it for my 4 y/o DS (5 boxes, 1 freebie, reset each day) and it works wonders.

    I would imagine DD hates being at your house and tells XH how awful it is. I would sit down with DD and tell her; you love her very much, you want to have fun with her, and you hate punishing her but you have to when she has bad behavior. Let her know that now that the school year has started you want to start fresh and make your time together fun and enjoyable instead of constantly having her in trouble. Like FutureMW said, lay out the rules for her, explain why you have those rules, and write them on a poster board that you put in a common area of the home. Ask DD if she has any questions. She probably feels like no matter what happens at your house, she's in trouble. If things are crystal clear she may feel better about things. GL.

    image
  • Don't threaten, do. Take things away and slowly give things back instead of taking away to punish in the future.

    But, never expect a kid to appreciate a roof over their heads, this is a necessity that you are expected to provide for your kid and not a privilege they should be happy for. The things you want her to appreciate are all the extras.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • pp's have given some great advice, at 8 years old she is plenty old enough to know/ learn that certain behavior is unacceptable in your house. 

    Instead of grounding her try taking something away.  she wants to wine and cry about dinner, then she doesn't get dessert that night.  she doesn't want to brush her teeth and get ready for bed, then she has to go to bed 5 minutes earlier etc.  these are simple easy punishments that won't ruin your entire day, but are still effective.  

    stand your ground, because she will resist any change in punishment, every time you "give in" puts you 3 steps backwards. 

    and no 8 yr old will appreciate a roof over her head/ a bed/ clothes/ toys etc.  if she is taking things for granted then take things away but that will only end up in a temper tantrum most likely, then she will need to be punished for the tantrum...

                           
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  • Thanks for all the advice! I am hoping to get the chart started when they go back to school.  I think what pushed my buttons is she didnt care that she was making me late for work...and didnt care! Sorry ladies I just get so frustrated when she finally gets all the rules and follows them, goes to xh house and comes back acting like she has no clue what the rules are!  I am hoping that we can come to a common ground and have more fun with each other in the future! I am going to make her sit down with me and make the chart so she understands that I am letting her help decided what is appropriate behavior for her.  She is getting to the age that I want her to know she can always talk to me about anything, and I would love for us to have a better relationship before then.  I will update with how the chart worked :)
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