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Slowly going insane -_- slight vent

AddyAllTogetherAddyAllTogether member
in TTC After a Loss

Its been 3 months since we lost our little dude and ive been struggling with TTC. Part of me wants it more then anything and the other part is terrified. I decided last month to 'duggar' it as in not try to conceive but do nothing to prevent it. We arent mapping temps or CM and we have sex when we want to not when my body is fertile persay.

Lately ive been starting to have a lot of anxiety which is coming from a place of pure insanity. Its been one month since i was allowed to resume normal sexual activity and im already starting to wonder if i will even be able to get pregnant again. Which is irrational. Im 5 days late as of today but ive run my bhcg (oh the perks of working in a lab) and its <5 so i know im not pregnant. My cycles have always been weird and 28-36 days long so i dont understand why im so messed up about it.

Ive been running 30 minutes every other day and eating well and trying to enjoy the freedom to do as i please (the only upside to not being pregnant....i guess) im trying to focus on positives but all i can think about is being pregnant. It is becoming increasingly difficult not to start actively trying but i promise my husband and myself that i wouldnt let this drive me insane.

Its just like every time i think ive got a handle on an aspect of this horrible thing thats happened and figured out how to deal and move on, another side to it rears its head. Im thinking ahead now to if i do get pregnant again im going to be a basket case of worry. I wont have peace until i give birth!

 :| Being a woman is exceedingly difficult.

Said goodbye 5/30/12 @10wks. 5/18/12 hb strong, 5/26/12 no hb Daisypath Anniversary tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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Re: Slowly going insane -_- slight vent

  • EKGibsEKGibs member
    (((hugs)))
    TTC since 4/28/07
    Diagnosed w/ endometriosis 12/2010 Laproscopic surgery & 6 months of Lupron
    BFP 12/17/2011,EDD 8/23/12,ectopic discovered 12/29/11 at 6 weeks recieved methotrexate
    Dec '12 HSG & ultrasound showed abnormalities & more endo. Laproscopic surgery in January '13 showed significant damage & scar tissue from Endo. IVF is our best shot to concieve our rainbow.

    June '13 Decided to go the adoption route!

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    Lilypie Trying to Conceive Event tickers


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    ***PGAL/PAL WELCOME***

     

     






        

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  • AudUyAudUy

    It's tough. Really, really tough. I have been not pregnant for about 7 months now and I continue to struggle with fears that I will never be pregnant again or I will only deal with losses, etc, just like you mention. I have thought about NTNP (not trying not preventing) to try and give myself a break from it, but I know that for me it would increase my anxiety as I would know I'm not giving my all for what I want. Plus, seeing as I have anxiety about conceiving it seems best to get checked out medically and the more information I have the better. Since recently joining this board I have found that this fear over not conceiving is extremely common and therefore not my intuition speaking; it's a normal reaction.

    It's a personal decision but if you decide to TTC actively and feel nervous about the whole experience you should know that you are not alone. 

    BFP#1 11/25/11 EDD 08/09/12 MMC 01/30/12 D&C 02/01/12
    BFP#2 09/11/12 beta1=72 @13dpo beta2=160 @14dpo beta3=over 6000 @24dpo U/S @7w2dd hb=146bpm U/S @8w5d hb=159bpm U/S @12w hb=164bpm
    EDD 05/20/13
    My Ovulation Chart
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  • ALB1067ALB1067 member

    I am right there with you. This has been our first month TTC after our loss in early July. I have tried to keep myself really busy with other things, but it can be so thought consuming at times. I have actually had a lot of anxiety over it, so I have decided to start seeing a counselor. I'm not sure if something like this would be helpful to you as well, I just know it has worked for me in the past.

     It is such a common feeling, just wanted you to know you are not alone!

    TTC since November 2011
    BFP #1: 5/11/12, EDD 1/17/13, m/c 7/2/12
    BFP #2: 10/23/12, EDD 7/3/13 - Please stick little one! BabyFruit Ticker Daisypath Anniversary tickers imageImage and video hosting by TinyPic
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  • WAis4RisWAis4Ris member
    I absolutely understand. Some days I feel calm, cool, and collected about all of this. I wake up accepting the fact that god has a plan. I feel awesome all day about it. Then I wake up the next morning and my temp drops and I turn into a puddle of worry... Just know you aren't alone. Most of us are right there with ya. (hugs)
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  • kread8kread8 member

    I totally understand how you feel - that's how I have been feeling lately.  I have been becoming more and more obsessed with being pg again - and just getting another chance at having a baby.  It's hard not to feel that way when you want it so badly and it was taken away from you prematurely before. 

    I also have the same fear - when I do become pregnant again that I will be very stressed out and worried the whole time.  I think that's very natural though.  TTCAL is hard and PgAL is probably going to be even harder.  But many wise women have said on this board before - you know you're ready to try again when the desire for a baby overcomes your fear.  The only want to get what you want is to try again.  {{hugs}}

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    M/C 7/8/12

    Perfect baby boy born 7/8/13

    BFP 8/20/14 EDD 4/27/15 It's a GIRL!!

     

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  • mama2jmama2j
    It really is a double edged sword. Scared to try, scared not to try. I had my last m/c in Jan. and am just now ready to TTC because I just wasn't ready. Even now, I doubt my choice to jump back into TTC out of fear. But I have to remind myself, that the fear will get me no closer to my end goal of a baby. I have to put myself out there. ((Hugs))
    Ashley - Mama to DS born 5/8/2007 Angel Baby #1 M/C 10/2008 DD born 10/21/2009 Angel Baby #2 Missed M/C 12/26/2011, D&C 1/5/1012
    <a href="http://s1248.photobucket.com/albums/hh498/mama2jandl/?action=view
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  • densquareddensquared member

    I was wondering if I wrote this as I read it. What you are feeling seems to be the norm around here. Every month when I start testing, I want nothing more than to see that BFP. At the same time, I know when I see it, I will turn into an ever crazier person that the TTC has made me.

    Just know you're not any crazier than the rest of us, and that you always have a place to vent. ((hugs))

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  • AddyAllTogetherAddyAllTogether member
    I love all you guys!
    Said goodbye 5/30/12 @10wks. 5/18/12 hb strong, 5/26/12 no hb Daisypath Anniversary tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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