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November 2012 Moms
maven212
member
My MIL (cranky)
maven212
member
My MIL had dinner with DH last night. MIL and FIL have been pretty mean to me over the years. I've always been polite and nice. Still, MIL has said some pretty cruel things to me and has gotten into the habit of calling DH at work and saying cruel things to him. She has problem with my existence. It isn't personal. She and FIL have attachment issues with DH. Still, they have called me a failure, immature, a shopaholic (I paid off a student loan while in school...b#%$^^ please) - accused me of ruining their family, DH's career - all to my face. Then there is the stuff they have told other people about me which is cruel and simply not true.
MIL's most recent explosion at DH was very, very cruel and controlling. She sent a letter to me that was very sunshine and roses within the day of her explosion. For the first time, I didn't respond (and she has sent me letters in the past explaining how I need to accept that she will be jealous of me and I will not be good enough etc....and I have responded in good humour, very nicely) - the explosion really hurt DH and he had to decided to not speak to MIL for a while. He's my husband. I didn't think that pretending that everything was fine was appropriate.
Still, I've hit a point where I would rather not see them. We are moving
in 10 days. I have a book due and a grant due in that time. They wrote to us a few days ago and told us that they are coming for a visit and to expect to spend time with them. I told DH this isn't the time. He has given me a pass on dinners and travel to other states and coffees etc.. DH went to dinner without me.
So last night at their dinner not only does she tell DH that she has to see me because she has bought baby items and I need to receive them in person, but because I have not lived up to my duty by calling her on a regular basis, sending her emails etc.. That I am disrespectful and need to be told what to do. DH, for the first time, calmly laid down the law in terms of her behaviour, directly called her out on the things she said about me that night - but in the end promised me to a one hour meeting on Sunday. I am expecting to get the same speech on how I am disrespectful, not living up to my duties etc..
I don't like my ILs. I won't be bullied. I don't want our kid exposed to this tantrum behaviour that my ILs are prone to exhibiting. I respect DH and as such think I might have to go to this 60 minute lecture wherein my past experience indicates the will throw in the kitchen sink in terms of perceived problems they have with me. What do I say so that clear boundaries are drawn? She is prone to screaming in public places.
Can someone share a MIL horror story with me? It would make me feel so much better.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My MIL (cranky)
I don't have any MIL horror stories (my MIL is the sweetest lady on the planet) but I would like to try to give you some advice. First of all, I just don't understand why MIL's are so nasty to their DIL's. I see them all over this board and another board I post on. When she goes to start the lecture, I would say something like: "I am not disrespectful. I am a very educated, well raised and respectful, classy woman. You may think I am disrespectful, but I think you are disrespectful towards me (give examples..). It is hard to respect someone when all they do is say negative things about you and make you feel bad. Secondly, I do not need to be lectured. I am a grown, married woman. You may always harbor a resentment or jealousy towards me, but that is a personal issue within yourself. I am about to bring a child into this world and need to eliminate all negative energies in my life. I do not wish for that to be you." Just be really mature, and calm, and don't let her frustrate or aggravate you. Be happy. Your calmness and happiness will probably anger her, but it will just make her look bad.
I am sorry that you are dealing with this, but you need to set boundaries and make it very clear to her that she can not treat you that way any longer. It needs to stop.. now. You are the woman her son has chosen as a life partner, and if she can not respect that then she can not be in your life. Be the bigger, more mature person.
Good luck to you.
Consider yourself lucky you only have one MIL... I have two. And a really childish SIL.
They both smother my SO as well. They look down on me for being a product of a single parent household and not having as much as they do. It has been like this since day one. They are extremely condescending and immature. They have - on multiple occasions - sent me emails, text messages, and Facebook messages about how they will NOT let him marry me unless I sign a prenuptial agreement, and how I trapped him into staying with me by getting pregnant on purpose (which of course, is extremely false).
They literally watch everything I post on Facebook and whenever they read something they don't like, instead of calling/messaging/talking to me about it, they go to him and make up these malicious stories about what a cnt I am. So, I did the only rational thing and sent them each (both MILs and SIL) a message explaining my stance on the issue, and deleted all three of them.
It apparently struck a nerve, because now they've decided to come here for the weekend to "spend time with him" (read: convince him to come back home)
OH and to put more salt in the wound, they knew I had plans for his birthday (Monday). We were going to go out to ONE last fancy dinner before baby boy gets here. I had reservations made and plans to go away for the weekend. But now since they're here, they insist on spending ALL weekend with him.
Your MIL pretty much sucks at life.
This.
Bump burp.
This exactly. You should absolutely under no circumstances sit there and submit to another lecture from this woman. It sets a horrible precedence that will only continue to get worse. You cut her off as politely as possible and set her straight. These are the rules of how I will allow myself to be treated and they shall not be broken by you again!!
If by some miracle, she comes by and is reasonably pleasant and does not give the lecture you are expecting, I think you should bring up the past bad behavior anyway. "So glad we were able to have a nice visit this time, since with the new baby coming along, I hope you understand I won't accept the kind of negativity from you that you have shown towards me in the past. I can't have a grandparent around my child that does not respect me as it would only be a very painful thing for my child to witness and have to deal with. I'm so happy you've decided to come around and look forward to pleasant visits and interactions in the future."
Agreed! And if she starts screaming in public....Publicly Throat chop that betch!
This is great!
If you and your H don't set the boundaries now... I can only imagine the things she will try to undermind you on, in terms of your baby!
? Voted Cool Cat ~ 2012 Sweetpea Mom Awards ?
Throat chop.
In all seriousness, I think something needs to be said to her, she is unbelievable! I think it should be short and sweet: "until you are able to treat me with respect, I do not feel comfortable continuing contact with you" or something along those lines. Take the high ground, don't continue a conversation if she argues back. DH needs to say the same thing. "I do not want to hear any negative comments or disrespect about my wife. We will not tolerate that and we will both discontinue contact. It is unacceptable and non-negotiable". If he doesn't have your back, it won't work.
I'm so glad for you that your DH is on your side and is actually standing up to her/them. That makes a huge difference. My dad's mother had such a hate on for my mom (and all of her kids' SOs), it was horrible. She actually called social services on my mother one time trying to get custody of my sister and I. How messed up is that. She was constantly mean and nasty, finally my parents had to cut her out of all of our lives, I think I was four or five years old at the time. After about five years we started slowly speaking to her and seeing her again, but it was always very measured and carefully done. When my sister had her first child, our grandmother started her crazy behaviour again so we once again cut her out. It's so upsetting and unfortunate, but honestly I remember those years without my grandmother as calm, happy years compared to the ones with her. You and DH might want to consider something similar, if not cutting them out altogether, limiting the relationship.
I agree with cutting off any negative conversation she starts. I'd say, "That's not why I'm here and I won't be entertaining your tirades anymore. If you want to be involved in our lives, then you need to be respectful of all of us, including me." If she tries to go on, get up and leave. You are too busy and too pregnant to be dealing with it anymore!
Amen to the above. My MIL is just like that! She depended on my DH to be her everything before we met. Once we got together of course his calls faded and she got SUPER jealous. She has accused me of everything from flirting with her husband to being a gold digger to...whatever else you can imagine. The two of them cannot even have a normal conversation anymore. She is obsessed with convincing him that I'm bad for him and my FIL is so scared of her he just follows along. Honestly, I think you have to feel bad for people like that. I feel bad for my MIL. I think you have to be pretty bitter and lonely to be so invested in terrorizing someone. Kind of like that elementary school bully with the weight problem, but much, much worse. I have told my DH that I have no intention of dealing with them or accepting their treatment. I stopped hoping for a normal relationship with them some time ago. If it's going to happen it will be when they come to their senses, I'm open to it if and when that day comes. He defends me when he has to but has basically drawn a line to let them know that conversations about me are off limits. I'm his wife, he loves me, end story.
Bottom line: They are his parents. He needs to deal with it. You should let everyone know where your boundaries are set and then move on and try to stop thinking about it. The fact that he offered you up for dinner does not mean that you have to accept. Yes, you're married, but you make your own personal decisions.
This. You both need to stop contact with her, or let her know if she says anything negative to you or him you will leave and cease contact. Your dh is kind of standing up for you. If he was really standing up for you he wouldn't have scheduled for you to meet her w/o talking to you. Boundaries are what you need, and you and your dh need to be on the same page.
I personally would sit down with your husband and explain that going to meet with her is only caving in to her behavior. I would not go. Since this is behavior that she has continued and your husband is just now starting to speak up against it, I would not give MIL the opportunity to take it out on you that you are "ruining" her son or turning him against his family.
When I met my husband his father had set up this plan for their family. The father was basically taking all of the adult kids money and funneling it into accounts to pay off two houses. One that the grandmother lived in and controlled, the other that the parents lived in. I had no problem with this situation, but all the kids lived at home and were expected to live at home to care for the houses and grandmother and parents. The eventual goal was to pass the houses down to the kids. But it left these kids with nothing of their own.
His father hated me because 1) I had a physical disability that was preventing me from working 2) I had not completed my degree 3) I had been previously married. When I finally met his father I was told I was a wh*re, and that he was not going to let me steal from his son. He also said I was a worthless human and would not provide any benefit to his family by adding me too it. Once DH took me home, I cried and cried. DH went back to have his father threaten to cut him off, to take all of the investments he has used DH's money to make, if he kept seeing me.
It was very hard at first because DH had spent 33 years knowing nothing but his family but he refused to stop seeing me. Even if it meant hiding me from his family. Unfortunately not long after his father died, and it just spread the rift with his family. DH tried to convince his mom to change her opinion on me but no one would budge because it would be going against what the father wanted. DH finally moved out and got a place of his own and cut them off. It was the hardest thing I had to watch him do. Especially since his father had been true to his word and had moved all of DH's saving and investments leaving him with nothing but credit card debit from his family.
It took three years of having them out of our lives to for his mother to finally give in. And I think part of that was knowing we were trying to get pregnant. She has no grandchildren and none of her other kids plan on having children. Once I was pregnant his family finally accepted me. I now have a good relationship with his mother who apologizes constantly for the way things started between us. But if DH had not eventually cut them out and set boundaries I do not think they would have ever respected him or me.
Sorry I know this is long. Long story short version... I really understand the horror of dealing with IL's. The best thing we could have done was stand up to them. They did not respect us otherwise. If you allow them to yell and treat you like children it will never change.
You go girl!!!!
DH is an only grandchild on one side and his Grandma was a NIGHTMARE when we first got together. She acted just like this with my MIL too, when she married DH's dad. Grandma has even gone as far as calling CPS on MIL about DH when he was little.
My first contact with her didn't go over well because she called DH (then boyfriend) one morning around 8 and I answered the phone (I'd obviously spent the night). DH and I lived together and no one had bothered to tell her because they knew she'd overreact. She called me a slvt and asked to speak to him. I handed him the phone crying, told him what she said, and he "grounded" her for two months. He didn't speak to her, visit, etc. She was DEVASTATED! It took him standing up to her for her to realize that she couldn't act that way. I was very negative about her for years, and I am still wary to keep my distance. The woman is crazy, but now that I have her only great-grandchildren she has realized that she MUST be nice.
After 3 college degrees and a doctorate on the way, she can no longer argue that I'm not smart and that DH married down. She brags about me like I'm a prize now... but I want to scream, "B*TCH! I don't want to hear my name EVER leave your mouth again!" If she couldn't be nice to me when I was a poor, unmarried, in school, jobless teenager, she doesn't deserve to get to brag on me now. That's my family's job!
Good luck!
Our first family photo!