conflicted about planning for the future

dandywarhol · August 2012

Lately I've been feeling very conflicted about how to plan for the future when the TTCAL journey can be so uncertain. I am a planner by nature and profession and enjoy planning things out - vacations, projects, life. Our 3 losses have really thrown me for a loop and I'm not sure if I can or should plan anything. Yet at the same time, I don't want to stop living or doing things I enjoy.

For instance, DH and I like to travel. I typically start planning a vacation before I've completed the previous vacation. But since we are TTCAL (or will be in a few weeks) who knows where we will be in our journey next summer.

Have any of you experienced similar conflicting feelings? Have you thought or done anything that has made you feel less conflicted?

Having a family is a priority to me yet I don't want it to be the only thing in my life.

le sigh.

raashton · August 2012

There will always be conflicts, no matter what you are planning: moving, getting a job, school, and having a child. Because there are always conflicts, nothing is ever truly set in stone. I remind myself of this and continue on, doing what I want, when I want, planning what I want. If I continued to wait for the a time when there were no conflicts, I would never a) get to do anything or go anywhere and b) I would never have a child.

It is one thing to plan a little ahead but another thing to live in the future and let your life be inhibited now.

LLPtobe · August 2012

Raashton put it very well. I totally understand where you're coming from. Although I am not much of a planner, DH is and so I have sort of become one over the course of our relationship/marriage. I think the thing to keep in mind is that you can always alter or adjust your plans. That doesn't mean you should stop making them though.

dandywarhol · August 2012

I agree with the living in the present vs. future. That is one big lesson I've taken from all of this - the future holds no guarantees, enjoy the present. But at the same time there are certain things - like training for a marathon or saving for a trip- that require planning.

LLPtobe, I think your point about being able to alter or adjust plans in a good one. I don't always like change so becoming more adaptable is definitely something I could work on.

killian09 · August 2012

Yup, I agree. It's beyond frustrating. I have taken the following approach:

-For work, I make commitments assuming I won't be pregnant/have a baby, and figure I will reschedule/cancel if needed. If I had arranged my work around my expectation that I'd have a baby last April (or this November), I would have missed a bunch of professional opportunities that won't come around again.

I've become even more concerned lately about whether I might have to cancel work travel at the last minute, if I found out I was pregnant and had travel scheduled before I could rule out ectopic pregnancy risk. But I've decided I'll cross that bridge if it comes. I can't put TTC on hold for work trips, because I make too many of them (about once every month or two). And I can't put work on hold for TTC, because it might waste years of my professional life and doesn't bring me closer to having a baby.

-For my personal life, I've just accepted that some things will happen at the last minute. I've traveled twice with my husband internationally in the past year, and I just have adjusted to planning at the last minute (say a few weeks in advance). I figure if I'm not pregnant or have an infant next summer, I'll plan another trip, but probably I'll wait until I'm just a month out from our travel dates. (This way if we need to TTA, it won't be for long.) It limits options a bit, but I would hate to lose money on canceling a big trip.

Smash2009 · August 2012

What everyone else has said....I could have written this post word for word. So glad I have you guys to talk to about this kind of stuff!

hungryhippo · August 2012

dandywarhol:
I agree with the living in the present vs. future. That is one big lesson I've taken from all of this - the future holds no guarantees, enjoy the present. But at the same time there are certain things - like training for a marathon or saving for a trip- that require planning.
LLPtobe, I think your point about being able to alter or adjust plans in a good one. I don't always like change so becoming more adaptable is definitely something I could work on.

Points to signature. I signed up for my first ever half marathon hoping beyond hope that I'd get knocked up and would probably not actually run all 13.1 (or run at all). Yet, I paid for it, planned for it and trained for it as if I was going to run the whole thing.

Then, I panicked when it occurred to me recently that a few months of earlier than usual O meant that on race day, I would be about 9 or 10dpo instead of a few days in to a new cycle. That was not in my plan when I picked this particular race on this particular day! Suddenly I slowed way, way down on the training and then we ended up TTA this month anyway.

I thought I was making the most of life in the now and in the future by making two plans: A) Get knocked up and Work toward a personal goal in case plan A didn't pan out.

But it turns out even that foolproof plan was complicated by my emotions and irrational fears (I know there's absolutely nothing wrong with running a half during potential implantation).

Do the best you can to satisfy your needs (to plan, to TTCAL, to to provide for the need to be flexible like spending a little extra for refundable airfare, to be a human that wants things now and in the future) and then add a little something to your definition of being a planner. Something like: that part of being a good planner includes being able to adapt when plans have to change.

Even though I'm not trained to run all 13.1 miles, nor am I pregnant, I can run more than twice as many miles as I could before I signed up for this race. That feels like progress and I can feel content about it.

GREENEYEDGIRL84 · August 2012

dandywarhol:
Lately I've been feeling very conflicted about how to plan for the future when the TTCAL journey can be so uncertain. I am a planner by nature and profession and enjoy planning things out - vacations, projects, life. Our 3 losses have really thrown me for a loop and I'm not sure if I can or should plan anything. Yet at the same time, I don't want to stop living or doing things I enjoy.
For instance, DH and I like to travel. I typically start planning a vacation before I've completed the previous vacation. But since we are TTCAL (or will be in a few weeks) who knows where we will be in our journey next summer.
Have any of you experienced similar conflicting feelings? Have you thought or done anything that has made you feel less conflicted?
Having a family is a priority to me yet I don't want it to be the only thing in my life.
le sigh.

I know exactly how you feel. I am at a very similar place in life. A planner by nature, I assumed I'd be a mother by now. I have recently decided to begin planning things that do not revolve around having a baby. I feel like I've let my baby worries consume me for years. We had our first loss on Christmas day. When I think back on how devastated I was I realize that I let my entire first holiday with my husband slip by. I don't want to miss out on living anymore. I am trying to plan wonderful things to look forward to & if I happen to get pregnant a third time & have a baby instead of those things,that's great! If not, at least I enjoyed the time I have with my husband. I pray that someday I get to have a baby, but I desperately want to get to a place where I'm complete with what I have now. I worry that if I never get my take home baby & I remain defined by it, I will feel very lost in the world someday.

KikiCohen · August 2012

The most conflict I'm having is over whether or not we should TTA for the two cycles where my EDD would be June and July. I have a summer job that I absolutely love and I wouldn't be able to do it if I was due in either month. For now, I'm taking it one cycle at a time, so if I don't get KU this cycle, I will have to face the issue.

FWIW, I would postpone a vacation. Our vacation for next year is already set (we're going with my ILs) and no way are we TTA that cycle.

kread8 · August 2012

I agree with a lot of the PPs that you shouldn't plan your future completely around being pg. TTCAL is emotional enough and trying to plan everything around it makes it even harder and puts more pressure on the entire situation. I say plan your next vacation without worrying about if you'll be pg or not. If you ARE pg for it, then that is a very happy reason to change your travel plans!

That being said, whenever I think about future plans next year I do, in the back of my mind, think "well we might not be able to go if I'm pg" or "we might have to change our plans and do such and such get together a different weekend if I'm pg and huge by then". It's hard not to think in those terms, but it's still important to plan travel/goals/etc without making all of them revolve around your TTC timeline.

sevencentral · August 2012

Like everyone else, I keep planning as if I'm not TTCAL, a lesson I learned after my loss, which was timed so that I'd have the "perfect" maternity leave for my job. There is no perfect, and we've all learned that the hard way. I plan trips for work and personal life, and buy travel insurance in case I have medical reasons to have to cancel--sad in the past, but hopefully happy for us all in the future.

densquared · August 2012

Planning is good. Planning around being KU, not so good. As we ll know, it doesn't always happen easily, and it doesn't always end happily. With all of the insurance options available, you could just pay a bit more up front knowing that if you do find yourself KU, you can get out of it. You can't stop living to TTC. Have fun and enjoy DH for now, as much as we all want it, a baby will change a lot of things when it finally arrives.

RedPhoenix625 · August 2012

This is a great thread. You guys have a good perspective on this that I need to internalize. I struggle with the planning thing in a general sense, just because the uncertainty makes me uncomfortable. But more specifically, I'm having a really hard time currently with home-ownership thing. We currently rent, and had just informally committed to buying a house before IVF was suggested by one of our doctors. Screeeech. It's hard to already feel so stuck in life because of our IF and RPL, but to be more literally (financially) stuck is definitely hard to swallow.

Want a personalized experience?

conflicted about planning for the future

Re: conflicted about planning for the future

Choose Another Board

Search Boards