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Blended Families
meli1025
member
Feeling helpless...SS on a downward spiral
meli1025
member
I have a SS and SD, 14 and 13 respectively, and they live with their BM but stay with us every other weekend. The problem is that BM has no control over them and is always out, leaving them with various members of her family. SS is starting to manipulate and not obeying curfews when he's with us because this is what he gets away with at home. Most recently, he bragged to my oldest SD who is 21 that when he stays at this Aunt's house he sneaks out of the house and stays out until 4am, hanging out with the older kids that are seniors in the high school he is just starting in September. He mentions lots of drugs by their street names, knowing entirely too much making it obvious that he is hanging around this scene. I plead with my DH to reach out to BM and make sure that they communicate because from experience, I watched my sister maniupluate my parents during the course of a horrible drug addiction and it all started when she was a teen. I'm seeing the signs early on from my SS and his BM is in complete denial. When DH tries to talk to her, she blows it off saying that he's making things up and that his real problem is that he claims my DH is not a real dad to him...which is total BS because my DH is at every sporting event, every school function, every practice, and sees his kids way more than only on parenting weekends. She's only saying this to hurt DH and even told DH that my SS said he also treats my DS poorly. THAT couldn't be further from the truth, our DS adores his father and cries when he leaves the room!!
So other than looking for miracle advice, I'm so stressed that I'm watching my SS go on a downward spiral and I feel very helpless about it. BM refuses to get together and talk with my SS and DH, she says "I talk to him all the time, talk to him when you see him". She doesn't grasp the concept that he sees how much his parents don't like each other and uses this to his advantage by manipulating. He lies to both of them to benefit himself. He's getting away with everything and we have such limited control. I'm fearing the worst, as I menitioned my sister picked up a very bad drug habit that she still struggles with 15 years later. I wish there was something I could do, this feeling is horrible. I care very much about my SS and want the best for him. I just keep telling DH not to give up and keep pushing BM to talk and don't stop communicating. There's only so much I can do. : ( My fear is that she will push him on us when he gets too far gone and out of control. We have a 2 year old DS and another one on the way, I can't have that kind of behavior around the little ones. I want to reach out to BM myself but that would be like talking to a brick wall. I'm fearing the worst right now for my SS and wish I could do more.
BFP#1 - 11/27/09 EDD 8/5/10, DS1 arrived 7/24/10 via emergency c-section.
BFP#2 - 6/18/12 EDD 2/23/13, sweet baby girl born sleeping on 10/4/12 at 19 weeks, 3 days.
BFP #3 - 1/18/13 EDD 10/1/13, natural mc on 2/2/13 at 5 weeks, 4 days.
BFP #4 - 8/29/13 EDD 5/12/14, our sweet rainbow, DS2 born 4/29/14 via c-section
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Feeling helpless...SS on a downward spiral
Don't wait for BM to take action.
Have DH drug test that kid, at random, and multiple times.
If he is clean - great, if he isn't, he needs professional help and BM will not be able to be in denial anymore.
BFP#1 - 11/27/09 EDD 8/5/10, DS1 arrived 7/24/10 via emergency c-section.
BFP#2 - 6/18/12 EDD 2/23/13, sweet baby girl born sleeping on 10/4/12 at 19 weeks, 3 days.
BFP #3 - 1/18/13 EDD 10/1/13, natural mc on 2/2/13 at 5 weeks, 4 days.
BFP #4 - 8/29/13 EDD 5/12/14, our sweet rainbow, DS2 born 4/29/14 via c-section
shes not gonna do anything TAKE ACTION .. randomly drug test him.. if he fails call CPS and get custody of him.. my older SS was starting to have this problem. and he wasnt being taken care of and his BM doesnt give a crap she has other kids which i think shouldnt be under her care. so we fought for him.. and got them both.. if you can .. do something kids with blended families go through tough times. and they need more love and care than kiddos in which their birth parents are together.. dont let him feel like no one cares it will get worse
Best of Luck
BFP#1 - 11/27/09 EDD 8/5/10, DS1 arrived 7/24/10 via emergency c-section.
BFP#2 - 6/18/12 EDD 2/23/13, sweet baby girl born sleeping on 10/4/12 at 19 weeks, 3 days.
BFP #3 - 1/18/13 EDD 10/1/13, natural mc on 2/2/13 at 5 weeks, 4 days.
BFP #4 - 8/29/13 EDD 5/12/14, our sweet rainbow, DS2 born 4/29/14 via c-section
This. When my SD was a senior we had major problems and when she turned 18 that November of senior elyear she basically said she was an adult and can do what she wants and it was really bad. Come graduation we said our house our rules for many reasons including our 1 1/2yo and baby on the way and she moved/was kicked out. Basically just saying I feel for you.
While my SS hasn't started anything majorly awful he is exposed to a completely different lifestyle when he's around BM & her family. I've known this since day 1 and made my concerns known to both parties. Each, DH & BM, say that SS is such a great kid & smarter than that, etc. etc. My response (will probably get me fried on here) is harsh but its the same standard I grew up with.
If SS gets in trouble, arrested, etc. for drinking/drugs/etc. we (DH & I) are not bailing him out, period. I take it a little further & say that if he gets in trouble doing something we can directly link back to behavior he saw/learned from BM, we'll have nothing to do with it & it will be her responsibility to fix her crappy parenting.
My DH got into trouble in high school & did his time, his family didn't bail him out or try to soften the blow. He understands exactly how bad some decisions can be and expects SS to learn those lessons the same way. I never got into trouble like that because I knew my parents, while they loved me more than anything, would let me face the consequences.
It doesn't make it any easier to watch someone make such stupid, awful choices when they are still so young and have to much in front of them. All you can do is support and parent when he's with you but understand you don't have any control over his time with BM and the choices he makes there.