When will you or did you tell people about IF?

mikesgirl06 · August 2012

MH and I have not officially told our families about our struggles. I just don't want to deal with all of the constant crazy questions my MIL would come up with and we tend to be more private anyways. However, when we come to the treatment portion of this journey in the next few months I don't know if we should tell them. How did you or didn't you make a decision to share with your family/friends?

I just don't know which scenario is worse the, "are you going to have kids" "are you trying" series of questions or the "are you pregnant" "did it work" series of questions...

chelsmcl · August 2012

We made the mistake of telling our parents when we started TTC, so they ended up knowing about our struggles right away. It is nice to have a support system who knows what you're going through. I also told my best friend, and she has helped me out so much with my rollercoaster of emotions.

angelamaster1986 · August 2012

I have only told those close to me and generally all women.. I have told my mom, sister&H, grandmother, brother, best friend, dads wife, and my office buddy/boss. I told these people all for different reasons but even with this list, I still feel like im in the closet about it. Once I told my family members, the questions turned into "hows everything going?". I like this question much more.

megwill126 · August 2012

I felt better once i told my family. I have a big family and am very close to all of them and it made me feel better that I could be open about it. If I am in a bad mood I like that I can tell them the truth and most of the time they cheer me up. Once i told them that we were going through with IUI I told htem what it was and asked htem not to ask me " Did it work" a milllion times and that I would tell them. So far they all have been great and again it helps me to be able to talk to them about it. Makes me feel like I cope better.

Unknown · August 2012

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baker916 · August 2012

Like most people, we've told our parents, I've told my boss (who I'm also very close to), and maybe 3-4 close friends. I think it has been much easier. So far, everyone is really great at not asking too many questions unless I'm sharing and being very supportive. I just hate having to brush off questions or lie to close friends and family when they ask those "when are you having kids" questions.

Hinessn · August 2012

We have always been out of the closet. DH and I always wanted kids and now that we've been together 6 years its not hard to guess we're struggling. We talked about it when we first started TTC. DH's family is incredibly self-absorbed so honestly we don't even get any questions about it. His grandparents ask from time to time how things are going but don't probe. My mom gets the low down almost daily haha I dont go into TMI details but she's always known and has often offered financial help if we ever need it.

I wish I could be in the closet for work. Being in the military EVERYONE and their mother knows your business. People you dont even know will know about it. Then, everyone thinks they have the answer. Its frustrating but I've gotten used to it by now, despite the fact that majority of these people are horribly insensitive.

Its hard in the military because 99% of women get KU easier than they sneeze, and being that my unit is currently deployed essentially every single female here is pregnant. Its like a nightmare every single day.

asilwhite · August 2012

I've been pretty open about our situation as I'm extremely close with my parents and my MIL. We came to an understanding though that if I don't bring it up, they shouldn't ask about it, because I might just not feel like talking about it then.

My boss also knows, simply because we're extremely close and I've been missing a lot of work for Dr. visits. I actually learned that she struggled as well and eventually moved to IVF to conceive her daugher, so it's nice to speak to her on occasion.

I have not told any of my friends, because almost none of them are married, they're all very career oriented and I just don't think they would understand.

I definitely think it's a deeply personal choice that you and your husband need to make. Personally I think it's worse to hear the "You've been married for 3 years, why aren't you pregnant yet?" rather than the "How's everything going" question which is alluding to treatment. I would also recommend that if you do decide to tell people, set boundaries for them so it doesn't become the focus of conversation every time you see them. There is more to you than IF!

GL!

BellaLux · August 2012

A few close friends knew when we started ttc, shared with our parents about 6 months in. Once we got to around month 10-12, and started testing and through the IF diagnosis, I shared with my Mom and MIL, they were really supportive. Only 2 other close friends know of our IF diagnosis. The others think we just decided to take a break from ttc.

We decided not to share with anyone while we are going through IVF. Initially, I didn't want all the questions or additional heartache of sharing more bad news if things don't go as planned. Lately, I've been thinking of telling at least one person so I can have someone positive during rough days. I feel so robbed of being able to surprise everyone with a BFP, that we feel doing it this way we'll get it back.

kristykay123 · August 2012

I'm incredibly open about it and always have been, maybe a little too open. I blog about it daily and have shared a ton on Facebook. It's actually comforting to have a ton of support because of it.

daisy19782011 · August 2012

my mom and my sister know b/c they knew we were trying and when it took a while and then I was going to a bunch of doctor's appointments, I felt like I should tell them. I am so glad I did. We are very close and the secrets were harder.

I just now told the few close people I work with b/c I have to be gone to the RE here and there for appointments and I didnt want them to think I was dying or something. They have been very suuportive and it turns out another woman I work with is struggling as well, so I have enjoyed swapping stories with her.

lin681 · August 2012

I told my parents and a few close friends who are thinking about seeing an RE in the near future. I didnt tell my parents until after my initial RE appt. Just needed some extra supoport and positive vibes

LuClo · August 2012

We told both families after we got DH's azoo diagnosis, but the reasons couldn't have been more different-

DH's family constantly asked when we were going to have a baby. When we got the dx and realized what a long road it was going to be, I told DH that I would probably lose it if they kept asking. He sent a mass text to his family saying that "we had been trying, he had no sperm, it might happen with a lot of help, it might never happen, stop asking". He specifically said that he was sending a text bc he didn't want to talk about it, so don't ask, and if we have news we'll tell you. It was blunt, but it did the trick. They've tried to be supportive...

After that I didn't feel like we should def tell my family too. It was more of a 'keeping you informed' conversation. My mom and I aren't close, but she's been great. My sisters are all quite a bit younger and still in college- it's just a different stage of life, they joke how great it would be to not have to worry about getting KU- but underneath it they're really supportive too.

mikesgirl06 · August 2012

Thank you ladies for sharing your experiences and thoughts. A lot of you made great points which I appreciate and will share with MH. Ultimately it is our decision but I was only seeing the negative side of this and many of you pointed out some wonderful positives.Thank you so much for sharing.

megemoney · August 2012

We told parents at our year mark because I had my Lap scheduled. My OB was sure I had Endo but told me a Lap wasn't necessary and to just get pregnant because that would cure it. She wouldn't give me a referral to an RE until we hit our year mark so as soon as the year hit I was in the RE's office and he was ready to the Lap right then and there. So, we told parents at that point.

lisaf40 · August 2012

So for those of you with friends and family in the know, how will/do you handle your pregnancy test day? Is it a "please don't ask I'll tell you when I'm ready" or do you tell them how it went right away since they already know you should have found out?

kristykay123 · August 2012

lisaf40:
So for those of you with friends and family in the know, how will/do you handle your pregnancy test day? Is it a "please don't ask I'll tell you when I'm ready" or do you tell them how it went right away since they already know you should have found out?

I always say, "You'll know as soon as I know so please don't ask. If you don't know, that means that I'm not." That usually does the trick.

katib77 · August 2012

We pretty much told everyone when we found out. Not in a "Guess what we have IF issues" way, but when it came up in conversations. And since we told everyone we'd try for a baby as soon as we said "I do" since we were older, people asked us a lot! I did not become "facebook public" until April 2011 when we were almost a year into IF world. I came out for NIAW because I feel so strongly about awareness and education. I very rarely feel bad about "coming out". I think it's good that more of our friends are now educated as well as they mainly never ask anymore or say stupid things that would piss off an in-the-closet couple.

LuClo · August 2012

kristykay123:
lisaf40:
So for those of you with friends and family in the know, how will/do you handle your pregnancy test day? Is it a "please don't ask I'll tell you when I'm ready" or do you tell them how it went right away since they already know you should have found out?
I always say, "You'll know as soon as I know so please don't ask. If you don't know, that means that I'm not." That usually does the trick.

Exactly this. Plus we let them know we have IF but not the daily details. Treatment decisions are hard enough without anyone outside DH and I weighing in.

LuClo · August 2012

kristykay123:
lisaf40:
So for those of you with friends and family in the know, how will/do you handle your pregnancy test day? Is it a "please don't ask I'll tell you when I'm ready" or do you tell them how it went right away since they already know you should have found out?
I always say, "You'll know as soon as I know so please don't ask. If you don't know, that means that I'm not." That usually does the trick.

Exactly this. Plus we let them know we have IF but not the daily details. Treatment decisions are hard enough without anyone outside DH and I weighing in.

katib77 · August 2012

lisaf40:
So for those of you with friends and family in the know, how will/do you handle your pregnancy test day? Is it a "please don't ask I'll tell you when I'm ready" or do you tell them how it went right away since they already know you should have found out?

When we have a treatment cycle, only my family, DH's parents & sister, and my very close girlfriends know. And they know not to ask, that we will tell them when we know. The first cycle was a bit hard, everyone adjusting to personal space - but we now have it down pat. Usually, since it's always a BFN - I send out a quick text to everyone saying it didn't work, thanks for their support and prayers and they know to leave me the eff alone.

Sadly, because of my job - I do also tell work and thankfully, they never ask if it worked. I think they realize that I'd be a whole hell of a lot happier if it did. And, well I never look PG so usually about two months later they'll just ask "When will you be trying a treatment again?" to try and be supportive.

twistsandturnsto2 · August 2012

we have been open to almost everyone since being dx with IF. Almost all of our close family knew that we wanted kids right away, and now that we have been married 2 years and still no baby........and yes, i get really dumb questions all the time bc of it..."will a lap make you pregnant?"

My work knows more than DH's, I told all of our immediate family when we finished testing and knew what we were working with(there was alot of pressure on us to travel, and it wasnt all that possible with tx cycles)....

I have become more general with tx plans and "dates" I will never tell anyone, even my own mother, when we test bc DH and I have learned that we are better off(for us) keeping it to ourselves. My mom, MIL, FIL. and SIL will be the first to know if anything does work, and they know when the "highlights" are but we fudge the test dates a little so they will not be waiting for a beta or pee stick.......but it is nice to have their support when it fails.

lisaf40 · August 2012

I definitely. Made the mistake of letting my parents know when the beta would be....Now I am dreading the fact that they will be dying to know what happens that day! From now on I will be taking your advice of being vague on dates.

Keephope2012 · August 2012

DH and I struggled with the decisions but his family constantly asked and made references to us having children that I was starting to find unbearable. He talked with his parents and it has been soo much better not to have the questions looming that I can actually enjoy being at their house. As for friends, I was very quiet about stuff for a while and just was so overwhelmed by the emotions that i needed some more support. I only told a few select people though and it is still nice to be able to go out with people who have no idea sometimes. It's like a mental break every once in a while. I think it's about what's right for you...

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