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June 2012 Moms
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Just need to whine for a minute...

caeraRosecaeraRose member
in June 2012 Moms

There isn't really anyone that I can/want to say this to in person, but I've been needing to get it out... 

DD is going to be 2 months next week, and I am so happy that she's growing up to be so strong and healthy, and she seems like an incredibly happy baby, and I'm really glad that things are going so well. Of course we have our moments, but for the most part everything is great. One of my favorite parts of being a mother is when I've set her down for a bit for whatever reason, and when I come back and she sees me come into view she gets this great big smile. It makes me feel AWESOME that she likes me that much.

 That being said, sometimes I see everything that is so great about her life, and I feel kind of miserable that I never got to experience any of it. I was given up for adoption three days after birth, and my folks (adopted folks) have of course told me about how awful it was raising me, especially as a baby. They kind of make it sound like everything that could go wrong, did go wrong, and while I'm sure some of it was just that each baby is different, I also think that it's because I went through a pretty major trauma.

I'm so glad that I can make my daughter's life better than mine, don't get me wrong. I would never, ever wish any of that on her. But it's tough, thinking about all of it. Even how when she was born, she recognized my voice right away, and recognized the song that I had sung to her all through my pregnancy... And I'm sure I recognized my BM's voice, but I only got a few days with her, and then I didn't see her again until I was 20. I never got the advantages of being breastfed, I never got to bond with the mother and father that I heard in the womb... I didn't even know I had an older sister until I was practically an adult.

Ugh... Just feeling bad for myself, I guess. Does this make me a terrible mother, for doting on everything that I didn't have, instead of just being happy that my daughter is doing so well?

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Re: Just need to whine for a minute...

  • mylittlesunshinemylittlesunshine member

    It doesn't make you a terrible mother. I too am adopted (adopted at 1 week old) and I think I had the opposite feelings. I had a sadness that my BM didn't get to experience everything about being a mother like I am getting to experience. Especially since my first (and second) was a little girl.  I haven't met my BM and don't know if I will decide I want to or not.

    Yes, I agree, be happy for what you have. You have a healthy daughter and loving family. You are getting to be probably what your BM only wished she could be to you when you were born.

    "Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."
    Goodbye little angel(7/22/2011)....see you in heaven
    Goodbye my second angel (9/18/2011)
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  • notfrancienotfrancie

    It most definitely does not make you a terrible mother.  I think one of the worst myths of motherhood is that you are supposed to suddenly stop having any negative feelings, especially in relation to your child, your own mother, and parenting.  

    This whole experience has been intensely emotional; I think it would be weird for you NOT to think about your own upbringing.  I also think it is really natural to compare your own life to that of your mother's and daughter's.  

    *hugs* 

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  • JessieCupcakeJessieCupcake member

    I agree with notfrancie. I think it is natural for you to reflect on your own childhood and upbringing now that you have a child.You are not a terrible mother. In fact, you sound like a wonderful mother.

    Have you ever considered going to a therapist to have someone to talk to? It may be good for you to let it all out and sort through your feelings. I say this as someone who goes every week and has for about 4 years now. It has helped me immensely.

    Of course venting here is good too. *hugs*

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  • caeraRosecaeraRose member

    Thanks, guys. =)

     I'm working on getting set up with a psychiatrist... I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder right after getting pregnant, so they couldn't medicate me until after DD was born. I'm sure that's aggravating my frustrations anyway. DH screwed up insurance, though, so I'm not covered until September 1st... I can't see anyone until coverage starts up again.

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