anybody co-parenting with a known donor?

jeymarley · August 2012

anything you would change?

anything you enjoy about the arrangement?

how was/is it for the non-carrying mom?

any advice? tips?

hlke · August 2012

I don't think there are any regulars on this board who have chosen that path.

We are using a known donor (although we're not pregnant yet) and have chosen to have the donor take on a special role in our future children's lives, but more akin to an uncle. He is married and plans to have kids of his own, who will be our child's bio half-sibs. All this will obviously unfold in the future, but I am glad we have had lots of open conversation about it ahead of time.

Have you read the Stephanie Brill book? The Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth. She has a chapter that discusses co-parenting arrangements and has some anecdotes and tips.

2moms2twins · August 2012

We know a few people who have done this - through our LGBT group and so far it had not worked out the greatest. Lots of things to work out and though they were all on board and all wanted what the same thing it's not been pretty. Seems to be lots of issue with the extended families like the Donors families - seems that he did not make it clear what his role was so there is flack and tension

In our state NV - this is a huge Legality loop hole and no matter what contract is signed if the Paternal grandparents wanted to fight for custody they could. so I would recommend what ever route you choose with co-parenting/donor to make sure you have legal assistance.

Jazibel · August 2012

We used a known donor, but are not co-parenting. He will be in our sons life, but more as an "uncle" with occassional contact.

Best of luck gathering information and on your TTC journey.

2moms2b · August 2012

We knew a couple that did co-parent. They were able to actually do it pretty successfully (well they were happy with the arrangement). The couple were the primary parents and the donor/co-parent had the child one weekend each month alone. This allowed him to see family, have daddy time etc. I do know that he was very upfront with his family about the situation and what the terms were. His family was very open minded and knew the moms as well so for them it was not a weird situation.

The moms and co-parent (the child referred to him as Pappa J) had dinner together one night a week so he had weekly set involvement time. The also involved him in weekend things that were planned like trips etc. If nothing was planned he would come by and take her to the park some days etc. They were also very honest with the child that she had a Pappa J and two mommies. He knew he would not be the primary parent and outside his dedicated time (they got this court ordered), they called the shots but were very flexible.

My biggest recommendation is just like pp to seek legal counsel prior to taking any steps forward to figure out what your and their rights are under the law regarding your situation and ask about grandparents rights too. Due to other situations I have seen if you decide the "uncle" role is better than a co-parent then I would seek a termination of parental rights for the donor. This will give him exactly the right of an uncle which are none.

jeymarley · August 2012

thank you all so much for your replies as you can see we are not TTC'n we are 32 weeks pregnant and honestly before we got pregnant he did not show much interest when asked what he wanted his role to be. we did however want him to be involved and this will be the first child for all of us involved and we are so glad he has decided he wants to be around. we do live in GA so all of the laws and court orders you all know of people in our situation having are not able for us to obtain. ga does not care about anything pertaining to LGBT people sadly. we are sure it will be tough getting adjusted to the routine we decide on but we just wanted to hear some positive stories. it is important to us that our son know his father and be able to spend time with him as he grows up. thank you again for your replies

2moms2b · August 2012

I think as long as all parties are on the same page and have open communication it will work out great! Best of luck and keep us posted.

2brides · August 2012

deleted - wrong thread...

TaylorandMel · August 2012

Kudos to anyone who is able to make that work successfully. I literally cannot imagine doing that. A friend of mine, (who is also gay and partnered) offered to donate sperm and co-parent with us. In our minds, that would be about the worst scenario we could imagine.

That reminds me of a child growing up with divorced parents, being passed back and forth, which in my mind is not usually the ideal situation that people are going for, but rather a set of unfortunate circumstances after people grow apart. That's how Mel grew up, and hated it. I'm sorry, if that comes off wrong to some (that's not what I'm going for), but seriously, we could not do that.

mypalbabs · August 2012

We are friends with a lesbian couple who co-parent quite successfully with the sperm donor and his partner. My friends refer to the donor and his partner as their daughters' dads. The arrangement is very successful. The girls, who are now 10 and 5, are very well-adjusted, bright, and a delight to spend time with. They have perfected the "it takes a village" philosophy.

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anybody co-parenting with a known donor?

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