Just like MIL to ruin a good thing...

peachmuffins · August 2012

Ok long story really short.... I live very close to my inlaws (not by choice) and my MIL inlaw owns a shop 5 minutes away from where I live so she has been watching the baby for me and my DH 3-4 days out of the week because I had to go back to work full time 4 weeks after having my baby. Everything has been going well and she loves the baby and takes good care of him, but a few problems are starting to surface and I'm trying to decide whether or not to put him in daycare instead.

The first problem is that she lets EVERYONE hold him. All the clients that come into the shop etc. Second she is so anti-immunizations that she sends me like 500 facebook links a day about "nautral news" and all this homeopathic stuff, which in in of itself isn't and issue but regardless he's getting his shots and she is FURIOUS with me because she thinks that dtap gave her son aspergers. Third she gives him stuff without asking me like putting probiotics in his bottle and some homeopathic thing to help with gas. She's also given him water without asking me too. Fourth when she talks to me she TELLS me what i need to do with the baby instead of just making suggestions and then gets irritated if i don't follow through.

I can afford daycare, the only reason he is not in daycare is because her and my FIL and SIL didn't want him to be in daycare and WANTED to watch him, it seemed to mean a lot to them and i figured it would be good for him to be around people that love him but i'm starting to feel like MIL is taking over my son as if it's her baby and that really bothers me. I am going to try to talk to her but history shows that trying to have a reasonable conversation with her has always ended in her getting super aggressive and angry. DH is useless when it comes to his mom so it will be me having the conversation.

I don't know... i'm just frustrated at this point and i think having the family overly involved is just going to cause more problems than it's worth.

jamiah18 · August 2012

That's a tough situation, and what's worse is that dh isn't backing you up! I'm preparing for a similar situation myself when I go back to work.

Its very nice that you have family to watch your lo. However, she isn't respecting your parenting decisions or even boundaries, for that matter. If i were you, id make my wishes known again and how important they are to you. After all, he is your child. If she can't respect them, then maybe it might be time for other options. I would also try try try to get dh to back you up.

Ps- my mil gave me the "all vaccines are evil" speech this weekend. I think she's evil, lol.

Good Luck.... I'm definitely rooting for ya!!!

giraffe54 · August 2012

I disagree with the previous poster that this is a tough situation (though I agree with everything else). It's not. Your MIL is actively disrespecting you as a parent and is trying to takeover your role as a parent. This will only get worse if she continues to watch your LO. The answer is simple: Daycare. Asking your MIL to follow your wishes won't work because you already have and she has chosen to disrespect you, and she will continue to do the same unless you show there are consequences to her actions.

I know a lot of folks here will give you the advice to suck it up because family matters and grandparents are soooo important in a child's life, but IMHO, asking the 'doormat' in a disrespectful relationship to suck it up is just plain wrong. Your LO can still have a great relationship with your in-laws as long as they shape up. If they can't bother to be decent to their grandchild's mother, then they are choosing to lose out on that time with their grandchild. It's on them, not you, to make this work.

FWIW, grandparents attempting to takeover the parenting roles is not a normal thing. It's a dysfunctional thing. In a healthy family, a true grandparent's role is to support the parents and love the LO. That's it. When I told my mom that my LO was having gas issues, she sent me a website about probiotics. She will call and ask how LO is doing, but she has never once asked if I used probiotics once, and certainly never pushed the issue, because it's not her business! That is normal advice. Yelling at you about vaccines is f*ing creepy.

strawberrytree · August 2012

giraffe54:
I disagree with the previous poster that this is a tough situation (though I agree with everything else). It's not. Your MIL is actively disrespecting you as a parent and is trying to takeover your role as a parent. This will only get worse if she continues to watch your LO. The answer is simple: Daycare. Asking your MIL to follow your wishes won't work because you already have and she has chosen to disrespect you, and she will continue to do the same unless you show there are consequences to her actions.
I know a lot of folks here will give you the advice to suck it up because family matters and grandparents are soooo important in a child's life, but IMHO, asking the 'doormat' in a disrespectful relationship to suck it up is just plain wrong. Your LO can still have a great relationship with your in-laws as long as they shape up. If they can't bother to be decent to their grandchild's mother, then they are choosing to lose out on that time with their grandchild. It's on them, not you, to make this work.
FWIW, grandparents attempting to takeover the parenting roles is not a normal thing. It's a dysfunctional thing. In a healthy family, a true grandparent's role is to support the parents and love the LO. That's it. When I told my mom that my LO was having gas issues, she sent me a website about probiotics. She will call and ask how LO is doing, but she has never once asked if I used probiotics once, and certainly never pushed the issue, because it's not her business! That is normal advice. Yelling at you about vaccines is f*ing creepy.

I totally agree. Your MIL is being incredibly disrespectful to you. I think you need to tell MIL flat out that the arrangement is not working out for you due to x, y, and z. Are there open spots in a daycare nearby?

She sounds like a nightmare to deal with, honestly. Good luck.

jamiah18 · August 2012

giraffe54:
I disagree with the previous poster that this is a tough situation though I agree with everything else. It's not. Your MIL is actively disrespecting you as a parent and is trying to takeover your role as a parent. This will only get worse if she continues to watch your LO. The answer is simple: Daycare. Asking your MIL to follow your wishes won't work because you already have and she has chosen to disrespect you, and she will continue to do the same unless you show there are consequences to her actions.I know a lot of folks here will give you the advice to suck it up because family matters and grandparents are soooo important in a child's life, but IMHO, asking the 'doormat' in a disrespectful relationship to suck it up is just plain wrong. Your LO can still have a great relationship with your inlaws as long as they shape up. If they can't bother to be decent to their grandchild's mother, then they are choosing to lose out on that time with their grandchild. It's on them, not you, to make this work.FWIW, grandparents attempting to takeover the parenting roles is not a normal thing. It's a dysfunctional thing. In a healthy family, a true grandparent's role is to support the parents and love the LO. That's it. When I told my mom that my LO was having gas issues, she sent me a website about probiotics. She will call and ask how LO is doing, but she has never once asked if I used probiotics once, and certainly never pushed the issue, because it's not her business! That is normal advice. Yelling at you about vaccines is fing creepy.

I feel i need to defend my comment...I think it's a tough situation because you are dealing with family and you are doing it w/o your husband's support. While some might see it as a cut and dry situation I feel that family matters are sometimes a bit more sensitive. That's just my opinion though: although I do wish I could deal with my mil in a more cut and dry manner, I have a difficult time doing that. I guess I need to grow a stronger backbone to deal with her lol.

TnG05 · August 2012

I read the whole thing but honestly after point #3 he would be going to day care especially if you can afford it. It is not ok for her to give your son stuff without your permission and some will say you never know what they are doing at daycare but I honestly don't think you'll have that problem.

It sucks that your DH is useless, I'm not sure what it is with son and their mothers...I'm really praying that my future DIL won't say that about our son whenever that time comes many many years from now.

Oh and it's your child, which you know, so in my book it doesn't matter that the "her and my FIL and SIL didn't want him to be in daycare". Surely your husband has thoughts on this and but more than likely he's saying let them watch him. I would probably sign him up for a few days a weeks just to let her know that you aren't ok with what she's doing and that you'll have no problem with him going full-time.

mylittlesunshine · August 2012

Personally I feel that while it is nice of your MIL (or your parents) to watch your child, I feel that by doing so crosses that grandparent/caregiver boundary. My MIL would totally take over if I agreed to let her watch our children while I went to work. It just wouldn't sit well with me. I would be to afraid that she wouldn't take the caregiver hat off when she was done...plus I feel that she too would do things that would make me uncomfortable.

I would have a heart to heart with your MIL (don't stand behind your husband as he does it). Sometimes MIL's need to hear it from you directly. As your child's mother, you need to learn to stand up to what makes you uncomfortable when it comes to your children (even if it means making people upset). If she can't learn to follow your rules, make it simple and tell her that you will put lo in daycare.

ETA: FWIW my DD's go to daycare (inhome) and our provider loves them like she would her own children. Just because someone who isn't family is watching your lo, doesn't mean they won't "love" them like family would. It is all about finding the right provider for your family.

AshleyT121 · August 2012

If I were in your shoes, with the details you've given here, my LO would be going to daycare. It's not up to anyone else to decide what's best for your child and I'd be beyond angry.

I know that it can get sticky with MILs though. I have 2 (my FIL is remarried)... so I feel your frustration.

glowworm0166 · August 2012

Seems to me like you need to have a conversation with her about all of these issues. If they don't change and you aren't happy with the way she is handling your baby then put him in daycare and don't feel bad about it. You are the parent, not her.

rubber_chicken · August 2012

The woman gives your 2 month old baby probiotics, homeopathic who-knows-what, and WATER??? That's just downright DANGEROUS! I'd be scared to leave my baby with anyone like that. Go with daycare.

notfrancie · August 2012

My MIL also has really bad boundaries, and recently after a nasty game of Tug-O-Baby, my SIL gave me some good advice. In the kindest way possible, ("I noticed there was some tension..." or, "I hope you can not take this personally") state your needs and feelings. Try to toss her a bone where you can ("I know your intentions are good") but remember that... a) you have a right to your needs and feelings and b) you are the mom, and you know what is best for your child.

If you are doing this (being as kind and direct as you can), you are NOT RESPONSIBLE, nor can you control your MIL's feelings or reactions. I know that you don't want to rock the boat, but you have to advocate for your kid. You can't possibly control your MIL's reaction (especially if she is daft enough to add stuff to his bottle without your permission). All you can do is control the way you present it to her. If she can't get on board after you approach her in a sensible, considerate way, then RUN to your nearest daycare.

If it is any consolation I think my DH's apron strings are made of iron. Take care of yourself and LO and trust he will fall into line.

daisy080187 · August 2012

I would definitely put him daycare. I kinda have the same issue with my MIL she undermines everything I say & think she knows best. I tell her not to do something or to do something a certain way when she's taking care of LO & she'll just do what she wants or argues with me over it...& than gets mad when I put my foot down...if you can't trust her to respect your choices & to stop putting crap in your LO's bottle I'd stick your LO in daycare & tell her exactly why your doing it. I'm not into the "natural herb anti-immunizations" crap. If somebody anybody even my own mother was putting stuff into my child's bottle without my blessing that would be the last time they'd watch him.

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