Married to the NCP who has holiday visitation ...

HisChamaoleGirl · August 2012

I am the SM in the above situation and I was wondering if you as the SM keep in touch with your SC in between visits. I have my own relationship with SS but I am not always around when DH makes his calls to SS.

Would you or do you as the SM call your SC without your DH?

And BMs, how would you feel if the SM called your DC in between visit?

kllrbnny · August 2012

Personally, I wouldn't be having it if she called on her own. He's over there EOWE, EOHoliday and 6 weeks in the summer. Plus (and probably more importantly) ever since BD lost in court, then tried to get a retrial (during which he wrongly alleged that I deny him phone time), he's been insisting on calling every single day.

I don't mind if she talks to DS during BD's calls.

If it weren't for the atrociousness of BD and if she saw DS less, I can't see objecting to the occassional phone call from SM.

Bottom line, I'd ask BM about it and have an idea in mind of how often you want to call and for how long.

CFjo2010 · August 2012

My answer as a BM: I wish my children's SM had contact with them between visits. They only see their father once a year, and I wish someone out there gave a damn about the kids and maintained a relationship with them. I would be open to her calling once a week to chat. If you're not around when your husband calls, ask if you can talk with LO when you get home for a few minutes. I think it's important for the kids involved to feel loved and accepted by all the adults.

My answer as a SM: If the child wants attention from you, then you should give it. We have K about 40%, and between visits I see her at school every day. My daughter and I will walk over to her class each morning to say "hello" and my husband and I alternate volunteering in her class (as well as my daughter's) each week. K is really happy and excited when we're there and I think it helps her feel more involved with us even though she's not at our house everyday.

Ginlyn0 · August 2012

I typically don't talk to my SKs in between visits unless they are on the phone with DH. I don't call BM's house at all so I think I would feel strange calling without DH even though BM and I are friendly. Now, once they have their own phones I will probably talk to them in between.

I honestly can't say if DD talks to her SM in between visits frequently. DD has her own pay as you go cell phone and she is allowed to talk to family only on it and it's a phone that her grandmother on her dad's side pays for & monitors. I wouldn't care if SM called the home phone or my cell and asked to talk to DD. I encourage DD to have a good relationship with her SM and have reminded her to call SM on Mother's Day in the past so I know she has at least talked to her then in between visits.

CFjo2010 · August 2012

gin9874:

I typically don't talk to my SKs in between visits unless they are on the phone with DH. I don't call BM's house at all so I think I would feel strange calling without DH even though BM and I are friendly. Now, once they have their own phones I will probably talk to them in between.

I honestly can't say if DD talks to her SM in between visits frequently. DD has her own pay as you go cell phone and she is allowed to talk to family only on it and it's a phone that her grandmother on her dad's side pays for & monitors. I wouldn't care if SM called the home phone or my cell and asked to talk to DD. I encourage DD to have a good relationship with her SM and have reminded her to call SM on Mother's Day in the past so I know she has at least talked to her then in between visits.

The bolded made me smile. I think it's great that you have your DD call SM on Mother's Day. I wish more BM's did this.

twister22 · August 2012

I would talk to the BM about it. If she doesn't care, then go for it.

Also, I would ask your DH to make more of those calls when you're around.

There's no SM in our situation so how I'm not quite sure how I would feel. I would probably think that SM should talk to DS when BD calls, and there's no reason for multiple phone calls.

FutureMrsDrew73110 · August 2012

Neither side really calls to talk to the kids on a daily/weekly basis. During school we have EOWE but we also see them every Tuesday for religion and scouts and every Thursday for swimming. During the summer we have them EOW. I will say though if there is an issue during the school year, BM will usually text us to tell us what occurred and we set up a time for a phone call/Facetime later to speak with that child. And if a child asks to speak with the other parent (or step-parent) a phone call is always made.

karleegirl · August 2012

I would never mind if sm called. She loves my son and is a parent figure. (She doesn't try to be his mom either.)

Holly_1007 · August 2012

eh I may get flamed for this, but I figured OP, you need a variety of opinions, and in reality it completely depends on your situation.

In our situation, BM and I do not talk anymore. I put forth a great deal of effort to befriend her in the beginning, knowing its what was best for SD, and have gotten nothing but completely burned by her, threatened by her, harassed by her etc. I do not entertain phone calls from her. If she needs to reach SD/DH and no one is answering their phones I let her leave a voicemail on my phone and then address the situation. I NEVER call her. In an absolute emergency I think I might text her. So me, personally, I would never feel comfortable enough calling BM's house to talk to SD.

BM calls SD every.single.solitary.morning. that we have her. even if she is seeing her 2 hours later. it is honestly quite obnoxious, and half the time SD doesn't want to talk to her.

DH talks to SD every other day, sometimes she asks to talk to me, and we chat for a minute or two, sometimes she asks to talk to DS (that is quite comical) typically DH makes the phone calls when we are all together (right after dinner usually) as we have found that works best for everyone.

So I'm not sure your relationship with BM, or if your SS has access to his own cell phone etc, but try to talk to your DH and ask him to make the calls when you are around. SS might not want to talk to you every time though..

fellesferie · August 2012

When DS is w/ XH and I get him on the phone, I try to make sure he has a chance to talk to me, DH, & DD.

If he had a SM who wanted to talk to him, I'd be happy to put him on the phone with her.

CurlyQ284 · August 2012

I don't talk to them much on the phone between visits. DH usually calls them when he's driving. When I am around, convos are usually short, the kids get bored being on the phone and quit paying attention to DH when he's talking so I let him have all the time. I send them a package at least once a month, little cards and stuff. DH travels for work and I send the souvenirs he bought them and I print a map showing where he went. I send packages for all holidays, Halloween, VDay, St. Patty's Day etc. I communicate more through notes/letters/packages.

michelle04us · August 2012

As a SM I do not call my SD without FI. This is because BM and I do not get along very well and I believe she would see it as trying to take K's attention away from her.

As a BM I do not mind that my X's FI calls my DS because she was a very good parent figure while my DS was living with them. My X was just in jail for 3 months and she called about once a week just so DS could talk to his little brother. (They live in a different state and haven't seen each other since March.) The only problem I've ever had with her is that she posted my cell # on DS's uncles page where anyone can see it. Other than that I'm happy she will someday be my DS's SM. For awhile they were all living with her parents and they would even call me if things were happening that I needed to know about that they were afraid would not be told to me by X and her.

FutureMrsWittig · August 2012

I don't call SD when she is at her mom's. I used to, but sometimes she gets upset and says how much she misses us, and it just ends up upsetting her a lot.

jkacera15 · August 2012

I can't say I have ever contacted BM on my own just to speak with the SC. DH calls every once in a while if we don't see them for 3-4 days or more. In our situation though we have them almost 50% of the time and we feel that when they are with BM, we don't want to interrupt all of their time just like we wish for the same in return unless there are milestones happening or its been a few days. I have contacted BM by text before with information from girl scout meetings or losing teeth etc....but thats obviously when SC are with us and DH is working or just doesn't have the information I have. I only speak to them on phone if he calls them or if they are calling us to tell us something. I do believe if he only had them EOW though we would speak on the phone more often.

magsugar13 · August 2012

Well, I guess that would depend on their relationship. If my child really liked her I wouldnt mind at all, al long as it wasnt everyday. If my child had a rocky relationship I guess i may feel differently.

I think it say A LOT about the SM that she desires to talk to my children and would show me that she cares about them. What else could you want from a sp?

HisChamaoleGirl · August 2012

twister22:

I would talk to the BM about it. If she doesn't care, then go for it.

Also, I would ask your DH to make more of those calls when you're around.

There's no SM in our situation so how I'm not quite sure how I would feel. I would probably think that SM should talk to DS when BD calls, and there's no reason for multiple phone calls.

Because of the time difference, school schedule and SS sports DH calls around 3am our time when he is on his way to work. The only time during the day that DH and I are around eachother it would not be an appropriate time to call SS. I miss being at our old duty station where we were only 2 hours different. Well technically it was two hours and a day but whatever. I guess we could try and do a three way call so we could all be on the phone at one time.

HisChamaoleGirl · August 2012

FutureMrsWittig:

I don't call SD when she is at her mom's. I used to, but sometimes she gets upset and says how much she misses us, and it just ends up upsetting her a lot.

This happens when DH calls SS and I have noticed the same thing happens when SS is with us when he talks to his mom. I feel bad that SS feels torn in between his two homes. I just thought if there were more phone calls then it would be easier for him to transition between visitation.

HisChamaoleGirl · August 2012

magsugar13:

Well, I guess that would depend on their relationship. If my child really liked her I wouldnt mind at all, al long as it wasnt everyday. If my child had a rocky relationship I guess i may feel differently.

I think it say A LOT about the SM that she desires to talk to my children and would show me that she cares about them. What else could you want from a sp?

This is the way I look at the situation. Would she rather me not talk to her child for the ten months in between visitation? I personally would want to know that my child has a relationship with the person that he will be in the care of for two consecutive months.

When I call BM if she is with SS she will just hand him the phone to answer. If he is not with her she will either answer the call or send me a text message saying where he is. I havent received a negative response from her about calling him on my own but I think that is because he is older now and she is aware that I am not "trying to take her place." Honestly, I would never try to because that is not a competition I would have a chance in. SS has a mother and I just see myself as an additional adult figure that loves him and wants nothing but the best for him in life.

HisChamaoleGirl · August 2012

Thank you for all of the responses ladies! I wanted to specifically point out that we only have summer visitation and every other Christmas. If we shared 50/50 time with SS I would agree with some of you in saying that calling during BMs time would be interupting.

Thank you again for the wonderful advice.

NewMoM2Be10 · August 2012

i as a SM.. call my SS's when they are away they are supposed to go EOWE but they dont my SS's dont want to.. they go like once or twice a month.. because i love n miss them.. they are always gonna be my kiddos even though they arent biologically mine.. because they need to know that we're there for them even if they arent with us.. and i call once if he doesnt answer i text and then they just reply... and im okay with that.. because i know they feel loved and wanted.. and when they are with us BM only texts once a week.. maybe... and that sux cause the younger one im sure misses her hes only 12.. but its tough to see that she dont care. so i try to give them the love and respect they deserve..

jnjmommy0609 · August 2012

For myself it really depends on the person and how they were with my son. My ex was married (had it annulled) to this girl that I actually really liked and my son loved. If she wanted to speak with him once a week I would have had no problem.

As a BM I would really appreciate being asked first though and then if I said no I would expect you to respect that choice no matter what.

wright129 · August 2012

As a SM, I call BM to talk to SD without DH, but BM and I have a pretty good relationship (well, we are working on it, it didnt used to be good. but now it is) - We have SD EOW, so we dont call too often, usually one or two calls during the week we dont have her. I didnt call on my own before we got along though, but now I think I talk to BM more than DH does...

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