I just need to know that it's okay.

bigbootyjudi · August 2012

So, breastfeeding has been a challenge to say the least. I've posted about the troubles we've been having, but if you're not up to speed, here's a quick run down: breastfed/latched just fine first two days, dehydrated on day three - pedi had me give LO a bottle of formula, then pump bottles for the rest of the day, LO never latched back on, would just flail and scream at the breast, saw an LC - she couldn't get him to latch on either.

Here we are now, on day 12, and I've given up. I haven't tried to latch him on in two days because it's just emotionally and mentally draining (for me and for him) to watch him scream and flail about at my breast for five minutes before he stops breathing (it's a quirky little habit he's developed, to hold his breath in the middle of a hard crying session). I've come to terms with the fact that exclusively pumping will be my life now and I guess I just need to know that it's okay. I don't like pumping; it's inconvenient, takes twice as long to get back to bed in the middle of the night, etc. but at the same time, it ensures that he's getting breastmilk (which was the most important thing to me in deciding to breastfeed) and enough of it so that he doesn't get dehydrated again. I kind of like that I can monitor exactly how much breastmilk he is getting and that SO can help me out by feeding him a bottle or two throughout the afternoon, but those are about the only perks.

I'm okay with exclusively pumping, I guess, but everyone around me isn't. I have a co-worker who is a really big breastfeeding advocate and keeps asking me how it's going. When I told her that I'm pumping, she gave me this big long lecture on how I should keep trying and that he'll go back on eventually. This is the same conversation with my mom, who feels the need to ask me whether he has latched back on every day, and with a few of my other friends that breastfeed too. When I talk or respond to them, I feel like I'm doing something wrong, like they think I'm just being lazy not latching him on or that I didn't try hard enough, which makes me second guess myself.

I'm definitely not lazy. That's not the reason. I just cannot even explain how it feels to watch him, arms in the air, face red, screeching at the top of his lungs, with my nipple in his mouth. With that and his fits in the middle of the night where he fights sleeping and wants to scream about that, I just cannot mentally handle it all. I don't want to make life harder for the both of us if it doesn't need to be, especially at 3am when we're both exhausted. I guess I just need to know that the decision to EP is okay...that I'm no less of a mother, not lazy, that I'm still giving him what he needs.

If you read all of this, thank you - and thanks to all of you ladies who have been keeping up with us throughout this rough week and a half.

byrne15 · August 2012

You are his mother....and you know best.

Don't ever feel guilty because of the way you feed your baby.

Daniellekrista · August 2012

Plenty of people EP. Do what is best for you and your LO. Judgy people can shove it.

VolFanRN · August 2012

Bless your heart - you have certainly had a tough start there. I say make the best with what you have to work with and if pumping is what gets your baby BM then go with it. If trying to latch makes things worse and makes feeding a negative experience then I think it is best to stick with what is working. EPing is very difficult and takes a big commitment, but it sounds like you are able to do that given how much you are trying!

Keep your head up and do what works best for you and your baby!!!

MoFree · August 2012

I am in a similar situation where Lila does not get a good latch and screams from frustration. Yes, pumping is twice the effort of BF but it's what!s best for baby.
Is there a polite way to tell your co worker to shove it. It is none of her business how your baby is fed.
It is not only OK to EP but you should feel really proud of yourself for persisting

latnprincess · August 2012

Your baby. Your decision. Your business. People need to not worry about it. He's still getting fed and taken care of. Sorry but that just rubs me the wrong way that people would make you feel bad about that.

mrs mosby · August 2012

I EP'd with my first because she had a horrible latch no matter what I did. It was a lot of work but it was important to me that she got BM. You are his mother and you know best. Tell everyone to mind their own business.

mrsrobyno · August 2012

You are doing GREAT!!!!! Ignore what other people say and go with your gut. Everyone had opinions during all of our pregnancies about what we should eat, how we should dress, if you should have that cup of coffee, etc.... screw them!

You know what's best for YOU and for your little one, both physically and mentally. I totally agree with you.... as long as he is getting what he needs, then you are good and he is too!

While my LO is still not here, I know there is an uphill road I am going to battle, and I appreciate SO MUCH that you are sharing your experience with all of us. It certainly hasn't been easy for you, and I have often heard people say that being a mother is the hardest and most rewarding thing you can do in life. Pick your battles- if EP is the best solution, go with it, if you feel like you want to try BF again, go for it! BUT... only YOU can make the decision about what is best for you and your LO. I wish you the best of luck and I look forward to hearing more about your experience and sharing my own.

YOU ARE DOING AN AWESOME JOB MOMMY.... Don't let anyone tell you or make you feel differently!

Hugs to you!!!!!!! Right Hug

ilovelife · August 2012

I ep'd with ds for 8 1/2 months! He caught rsv and had to be hospitalized at 2 months. I asked the nurses station if they could store my bm since they had a refrigerator (there was no other way to store it at the hospital) and one nurse gave me a lng lecture about how I'm wasting my time pumping, how formula feeding is so much easier, etc. i just shrugged it off.

I also caught flack from my parents and grandparents. They are very anti-bm (i think bm was viewed as dirty when they had kids). I just ignored them and plan on doing it again this time.

Just ignore everyone's opinions. You know your child best...please don't let anyone influence you!

nattlynn6 · August 2012

I had the same problem luckily my daughter latched after about a week of 10 minute long screaming sessions before she ate. You are definitely a great mom & here's the thing, its not working now doesn't mean its not working for forever. I went to my lactation consultant 2 weeks ago in tears with cracked nipples & a very sick baby on an IV bc I wasn't giving her what she needed from the breast & she told me she has seen woman start EBF at 2 months! take a break! if your emotionally spent so is he. Try EP for a week and when your feeling sane & relaxed offer him the boob if it works it works if not then hey, hes still getting YOUR milk!. Just remember you ARE giving him whats best there is nothing to be upset over. I found once I said to myself "hey this is OK I can pump I am still giving her what she needs and screw everyone else" I relaxed alot and my LO got more comfortable with me. Good luck!

mindymaske · August 2012

OMG do not let ppl make you feel bad. You are giving you LO breast milk, and thats whats important. Who cares how its delivered?

I am ff and pumping breast milk. I was worried about not being able to monitor LO input and jsut felt uncomfortable with breastfeeding in general, but I wanted my LO to have breast milk too. So pumping is working for us. My daughter Scarlet is having about 1/2 formula an 1/2 breastmilk. I think it will be more breast milk later on once I get my supply up.

You mentioned that monitoring the input is a perk to pumping. I also find that other ppl being able to feed LO is a HUGE perk. Daddy does about half of the feedings and I really think it has aided in their bonding

babyike · August 2012

First... (((HUGS)))

Second... you ARE NOT less of a mother for EPing over BFing. You are choosing what is best for the BOTH of you, and that makes you a wonderful and nurturing mother IMO.

Third... EPing is not lazy. Not even close. It takes considerably longer, can be more difficult to keep up with, and shows a true commitment to providing your LO with your breast milk.

I'm so sorry that you've been having such a rough start as a FTM, but just know that like all things... this too shall pass Hang in there, and just keep doing what is working best for both you and your baby.

bakerchick81 · August 2012

You are doing an amazing job and whats best for your baby. Everyone else can kiss your bootie. I know what you're going through as this happened to me with my first son, he just could not latch no matter how hard we tried. Keep doing what your doing and remember your amazing.

fastcarsandfreedom3319 · August 2012

This is me too. I just had our son on Thursday and the first two days he was fine, then the doctors got into my head that he wasn't getting enough so we supplemented formula. Now he doesn't want anything to do with it. So we are exclusively pumping too. You're not alone, it just doesn't work for everyone unfortunately. And for me, breastfeeding was very painful because my son's suck is just too strong for me--and don't discount the stress it puts on you as a mother, being the only one who can feed the baby. It's actually helped a lot to give up some of that responsibility so I can get some much needed rest as well.

EWilday · August 2012

I am so sorry that you are going through this and I can 100 percent say I am going through the exact same thing. I cried as I read your post because you were writing my story too. I have been so mad at my body for not working right when it should and HAVING to start her on a bottle. My LO does the same thing. I hold her to my breast and she screams bloody murder. I am going to the LC tomorrow and if I get any new advice I'll send you a PM. Please know you are NOT a bad mommy and you are definitely not alone. If you ever need/want to vent about this please don't hesitate to pm me....I'd be happy to commiserate.

bearthebear · August 2012

You are doing great. Hang in there. You sound so amazingly strong.

texasmeg1 · August 2012

I am feeling the exact same way... I could have written this post myself. However I am having to supplement w/ formula bc I can only get a1.5 oz at a time when I pump. So we feed every 3 hours during the day and 4 hours at night. If I have the 2.5-3oz of BM that LO seems to be wanting, we will give it to her. But the other times we give formula and I pump. Twice the effort but such a great reward. DH is able to bond during the feeds and feeding is quick (usually?)

AprilAngie · August 2012

Seriously- props to you for Epumping! You are my hero! That is hard work. I have breastfeed all my kids - currently doing #4 and serioulsy that is hard work to pump than to breastfeed!

As pp said tell everyone to shove it! you know what as long as mama is happy and ok - baby will be fine!!!!!!!!!!!

bigbootyjudi · August 2012

All of you ladies really save me sometimes. I don't know what I'd do without all of you to vent and relate to.

I bought a nipple shield a few hours ago and when DS wakes up in about an hour, we're going to try it. I'm not putting a lot of pressure on myself and I'm not very optimistic, but it's worth a shot. I'd really just like to get to the point where I don't have to pump throughout the night because that, to me, is the most tiring part about EPing...that instead of going right back to sleep when he does, I have to stay up for an extra 30 minutes pumping and cleaning pump parts. I'll let you guys know how it goes or if I find some miraculous trick to getting this job done.

To all the ladies going through the same thing, we'll make it through. At least we're still getting our LO's breast milk, even though some of you are only able to give some...it's better than none! I think the comment that sunk in most for me was:

byrne15:
You are his mother....and you know best.

Don't ever feel guilty because of the way you feed your baby.

I've been repeating this to myself all day. Thank you, byrne. Thank you to all of you ladies again.

beckyfarrelly · August 2012

You are doing what is best for you and baby. Don't ever feel bad about that. I have to EP as well because my son just wants the instant gratification and won't latch. I still try everyday. If it works that time, great, and if not, I won't stress about it. In the end he's still getting BM. Ppl need to mind their own business because all their comments do is stress you out.

BabyG813 · August 2012

Ambsies:
Tell your co-worker and your mom to shove it. Okay, maybe that's a bit harsh- but you are doing everything you can and their guilt is not making the situation any easier.
I know what you're going through. My issue wasn't latch, it was supply. I tried everything to make it work- pumping a minimum of 12x a day and taking Fenugreek. Eventually my supply was so bad it just wasn't worth the effort of pumping anymore- it was emotionally draining for me.
I am sorry that you're dealing with all of this.
It doesn't matter how your baby is fed- breast, formula, pumped milk... as long as your baby is fed it's no one's business how that happens.
Good luck.

Pretty much this, exactly. It IS ok. You have been such a total rockstar champion in all of your persistence and dedication. You're awesome. You're doing what is best for you and your baby. Best best best of luck going forward.

abbzy85 · August 2012

I EPed for my twins for 11 months. They were preemies and grew big and strong and were always healthy. EPing is a big commitment and deciding to EP is NOT lazy! Don't listen to anyone who tries to get you down.

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