I quit.... this is just too much

lily_721 · August 2012

BM has been scheming with SS1. Now that all of the school clothes and supplies have been purchased, he wants to move to his mom's. This woman pays nothing towards his well being (no CS and doesn't visit or request visitation). We just renovated the basement for him (new furniture, walls, paint, etc).

She fed SS1 with a sh!tfull of lies about DH and how he didn't provide for them and owes her money from their divorce fifteen years ago (see earlier posting). She allowed her XH to beat the boys and he is now in jail but somehow SS1 ignores this and thinks nothing is BM's fault.

I'm so mad about all of this. Their phones are blocked from her. If that doesn't work, then I will block all #s besides myself and DH. She will only have supervised calling time when DH is home. Or DH can start paying this bill. I'm not paying to have this crap brought into my life.

lily_721 · August 2012

He had to be commited to a hospital last year due to the stress of his X-SF being released from jail. Guess who told him? BM. In a text. While he was at school. He was there for three weeks. She never called to find out how he was doing or cared about anything. Guess who paid the bill? Me. $6000. Braces? Me. BM $0. DH doesn't pay it. I do.

I am so unbelievably mad about all of this. I'm not his mom and I don't pretend I am. But I am really tired of sacrificing my life and my finances only to have it thrown in my face

I am tired of DH feeling we have to prove that SS1's life is better here. I have spent hours every week at his school to keep him on track and he is supposed to graduate this year (after failing 2x while living with BM). We were prepared to send him to college next year. I am so done with all of this.

Thank god that I see my therapist tomorrow morning.

Moschic31 · August 2012

So sorry you are dealing with this. Truly. Kids are in a tough spot when it comes to patents. They WANT to believe both parents have their best interest at heart even when we as adults recognize that the grass isn't greener on the other side. Luck to you.

Nineoceans · August 2012

It does sound like you are a little burnt out. Maybe it would be a good thing for SS to live with BM for a year to learn the grass isn't always greener he sounds like he's old enough that he could appreciate a lesson like this.

On the other hand I hope you know kids with dysfunctional families want to go where they feel theyre needed not where they can just be a kid. It's a weird, sad thing but he probably wants to go "protect" or help Bm because something in her life is falling apart.

I can't imagine any kid would want to voluntarily switch homes/schools in their senior year of HS. Don't take this as a personal assault on you from SS, see it as you feel bad that he is in this position and is feeling somehow responsible for making sure she's ok versus what the dynamic should be. I'd also get him into a GOOD counselor ASAP. Someone who works intensively with family of origin. He will not be able to flourish and succeed in his own life of he's always worrying about her.

Holly_1007 · August 2012

I've got to agree with ninoceans. It might not be that he thinks the grass is greener on the other side (although, as a teen that COULD be the case) clearly BM is feeding into his delusion.

Glad you are in therapy, seems like you are really stressed right now.

some day SS will look back on all the things you and DH did for him and thank you. it probably won't be tomorrow. maybe not until he has teenagers of his own. but he will.

When does school start? is it possible for him to spend a week or two with BM before school starts? kids are pretty perceptive and good at telling the truth when confronted with it... just a thought...

socloudy99 · August 2012

Nineoceans:

It does sound like you are a little burnt out. Maybe it would be a good thing for SS to live with BM for a year to learn the grass isn't always greener he sounds like he's old enough that he could appreciate a lesson like this.

On the other hand I hope you know kids with dysfunctional families want to go where they feel theyre needed not where they can just be a kid. It's a weird, sad thing but he probably wants to go "protect" or help Bm because something in her life is falling apart.

I can't imagine any kid would want to voluntarily switch homes/schools in their senior year of HS. Don't take this as a personal assault on you from SS, see it as you feel bad that he is in this position and is feeling somehow responsible for making sure she's ok versus what the dynamic should be. I'd also get him into a GOOD counselor ASAP. Someone who works intensively with family of origin. He will not be able to flourish and succeed in his own life of he's always worrying about her.

All of the bolded times 1000. It is very true because I lived it. Take a break! This is all stressful. You do sound burnt out. You are doing what is best for SS and he will know and reconize it one day.

lily_721 · August 2012

School starts next week. There is not enough time for a visit. She has not asked for any visitation in over a year with either boy. She claims she doesn't have any money but somehow can find it for SS1 to live there?

twister22 · August 2012

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Is it possible to re-work the budget so that DH pays for his kid instead of you? It sounds like that would relieve a little bit of your frustration (not much, but a little is better than nothing.)

Maybe have DH sit down and have a serious talk with him. If he has failed to graduate twice but is set to graduate this year, wouldn't that make him almost 20? Or is he the typical senior but just failed classes his sophomore and junior years? If he is two years older, that may be extremely embarrassing for him and he thinks if he lives at BM's he can skip school? If that's the case, I would look into him finishing out his last year online, or through a work program if his HS offers that.

FutureMrsWittig · August 2012

Hope you find some peace today.

FriskyPanda · August 2012

Have you considered separate finances? We don't do it, but I've considered it in the past. I ended up having a come to jesus talk with H, which seemed to have helped.

PnkDingo · August 2012

Mostly a lurker here, so sorry if I'm out of place responding...

It seems like, since he failed twice while staying with BM already, that he should not have the option to stay with her for the school year. End of story.

ldmessing · August 2012

from what I understand, it is actually pretty common for a child to want to live with the "absent parent" once they reach the mid to late teen years.

NewMoM2Be10 · August 2012

my SS just moved over here in the past few months.. and i get it they missed their dad for 7 years.. but BM was the one hiding and everything. But there were times where they wanted to go back to BM and we told them if they go .. they go with nothing of what we got them. and that we arent going to pay for what BM is supposed to pay.. truly problem solved and they got pont. you need to seriously have a talk with your DH about this. what is his position on this situation?

best of luck

kescalera · August 2012

MelRC117:
Why doesn't your DH pay for it? I'm sorry I may get flamed for this but I'm not technically financially responsible for SS. Yes, I pay for meals, gifts, necessities, but overall I'm not his parent. He has a mom and a dad and they should support him.

Same goes in our house. While DH and I go halves on almost everything else I consider CS his absolutely. I did not make the choice to get knocked up in high school, etc. etc. Absolutely LOVE my SS and am happy to provide clothing, food,etc. as gifts but only as they fit into our regular life/budget. I have never felt like I "have to" buy him anything. In fact when he kept losing all the stuff I bought him for summer day camp last year I said I wouldn't replace any of it. Kid had to go swimming in shorts 2 sizes too small, no goggles, use a Safeway bag for lunches and drink out of the drinking fountain instead of using his new swim shorts & goggles (lost 1st week), lunch bag & water-bottle (lost 2nd week).

Wahoo · August 2012

lily_721:

She fed SS1 with a sh!tfull of lies about DH and how he didn't provide for them and owes her money from their divorce fifteen years ago (see earlier posting).

...Or DH can start paying this bill. I'm not paying to have this crap brought into my life.

I am wondering if these are really lies? Your DH is not providing for your SS when he is living under your roof (you are) - - why do you think he provided for SS when he was living with BM?

Your SS has a co-dependant relationship with his mom. Please don't blame him for being manipulated by her. I understand you feel used and unappreciated, but your SS grew up in dysfunction for many years. They say your mother will always be able to push your buttons - she is the one who set them up in the first place. I would feel sorry for him. His job is to go to school and prepare for the future - she didn't help him at all with that.

If you are feeling resentful about the money you are paying (or feel you are throwing down the drain), maybe it's time to cut the funding off. Let your DH pay for what he can afford, and after that he will have to come up with something else. If your SS isn't doing well in school, I wouldn't invest in a 4-year college right away. See how well he does in community college (lower cost) and after he graduates let him see what his options are. In many states, if you graduate from community college with a B average, you are guaranteed admission in a state school.

Also, if SS moves back with his mom - - his clothes and supplies stay at your house. You bought them for school, so he could be prepared for a year of working hard. He should have stuff from last year at his mom's house, and you did not spend good money on shiney new supplies so he could....cut class, not hand in assignments...whatever he did to fail last time....like he does when he lives with his mom.

magsugar13 · August 2012

All of the above!

I still want to know WHY you are paying all his bills and H is paying nothing? please explain!

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I quit.... this is just too much

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