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Adoption
greenteabee
member
What's appropriate vs whats not?
greenteabee
member
in Adoption
I'm just curious as to what you think is appropriate and what's not...
to ask if you can see their house? (As in, go to their house?)
to ask if you can meet their family?
Is it appropriate to invite them to your family events?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: What's appropriate vs whats not?
It really depends on the situation what is "appropriate." I will tell you, however, what my husband and I would be comfortable with.
Seeing our house: probably not. The home study felt invasive enough, and I wouldn't be comfortable with it before placement. I would be fine showing pictures and describing the neighborhood and even showing pics of the nursery. Once I had a relationship with the BM, I could see that changing, though. And definitely would be okay with it after placement.
Meet their family: Depends. Immediate family, like my other children? Absolutely. Mine and DH's parents? Probably. In our case maybe not because our parents live out of state. After placement, I would LOVE to have the BM and grandparents meet.
Invite them to family events: Before placement, it could be kind of weird. After placement, great idea.
I hope that helps. I don't know if you were talking about before or after placement, so I answered both.
I share Julie's sentiments.
Before placement is tough... we all feel vulnerable.... both Emoms and PAPs. Adoption is not for the feint of heart
I would want to know that their house is "better than i can offer" if that makes sense i know it sounds materialistic and I dont care. I have been offered to come to see the AP's home multiple times but times are rough and havent been able to make the 2 hour drive but I will before placement. Ive seen pics already.
It also depends on the level of contact your interested in as well as what the family is comfortable with.
If you want more of a relationship and they arent comfortable or find it wierd keep looking at other families...there is ALWAYS a family out there that is willing to be at the same "LEVEL" as you are!
Also, I havent done family gatherings etc because I wouldnt after placement.. Im only looking for a level of contact now (during pregnancy) that i would EXPECT after placement. Thats just something Im not okay with.
I didn't ask to see the AP's house, but they invited us over for dinner before my birthson was born. I'm glad they did. I did NOT inspect their house by any means (I wanted to see what was going to be the nursery, but I was too afraid to ask. So I did not go upstairs), but while I was there I did try to imagine my birthson crawling around, playing in the backyard etc. Their home felt like my childhood home and I could envision my birthson growing up there. I was not looking for fancy decor while I was there. I was just happy to step into their house and get the feeling of a real home full of love. For me it helped. It was not a must for me and would not of been a deal breaker if they had not invited us over. i'm just thankful they did.
I can understand wanting to see the home before hand. Seeing someone's home can help you get to know them and helps you imagine your baby living there.
If they had not invited us over, I would of been a little disappointed, but I don't know if I would of asked to see the house in fear that they would of felt like I was inspecting it- Just as PPs have said. I might of invited them over for dinner in hopes they would of reciprocated with an invitation to their own home. Or maybe you could ask them if they want to get together for dinner and say they are welcome to come to your house or you're happy to come to them...just to drop the idea in there for them to consider.
I don't think it's weird at all to want to see their house, I wouldn't place a baby with a family if I hadn't seen how they live. That personally just makes sense to me because I'd like to envision my baby's life with that specific family, home, and relatives. I would totally love for our son's mom to visit us at our house and see our lives, and to meet our family, come to birthdays, etc... someday hopefully!
This. X3.