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September 2012 Moms
Feeling Guilty About Naming LO
I had already decided to name LO Amy Jean (Amy is my mom's first name, Jean was my maternal grandmother's middle name, as well as SO's mother's middle name). It's tradition in my family to name your children after other family members. I couldn't imagine naming my daughter after stronger women. The name has pretty much been set in stone as soon as I mentioned it to my mother, and I feel the need to honor my maternal grandmother as well (she passed away earlier this year).
I keep telling myself SO will warm up to the name. My problem is this: he has always liked the name Ashley Marie for a girl. I feel guilty for not even considering the name he likes, and I'm worried when it comes time to finally meet LO I'm going to be torn when making the final say. During the discussions we've had, he says he's okay with the name *but* he still likes the name Ashley Marie. In a perfect world I would be able to please everyone, but I don't know how to make that happen. Should I stand my ground or am I being insensitive to his wishes?
There's some family pressure, a name I like but don't LOVE, and other people's feelings to consider. My head is going to explode.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Feeling Guilty About Naming LO
Personally there is a lot of "I" in this paragraph where I believe there should be "we". It does seem like you haven't really taken your H's feelings into account. This needs to be something the two of you discuss and agree upon together without caring what others think.
FWIW, we are naming LO after family members on both sides. It wasn't my #1 pick (my #2) but it really, really means a lot to MH to use this name and since I do like it and I like the idea of who he is being named after, I agreed. It took us sitting down and really talking about it multiple times. I love the name now but if we have boy #2, I get my name (which is MH's #2!)
I think it is sweet that you want to name your daughter after strong women in your life, but the only people who should actually have a say in naming your child are you AND your SO. I can't imagine completely disregarding my H's opinions on names. That said, I've vetoed quite a few of his, but I still wouldn't decide on a name without his full approval.
Can you and your SO come up with a compromise that makes you both happy?
I'm going to have a loooong discussion with him about this when he gets home from work. I don't see why we both can't come to a mutual agreement. I'll let you all know what we decide!
I'm surprised that you'd tell your mother a name before you and DH agreed; doesn't quite seem fair to have it "set in stone" before DH agrees.
Anyway, maybe you can compromise somehow or add another middle name...?
Sounds like a good plan to talk it over with him tonight. If he agreed before you mentioned it to your mom, then I think it's unfair of him to take it back now. Nothing says you won't have a 2nd daughter and can't use his favorite name then. I do feel like when the child will have DH's last name, it's okay if the other names are from your family - DS's first name and DD's first and middle are from my side. Our 2nd DD will have a first name from DH's side.
But again, talk it over. Maybe it doesn't matter to him as much as you think, or maybe it does and you could compromise somehow (Amy Marie?)
(read it. you know you want to.)
anderson . september 2008
vivian . february 2010
mabel . august 2012
I certainly hope you learn from this mistake and are not so selfish going forward in your marriage because you will have issues if you continue to disrespect your SO like that. It is as much his child as it is yours and you should have consulted him prior to telling anyone what you thought you might name the child. No one else's feelings or opinions matter but yours and his. You cannot expect him to just warm up to a decision you make on your own that impacts them and their own child without them having a say. If I was him - every time I called the child Amy it would remind me of how selfish my wife was to not consider my feelings/thoughts/paternal entitlement.
That being said just because you F'd up and told people a name doesn't mean you have to stick with it. If you decide to work on the name with your SO and it ends up being different like Ashley Jean or something you can just tell people when you met the child the name Ashley seemed to suit her better. Not that you need an excuse to change your own child's name, but you seem like you would want an excuse for your mother.
FWIW I am Greek and the tradition is that you name your children after their grandparents, no exceptions. My entire life I knew at least two of my children's names because it was a given based on my parents names. I married a man that is not Greek and did not like my parents names and certainly did not want our children names after them or his parents. It wasn't the best feeling in the world to give in but I did out of the love and respect I have for him and the vows I made. I married him, not my parents. Can I live with not having my children named after my parents? Yes. Could he live with our kids being named after them? Yes, but it would have caused a large amount of avoidable resentment in our marriage. Why do that to the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with?
I apologize for the rant but the amount of selfishness that goes on on some of these boards with women about their unborn children and SOs amazes me.
I'm feeling guilty enough without you calling me selfish to boot. And you know nothing about our relationship, so don't even start. That was a low blow and you should be ashamed of yourself. Back the F off.
Why did you decide on the name yourself & tell your mom first, before even discussing it with SO? That just seems wrong.
With that said, if he is saying he's ok with it, then just leave it at that.
Let SO solely decide the name of your next kid.
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I think it's sweet to name you're little girl after the women in your family and keep up family traditions, however I also think that completely disregarding your SO's thoughts is insensitive. I like the idea of compromise--and even if you only use one of the names you want, you're still adhering to your family tradition, just with your own little twist! Or, if y'all okay with it, there's always the possibility of two middle names, like Amy Jean Marie or Amy Jean Ashley.
And if I were you, I would not let family pressure me into any name. Naming your child is entirely between you and your SO. They already had their turn naming kids, now enjoy taking yours!
Don't you just love quick fixes? Glad y'all could come to compromise so easily
And Ashley Jean is a lovely name!
I agree, you really haven't let your husband have a say, you already decided from day one what her name would be without any input from your husband. If he had decided the same thing, I can only imagine the venting that post would ensue.
This is your child and his child, you both made her together - you should both have a say in the name and not have to bend to what other people think you should do.