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September 2012 Moms
mamaHippo23
member
He doesn't want my mom in the delivery room :(
mamaHippo23
member
I told my mom several months ago I wanted her to be present for the birth and she was so touched, she basically cried. This morning my BF informs me he doesn't want anyone else in the room and wants it to be a private moment just between me and him. I completely understand why he feels this way and actually think it's sweet that it's so important to him. But now I feel like I have to vote someone off the island LOL I've been trying to think up a good compromise so my mom doesn't feel excluded, but still respect Ryan's feelings. I know I'm going to have to talk to my mom about this, but it sucks because she's so excited and doesn't get to be involved in our lives very often. Ugh! I'm about to say I'm having this baby alone and no one gets to watch! Just kidding, but it does seem easier.
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Re: He doesn't want my mom in the delivery room :(
I'd just be honest with her. Let her know your feelings haven't changed about her, but that you want to honor your husband and his preferences too. Can she be on hand at the hospital for just in case? My mom hung around the hospital with DD but only popped into the room a couple times during the whole process mainly to bring DH snacks and drinks and to say a couple encouraging words. I had told her she'd have to wait at least an hour after DD was born before we'd be having any visitors, but maybe 10-15 minutes after she was born I begged for someone to bring her to my room. So that was moot.
) It was nice to know she was around in case we needed any backup. But I had a doula last time.
This time I've opted not to have a doula so I've invited my mom into the room with DH's agreement for backup and support for him and me again. But then he and my mom get along great and I think he's kind of relieved she'll be there since I'm hypnobirthing and he's not so sure about that. Then again, she's not either. LOL
You're the one delivering the baby, so if you want your mom to be there, then she should be there.
If you're on the fence and would like to compromise, perhaps she can be in the room while you labor and then leave when you start pushing. That way she can be apart of most of it and then you and your SO can still have your private moment at birth.
But personally, I think she should be there if that's what YOU want.
Carter Robert 7.18.08 | Brynn Sophia 5.24.10 | Reid Joseph 9.10.12 | Emerson Mae 1.27.14
I get what others posted about how you are the one delivering so it should be your decision. But, it's his experience too. Luckily he doesn't have to birth the baby, but he should have a say just as much as you do about who is in the room.
My DH doesn't want my mom in the room either. While it makes me a little sad, I know that in the end it will be that much more special for it to be just him and I.
Eh, I disagree. I think his feelings should be considered, but ultimately it should be up to whoever is giving birth. I think priority should go to whatever makes the laboring woman most comfortable, relaxed, and confident during L&D. If she wants her mom in there just for fun or as some sort of favor towards her mom, well then maybe she should reconsider. I wanted my mom in the room because while I love my DH to death, nobody can calm me down like my mom. She knows just what to say. DH is awesome but he's just not the best at comforting and that sort of thing. He was a little bummed that it wouldn't be just him and I at first, but after DS1 was born he admitted how thankful he was she was there.
People always talk about respecting the H's wishes in this situation, but is he really respecting the woman's wishes? Have there at least been conversations where he has listened to her reasons why she'd want mom or whoever else there? He IS important, he IS the father, his comfort DOES matter...but these situations often sound like he isn't really open to what the laboring woman wants. It could just be that it is the disappointed laboring woman who is writing the post, but I think respect and consideration should go both ways.
My H has a say in almost everything that happens to me, but in some cases, he knows it isn't all about him. My mom is a billion miles away (okay...900) and so she can't be here, but if she were close by and it was important to me for her in the room, he wouldn't tell me she couldn't be there.
It's nice that you are respecting your BF's feelings, but honestly, your BF should respect YOUR feelings first. Yes, the birth of your child is an experience for both you & your BF, but you are the one being admitted to the hospital for a medical procedure & you should be allowed to have anyone you choose in the room to support you.
Instead of having a talk with your mom, have a talk with your BF first. Ask him - if the rolls were reversed & he was going to the hospital for surgery or something, how would he feel if he couldn't have whom he wanted there with him?
He needs to understand there's more to it than just experiencing the birth of your child. You having to go through labor & delivery & all that follows is a scary thing. You should be allowed to have your mom there!
Your mother wasn't there when the baby was made and didn't contribute to it being created, if your DH doesn't want her there you need to respect that IMO.
I disagree with the posts about you having more of a say just because it is your body. We married our husbands and became their partners, partners in all things not just things that don't involve our bodies. He is as much of the parent of that child as you, no less just because it isn't his womb.
I initially wanted my mother with us and DH did not. We ended up having it just the two of us with DD and plan to do so again with this child. It gives your DH the opportunity to be your comfort and for you to be there for him. I know my DH would have been more reserved if anyone else was there but the doctor and I know my mother would have interfered. Seeing him tear up and that insanely genuine huge grin cover his face when DD was born was so special. I highly doubt our memories would be the same with my mom there. It gives you both time to bond with the baby without anyone else interfering or rushing you to let them take a picture or hold the baby.
IMO if he doesn't want her there she shouldn't be. Her not being there wont ruin the experience for you, but her being there will ruin it for him if he feels strongly about it being just you two.
Good luck with your decision!
This exactly!
Neither were any doctors or nurses (I'm guessing)....so you'll be having an unassisted home birth, right?
This made me lol!
In all seriousness though, its nice to have your mom there because she's gone through labor and delivery herself. Men are great and they should be there too, but they cannot be of any practical help in the way that your mom can. Its not like she's just there to watch.
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I appreciate everyone's comments on this. The fact that there are differing opinions actually makes me feel better that can be several options for how we handle this.
Just to clarify- Not that it really matters, but he is my boyfriend of 3 yrs, NOT my husband. But I do consider him my partner, not just a baby daddy. Anyway, this is so special for my mom b/c I'm her only daughter and this her first (and possibly only) grandchild. However, another reason I especially wanted her there is I get pretty anxious in hospitals and around doctors and since she is an OB nurse of 25+ years with midwife training I know she can talk me through it and reassure me. Also, apparently my BF was not aware that is extremely common for women to have their mothers present, even if they're not nurses.
Whoa, that's awesome. Can your mom come to MY birth?! Seriously, though, this just adds to my belief that you should have her in the room with you for support.
Why don't you tell your BF that she's going to be in the room while you labor and then make a game time decision on pushing? Maybe he'll see how helpful she is and how good it is for you to have her there and be fine with her staying for the pushing? (Although, for the record, I still say if he's not fine with it you tell him to STFU and you let her stay)