Another possible match? How does this work?

crene84 · August 2012

So, I posted Friday about a couple in AZ that contacted us only hours after our profile was activated...feels like a dream. They officially want to match with us. The catch is, she is only 7.5 weeks, she has some Native American ancestry, and she's across the country from me. We are still very excited to be matched; however, then yesterday we were contacted by someone that lives an hour away from us, is 8 months pregnant, no drugs, alcohol, smoking. She couldn't sound more perfect (from what we know so far). The problem is, we haven't gotten to talk with her yet so I'm not sure anything will come of it.

My question here is, I know with agencies, once you match, you can't look any longer, but since we're independent (and we've prepaid 6 months for our profile to be shown), how do we handle this? I guess if our first match wasn't so risky, we wouldn't even consider this other possibility. I just can't believe that we may end up with multiple situations to choose from. I feel so lucky. Of course I won't feel completely lucky until I'm placed with a baby, but so far it's been pretty positive for us.

Rachel Sonnier · August 2012

I have no idea what you should do, but I just wanted to say...WOW!!!! Way to go!

jillianmb · August 2012

I don't know the legal aspects of it, but can you go with the second match and tell the BM for the first match that you think it is too early and that you would love to revisit the match when she is farther along? That gives you the opportunity to pursue the second match without fully cutting off the first one. And it gives the birth mom in the first match time to consider everything; like you said, it is really early for her to make a decision.

And if you want more than one child, maybe you could see if BM from the first match would still want to place with you if you had an infant at home.

IRR · August 2012

That's terrific. Part of using a lawyer and doing a private adoption means you are more in control. That is one of the benefits of not using an agency. Since there has been no paper work with either yet, you can decide. I hear the Native American thing can be tricky and if you want to be "parents" sooner I would start working more with #2 to see where her head is at and if she does want to "choose" you. A contact may mean she is looking at several AP and until a BM tells you she wants you to parent her child, it is just an inquiry at this point. I know of a story from more than 15 years ago, where a family was working with a BM but still had 3 months when they got a call that a baby girl was waiting at the hospital, did they want her. They ended up taking the "sure thing" and they ended their relationship with the first BM. There are so many parents looking to adopt, when the child is still a bunch of months away, it may be hard for BP, but it goes both ways, because sometimes AP wait months and the BP change their minds (as is their right) after the child is born. I say go with your gut and continue exploring all of your options until your lawyer says to do otherwise. GL.

bhead81 · August 2012

Native American can be very tricky so before you jump in full force with that match you will want to do some research and get with a lawyer. Some tribes are easier to work with and are open to adoption outside the tribe. Some of the tribes here in AZ though are not and will not adopt to a non-member.

mommytoconnor · August 2012

I live in AZ and want to see if you were aware of the whole tribal thing. In a tribal adoption, it can be very tricky. Some tribes are more willing to adopt out of the tribe, others are not. Also something to keep in the back of your mind, with ICWA(tribal adoptions) even if they okay for a child to be adopted out of tribe, and your adoption is finalized, that tribe can come back at anytime and remove that child to put with tribal member. This is something that they sometimes don't clearly tell you can happen. In all actuality, it doesn't happen often, but it is a possibility at anytime. This is why a lot of adoptive families choose not to pursue tribal adoptions. I personally would pursue the second BM to see where that goes. If she is 8 months, it sounds like a more stable option, especially since the other one is 7 weeks along. Good luck with everything.

crene84 · August 2012

Thanks for all your advice and support as always! Smile

I talked to my attorney and an attorney from AZ that specializes in ICWA and am starting to feel very discouraged about our match. It seems like it can be a real mess, so maybe we need to cut ties with this altogether. I'm going to do some more research but I don't think it looks like something we are up for pursuing. I do feel a lot better cutting ties with her based on ICWA rather than finding a more appealing match though. How's that for being a glass is half full kind of girl!

I still haven't been able to get in touch with the second girl that is 8 months pregnant, but I am praying she calls/e-mails us back. It sounds like such an amazing possibility!

heaven22tw · August 2012

where is it profile posted?!?!?!

crene84 · August 2012

heaven22tw:
where is it profile posted?!?!?!

Parentprofiles.com

heaven22tw · August 2012

thanks

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