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February 2013 Moms
ShabbyGeek
member
Family at hospital when baby is born and staying after?
ShabbyGeek
member
We finally told our families this weekend that we are expecting our first baby, everyone was so excited!! Some of our family has asked if they could come to the hospital while I am in labor, which we weren't planning on, but as long as they understand they will be in the waiting room we are okay with that (occasional visits are fine!). Some of our family that lives out of town have mentioned being there when the baby is born and staying afterwards. While it is nice they want to be there and help, my DH and I were really hoping to have those first few weeks to ourselves (with visits from local family) and then have out of town family visit for a few days later on. We haven't worked out the logistics (if they will be staying with us, for how long, etc.), but I really don't want people flying in from out of state and possibly staying with us right after the baby is born. Has anyone else had this come up? Any recommendations on how we can handle it? Once I find out what they really want to do I will have a better idea of if it is possible or not, but I don't want to mislead anyone into thinking that it will be a family reunion at the hospital and our house right before and after the baby is born.
Baby #1 Due 2/21/13!
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Re: Family at hospital when baby is born and staying after?
With DD, our immediate family and a few of our best friends came to visit, on the basis that I would let them know when I was up for visitors. I was induced and had visitors before my major pains started, and after my epidural (although I got sick a few times and kicked people out for awhile), and about 30 minutes after I had the baby. It was almost 1 am, so they just came in, gave us hugs, and saw baby through the nursery window (she had some fluid on her lungs). Others came and visited at the hospital, and some the day we got home.
As for staying at your house....DH's family stayed with us one night and it stressed me out big time! I was trying to learn to BF, and DD was having major troubles with it, and I would do it completely topless because it was just getting in the way. I felt confined to my room or the baby's, or would have to kick everyone out. I wish that only his mom would have stayed, because she was helpful with BF tips, making us dinner, and watched to baby so we could take naps together.
Unless it was my mom coming I would politely say, "We'd love to see you and can help you arrange a hotel if you'd like." I wouldn't say no to visitors, but I would say hell no! to house guests right after having a baby. Especially because you really can't know beforehand if they will be helpful or expect you to treat them like guests. My mom came and helped last time around and I know I need her here this time too, but she helped a ton around the house so it was nice.
And I would ask people not to visit in the hospital or to wait a day or so after the baby is born. I know this isn't what a lot of people do, but IME having people there while you're in labor (then visiting for an hour at 2am when you're moved into recovery) isn't very fun. Visitors the next day was frustrating to me when I was trying to rest and get the hang of BFing and taking care of a newborn. But it really all depends on your family dynamics and how comfortable you feel with everyone.
ETA: No one actually saw me while I was in labor because I didn't have an epidural and only wanted DH and my mom there the whole time, but I knew they were there waiting. I wouldn't say it stressed me out, but I didn't particularly like knowing they were there waiting for the show either...if that makes sense.
We lived over 4 hours away from everyone. I called my Mom the morning that I woke with my water broken. I wasn't in labour but I was excited to tell her that sometime soon a baby would be here. We didn't call anyone else until after the baby was born. My Mom came up two days after the baby was born to help out. Mostly to cook and clean for us so that my husband and I could focus on the baby. My husband wasn't suppose to be able to take time off so we had preplanned this but he got time off anyway. My sister came when my daughter was a couple days old and my in-laws when she was a week.
My advice to you is that if you don't want people there or you want time to just bond as a new family without the entire family, don't call until after the baby is born. I don't get when people want to be in the hospital waiting. They could be waiting for days. It will be in the back of your mind that they are waiting and you may feel stressed by this.
Thank you to everyone who replied already! I really am leaning towards just telling people after the baby has been born, like PP said I don't want to be stressed out and worrying about people in the waiting room because we don't know how long I will be in labor.
In regards to OOT family, my grandma has mentioned renting a condo near us for the winter anyway, so if she has her own place to stay that is fine and we will let her know once our LO has arrived. I just don't want someone arriving a week before my due date, staying two months after, etc. And I really do want my DH and I to have time to bond with our LO on our own, with local family stopping by for an hour or two at a time- when we tell them to!
Has anyone tried to tell family that they want some time alone with the baby and it wasn't received very well?
My family was SO LOUD when I had ds that they got yelled at by the hospital staff several times. It was mayhem. When my husband came out to tell them it was a boy they were screaming. They were watching him get cleaned up through the glass and the nurse said to my husband "OMG is that your family? Can you ask them to calm down?" lol. So embarassing. So this time I need to find a way to politely tell everyone that I really don't want a circus in the hospital this time. Praying that after I get settled in and the doctor is on site a snow storm begins so no one can get to us. (except my mom). lol
I was thinking of telling them all that since it's flu season the rules have changed and I can only have one visitor at a time. The nurses would totally back me up.
BFP#1 - 11/27/09 EDD 8/5/10, DS1 arrived 7/24/10 via emergency c-section.
BFP#2 - 6/18/12 EDD 2/23/13, sweet baby girl born sleeping on 10/4/12 at 19 weeks, 3 days.
BFP #3 - 1/18/13 EDD 10/1/13, natural mc on 2/2/13 at 5 weeks, 4 days.
BFP #4 - 8/29/13 EDD 5/12/14, our sweet rainbow, DS2 born 4/29/14 via c-section
I would suggest setting the ground rules early on when you have them figured out. I was going to be induced the next day so we JUST told our parents. Well DH has many siblings and everyone was there in the waiting room for 23 hours!!!! It was 6:30 am when people were able to come see us, they came held the baby for a few minutes and then left. I completely regret not setting the ground rules. A: I had people wanting to come in a visit at all hours of the day
B: My dad thought that he could be in the room at all times, even after I said I didn't want anyone in the room anymore
C: My dad opened the door while I was pushing to check in (haha, I remember screaming at him to get the**** out),
So figure out what you want and tell everyone when they ask (tell your parents to spread the news also), and stick to it. These first few hours, days and weeks are so precious to soak it all in the way you want it to be!
I wanted my parents and inlaws at the hospital when I gave birth, but only my husband in the room.
Nothing really went as planned and I was induced, and 45 hours later, finally had a c-section. That first night, I was so tired, all I wanted was for the parents to go home...but they wanted to stay. I literally had to fight with them and finally talked to my dad alone (because my mom just wouldn't listen to me) and told him to tell her that I really wanted them to go home and that we would call if anything happened. They eventually went home and came back the next morning, which was fine. The second night wasn't a fight, and they left. We ended up having to call them at like 3 a.m. to come back in, but my son wasn't delivered until 8 a.m.
My mom stayed with us for a week after we brought my son home, and she was welcomed help. Anymore than her though, and I would have felt crazy.
Express your wishes early, and remind everyone. Designate someone that you trust (your mom, sister, husband) as a spokesperson to repeat and spread the message.
I know for me I dont want anyone there. Because my luck we will have a middle of the night delivery and I dont want people there. That and I dont want people there while we are all trying to bond or right after the baby is here I am sure I am going to be tired from all the labor.
For me I am starting to put the bug in DH ear how I dont want people there. I want a chance to know my child. And not have to worry about this one coming in and out.
What ever you chose stand your ground. Remember the nurses will listen to you. If other dont want to listen they will. So if you want everyone gone or only want 1 other person in the room besides your "coach" tell the nurse and they will enforce this. Remember this is your time.
So many great responses, thank you so much!! I think I will stand my ground and let everyone know that we can call them once the baby is born. DH shares my opinion regarding people at the hospital and visitors at our home, so it's great that I don't have to convince him along with the rest of our families. His family lives near us so I think they will be a little difficult, and I will just let mine know that they can book tickets to come visit us in March if they want to plan that far ahead. This is our first baby and I really want us to bond as a family without a bunch of people coming in and out as they please!
You ladies are the best! I was worried that some might be offended that we want our family to give us some privacy, so I am glad so many share a similar opinion.
Absolutely. Having family there would be a huge no for me. Honestly, I wouldn't even want my mom there. When I had to have an unplanned c/s with DD at 34w1d, I was so happy that it was just DH and I and I didn't have to worry about people coming. Afterwards some friends called to see if they could come visit, but I basically told them that there was no point since DD was in the NICU and they couldn't see her anyway. Except for DH, I had a completely visit-free recovery and it was wonderful.
I also agree with everyone saying that extended family should wait to come visit. Those first few weeks at home can be really stressful as everyone adjusts, and worrying about entertaining people (even if they swear they don't need to be entertained) is one added stressful element that you don't need.
BFP1: DD1 born April 2011 at 34w1d via unplanned c/s due to HELLP, DVT 1 week PP
BFP3: DD2 born Feb 2013 at 38w4d via unplanned RCS due to uterine dehiscence
We had our immediate family at the hospital during labor and honestly, they were a pain in the ass. We will not have that this time. They can come once the baby is born. Nobody needs to be there besides H and my mom this time. Z will be staying with my sister. She lives down the street from the birthing center.
As far as after, I would wait to see how you are feeling. We had only close family come to the hospital and it was great. This time I will be home within days of delivery since we are delivering at a birthing center. Once again we will let everyone know when we are ready to receive visitors. It all depends on recovery, bfing and how comfortable everyone is. I really enjoyed seeing people at home instead of the hospital since I was comfortable, not in hospital rags and able to move around.
I would let everyone know not to make any definite plans until you know how you and the baby are doing.
I?m going to have to go with the majority of OPs and say NO to family at the hospital and NO to staying at your house.
I was sooo glad I stated this preference early on with our DS. Family wld have had to fly in for us aswell and even though MIL was kinda hurt - this being her first grandson - I stood my ground.
DH was upset for a while too as I stated no family at all to stay with us for the first month. They were more than welcome to stay nearby at a hotel - and my aunt did just that 3 weeks after DS was born.
For a start you have no idea how the birth will go and how you will feel. You do not need the added stress of having to play host.
As PPs have said, trying to establish breastfeeding is hard enough and I was glad i didnt have to hide away and cld let is all hang out as it were.
Bonding with babe as a new family is soo important I?m glad it was just the 3 of us with no added worries and no one giving me "helpfull" advice and telling me I was "doing it wrong". I had no experinece of babies and appreciated being left to work things out on our own.
After a month, I was ready willing and able to have family to stay. By that time we were in some sort of routine and I had healed enough (after a CS) to feel human again When MIL and he boyf did ruck up it wasnt that stressfull at all.
This time round Ill be having my aunt to stay, for about 10 days, to look after DS as Ill be having a RCS and will need hubby in the hospital with me.
Stand your ground and put yourself and your little family first- trust me - you?ll be soo glad you did!
i expect my immediate family to visit the hospital, and wait patiently in the waiting room during the birth, if they so desire. i don't need an audience.
my sister, who is possibly more excited about the baby than i am, has offered to stay with us the week after the baby is born, specifically to help out--cooking, cleaning, etc. i believe i will accept the offer, but will probably want us to have at least a night or 2 at home on our own with baby before she arrives.
otherwise, no house guests. DH's entire family lives outside the US, i'm sure they'll visit after baby is born, and there are several lovely hotels in the area they can use. i believe he's already made this clear to them (it's important to mention this kind of thing ahead of time, because his family/culture is very different, and family house guests staying for weeks at a time is normal). my parents and most of my family live about an hour away, so easy for them to come visit when i'm feeling up to it, and then go home.
house guests stress me out when i'm NOT pg, especially my MIL, who's very high maintenance, so this is non-negotiable! and i think most people will be understanding. a newborn is quite enough work--even people who think they are helping would probably just be creating more mess and stress.
I like yarn: Learner's Per-knit
Preggo blog: There's No D#$% Stork
This is a touchy subject for me. With DD, I had people in my room while I was laboring, going through contractions and all. They felt the need to ask what it felt like, come rushing over to hold my hand, and give me obvious advice like "just breathe" while I'm writhing in pain. I know they meant well, but when I am in that much pain, I don't want people touching me, talking to me, anything. I had one aunt cry and storm out of the hospital because I was leaving her out because the nurses told her she was not allowed in my room during epidural placement. Wtf. I had a friend walk in while I was pushing, and extended family members coming barging in during my episiotomy to hold DD. Needless to say, I was traumatized.
With DS, I had fewer people in my room during labor. It was a nicer experience. I will say that my ILs live 800 miles away, so they stayed with us after delivery. Big mistake. It was MIL, FIL, SIL, and BIL for about a week. I came home to a mess in my house, stuff everywhere, no one cooked anything, cleaned anything, I had to constantly worry about blood dripping down my leg, milk leaking through my shirt, BFing my son, and entertaining guests. Never again. I felt that my feelings were ignored while they focused on holding DS and I was pushed aside.
This time, DH and I have discussed and settled everything already. We have agreed that no one will be allowed in the room with us while I'm laboring, it will be just DH in the room for pushing, and at least one hour of just me, DH, and LO in recovery. People can get mad all they want, but I will gladly remind them of why I am making the decisions I am with this baby. If I happen to have a c/s, we aren't calling anyone until the next day. We will set our own visitor hours and will set rules that people must call before they just show up. No one will be staying the night at our house and visits to our house will be limited. They will have to fend for themselves when it comes to food. I will BF when and where I choose. They can leave if it makes them uncomfortable, though I will have a cover. We plan on telling people in person as we see them. The ILs will probably get a phone call since they live so far away. This is our last baby and I will do everything I can to make sure I have the best experience.
As many PPs have mentioned, I would make it clear now what you expect to happen when the baby comes. I love the idea of getting a family member to be your spokesperson to back you up and communicate your wishes.
My plan, as of now, is to only have DH at the hospital period. Our families are awesome, helpful, and very close, but they can visit the hospital the next day. We will take pictures to share with them.
I am also planning on inviting my parents and sister, and DH's parents, brother and sister in law to come and help out for the first few weeks. We will definitely need the support. They will not, however, be house guests. DH's parents will stay with his aunt and uncle who live nearby and my parents have already offered to stay in a nearby hotel. My sister or mom might stay with us, but they would be such easy guests and so helpful, it wouldn't be a big deal to me.
Good luck!
I already replied, but this thread has really made me think about what I want this time around.
It will be my 3rd c-section, so planned. Last time, my mom and dad and MIL were at the hospital before the c-section, so they saw me off. Dh was, obviously, the only one allowed in for the c-section. My mom and MIL were with me in recovery, when the baby isn't with me, and then went I finally got back to my room, my dad joined us.
Later, my FIL came up with my niece, and our son. I was not happy about my niece being there. My inlaws were basically raising her, but I felt like this was our little family moment, and then my niece was there.
This time around, I will probably do much of the same as we did before. I will hopefully be planning the c-section for Feb. 1st, so that's a school day and my oldest will be in school. Whenever someone brings both of my boys up, I want that time to be just for our family. I think we need an hour to ourselves to get acquainted as a family. I want the boys to be able to hold it and get comfortable without others around.
I think this is really different for everyone.
We don't have any local family and we really didn't want anyone at the hospital, so that worked out fine for everyone.
In terms of at the house --- For me, I was so amazingly, super grateful that my MIL stayed with us the first week after DS was born. She cooked for us (otherwise, I don't know how I would have eaten that first week!), cleaned, did laundry, and helped out with DS when I wanted to shower, etc. But she was very careful about making sure DH and I had our time to bond with baby and work out what we needed to on our own as first time parents. She really was there to make sure our household didn't collapse when we had to devote all of our time to DS. I think if you have guests that you just need to be up front with what you expect of them and what kind of help you want. If it's someone who would make you crazy (like my mom), then don't do it. I didn't have my mom come visit until DS was about 3 months since we were very confident in our parenting at that point.
Now that #2 is here, we also will have family coming to stay with us after #2 is born so that there are more folks to help out with keeping DS entertained and taken care of.
DS1: Quinn - 10.22.10 and DS2: Cole - 01.18.13
Our family came and stayed at our house while I was in labor and still in the hospital, but they vamoosed before we brought baby home. There's no way I could have handled house guests while I was still bleeding and whipping my poor aching boobs out every three seconds to find the ravenous screaming beast that was my first child.
If they want to stay in a hotel for a week or so and come by to visit, then it should be fine, but definitely no house guests right when you bring baby home. Too stressful. And really, there are boobs ALL THE TIME in the beginning. All the time. Constant boobage.
I just want to say one thing about out of town family. I think you should tell any and all people who live out of town to wait for the baby to be born before the make their plans to come out.
With DD my mom made her plans and came out 1 week after my due date but DD was not born for another week (born at 41 weeks 6 days). That week was the most annoying, stressful and well I was just a down right b*t*h. My poor mom wanted to be around to help me with the baby but instead she got to deal with me being pissed at the world for 8 days before the baby came. She was hoping to spend at least a week with DD and only got 2 and a half days. So my advice even if they have to buy plane tickets ad what not is to wait till LO is born to set travel dates.
Home in the bush.
I'm in the same boat and you will want visitors eventually, but just not those first few weeks when you are still adjusting. Sounds like you've got it figure out now though. Good luck arranging visits!