So DH wants to email XH

bdbelladonna · August 2012

So after the emails from XH a week or two ago now about the 'Dad' thing XH had only tried calling the kids once. We werent home when he called and he didnt answer when we called back.

DS is now registered for hockey which will start mid-Sept. DH wants to email XH to tell him about it and that if he wants to be involved coming down for a couple of DS's games during the season would probably mean a lot. (DS i told us he wanted to play hockey and I know he hasnt mentioned it to XH at all). We in no way want XH to contribute to the cost as we have paid the registration fee and my Dad is paying for most of his gear, so it would be just to tell XH about it and offer to let him know what the tots schedule is once hockey starts. In some ways I think it is awesome DH wants to do this, but at the same time I know XH feels DH shouldn't be involved and will probably get more pissed off when he finds out DH will most likely be coaching or helping coach the team. I'm just wondering what you would do.

It seems to be important to DH that he be the one to do this as he wants to be able to work with XH to make the kids happy, I just don't know if its the right thing or not. Especially since DS has not told XH when he has told just about everyone else.

Nineoceans · August 2012

Sounds like a horrible idea. As a parent and step parent especially it's not about what you want it's about what's best for the child. It obviously sounds like there is tension between your h and xh. If you think youre the only one who sees it youre wrong. Your child isnt even telling his father about these plans because he knows it will upset him. Your h needs to take a huge step back, and maybe even consider not coaching a few seasons until his relationship develops more with exh. My SS's stepdad tried to force him to call him dad for years and even though he was in my ss's life daily my SS pretty much hates him now for trying to force his dad out and overstepping his boundaries.

Holly_1007 · August 2012

Nineoceans:
Sounds like a horrible idea. As a parent and step parent especially it's not about what you want it's about what's best for the child. It obviously sounds like there is tension between your h and xh. If you think youre the only one who sees it youre wrong. Your child isnt even telling his father about these plans because he knows it will upset him. Your h needs to take a huge step back, and maybe even consider not coaching a few seasons until his relationship develops more with exh. My SS's stepdad tried to force him to call him dad for years and even though he was in my ss's life daily my SS pretty much hates him now for trying to force his dad out and overstepping his boundaries.

ALL of this.

When SD was signed up for soccer this year, DH brought her to her first "game" since it took place on during our visitation time only to find out that BM's husband was coaching. we both know the guy is not into sports at all and DH was pretty pissed that he wasn't told beforehand or offered to be a coach.

I think YOU should be the one to communicate about the sport and schedule, and if DH is going to be coaching definitely give your XH a heads up, maybe even offer it up to him at first?

FutureMrsWittig · August 2012

Nineoceans:
Sounds like a horrible idea. As a parent and step parent especially it's not about what you want it's about what's best for the child. It obviously sounds like there is tension between your h and xh. If you think youre the only one who sees it youre wrong. Your child isnt even telling his father about these plans because he knows it will upset him. Your h needs to take a huge step back, and maybe even consider not coaching a few seasons until his relationship develops more with exh. My SS's stepdad tried to force him to call him dad for years and even though he was in my ss's life daily my SS pretty much hates him now for trying to force his dad out and overstepping his boundaries.

I agree that this e-mail should not come from your H, it should come from you. Let him know DS will be playing hockey and what the schedule is. But that's it.

I disagree with the bolded. Just because your ex doesn't like the guy doesn't mean he shouldn't involve himself in your son's life. As you said, your H wants your Ex to be involved and feel a part of everything. Your ex, on his own, has made the decision not to.

Thank your H for trying. Let him know that you will let Ex know the schedule and that he is welcome, but that you think it will go over better coming from you. And leave the fact that he is coaching out. It's not a big deal. It wouldn't be a big deal if he wasn't coaching and the staff was a group of volunteer parents of other kids. So it shouldn't matter to Ex if your H is one of them either. ETA: Now if Ex wanted to coach and could reasonably do so, I would say maybe your H should step back and allow that, but only if he's actually going to show up.

angelamaster1986 · August 2012

FutureMrsWittig:
Nineoceans:
Sounds like a horrible idea. As a parent and step parent especially it's not about what you want it's about what's best for the child. It obviously sounds like there is tension between your h and xh. If you think youre the only one who sees it youre wrong. Your child isnt even telling his father about these plans because he knows it will upset him. Your h needs to take a huge step back, and maybe even consider not coaching a few seasons until his relationship develops more with exh. My SS's stepdad tried to force him to call him dad for years and even though he was in my ss's life daily my SS pretty much hates him now for trying to force his dad out and overstepping his boundaries.

I agree that this e-mail should not come from your H, it should come from you. Let him know DS will be playing hockey and what the schedule is. But that's it.

I disagree with the bolded. Just because your ex doesn't like the guy doesn't mean he shouldn't involve himself in your son's life. As you said, your H wants your Ex to be involved and feel a part of everything. Your ex, on his own, has made the decision not to.

Thank your H for trying. Let him know that you will let Ex know the schedule and that he is welcome, but that you think it will go over better coming from you. And leave the fact that he is coaching out. It's not a big deal. It wouldn't be a big deal if he wasn't coaching and the staff was a group of volunteer parents of other kids. So it shouldn't matter to Ex if your H is one of them either.

Agreed and agreed. Unfortunately you should be the one to communicate. While your DH may feel upset that he cant do the "simple" task of emailing, to be "the bigger person", to do "the right thing", sorry to say, it should come from you. I dont agree with the bolded. He shouldnt have to live his life tip-toeing around ex. If ex wants to be unhappy with your sons enjoyment ofd hockey, too bad.

blush64 · August 2012

I would call your ex yourself to let him know your son will be in hockey. As for coaching I think it depends on a few things. I don't think it's necessary to offer him the chance to coach. I think you should let him know that you are registering your son for hockey and the date you are doing so and that your husband is considering volunteering to be part of the coaching staff. Let him know the facts, if he would like to coach as well he can sign up to help out too. There are usually several people needed to make the team run smoothly.

I don't think it would be fair to have your husband talk to your ex if their relationship is bad. You and your ex are the parents and so the two of you should talk about these things. Rather than telling him to come out for a few games why not give him the game and practice schedule.

twister22 · August 2012

The email should come from you, not DH. Your XH needs to take a step back and let things cool off with XH. Clearly XH has an issue with him, and your DH will only be adding fuel to the fire.

bdbelladonna · August 2012

Thanks, its kinda of what I thought. XH is not into sports at all and lives several hours away so him helping with the team is not an option and since it is a tots team there is no traveling out side our local area (20-40 km).

I find the situation so hard because XH and I dont have a good relationship either, I was the one who wanted the divorce not him etc etc. At this point he rarely speaks to me even when he does exercise his right to visitation even though I try to be nice/sociable as I would with any other acquaintance. I even let XH get away with a couple things that are direct violation of our custody agreement because he sees them so rarely.

kllrbnny · August 2012

angelamaster1986:
FutureMrsWittig:

Nineoceans:
Sounds like a horrible idea. As a parent and step parent especially it's not about what you want it's about what's best for the child. It obviously sounds like there is tension between your h and xh. If you think youre the only one who sees it youre wrong. Your child isnt even telling his father about these plans because he knows it will upset him. Your h needs to take a huge step back, and maybe even consider not coaching a few seasons until his relationship develops more with exh. My SS's stepdad tried to force him to call him dad for years and even though he was in my ss's life daily my SS pretty much hates him now for trying to force his dad out and overstepping his boundaries.

I agree that this e-mail should not come from your H, it should come from you. Let him know DS will be playing hockey and what the schedule is. But that's it.

I disagree with the bolded. Just because your ex doesn't like the guy doesn't mean he shouldn't involve himself in your son's life. As you said, your H wants your Ex to be involved and feel a part of everything. Your ex, on his own, has made the decision not to.

Thank your H for trying. Let him know that you will let Ex know the schedule and that he is welcome, but that you think it will go over better coming from you. And leave the fact that he is coaching out. It's not a big deal. It wouldn't be a big deal if he wasn't coaching and the staff was a group of volunteer parents of other kids. So it shouldn't matter to Ex if your H is one of them either.

Agreed and agreed. Unfortunately you should be the one to communicate. While your DH may feel upset that he cant do the "simple" task of emailing, to be "the bigger person", to do "the right thing", sorry to say, it should come from you. I dont agree with the bolded. He shouldnt have to live his life tip-toeing around ex. If ex wants to be unhappy with your sons enjoyment ofd hockey, too bad.

All of this. It isn't fair to your son to exclude your husband just to avoid stepping on EH's toes. But the notice of the activity coming from your husband or the mention that your husband is coaching are both unnecessary and have the potential to come across as "rubbing it in" or something similar. And good for your husband for taking the high road and for being involved with your son.

CFjo2010 · August 2012

FutureMrsWittig:

Nineoceans:
Sounds like a horrible idea. As a parent and step parent especially it's not about what you want it's about what's best for the child. It obviously sounds like there is tension between your h and xh. If you think youre the only one who sees it youre wrong. Your child isnt even telling his father about these plans because he knows it will upset him. Your h needs to take a huge step back, and maybe even consider not coaching a few seasons until his relationship develops more with exh. My SS's stepdad tried to force him to call him dad for years and even though he was in my ss's life daily my SS pretty much hates him now for trying to force his dad out and overstepping his boundaries.

I agree that this e-mail should not come from your H, it should come from you. Let him know DS will be playing hockey and what the schedule is. But that's it.

I disagree with the bolded. Just because your ex doesn't like the guy doesn't mean he shouldn't involve himself in your son's life. As you said, your H wants your Ex to be involved and feel a part of everything. Your ex, on his own, has made the decision not to.

Thank your H for trying. Let him know that you will let Ex know the schedule and that he is welcome, but that you think it will go over better coming from you. And leave the fact that he is coaching out. It's not a big deal. It wouldn't be a big deal if he wasn't coaching and the staff was a group of volunteer parents of other kids. So it shouldn't matter to Ex if your H is one of them either.

Especially the bolded. Your Ex can't have it both ways: either he makes the effort to be more involved, or he shuts up and deals with the fact that your DH is very involved. I really think that telling DH to "take a step back" is unfair to both DH and your son. Your DH is looking for ways to connect with your son, and that's wonderful.

I also think it's great that DH wants to try and reach out to your Ex. However, I agree with everyone here that him sending an email is not a good idea. He can go up to your Ex at the end of a game and shake his hand and say "hello", and I think that in itself will show his willingness to try and work together. But since your Ex has already voiced his displeasure with DH being involved, he's not going to react well to an email.

fellesferie · August 2012

jobalchak:
Your Ex can't have it both ways: either he makes the effort to be more involved, or he shuts up and deals with the fact that your DH is very involved. I really think that telling DH to "take a step back" is unfair to both DH and your son. Your DH is looking for ways to connect with your son, and that's wonderful.

I agree with this. Your XH is a grownup, and he needs to act like one. If he chooses not to be involved, he doesn't get to pitch a fit when YH is involved. Or I guess he can act like a child & pitch a fit if he wants, but you shouldn't let it affect you and your kids.

As for the email, <shrug>. I don't think it would help anything, but I kind of see where YH is coming from. Sometimes MH steps in for me and deals with XH-related stuff. He doesn't have the emotional baggage there that I have, and MH says it's easier for him. They've never exchanged calls or emails, though.

Kaeldrasmommy · August 2012

I only skimmed the responses, but I'm thinking I'm the odd one here. No your DH shouldn't send an email about this, it is very commendable, but it would blow up in his face. The odd part is, I wouldn't send an email at all. I would mention it the next time that manage to talk to your ex, but it isn't vital information and your son doesn't care that he knows, so I wouldn't go out of my way to inform him.

bdbelladonna · August 2012

I dont really plan to email X to tell him, it was DH's idea as he wants things to be better between all of us. If/when I have to email him about something else I will tell him. But I would love to see him email or ask about what our kids are into, he never has and ends up buying them stuff that they aren't interested in or clothes that are too small or too big (although I do love when they are too big because the kids will grow into them. Although by too big I mean when DS was in a 3X he bought a 6 so it takes awhile.)

Littlejen22 · August 2012

FutureMrsWittig:
Nineoceans:
Sounds like a horrible idea. As a parent and step parent especially it's not about what you want it's about what's best for the child. It obviously sounds like there is tension between your h and xh. If you think youre the only one who sees it youre wrong. Your child isnt even telling his father about these plans because he knows it will upset him. Your h needs to take a huge step back, and maybe even consider not coaching a few seasons until his relationship develops more with exh. My SS's stepdad tried to force him to call him dad for years and even though he was in my ss's life daily my SS pretty much hates him now for trying to force his dad out and overstepping his boundaries.

I agree that this e-mail should not come from your H, it should come from you.  Let him know DS will be playing hockey and what the schedule is.  But that's it.

I disagree with the bolded.  Just because your ex doesn't like the guy doesn't mean he shouldn't involve himself in your son's life.  As you said, your H wants your Ex to be involved and feel a part of everything.  Your ex, on his own, has made the decision not to.

Thank your H for trying.  Let him know that you will let Ex know the schedule and that he is welcome, but that you think it will go over better coming from you.  And leave the fact that he is coaching out.  It's not a big deal.  It wouldn't be a big deal if he wasn't coaching and the staff was a group of volunteer parents of other kids.  So it shouldn't matter to Ex if your H is one of them either. ETA: Now if Ex wanted to coach and could reasonably do so, I would say maybe your H should step back and allow that, but only if he's actually going to show up.

There is no way that the ex will not take an email from the Step father as an in your face insult and I have to question if even a tiny bit of the DH is doing it this way.

I would let the father know when it is and that they are looking for coachs so if he can tell you by X date if he is able to commit to any volunteering, assuming he does not respond or says he will not then I would respond by the first game telling him you wanted to give a heads up that DH is helping/coaching. The communications should only be from you. If unrelated your DH wants to try to talk that is one thing but not about inviting him to hockey that your DH is coaching, the father DOES NOT get invites to attend by the step father even if the father sucks.

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