- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
Ginlyn0
member
My horrible evening (long)
Ginlyn0
member
So last night, DD was supposed to have a friend spend the night. A friend whose parents I had not met yet but DD went to school with but had just moved further out and would not be going to school with DD this year and this is one of her best friends. They didn't show up until almost 9 pm. When they get here, it's the mom (apparently dad passed away a few years ago), the friend and friend's little brother. The mom doesn't speak very good English because apparently she just started learning 5 years ago. Turns out that the mom needed the friend home early in the morning (today) to help watch her little brother so instead they asked if DD could spend the night. The friend kept having to translate some of what the mom was saying to me but she would run off into DD's room and we kept trying to talk. I got their address, phone #, daughter's phone # in case I needed it and told her I needed to pick up DD by 6pm today because we had to meet her dad at 7pm and the friends house was about 30 mins out. She mentioned that they had a lot of pools nearby and they might go swimming. The mom drew a map to their house and wrote her address for me. I kept having a feeling the mom wasn't understanding everything I said but she kept acting like she did and I know I kept asking her to repeat things to me so I could understand her. I told DD that she needed to take her phone and have it on and she said she had it.
Today, I tried calling all 3 #'s when I got off work at 5 and got no answer. DH and I drove out there and got there at 6pm and they weren't there. By 6:30, I call my Ex to let them know that DD had spent the night w/ a friend and we were waiting outside her house with no sign of DD and I would call him and let him know if we would need to meet later. I kept calling all 3 #'s. DH kept calling all 3#'s. We kept getting DD & her friend's voicemails and leaving messages and the mom's phone kept saying the Verizon user was unavailable. Ex kept calling me and I told him my phone was at 5% and I didn't have my car charger and DH's phone only had 30% so he said he would try to see if he could help me by calling some places. Ex's mom started calling me too and DD's SM. I had DH call his sister and have her drive to our house to make sure they didn't go to our house. We googled the housing addition they live in and found a map of some of the local pools and drove to 4 of them looking for them. By the time 7:30 came, Ex had called the local hospitals and police asking about possible car wrecks, ect. He got the address from me and called the police again and the police called me and told me they were headed over to meet us. The neighbors came out wondering why we had been sitting in front of the house for almost 2 hours and we explained. They didn't know the woman since she had just moved there (which we knew).
Finally, at like 8:20 they pull up. The mom said they had been to two pools swimming but apparently neither of them were ones we had driven to. She said she had been waiting on our call. Both of the girls had left their cell phones at the house. Apparently, 1 digit of the mom's number was off (most likely due to the language barrier). She didn't understand that we were picking her up at 6 pm. She kept apologizing. The police showed up right after they did and we confirmed that everything was okay. The mom continued to apologize. Then I called Ex back and told him we were on our way to meet him. So at 9pm, we finally were able to meet Ex. DD didn't talk the whole way there practically and was just crying and wouldn't answer any of my questions and finally she said she was sorry. She shuts down when she's upset. We told her she should have had her cell phone, she should have called us since she knew it was time for her to be at her dad's, ect. She was so embarrassed though. Ex and I stood there talking to her for a few minutes and he just kept telling her "you are almost 13, you know it is getting dark and late and you know what time I get you on Fridays. You should have known better."
It was scary, frustrating and all a misunderstanding. I'm still trying to decide what punishment, if any we should give to DD for not having her cell readily available but I am wondering if the embarrassment was enough. The poor kid was embarrassed in front of one of her few friends (she has Asperger's so doesn't make friends easily). This whole thing was a big deal because it was going to be the 2nd time she's ever had anyone spend the night and it ended up being the 2nd time she's ever spent the night with a friend. I think it's a harder situation because of DD's issues than if it happened to a typical kid her age.
I just know that I was stressed about the whole situation and my DH remained calm the whole time (thank goodness for him). I made him deal with the police and the mom because I was having to deal with my EX and his family at the same time and I was too upset to handle the entire situation. We were in the car from 5-10pm though and luckily DS fell asleep because I can't imagine if I would have had a cranky toddler during that time. I am so worn out now.
DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My horrible evening (long)
Wow, I would have been terrified! Just the thought of "going swimming" and "child missing" together really would have made me anxious!
I have to admit that I am a softie, b/c my DS has problems making friends, so I doubt I would punish him for a playdate gone bad but...I would use this as a learning experience. Your DD made a lot of mistakes, but it doesn't sound as if she was just blowing you off to have a good time. After all, while she didn't have her cell, your cell was low (with no charger) so you know that you can't always rely on a cell phone when you need it (other things could happen - she could be in a dead cell zone, etc.). She needs to be better at keeping track of her cell, and of contacting you when plans have changed. Maybe even contact you when she moves from place to place. Also, she needs to learn to self-advocate (difficult in itself for a 13 yo, even harder for one with special needs, and even harder to do with someone who doesn't speak your language!).
Just a few thoughts - most times when I give my cell# to someone, I phone them while they are there to make sure the call picks up.
Also, my cleaning lady has very limited English. Usually we communicate by text b/c she can have someone text or translate for her more easily than over the phone. I realize that wouldn't have helped you in this circumstance but it might help in the future with pickups and dropoffs.
wow i would have called the marines. if i didnt get an answer by the 3rd call.. im glad that at the end everything was ok.. shes 13.. she is in that age.. and just calm down and then talk to her calmly explain the consequences that can come by not having her phone with her.. what if there was an emergency etc.. i dont think she needs a punishment just a goood talk
Best of Luck
This seems a bit over the top. It is obvious the OP had misgivings, didn't trust her gut instinct, and is paying severely for it with the guilt and trauma of thinking her daughter was missing. She has already punished herself enough why kick someone when the are down?
Also, a few family playdates?? For a teenager? Of course in a perfect world you know know all of your child's friends parents very well but I know when I was that age there were no "playdates", that would have been laughable. Weren't most of us getting paid to babysit infants by ourselves by that time? Yes, it is a different world now but each parent best knows how mature or immature their child is.
I do agree you should just talk to her and maybe not do a formal punishment. Or even better talk to her father and see if you can come up with something together even if it is just a talk and making sure that this doesn't happen in the future by having stricter rules.
Agree.
We got DD back from her dad's last night and I could tell she was still upset over the situation. We discussed how she needed to make sure she had her cell phone on her for situations just like this. The situation would have been completely different if we where able to get a hold of her on the phone. We reminded her that DH and I both have to keep our cell phones with us at all times in case there is an emergency with her or one of the other kids and even our parents. How we need to have a phone with us in case of car trouble, ect.
I'm pretty certain she understood the importance of carrying her cell phone after this. We explained that we weren't mad at her or friend or her friend's mom because it was a miscommunication but it could have been avoided if she had her phone with her. She said her dad had a long discussion with her about it at his house Friday night.
And to the posters saying that I shouldn't have let her go off without a playdate, it's obvious that you don't have preteens/teens so I'm just going to let your comments slide.