How do you stay patient/calm when your LO is "misbehaving"?

KelliLynee · August 2012

I use the term misbehaving loosely, I just wanted to keep the title short so it would all be visible. Anyways, I used to consider myself an incredibly patient person, but as a parent, I really really struggle with keeping my cool. I don't know if I expect too much of LO because she is such a good girl, and so verbal that I just expect she can understand and follow instructions at the same age level that she can communicate or something. But I am 36 weeks pregnant and really need to get a grib and figure out how to keep my cool, because I want this transition to be as smooth as possible for my sweet girl, and if I just go from zero to 100 everytime she acts her age, it's going to be rough on all of us. I don't know how or when I became a parent who can't just take a deep breath and let things go, but I think maybe part of my struggle is not being able to decide which things to let go. On paper I can tell you not to sweat the small stuff, and to try to reserve "no" for the things that are truly important to say no too, and to keep your cool even when LO is doing something that you'd prefer they don't do, yet time and time again I fail at all of these things and I'm feeling pretty crappy about it. Example: I didn't have to work today and took DD to a (free) movie. We butt heads trying to get out the door on time and I lost my *** then. We had a great time at the movie and at a local bakery after. We came home and had lunch and played a bit and she kept leaving messes everywhere- she left a green bean and then a toy in a million parts on the floor.I was still eating lunch and she asked me if I would play with a certain toy with her. I said that I would love to, but could she please help pick up the toy and green bean first, which she doesn't even acknowledge. I tried to keep it simple, I will play with you just as soon as we pick up this small mess, and it just never happens. I just think to myself, I know she understands, if we complete task A (pick up mess, which I will help with), we can move on to task B (playing), yet she just ignores me and then expects me to play... Somehow it ends up with us yelling, or her slapping me, and then me removing her from the room and being so angry that she just couldnt follow a simple instruction. But the frustrating part is that I know she is just 3! Why am i so upset that she won't pick up a mess? She is just a little kid. But it's a vicious cycle and I just don't know what to do, or how to stay calm, or how to decide what I can and can't expect out of her. This is long and rambly because I am upset (and because my iPad is being weird and I can't go back and delete unnecessary information) but if any of you have struggled or can relate or offer tips on keeping my cool with an very well behaved and intelligent 3 year old who sometimes doesn't listen because that's what kids do, I would greatly appreciate it, especially so that when baby comes and I am tired and have less patience I will be able to keep the house a pleasant place for my girl.

KelliLynee · August 2012

I mean seriously... Look at her cute little face. Why can't I just take a deep breath and let the little things go and be the sensitive patient parent I know I want to be. ughhhh this picture just made the tears fall because she is such a sweet girl and I am totally not acting like the parent I want to be.

tokenhoser · August 2012

The most helpful phrase I have to keep in mind is:

He's having a hard time. He's not giving me a hard time.

My little guy is a lot younger so his capabilities are pretty limited, but some days I still just get tired and frustrated. Especially tired... my patience and my sleep are very related.

KelliLynee · August 2012

tokenhoser:
The most helpful phrase I have to keep in mind is:
He's having a hard time. He's not giving me a hard time.
My little guy is a lot younger so his capabilities are pretty limited, but some days I still just get tired and frustrated. Especially tired... my patience and my sleep are very related.

Yes! You are totally right. And I think I am a sensitive mom and I always try to remember this, and I think I do an okay job of realizing it, yet I'm stuck standing there not knowing how to help her, and not wanting to just walk away.

barnwife · August 2012

fredalina:
I just tell her, "OK, we are going to count to 10 and then you will throw away the green bean." And... it actually works. Not sure why, but it does. Hang in there, mama! I understand.

I have to come out of lurking to agree with this. I do this kind of counting a lot with J. I can't explain why it works either, but it does. (Maybe it's because it gives him a little bit of transition time?)

GL!

vanceke08 · August 2012

I don't have any tips for keeping your cool, because i totally suck at it. and then I feel so bad because she is such a sweet girl, and I know it is not her fault she can't express her needs in any other way. Just wanted to say you are not alone, and i will be following this thread too to read the responses and hopefully get some advice as well!

KelliLynee · August 2012

Thank you all so far for your suggestions and more importantly encouraging words! I just stumbled upon an article in my midwives office about a similar topic and it suggested that when your LO does some offense, to assign it a level in your head (0-10) and to be sure to react accordingly (reserving freak out moments for level 8 or higher, which you would reserve for things like running into the road, etc). I just wanted to share for others in my shoes!

gardensparrow · August 2012

I just caught this thread and can totally sympathize with how you're feeling. It is definitely hard to keep your cool sometimes and not sweat the small stuff. And, sometimes, those little things just seem to add up to one big thing! So, at least it's comforting to know other parents struggle in this area. I think it just goes with the territory. But, I liked your suggestion about trying to react appropriately by assigning our kids' behavior a number. Just the fact of pausing to think about it will probably help you cool down a bit. Also, I'm not sure you're a reader, but I wanted to mention a book I've found helpful that I came across while at Focus on the Family. It's called ScreamFree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool and had a lot of tips like the one you mentioned. Not sure if it would be of interest, but just FYI! Well, hang in there. We just have to remind ourselves that the toddler stage doesn't last forever and we'll probably miss it in a few years!

KelliLynee · August 2012

gardensparrow:
I just caught this thread and can totally sympathize with how you're feeling. It is definitely hard to keep your cool sometimes and not sweat the small stuff. And, sometimes, those little things just seem to add up to one big thing! So, at least it's comforting to know other parents struggle in this area. I think it just goes with the territory. But, I liked your suggestion about trying to react appropriately by assigning our kids' behavior a number. Just the fact of pausing to think about it will probably help you cool down a bit. Also, I'm not sure you're a reader, but I wanted to mention a book I've found helpful that I came across while at Focus on the Family. It's called ScreamFree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool and had a lot of tips like the one you mentioned. Not sure if it would be of interest, but just FYI! Well, hang in there. We just have to remind ourselves that the toddler stage doesn't last forever and we'll probably miss it in a few years!

Thank you for the suggestion. We actually own this book! Someone gave it to us when we were pregnant with DD and I started reading it while I was pregnant (pointless, since you don't quite grasp the need for those tips until you are in the moment). I'll have to find it again and take a look. Thanks for the reminder and for the sympathetic ear : )

cs1007 · August 2012

I seriously could have written this post, except my DS is 3 and I have a baby-12wks. Once the baby came along, DS really started acting out. Pair that with the baby's acid reflux, and I have been at my wits end. Sometimes DS not following the littlest instructions, such as 'clean up your mess' would/will turn into an all out battle. I never used to yell at him, but lately I have been so stressed out trying to cope with a screaming baby, a defiant toddler is just something I have been unable to handle. I hate myself for it, because I know he is just a sweet little guy acting out/jealous....just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and thanks for your honesty!!

KelliLynee · August 2012

cs1007:
I seriously could have written this post, except my DS is 3 and I have a baby12wks. Once the baby came along, DS really started acting out. Pair that with the baby's acid reflux, and I have been at my wits end. Sometimes DS not following the littlest instructions, such as 'clean up your mess' would/will turn into an all out battle. I never used to yell at him, but lately I have been so stressed out trying to cope with a screaming baby, a defiant toddler is just something I have been unable to handle. I hate myself for it, because I know he is just a sweet little guy acting out/jealous....just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and thanks for your honesty!!

Good luck momma! I'm super nervous for baby's arrival and how it may impact things, but I think keeping a cool head is something DH and I REALLY need to focus on!

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