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TTC after 35
HeatherIcon
member
My Blue Light Special...more longwinded musings...sorry...
HeatherIcon
member
in TTC after 35
As promised, I am back with more information about my Blue Light Special (for those of you who never had the pleasure of shopping in a K-Mart circa 1981, the BLS is a special, time limited, super cheap bargain that has been heaped up onto a table, the PA system comes on and the K-Mart manager attempts to lure you to the table for your bargain) now back to the BLS of 2012...
As you may know, I have had several failed attempts at naturally conceiving, IUI's, IVF's and finally after a long and arduous couple months, DH and I finally acquiesced to the donor egg.
It took me four months of searching and reading profiles to find the donor I could love.
I started Lupron on May 5, 2012. Then in June, just as my 23 yr. old egg donor was about to start her 3000.00$ worth of stims...the RE calls and tells me, she only has three follicles. UMM WTF??
Then they said wait until her June cycle, this is a fluke. In June, the un-fertile myrtle once again, three follicles. Then after all the Dr appts, psych evals, labs, genetic screening etc...the RE just decides, we can't use this one. She is not a suitable donor.
WTF!
So, my choices now, three months later, more labs, more waiting...are to pick someone completely new, go through all of the pre-screening, labs, $$$$$, and all the other super, fun and festive appointments, OR....MY Blue Light Special.
The BLS is a lovely young girl, basically who had been through the appointments, been a proven donor, done most of the evals...she has good eggs according to the DE nurse...my problem...
I always feel like I am settling for second best, I can't have one just by sexy time and natural sperm + egg = baby. I couldn't do IUI or IVF, they didn't work. I finally found my perfect donor and she didn't work out...now here I am.
Do I want this so much that I am willing to just continually accept second best? Is the BLS egg donor second best or am I just being bitter?? How bad do I want this?
Lately, I kind of don't even care. It is sad, I was super excited, and now I am just thinking, maybe I should stop this quest. I am already 43, what the hell am I thinking?
Then on the other hand, I really want to be a mom.
Ugh. I thought writing all this out may help. I think it just confused me more.
Well. It gives me more to think about while BLS is finishing her cycle with another family...she has given three families the gift of life...maybe I will give it a chance.
Thanks for letting me vent...it sincerely helps!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My Blue Light Special...more longwinded musings...sorry...
IF is such a disappointing journey and has ways of coloring all our actions and decisions.
I wouldn't look at this new donor as a Blue Light Special (which if memory serves correctly did yield some quite stylish tee shirts for me as a child and the holy grail of family shopping trips - an ICEE if you were good). She is a proven donor and has been able to give three other families their children. She is already vetted too! I would think of her as a very fortunate understudy. She is ready to go! You are ready to go! Think of all the time and energy you save by using her. She knows what is involved and is ready to do it. You get an experienced pro - which is not settling, it's adapting.
I'm excited for you! You aren't losing much time and you are still on track.
I'm glad your RE has at least decided you can't cycle with the other donor, it just sucks that you had to go through everything to have things end that way.
If it were me, and of course this is only my opinion, I would probably go with the proven donor. Timing is very important to me since DH is older than me, and I'm already pretty emotionally spent and I haven't even done IVF yet, so I'd be ready to move things along quickly and with the highest % chance of success. Is there a specific reason this donor wasn't on your original wish list? I'm guessing that even if you pick a donor that has your hair color and build and ethnicity ect, there is still genetic factors at work that you can't predict so I guess what i'm saying is maybe there really isn't any such thing as the "perfect" donor, except for the one that ultimately ends up giving you, your family.
Me 41 DH 46 Not actively ttc, surprise BFP on 1/6/11! 4/1/11 m/c our sunshine at 16wks after complications from CVS test. TTC #2 **5th cycle 12/6/11 BFP! Missed m/c at 9 weeks 1/21/12, trisomy 14. Two Chemical PG 3/12&7/12
** BFP 8/16/12 beta #1 148! beta#2 407 beta #3 4000 u/s 9.10 1 lovely hb 126, Baby Boy is due 04/28/13!!
Heather,
I know how you feel. I wrote a similar post on Vets yesterday. The donor that I wanted was selected yesterday by another recipient. I can't match until I pass my mock cycle which hopefully end on Friday. So, she was ripped out from under me. I don't have time to wait for her to do a 2nd round (she may not want to do another round) and I can't wait for other personal reasons (too complicated to get into).
So, do I have to settle for another donor I don't really want? It is so much more than if she has the same hair color etc. There is just something that "clicks" when you read the profile of someone you want. I'm tired of settling. I have to settle on DE and we should get who we want now-- not a BLS or second best? I don't care that she's proven, she may not be who I want to be my donor.
It's so hard and I know know how you feel. I'm tired of waiting but my options are to wait or settle. It sucks.
TTC #1 since 8/1/10; Me:41 and BRCA1+, DH:46
DOR (FSH 24.3)/ terrible egg quality ; homozygous MTHFR c677t
5 IUI's: 2/11 to 6/11 and 1/12= BFN
OE IVF#1-4 8/11-6/12= all BFN
DE IVF#1 11/12 bad embryos= BFN
DE IVF #2 2/13 BFP/Beta hell: m/c 5w6d
CFNBC 7 months, not doing well; decided on guarantee program at RBA w/frozen DE
DE IVF #3 1/14 ET 4BB; BFP;M/C 5w1d, incomplete m/c; MVA extraction in ER 7w1d
DE FET#1 ET 3/1714; BFP, beta 1 3/27= 197, beta 2 3/31= 1586, beta 3 4/7= 13879!!
First u/s= Twins with HBs at 6w2d! We are Team Pink x 2!!
K & K born 11/21/14 at 38wks 4 days
SAIF/PAIF Welcome
http://waitingforraintostop.wordpress.com
Oh Heather...I am so sorry. I would go with the proven donor but like dhreczuch asked is there a reason why you didn't choose her before? Then again I'm not that far in the process so maybe I will have a better understanding on what you and McIrish mean about it just "clicking",
I do understand the age aspect of it. I wouldn't want to wait longer than I have too also. Big big hugs to you as you make this decision. I wish I had better words of wisdom.
@McIrish....sorry your donor is no longer available
ME:46 MH:44 DE IVF 2014
Met with RE 4/11. 2 IUI's BFN. DE best option. Switched clinics to do "shared" program. Had to retake all tests and a mamm that put me behind and then on a DE waiting list for 12 months. Picked a donor!! (10/13/13) Got matched. Estimated transfer in December. After 2.5 years of patiently waiting I will finally cycle....can hardly believe it. DE cycle got cancelled. One of her tests came back positive. Waiting for another donor. Donor picked!! (1/18/14)
DE IVF #1 (4/26) BFN DE FET #1 (6/4) BFP! Beta 1=339 Beta 2=852 Beta 3=9957 EDD 2/22/15!!
DOR and AMA
2/12-5/12: 4 IUI cycles = all BFN;
7/12: DE IVF # 1 (with ICSI)- 20R, 16M, 14F, 5DT of 2 blasts; 6 frosties = BFN;
Lupus anticoagulant initially high, then found to be normal on hematology consult;
Follow up testing in September all clear;
Started synthroid for "high normal" TSH;
FET # 1- late October 2012- BFP on FRER; beta # 1- 21(low), beta # 2- 48 (still low), beta # 3- 132, beta # 4- 1,293; beta # 5- 5,606; last beta- over 100,000. First u/s 11/21- heard heartbeat
12/12- Officially an OB patient!
Level 2 ultrasound at 20 weeks shows vasa previa and VCI
Referral to MFM and mandatory c section for delivery
Beautiful baby girl born at 34 weeks
Finally home after 15 day NICU stay!
Trying for sibling: FET # 2- May 2014; beta 5/31, BFN
FET #3, early July 2014; beta 7/14, BFN
DE IVF # 2- August 2014; 14R, 13M, 11F, 5dt of 2 blasts (3 AA), 5 frosties = BFN
FET #4- December 2014, yet another BFN
Dr. KK work up shows borderline uterine blood flow, elevated NK cells, and MTHFR mutation (homozygous for c677t)
Added baby aspirin, prednisone, supplements, Metanx, and intralipids
Switched to large clinic for final attempt; had endometrial receptivity testing in January; FET March 2015 = yet another BFN
Likely OAD- NBC
The whole DE process feels like settling, and the most expensive BLS ever, to me. Do you think that your feelings over your BLS donor are really just lingering disappointment and grief over doing DE?
Take everything I'm about to say for what it's worth coming from someone who is still extremely bitter from having gone through an unsuccessful DE cycle... I never felt like our donor was "the one." She was suitable and acceptable, and that was the best I could hope for. During the actual cycle, I didn't get updates on her, and honestly, I was glad not to. All I cared about were the eggs that would be ours. I felt completely disassociated from her as a person. Those feelings are now times 10, as we wait to match with a new donor. While I am very grateful to have the opportunity to do DE and really am mentally OK with going this route, I honestly just don't think any part of it will ever feel "right" until I have a baby in my arms.
Good luck to you.
Me: 36, DH: 42
Dx: DOR and MFI
DH: low count + very low motility; hormones all normal; Sperm DNA Frag. test = poor to fair; male karyotyping normal
Me: FSH 13.4 + AMH 0.26 + hypothyroidism; Scratch the hypothyrodism (?); Blood clotting and immune panel all negative; endometrial biopsy normal
IVF #1 (MDLF - Jul/Aug 2011): BFN (9R, 5M, 3F with ICSI, 3dt of 1 10-cell grade 2, no frosties)
IVF #2 (EP-antagonist - Sep/Oct 2011): BFN (6R, 4M, 3F w/ ICSI, 3dt of 1 6-cell, 1 7-cell, grade 4s, no frosties)
DE IVF #1 (shared cycle - June 2012): c/p (6R, 6F w/ICSI, 3dt 1 8-cell grade A- and 1 7-cell grade A-; no frosties)
DE IVF #2 (shared cycle with new donor - Nov/Dec/ 2012): - BFP!!!!! 12/14/12. U/S on 12/27 shows twins!!!!!
SAIFW/PAIFW
I want to thank you all again for your support, I can't really imagine going through this experience without some way of feeling part of something, knowing I am not alone and the only person who feels like I keep settling...ugh. So frustrating!!
Sorry it took me a week to respond...I was down at the shore, having more delightful Heather time...and my "smart phone" would not allow me to post replies or messages...go figure!
Again, thank you. I know how hard this is for all of us and the support, advice and care I get from this page has made a huge difference in my coping...
Thank you!