Trying to keep my cool...advice? (LONG, NBR)

NativeFloridian · August 2012

So, I'm supposed to be getting married in two weeks, and we really got down to the wire on an officiant. We're pretty much broke, but we needed a very specific service which nobody could seem to supply for us - a non-Christian ceremony. It's a HUGE deal to me because a) I want our marriage vows to honestly reflect the fact that we are good and loving people who want to be together for the rest of our lives, without all the Bible jargon that neither of us believes in, and b) because I so very, very sick and tired of having the stick of Christianity shoved up my @ss, over and over and over by people who think it's the only way to be if you want to live and love properly, and I refuse to be subjected to it on one of the most important days of our lives.

We asked around to see if any of our friends are notaries public, but nope. And then my fiance's told me his step-dad offered to do the honors. I said, "Can we do our own custom vows?" "I don't see why not," he said. Approximately two weeks later, we're cleaning out his parents' house, both helping them move the last of their stuff from storage and cleaning up for the wedding, which is at their house. His mom starts going on about how our ceremony is going to be this beautiful, traditional Christian ceremony, and I'm completely blindsided.

So I talked to my fiance about it and we agreed that we would simply have a civil ceremony up at the court house either shortly before or shortly after our formal ceremony, and just have a charismatic friend fake the formal one for looks (if you will). Fast forward to yesterday, my surprise bridal shower, when my MIL is still going on about her husband doing the ceremony. Uh, what?

I confronted my fiance about it last night, and he told me we had no choice because his step-dad spent a lot of money going to get ordained so he could marry us. So, despite the fact that having a ceremony that is both custom and reflects our beliefs as a couple was so important (to both of us!) before, I'm now being forced into a ceremony I don't jive with because his step-dad spent a lot of money without confirming with us that he was not willing to do the ceremony the way we wanted BEFORE he spent the money? Um, no.

I think my fiance thought I would simply shrug my shoulders and get over it, but I didn't, and I won't. Then he started telling me about how it's disrespectful for us to have a secular ceremony when our families are Christian, that they would never consider our marriage valid. I told him that I didn't care whether anyone else thought our marriage was valid, we'd be married in the eyes of the law and one another, in a way that resounds with us, that if our families really abandoned us, which I HIGHLY doubt, then it would go to show how "Christian" they really are and we didn't need that toxicity in our lives.

I told him I would say "no" if the words out of his step-dad's mouth were not the words we wrote together - that is how completely dead serious I am about it. "Let's just not get married then!" he screams. So I told him the ball was in his court, and walked away from the argument. He raged for a while, and left the house, and then came home with Contagion from Red Box and asked me if I wanted to watch it with him like nothing had happened.

Uh. Okay. I have a feeling I'm about to be put through the "ignore her and she'll have to give up eventually" routine, only the giving up part will be him expecting me to still say "yes" on our sabotaged wedding day. I cannot even convey how upset and angry I am, especially because he and I had an agreement from Moment One that we did not want a traditional ceremony. What the actual eff? Can somebody please tell me what I should do? What would you do?

eesome · August 2012

That's a tough one. It's bad enough you are having a wedding that is against your beliefs, and even worse that your own family (his stepdad) is the one responsible for this mess.

That would be like me having a Jewish wedding as a Lutheran. A little odd, and I would feel really weird. I would probably be more focused on that than the joy of me marrying my husband on my wedding day. The wedding photos would be my frowning the entire time.

Is there any way you can have a sit down conversation with his stepdad and explain how you feel. Tell him you really really appreciate all he is trying to do, and it was so kind of him to spend all this money to prepare for your big day, but...you would be more thankful if your wedding was non-Christian? Then-- if he gets upset, offer to try and reimburse him for the money he has spent to do all this. You will probably need to talk to your fiancee about this before you do it, but I think as the bride and as the future wife, you deserve to have the wedding you have always wanted, and a wedding you feel comfortable with. You know?

Best of luck.

JaysonandKristin · August 2012

You hired an officiant. He isn't holding up his end of the agreement. This is your wedding -- your formal agreement in front of family and friends that you will love and honor one man for the rest of your life.

I wouldn't sign any contract that included beliefs to which I didn't subscribe.

You fire him.

It sucks, but you don't have to have a ceremony that it out of your hands. And, you don't have to go to the courthouse. They should be able to send a civil servant out to your location. I don't think that's an exclusive-to-California thing.

There are MANY, MANY things that will go wrong on your wedding day, but all you can do is prepare for as much as you can. This is like asking for the biggest part of your day to go wrong. I mean, the entire purpose of having a wedding is exchanging vows and committing your lives to one another. Why wouldn't you expect at least that part to be perfect?

Fire him. Just like you'd fire a photographer for expressing that he would be making you take photos in poses you explicitly told him you didn't want. Just like you would fire your caterer for bringing a shellfish dish when you have an allergy... it's just that simple.

navybride06 · August 2012

You are not married yet and your FI is going against you and agreeing with his family. You said you both agreed to what you had wanted. Apparently he did not really truly agree. I would not be going through with something so legal when he can't agree on something so serious. JMO

mgarza1231 · August 2012

I don't have much advice but I hope you get the wedding of your dreams. Maybe DH, you, and his family can have a conversation about what you find appropriate for YOUR wedding.

melissa0726 · August 2012

I would not go through with a marriage ceremony that did not align with my personal beliefs.

It's fine to compromise with your family or fiance on any other aspect of the wedding (menu, seating chart, etc.). But no one should EVER compromise themselves on the part of the wedding that actually matters, which is saying your vows and committing yourself to another person.

I would sit down with your future FIL and tell him that you expect the ceremony to be carried out in the manner of your choosing, no exceptions. If he is truly unwilling to do so, then thanks but no thanks, he would not be marrying me. I would find another way. As another poster mentioned, I have also heard of a civil officiant coming on-site to marry a couple as an alternative to the couple doing it at a courthouse. Something to look into, maybe?

As for your fiance...well, I'm stumped there. I would be very upset, hurt, and angry at my DH if he expected me to "shrug off" my beliefs when it comes to the most important commitment of our adult lives. I think you should absolutely talk it out before getting married, and let him know that it is not acceptable to ignore your feelings about this. This, in my opinion, is not the kind of resentment or contention that you want to have festering inside of you as you prepare to begin your marriage. I wish you the best of luck, maybe after both of you cool off you can try to talk it out again?

Rachey1082 · August 2012

you need to sit down with your FI and his step father. He's working for YOU and your future husband. It does not matter what the rest of the family wants. This is your future and your wedding. If you don't put your foot down now, without fighting, you won't have the wedding you want.

I don't know how you react when placed under high pressure, but personally, I forget everything. So, if I were in your place I would calmly sit down with FI and make a very structured list of what you want in your ceremony. Make sure it's as clear as possible. When you sit down with your FI's step father you can tell him EXACTLY what you want without fighting. He will have a list of everything you need during your wedding. If he won't do it without bringing Christianity into it then tell him nicely that everything is fine and you'll find a judge to do it.

I'm sure if you call the court house you can find someone to marry you at your location. My parents got married by a judge under a few days notice 31 yrs ago, my older sister did 1 year ago, my aunt and uncle have been married 10 years and all they did was call our county court house with one days notice.

+Jasha+ · August 2012

It sounds like FI's stepdad, and mom are trying to force their beliefs on your day. It also sounds like FI has already 'caved' and agreed to their plans.

You first need to sit down with FI and calmly and openly discuss what you would each like to see on that day. Then you need to discuss HOW the two of you will make that day happen, and what the best decision is regarding stepdad/mom.

Then the two of you need to have a frank discussion with stepdad/mom and make them aware of what they can to do help make YOUR day turn out the way you want it. This would include (assuming it's what you and FI agree to) informing them that unless stepdad removes all semblance of religion from the service he will not be preforming the ceremony. Period, end of discussion.

If you don't trust stepdad to keep religion out of the ceremony (and honestly at this point I wouldn't) then I would hire someone else. If he was able to be ordained then a friend of yours who is willing to perform the ceremony that you want should be able to get ordained as well.

Bottom line you are clearly strongly opposed to that type of ceremony, therefore you shouldn't have one.

SO and I are planning on getting married on a cruise ship and plan to avoid the religious aspects as well. It's not part of our lives and I don't feel it should be included in our wedding ceremony.

I think this is one time where you can be 'bridezilla' and get away with it.