Just wondering what others think of this

CFjo2010 · August 2012

This weekend while K is here, she's been talking a lot more about the things that she does when she's with BM. She's been telling us about going to Disneyland, Knotts Berry Farm, the beach, etc. We assume it's just because she's glad that she's actually going out and doing stuff as opposed to the normal routine of staying with Gma while BM is off doing whatever. We don't really ask specifics except for normal conversational things such as, "Who did you get to swim with", etc.

Quick backstory so that I can ask my question: BM's on-again off-again BF (they're now on-again apparently) has a now 2 year old. BM and BF were dating when his son was born. At the 1st birthday party, K was sad and said that she and BM weren't invited to the party, but that BF and all his friends and family went. I found it strange that BF wouldn't have a separate party so that his family, friends and BM could attend. In fact, it was sort of a red flag to me about BM and BF's relationship.

Today at my son's football game, K asked why we do separate birthday parties for her. I explained that with all of BM's friends/family and all of mine and Daddy's friends/family, it gets too hard to find one day that works for everyone so we decided to have 2 parties. Not the truth, but that's all K needs to know. The truth is, almost 5 years ago BM told my husband that my kids and I weren't allowed to attend the birthday party, so he told her that from now one they would do separate parties. K then tells me that they weren't invited to the son's party again this year because M (the son's mother) doesn't like BM and K. I asked her why she thought that and she said BM told her.

Not really sure what to say, I told K that I'm sure she misunderstood what Mommy meant and that I'm sure M likes her very much and maybe there was just a schedule problem and that's why they weren't able to go. Maybe lying to K wasn't a good idea, but I really didn't know what to say to a 6 1/2 year old. She seemed so sad that M doesn't like her, and I just can't understand why BM would actually tell her that. Was I completely wrong in what I said? I'm just looking for some insight in case it gets mentioned again so maybe I can handle it differently next time, because I'm sure there will be a next time.

Holly_1007 · August 2012

yeah I agree with angela. I don't think I would straight up lie about it. honestly, its something that you aren't involved with and know nothing about. no harm in telling her that. hopefully BM said that to K out of a moment of poor judgment and wasn't rubbing it in her face or anything.

If K brings it up again I would just play it off on BM... "Its interesting that mommy thinks that M doesn't like her or you, I don't know enough about the situation to understand why that would be, you're such a sweet girl K" or something along those lines.

twister22 · August 2012

I agree with PP's about not lying to K. I would just approach it "It's a sticky situation sweetie. Sometimes grown ups just can't get along, and it's not your fault. Your an awesome kid and we love you so much." Letting her know it's not an issue with HER should make her feel a lot better. But, don't directly make BM the bad guy.

Wahoo · August 2012

I would say something like "I don't know M, but I can't imagine any reason why she wouldn't like YOU!"

Shame on BM for saying that to K!!! She could have just said that M doesn't like her (BM) or made up anything. blech!

christy2125 · August 2012

Ive had that situation with my SD before; once when she was 7 and we are going through it again now. When she was she was 7, she insisted that it was because the adults in the situation didn't like her or her family. All I said was that sometimes when an adult doesn't like a child or doesn't want a child around its because something is wrong with them, NOT because anything is wrong with that child. I also told my SD that she was going to run into alot of arrogant people in her life but that had nothing to do with who she is as a person.

It has really helped her alot. She no longer takes it personally when adults don't want her around; she just shrugs it off and says well its their loss she is 11 now

CFjo2010 · August 2012

Wahoo:
Shame on BM for saying that to K!!! She could have just said that M doesn't like her (BM) or made up anything. blech!

This is what upset me the most about the situation. If BF and M haven't worked through things and he's not sticking up for himself and people he claims to care about, that's on them and BM. But why on Earth tell a 6 year old the gory details? I feel like its just setting the tone for K to grow up resenting M later on if BM and BF actually get married. It's just another instance of BM treating K as a confidante instead of as a child.

twister22 · August 2012

Wahoo:
I would say something like "I don't know M, but I can't imagine any reason why she wouldn't like YOU!"

Shame on BM for saying that to K!!! She could have just said that M doesn't like her (BM) or made up anything. blech!

That is perfect.

BM needs to learn that K is her 6 year old daughter, not her adult friend... Sheesh.

FutureMrsWittig · August 2012

Next time maybe say "I find it hard to believe she doesn't like you. She's never met you, and if she did she would love you. You're kind, you're smart, you're funny, etc..." Take the focus off what's wrong with the situation and put it on everything that's right with K. Then maybe offer to help her make a card for BFs son?

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