Bedtime battles

fiasco · August 2012

We have used the same bedtime routine forever for our 3 1/2 yr old and over the last few months it has stopped working. His fits are getting worse and it is getting later and later by the time it's all over. It is very upsetting for everyone involved. Last night was exceptionally awful, so we've been discussing his bedtime routine with him today. I told him I will draw him a picture of pj's, brush teeth, potty, 2 books and one story and lights out that's it. If we are very strict and consistent ie: none of this one more story, I'm not tired, etc etc nonsense, then we close the door and DS gets up immediately would you a) quietly return him back to bed even if it takes 50 times and he gets violent (can you tell we've tried?) or b) lock the door? If you chose b) and he cried and kicked the door, destroyed his room, etc, would you ever go back in or just leave him to pass out? Also, if you tried to reason with him would you take away a privilege (like tv the next day) or promise something fun the next day? Sorry if I'm scattered but I really don't know what to do.

Spin313 · August 2012

Personally, I wouldn't do A or B. I would consider the problem first...is he overtired, just fighting for control, not feeling well...? I might try moving the bedtime routine back 15 or 20 minutes; maybe he's still too wound up and a later bedtime would make things easier. Have you tried physical activity before bedtime ie playing in the yard or taking a family walk?

I don't believe in letting kids call all the shots, but just because the routine works for you doesn't mean it works for your son. Sounds like he might benefit from a new/updated routine.

flyingsaucer · August 2012

I would NOT lock my kid in a room. I think that it is bad emotionally as well as dangerous. I agree with pp, you may need to look at the routine. Earlier might be better.

"props" have worked for us, for example, giving DS a small flashlight to read books in bed with. Also, we bought something called Tag Jr a while back. You buy books and download them onto this little device that kids run over the books and it reads the pages out loud to them. DS loves this and will sit in bed and read until he falls asleep.

You could also try a sticker chart. Get a calendar and give your LO a sticker each night when he "does a good job" if he earns a certain number of stickers (start with 3 or 5) he can choose a toy or a special outing. Eventually you can aim for a week of good bed times for a special night out or something like that.

GL!

la79al · August 2012

Have you considered duct tape? No seriously, we were in your position. Right around lunchtime I would start dreading bedtime. We have now had about 3 weeks of better bedtimes. First of all, I started making sure all of the procrastination stuff was taken care of. She got a bedtime snack, a drink and used the potty. I started spacing out bedtime routine with downtime in between. She gets jammies on at 7:30, watches a show or does something quiet, gets bedtime snack around 8:15. Shortly after 8:30 she heads to the bathroom to potty and brush her teeth. She comes out, gives anyone else hugs and kisses and we head up to my bed. She falls asleep in my bed and then I move her out before I come to bed (unless DH is working overnight, then she gets to stay). This really helps with keeping her quiet while I try to put DD2 down since they share a room. When I lay her in my bed, I make sure to spend about 10 minutes snuggling with her, rubbing her back, whatever. She has really been verbalizing lately that she is not getting enough of this, even though I didn't realize she felt this way. Even if I am doing bedtime by myself, DD2 comes up with us and lays on the other side of DD1. Probably the most important part of our new bedtime thing though is the star chart. I took an index card and drew 20 squares on it. Everytime she goes to bed 'like a big girl' I take a pink sharpie and draw a star in one of the squares. When she gets all 20 squares filled in, she gets a new 'big girl' bed (she's still in a toddler). Obviously I won't always get her big stuff like this but she needs a new bed anyhow. We have done the chart with fewer stars for smaller things before and had great results. Problem was, once she got her reward, I would stop doing the chart, instead of figuring out something else for her to work toward. Bedtimes were so bad in our house, I am definitely not above bribery. I would try the whole 'if you go right to sleep we'll do xyz in the morning' and it got us nowhere. A few other things that we have tried that got good results--letting DD lay on the sofa while I did whatever quiet in the living room. She couldn't do anything but lay there and would eventually fall asleep. I really had to be ready to do nothing though, not very cool for the only kid free time I get. It let her feel like she was getting some more attention though. Also, laying her in bed and making up stories with her. One night it would be my turn to make up the story, with input from her and then the next night it would be her turn to make up a story (usually the same story I told the night before). Things that did not work-A) dragging her to bed, screaming at her to stay in bed or else,

dragging her back to bed a million times a night, only to end up with both of us in tears or near tears. WIth my kiddo, it really seems to be that she just wants more attention from me. If I work with her and give her attention, she is more willing to work with me and listen. I have pretty much learned that going head to head with a preschooler, no one is really going to win (and they can last a pretty long time). Good luck! I know what it's like to want to get an evening job so this is someone, ANYone elses problem.

CarolinaDaisy · August 2012

We went through this phase also, but it was more just getting out of bed a million times. Then he fell asleep too late and was up extra early. It was a rough patch. Is your son still napping? If so, you might want to think about shortening it and not napping every day. Then he'll be tired enough to fall asleep earlier. Although, dropping the nap was also not fun at all. But a large number of children drop naps before 4. Not wanting to go to sleep at bedtime could really mean he isn't tired. Our 4 yr old does not nap anymore and if he sleeps later in the morning than normal, then it does take him longer to fall asleep at night. Otherwise, just keep taking him quietly back to bed. We did have knob covers on our son's room so he couldn't let himself out, but he never banged on the door or destroyed the room. He knew he couldn't let himself out so he learned to stay in his bed. He no longer has a knob cover on his doorknob because sometimes he needs to let himself out to go to the potty now. So anyhow, it's a very unfun phase but it will pass! Good luck!

bim38106 · August 2012

CarolinaDaisy:
We went through this phase also, but it was more just getting out of bed a million times. Then he fell asleep too late and was up extra early. It was a rough patch. Is your son still napping? If so, you might want to think about shortening it and not napping every day. Then he'll be tired enough to fall asleep earlier. Although, dropping the nap was also not fun at all. But a large number of children drop naps before 4. Not wanting to go to sleep at bedtime could really mean he isn't tired. Our 4 yr old does not nap anymore and if he sleeps later in the morning than normal, then it does take him longer to fall asleep at night. Otherwise, just keep taking him quietly back to bed. We did have knob covers on our son's room so he couldn't let himself out, but he never banged on the door or destroyed the room. He knew he couldn't let himself out so he learned to stay in his bed. He no longer has a knob cover on his doorknob because sometimes he needs to let himself out to go to the potty now. So anyhow, it's a very unfun phase but it will pass! Good luck!

This exactly!!! We went through this with DD1 when she was just shy of turning 4, and now going through it with Dd2 and she'll be 3 in Oct. It's all about the nao dropping in my experience. Its a tough phase, but once they've dropped that nap and gotten into a good new routine, things go back to normal! In all, it was a 6 month process for Dd1, and its been a few months now with dd2..

ridesbuttons · August 2012

The good news is that this doesn't last forever. The bad new is: it truly sucks when you are in the midst of it.

With my kids, I found that starting bedtime earlier helps. So (for us) if the tv is on, it goes off at 6:30 and the kids go upstairs. Bath, teeth, pajamas next. Then time to play in their rooms, read books, work on puzzles, etc. Quiet time by 7:30 and lights out, in bed alone no later than 8pm.

If a kid gets out of bed I order them back with warnings. If it persists, I follow through on the warnings (which is usually closing the door). I have held a door closed for a few minutes on, oh, half a dozen occasions over the last 2 years (kids are 3 and 5). When I reopen the door I ask the child if they want the door left open. Always the answer is 'yes'. So I tell them that if they want the door open, they need to get into bed and stay there.

Don't reason with them or take excuses. Whatever he says you respond, "it's bedtime, please get into bed" (or some variation).

Stay the course. It won't last forever unless you give in to his demands.

Angela814 · August 2012

I found that "Sleepless in America" was a great book about sleep in general, and it showed me a lot of areas in our day that were possibly disrupting night time sleep.

I've also heard people have good luck with a "get out of bed" card. Your child gets one card and one chance to get out of bed for... an extra hug, a glass of water, whatever. After that they have to stay in bed. I think it works because it gives them some control over the situation.

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