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Adoption
Postpartum Depression Leads to Finding a Surrogate - here's my story
Hi ladies, I used to be on here ALL.THE.TIME before I had my first daughter in 2010, but now I'm back with a new journey that I wanted to share with you all on this board, and to get some advice.
To make a long story short, I suffered SEVERE postpartum depression with DD and was hospitalized for over 6 months total. I received electric shock treatments. DD was taken away from me for a few months because I couldn't cope with her in the house. It was awful. I was told never to have children again because I could risk my life or the life of the newborn. At the time I thought "thank goodness" because WHY wouldn I EVER want to go through this again?! The thought of it made me naseous.
Fast forward two years and we come to today. The thought of never having anymore children breaks my heart. I want a brother or sister for DD sooo bad - I dream about it all the time. I am recovered and well controlled with medication. I love my DD to pieces and she is my world. I can't imagine thinking all of the things that I did when I was sick. The thought of not completing my family was stressing me out so badly that I was starting to become "down" (not depressed like I was, just blue), but I knew I had to do something.
We looked into adoption, but could not afford to $20,000 for private, nor could we wait 7+ years for public. Also, I wasn't sure if I wanted someone re-hashing my life story during a home study. It just didn't seem to fit for us.
Then we came across Traditional Surrogacy - where my husband's sperm artifically inseminates another woman's egg. And we fell in love with the idea.
But that's what brings me here. The child will not be mine, and I will have to complete a step parent adoption. I have questions about attachment and whether or not I will feel resentment towards the child or my husband.
How do you prepare to attach with your newborn adopted baby? I have not yet completed any courses, but plan to in the near future. Any attachment advice would be much appreciated.
Thanks for reading, and I apologize if I've posted this in the wrong forum...
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Re: Postpartum Depression Leads to Finding a Surrogate - here's my story
I have no answers at all for you, I just wanted to say hello to you. Your daughter is adorable and you will stay at the top of my thoughts.
I hope someone has some answers for you.
Thanks so much! I like hello's just as much as "answers"
All the best to you!
I'm no help either, but have you looked into a gestational carrier? In using a GC, the baby is yours and YH's bio child and another woman carries it. You'd need still to have a lawyer involved, but it may be something else to think about?
Good luck to you
Hi! Yes, we've looked into having a GS/GC however its far too expensive for us right now
Sure we can afford to have another baby and all, but we don't have $20,000+ just sitting around for that purpose. So here we are!
Well, the child WILL be yours, just not biologically. In every other respect, it will be your child, just as an adopted child would. I like to think my DD is even more my child because a judge told everyone so!
There are resources out there on attachment fears and issues in adoption. I'd check adoptivefamilies.com and see what they have to start.
We didn't prepare at all. I knew that even some bio parents didn't immediately bond with their child, so I wasn't stressed about some magical moment when I laid eyes on DD. DH was a little concerned, but the moment he saw DD he was hooked.
In your case, I'd be more concerned about post-adoption depression, which can happen in a fair number of adoptions. Since you have a history of severe PPD, this is something to keep in mind as you move forward. Adoptive Families should have some info on that too. Also check our FAQs to see if they can point you to some other resources.
GL!
Adoptive Families magazine has an article on Post-Adoption Depression this month. I think you can buy the magazine at Barnes & Noble, etc. I would also see if maybe the article is online. Looking at their website, it must be the Sept/Oct issue that has the article. I subscribe, so maybe I recevieved the next copy early. The current issue is their annual adoption survey/cost reports. https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/table_of_contents.php
Either way, Adoptive Families magazine and website are great resources for researching and understanding adoption.
Also agree with PP that I have not heard of traditional surrogacy nor gestional carrier costing less than $20K. When I researched, either option ranged from $50K-$100K plus. There is another board called https://surromomsonline.com/ that might be helpful to you for resarching legal aspects and costs.
I'm sorry you had such a horrible experience. I had severe PPA and had a short hospitalization because of extreme panic attacks after DD was born and I got to the point where I couldn't even function and I seriously thought I was going die and DD would be stuck at home by herself and no one would find us and she would die too (my DH was gone until she was 4 months old and I had no family anywhere within 3000 miles). It was horrible but luckily I was able to get it under control and flew out and stayed with my parents for awhile until DH was back. I should have caught it sooner - the anxiety started during pregnancy (I paid for about 15 ultrasounds out of pocket to make sure DD was still ok and never told DH...) I am completely terrified of the idea of going back to that place and having the anxiety again (but I loved being pregnant and desperately want to experience the good parts again!) I don't know yet if we will. I really want to be a foster parent and I'm hoping I'll be able to as all my doctors feel confident the anxiety is resolved (I am off all medication). I'm not sure if maybe in 5-7 years we will try again but I will definitely be on the lookout for issues and will address any anxiety much sooner. I don't have specific advice but I have talked to other moms with severe PPD and PPA and many have had no issues with subsequent pregnancies... It has given me some confidence but I want to wait until DD is old enough that I won't have the stress of a toddler and newborn. My sister adopted 2 girls and has 2 biological and she loves them all with all her heart and there is no different love for her biological daughters. It doesn't matter to her at all! She also suffered severe PPA and had no issues following adoption with depression or anxiety.
Is foster care an option with your PPD past even if it's controlled? Then you could adopt through foster care if the perfect fit came to you and the child was able to be adopted... Or, talk to your doctors obviously but maybe in the future you could have another if you are closely monitored and have extra help in the beginning. You need to do what you feel comfortable with but I'd also try to talk to moms who have suffered PPD like you because there are many many success stories if you are very closely monitored and get on medications immediately following birth (you might not be able to breastfeed but your health is more important). I seriously wish you luck and I'm sure you will love any child no matter how they come to you and feel free to PM me anytime you need to talk! We have different situations but I'd be happy to chat!
Have you found a clinic to do traditional surrogacy?
It's fairly uncommon now due to the inherent legal issues and the fact that those contracts aren't often upheld by the courts since it is seen as an adoption where the birth mom (surrogate) has the right to her bio child if she chooses and can't sign that away until after birth as with any adoption.
Feel free to join in on the IF board or the SAIF board and ask there though I don't think anyone has done it.