My first, SO 3rd...ADVICE...HELP!

Alysia4977 · August 2012

This will be my first baby and SO 3rd. Problem is, we are so fresh in finding out the news of my pregnancy (just found out....due April 2013), that right now, both our minds are clouded and emotional. Right now, he feels he does not want this and one reason is due to his 2 girls he already has stating that he feels it would be wrong for them because they still want "mommy and daddy" together. His ex just moved away, they have been divorced for about 3 or 4 years now and she is engaged. So, advice??? What can I say to help ease him? What hotlines are there that we can both get help from and start to work on the issue at hand? We both live together at the time and I WANT our baby, although this was very UNEXPECTED!!! Help! Will he come around and be more accepting to my pregnancy???

Jessys_Girl · August 2012

Well, 1) I don't know of any "hotlines" to help with this sort of situation. It's going to be something the two of you just have to talk through. And 2) Maybe something your SO needs to realize is that his girls already see that "Mommy and Daddy" aren't together. Mommy is engaged and moved away and Daddy is living with someone else.

How old are his girls? And how long have you two been together?

Depending on their age, he can absolutely have a talk with them and explain that while Mommy and Daddy love them both very much, that they are not going to be together as a married couple anymore and that now they have two more people to love/care about them (Stepdad to be and Stepmom to be). Have him make it a very POSITIVE thing. A blended family is not always a negative even though a lot of kids see it that way at first.

I would NOT bring up the new baby until a while after he's had this conversation with them. They need to start feeling okay/secure in the new blended family before they know that there will be yet another change.

SueBear · August 2012

Ok, this is not your (singular) pregnancy. It is YOUR (plural) pregnancy. Was your SO using a condom every time, as HE was the one who didn't feel the time was right?

There are no hotlines, but if you have an EAP at work, you might be able to get free counseling at least for a few sessions.

Are you sure you want to go through this with someone who is so unsupportive? Because while your pregnancy was unexpected, this is not going to be the only unexpected aspect of parenting that you will be going through. Life does not always go as planned, and you seem to have a guy who can't roll with the punches. While his girls may hope that mom and dad get back together, that didn't stop him from MOVING IN with you, and that didn't stop their mom from getting engaged. Is he using his girls as an excuse to hide his real feelings? Could he have been playing you when he said he was open to having more children?

If it were me I would tell him that if he is not on board wtih the pregnancy, he can move out and think about where he wants the relationship to go. I realize that might not be the right choice for you.

karatechrissy · August 2012

If mom is engaged and you two live together it sounds like he is using this excuse w the girls to help soften the blow to you that he just plain doesn't want this. How long have you been dating? I think he sounds scared and is grasping at straws to get out of this w out looking like a douche. This will drastically change your life and your relationship. I hope you are both strong enough to make it work. You need to have a talk w him and he needs to have a heart to heart w the girls. A few sessions of counseling won't hurt. Good luck.

NewMoM2Be10 · August 2012

ok honey... I HAVE BEEN HERE... with my first pregnancy it wasnt planned and i got pregnant the month after he moved in .. he has 2 boys from a prior marriage and he was a single man.. he was care free.. when i found out he reacted the same way.. "i dont know if i want this" "we don love each other" we bearly know each other etc... and so i went through the drama... i cried almost every night wondering if im doing the right thing if im having my baby .. wondering how im going to to this by myself. omg but he "TOLD" me before i got pregnant he was ready and he wanted to have more blah blah blah.. at times he would stay at his moms house for 2 to 3 days at a time.. because he "wasnt sure what he wanted" so one day i went to my dr appt.. at around 12 weeks.. and i saw my LO hb beating away and there he was kicking away and rolling and being silly.. and i said wait a minute i need to put on my big girl panties... so i sucked it up and after the appt i called him to come over we needed to talk.. and i told him straight out.. we did this together.. you are either in or your out.. if you are in i want you 100% committed and just because you have to i know we havent been together that long and i know that we have alot of work to do but if we both give it all we got.. we will move forward.. but if you say you are out... i dont want you to call me.. i dont want anything from you.. its like we dont exist .. so i told him to leave and that night he came back and we just talked and he broke down and told me what reallllyyyy was going on... his ex had cheated on him n she got pregnant.. the whole pregnancy he was there and until she was 8 months she told him he wasnt the dad and he left her they went through divorce n when the kid was born dna confirmed it wasnt his.. he was devastated and he had aloot of mixed feelings he didnt know what to do.. so we went through a couple of months of counseling.. and got it together... se point of the story is.. men are different than us... they dont "get" it as soon as we do.. they need alot of patience and if its meant to be its meant to be.. its tough sometimes but as a couple and adults you got to assume responsibilities for your actions and decide what is best for both of you

ok so now we are expecting our 3rd.. recently bought a home... we got custody of his 2 boys.. and we get married by church sept 9 and everyday we work at our relationship.. we learned to become best friends.. lovers.. and everything that comes along with it.. hope this helps u

dont give up so easily(sorry so long)

BEST OF LUCK Big Smile

magsugar13 · August 2012

will he? maybe yes, maybe no.

Should you wait around until he decides? umm no

If you want this baby then you should be prepared 100% to raise it alone.

What happens if in 3 months he says ok yeah i want to be part of this baby's life and then at 3 years...he says umm nope it was a mistake?

Alysia4977 · August 2012

My SO has come around and is very supportive of OUR pregnancy now! He approached me first about my wishes. I am relieved. We talked about his girls, how and when we would tell them, how and when we would tell his family. Slowly, everything is looking up. I just need prayers though for a healthy pregnancy. I saw brown spotting last night and very very very little today. No major cramping. Just round ligament pain. I am about 5 1/2 weeks. Is this normal? should I go to the ER? My doctor said it was normal, as it could be implantation bleeding or spotting from having sex.

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