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Dads & Dads-to-be
How would you handle my situation? [Help is greatly appreciated].
To start off, here is a little background on me and my family. My name is Emily and I'm 19y.o. My boyfriend is Jesse and he's 21y.o. We both go to school, although he is in his senior year and I in my sophomore. We are happily together, just not expecting a little one of our own so soon. But now we are expecting in Jan. 2013. We are both very happy and excited, but still working out the kinks of what we will do in the future in regards to living arrangements, money, etc. Especially because he is going to be taking some higher level classes. Last night we were talking on the phone about a friend of ours from school and how she is looking for a roommate for spring semester. We originally planned for him to move in with me, my mom, and the baby. As of last night, he is now thinking about getting an apartment with our friend so that when he has major tests and what ever else (needs a quiet place to study in and sleep at), he can go there. I'm quite upset with this because I don't get that option, and I wouldn't want that option if I could have it. Being a parent to me is being there for your sig. other and child all the time. So, to me, he thinks that because he is dealing with higher level classes (which by all means I understand) he gets to skip out on being a parent whenever he needs "a break" from the kid. . I'm not okay with that. It's all or nothing for me. Any Advice?
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Re: How would you handle my situation? [Help is greatly appreciated].
Can't he get away from you guys and study when he needs too? "hey need to study" and you take the kid for a couple hours? or he go to a coffee shop and study? I'm not really getting his need to live elsewhere unless maybe he's not sure about your relationship or doesn't like the fact that he'd also be living with your mom?
This sounds like it is more a description of marriage instead of the situation you are in. Sorry to be harsh, but the only situation where such an arrangement is mandatory is marriage. Being a good parent has nothing to do with a living arrangement. What you are describing is marriage, and from what you stated here, you are not in that type of relationship. Your anger appears to be that he is not doing what you expect him to be doing based on how you see your relationship.
At this point, considering you are not married, count your blessings and be happy that you have a man who is standing by you atr such a young age.
Ok, so I know I'm crashing dad's board (sorry guys!), but I have had friends in this situation before and I have watched for years go through this. (Also, this also isn't a board for you to go to to seek male advice/wisdom/etc about your guy/relationship/etc, just read some of the posts). (IF you are interested in that, go to whattoexpect to their relationship board).
But anyways, for me it sounds like a huge waste of money to move in at an apartment with someone, and I doubt needing a quiet place is the real reason. There are libraries, study rooms, another level of the house, etc to go study at, there's no reason for a separate apartment. Who would pay for that apartment? Couldn't that money go towards the baby instead? Are either of you working? That to me just seems like he's trying to get space. And why would he move in with another girl? (NOT making any assumptions, just saw it said girl).
As a recent college grad (as of May), I get how hard it can be studying for finals, let alone once you have a baby. You're at least lucky enough to have yours at the beginning of a term, my friend had her twins during finals week! It's going to be a hard adjustment for you both, especially doing both at the same time, and to be it doesn't sound like he understands the amount of work a child takes. I think this is a conversation you guys are going to have to have face to face, rather than just over the phone, and you are going to have to decide who has baby when/who does what/who takes him/her where/at what time, is one of you going to take day classes and the other night, who will watch him/her while you're in class, etc. You both are going to have to really structure your lives around your child and it's essential to get it all worked out prior, otherwise it might cause issues. And like you even said its like hes "skipping out on being a parent when he needs a break" I think that he's looking for a hideout away from the situation.
Okay so understanding what it was like to be that young I understand why you would be upset. But being that we are of the older crowd I would definitely take our advice to heart.
1. If you were to be married or even engaged it would be one thing to be upset and expect him to live with you. If he wasn't that would be a HUGE red flag!!
2. You should understand that he may not be ready for all of this and he is trying to gently tell you that he wants to live on his own. I would give him the time and the space to do what he needs. Unfortunately it looks like he is trying to take a step back from the relationship and I would take that as a warning.
Good luck!
BFP#1: 08/30/12 EDD 04/30/12 m/c 09/04/12 6wks
BFP#2: 01/27/13 EDD 10/06/13 missed m/c 02/25/13 9wks
BFP#3: 10/30/13 EDD 07/05/14 Our little dude was born on 07/10/14 @ 2:19p
I think you two need to have a serious talk. My husband and I met towards the end of my last semester and we got pregnant pretty fast. We knew we wanted to get married, but for various reasons we put it off until after our son was born. I deeply, DEEPLY regret this. Why? Because my fiance, now husband, did not step up to the plate as much as he could have. I went back and forth between my parents' house and his parents' house which were two hours apart... he would get lonely and wish I was there, but I would only see him a couple hours each day and his family was not very inviting. It caused a lot of stress for me that he didn't step up to the plate and keep the apartment I had during my last year of college and put me through not being able to get a job during my pregnancy because I wasn't in one place for a long enough time.
With THAT being said, you two need to figure out if you are in this relationship for the long haul or NOT. If you are, then I highly advise finding a cheap place to stay together. If both of you have to cut back on the number of hours you are taking at school and work part-time, so be it. If the commitment of marriage is not part of this picture, then you need to do some hard thinking about what your future is going to look like. I highly suggest talking to a lawyer and laying down the law on what it would look like for your boyfriend if you two didn't get married - how much child support would be involved each month, how much visitation he would get, etc. He might open up his eyes and realize a lot of things. His life is no longer about himself anymore, whether or not you two get married.
I know most young mothers in your position want to keep their children, but perhaps you could look into the option of adoption. Many couples are willing to have very open adoptions now, meaning you both could see your child for birthdays and holidays and get monthly email updates on how they are doing, pictures, etc. There have been a lot of times I wish I had given that more thought, because I have been so unhappy in my marriage. It is slowly getting better, but it has been a very painful road for me to travel.
My first advice is to seek out help at your local pregnancy help center, they often have classes for young parents to work out kinks in relationships, how your child will be raised, etc. And secondly, contact a lawyer. I wish you both the best of luck and I hope you both will use this as a lesson in selflessness and taking on responsibility for your actions (aka growing up).
If you want any help on ways to save money while having a baby, contact me on Facebook at The Daily Cloth Diaper
DH took a very VERY demanding class when DS was only 8 weeks old. The class lasted up until right before DS turned 1. When he needed quiet to study, he either went to the library or sat in the park. I understood completely.
Your situation is weird though. If he chooses to move with a friend rather than you & the baby, then you know his priorities are skewed. Not cool.
I agree. DH has recently started his MA, and his plan for after the baby comes is to stay an extra hour or so at work each day (he's usually home relatively early, so that's not a big deal) to focus solely on school work, that way when he gets home he can just do dad things. There are definitely ways to deal with a very distracting household.
I wouldn't push it right now. He's probably freaked out and wanting to assert some form of independence in a situation where independence is generally thrown out the window, in the sense that, he's no longer going to be in it just for him, he's going to have a child to care for, as well.
Needing a quiet place to study or work just seems like a cop out to me. Maybe he's weird about living with your mom (which I get), maybe he's just freaked about having a kid (which I also get), but either way, he needs to man the fluck up and say what it is so it can be dealt with. But just using the "it's gonna be too loud with a baby" excuse is just lame lame lame. He (well, both of you, sorry) should have thought about that before engaging in sexual activity.