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March 2013 Moms
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telling friends who've lost a baby

wittyschaffywittyschaffy member
in March 2013 Moms

I'm not quite sure how to best handle this.  Last fall, my friends lost their son 8 1/2 months into their pregnancy.  The details of what transpired aren't totally clear to me but I know that it was obviously an emergency situation, he was delivered by c-section but never took a breath or woke on his own.  He was on a ventilator for a few days and they opted to remove him from life support and were able to donate his organs.  

I don't see them regularly but I am close enough to them to attend major life events like weddings (and sadly, funerals).   The whole thing was just so tragically sad.  

I don't want to be insensitive to how tough it must be for them to celebrate other people's pregnancies and from dealing with IF for so long, I know how they might feel (a little anyway).  If I were telling someone about this baby-nugget who I knew was having IF issues, I'd tell them in person or on the phone.  Do you think the same kind of treatment is warranted here too?  I don't to shove anything in their faces or bring up any painful feelings for them but I don't want to hide things from them either.  

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Re: telling friends who've lost a baby

  • philfemgalphilfemgal member

    Email--absolutely over email IMO.  I lost my daughter at almost 19 weeks and while we were TTC 6 months later very close friends of ours announced their pregnancy.  Thankfully they did so over email because our response was to just sob and sob for hours afterwards.  I don't know what would have happened if they had told us over the phone or in person.

    Of course we are so happy for them and can't wait to meet their baby.  But the immediate feelings I had the first few days after we heard--jealousy at how happy and certain they felt at 12 weeks, anger at how unfair the universe is, re-grieving our entire loss, fear that we would never have a baby, etc.  Of course everyone is different--perhaps these friends of yours will react differently.  And maybe it makes a difference that it sounds like you are not extremely close to them.

    But my vote is totally for not in person or on the phone.

    BFP #1 9/21/11. EDD 6/4/12.  Twins discovered at 8 weeks. Twin B lost at 14 weeks due to megacystis.  Alice Joe born and lost 1/5/12 at 18.5 weeks due to pre-term labor.

    BFP #2 7/11/12.  EDD 3/23/13.  Ada Alice born 3/20/13.

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  • wittyschaffywittyschaffy member
    Thank you for your perspective (and sorry for your previous loss).  Email sounds like a winner.  And you're right; Not extremely close.  Close enough to get together from dinner from time to time and have stuff to talk about but we don't see them every week.
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  • ecteacher23ecteacher23
    We have experienced 2 losses and had people tell us about their pregnancies both in person and email.  As PP said, I  too sobbed for a long time after reading an email, but atleast I was able to do so in private.  Whereas doing it in person,  I had to hold back emotions, which was definitely more difficult. My best advice would be, be sure to tell them before they find out from someone else though, because that really hurts when you feel like they purposely didn't tell you.  I hope this makes sense. 
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  • jinnymbjinnymb member

    My sister in law lost her baby two weeks ago at 18 weeks.  It is such a horrible experience for them and we have been there for them as much as possible (they are out of state).  Unfortunately we had not told any friends or family about our baby yet so we have been going back and forth on what to do.

    When I saw my SIL, if she would have flat out asked me I would not have lied of course, but she didn't. 

    We were planning on sending a cutesy email to family and close friends with the boys in their Big Brother shirts etc...  after our appointment next week. However, we are def sending a seperate respectful email to her and BIL just to let them know that we are pregnant, we are 11 weeks along, and due in March. I would like to wait longer but it's my 3rd and people are outing me and I do not want them to hear it from another source.

     DH's family does not speak to them so they are not deeply effected by the situation, which is a whole other message board.



    Natural M/c 12/13/08 at 8w5d 

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  • TMWarren85TMWarren85 member

    I would not even know where to begin in your situation- I had a miscarriage earlier this year and when my sister called and told me she was pregnant a few weeks back I had this odd surge of emotions (even though I was pregnant at the time). My miscarriage was early on, so I hadn't had months to continue developing a bond with that baby, but even so, my instant reaction was that it was unfair... (unfortunately she ended up not being pregnant- not sure of the situation, but I feel really guilty now for my knee-jerk reaction and the end result with my sister).

    On the flip side, I have a coworker who has been struggling with IF, multiple miscarriages alongside other issues, and she was the first (and only) person I told at my office. Partially because she knew about the miscarriage and I knew she would understand, and I wanted her to find out first from me before it became office gossip. I know she struggled a bit with the news but seems happy for me and our situation. 

    Congrats on your LO, and I think it's great that you are considering the feelings of your friends in this time of joy for you.  

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  • amurryduncanamurryduncan

    I have a similar issue and I don't know if the same advice would work for them. My husband and I have a couple that we're fairly close to (they live down the street and typically we see them every week or two). They have had fertility issues for over a year and a half and have been going through IUI and now some alternative treatments. 

    The last few weeks I've had family obligations but soon I know they'll want to get together and soon enough we will need to tell them. I don't want to be insensitive and I know she has especially dealt with friends that do not seem as considerate about her situation as she'd like. I was thinking maybe I should ask her for coffee or something. I want to be respectful, but also want her to feel that I trust her and value her friendship as well. So hard and already over-thinking. 

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  • SkyExodusSkyExodus
    imageamurryduncan:

    I was thinking maybe I should ask her for coffee or something. I want to be respectful, but also want her to feel that I trust her and value her friendship as well.

    WHOA there - Please don't do that. A very close friend of mine told me about her pregnancy while the two of us were sitting at my kitchen table. She knew about my losses and thought it would be easier for me if we were sitting down and just talking as friends. It wasn't easier. It was horrendous! It put me in a position where I felt like all I wanted to do was runaway & get somewhere where I could scream and cry and deal with all the emotions that it brought up. I felt trapped at that table. I felt like leaving would be perceived as rude or selfish. Truly, if you do feel that you absolutely must tell someone who has suffered through loss or IF in person, do it as they're leaving. Make sure that they have a good way of getting out of that situation. And honestly, if you can avoid doing it in person... do. It's not news that they need to hear face to face.

    Your pregnancy means something amazing to you, but it's going to hurt them and it's never appropriate to cause someone pain and then stick around to see them suffer. Even the best of intentions get lost in that pain.

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  • guilletskichukguilletskichuk member
    I have to admit that, before reading any of the replies to your post, my first response was to send an email. I agree with the PPs that it is the best way to relay the news to your friends while giving them time to process the news. I am sure they will be so very happy for you...but will need to deal with it in their own way. Telling them in person or over the phone may be hurtful to them, even though you're trying to be as sensitive as possible.
    Happily married to my Snorkelbutt - 07/31/10

    BFP #1 09/02/11  M/C 09/12/11 8w6days
    BFP #2 07/18/12 Baby S born on his EDD 03/23/13

    SS - age 12...SD - age 8...DS - 13 mos.
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  • wittyschaffywittyschaffy member
    Yep - email it shall be.  Makes perfect sense to me why that would probably be the best choice.  This will the the first kid to come around in my larger group of friends since they lost their baby so I suspect that it might be particularly tough on them.  I feel terrible knowing that it is probably going to stir up some really dark things for them but I think not addressing it directly will be a thousand times worse. 
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  • amurryduncanamurryduncan

    Just to clarify, they haven't lost a baby; they haven't been able to get pregnant. I do not want to pretend that I can comprehend either situation. I just want to be as understanding as possible. Maybe an email is the best way and then have an invitation for her to contact me when she is ready to talk or get together.

     Thanks for all the advice. 

     

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  • Country Girl in the CityCountry Girl in the City
    I am going through something similar.  My cousin's wife is due in December.  She is carrying the baby to term but it will not survive after birth.  My family has asked that I not announce since they are going through this.  I want to be sensitive but at some point the word is going to get out.  I found out on facebook that she was pregnant the same time that I had learned that my first IVF failed.  My family decided to keep her pregnancy a secret from me because of my IF.  I was livid that I found out on facebook and I want to be more sensitive to her.  I am not close to her so it is not like I can send her an email or give her a call, I don't even have her phone number or talk to her other than Christmas.
    BFP on IVF #2 6/29/2012. Beta #1 7/3 = 522; Beta #2 = 1180; Beta #3 = 6491 image BabyFruit Ticker
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