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Blended Families
CFjo2010
member
So much for August being "Child Support Awareness" Month
CFjo2010
member
I got a call from the TN Child Support agency today. After several attempts to confirm BD's address and serve him with the Interstate Action, they have been unable to "locate" him. They tried serving him at his mother's residence (the address that was confirmed previously) and she is now revoking that confirmation. Since they can't locate him to serve him, their hands are tied as far as enforcement efforts go. Basically, I'm now back to square one.
I find myself incredibly angry and sad at the same time. I'm angry that he continues to get away with doing nothing to support his children. I'm angry that his family, who should have the kids' best interests at heart, helps hide him and condone his behavior. I'm angry that the freaking government can't do what it's supposed to do and find the douchelord and serve him. I'm angry that I had to miss work to complete all the paperwork and do all the legwork to get this action started and now all the agencies are doing is saying, "So sorry, too bad", and then offers no alternatives.
Mostly I'm sad. I'm sad sometimes good people get screwed. I'm sad that I'm beginning to feel indebted to my husband for picking up the kids' father's slack and providing for them. I'm sad that for the first time in 5 years, BD's failure to pay CS is impacting my relationship with my husband and impacting my family's budget. We've never struggled with finances per se, but now with the medical expenses associated with this pregnancy, needing maternity clothes, paying for all 3 kids' activities/back to school supplies/clothes/etc, upcoming holidays and my crazy food aversions, something has to give. I feel like I've let my husband down and I've let my children down. I'm sad that I can't say what I want to say about the children's father and I have to "pretend" that he's not a total waste of flesh.
Now I really want some ice cream with Sour Patch kids mixed in. Thanks for listening/reading.
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Re: So much for August being "Child Support Awareness" Month
I've got to get it out of the way - douchelord *snicker*
Okay, returning to mature adulthood. I'm really sorry you're having to put up with this. I hope that something gives for you. Try not to worry too much about things like the holidays, they are a ways off yet. As far as feeling like you've let your family down or being indebted to your DH, you know better. Your ex being a jacka$$ doesn't make you one. You're also a stepparent, do you feel that your DH owes you anything for you helping take care of K? I doubt it. He chose this life because he loves you and your kids and is willing and eager to help you raise them. You should appreciate him for it, not owe him for it.
What size are you looking for in maternity, I was just about to get rid of my last couple of things.
Ugh. Your XH pisses me off. Support your kids. And he wonders why DS & DD don't enjoy spending time with him, and why DD wants to have your H last name.
And it's total crap that his mom is aiding in him not supporting the kids.
There's so much more I want to say, but there are just no words for what a douche he is...
Unfortunately he figured out years ago that the State can't garnish wages if he works for cash. He does contracting and flooring jobs so people write him a check, and then he cashes it. He and his wife removed his name from their checking account years ago so that the accounts can't be levied. After a couple tax returns were intercepted, his wife now files her taxes as "married filing separate" so that his SSN isn't attached. They attempted to sub-serve his wife with the paperwork at her job, but she changed jobs and I don't know where she's working now.
Its strange to me what lengths a person will go to in an effort to avoid supporting their children, and then turn around and pretend that they care about the children. It would be so much easier if he just completely disappeared. He's made it clear that the kids aren't a priority to him, so why not let my husband adopt them like he wants to and be completely free?
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Deep down I know you're right. My husband knew from the beginning that BD is a worthless piece of flesh and yet he still stayed. In fact, my husband is the one who pushed for me to stop working last year so that I could finally be home with the kids since I was never able to before. It's just hard knowing while we're modifying our budget to cut things out, that if I was actually receiving the CS I'm supposed to then everything would be covered. The next few months are just extra stressful with football and cheer starting up and the baby being due in December. Once the start-up costs associated with the kids' activities are out of the way things will settle down a bit. My husband is amazing and he's never once complained about providing for the kids or suggested not having them in their activities. I know he doesn't feel that I "owe" him for what he does. But when this type of mess happens, I can't help but feel like I need to apologize for having kids with the Douche-Lord and putting our family in this situation.
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After reading all this, my mind is just blown. He is a useless piece of sh!t. A dad takes care of their kids... You guys have court in... September I think it was? For making his visits supervised or in your area, correct? Can the CS issue be addressed then? I sure hope so..
And, I'm not always a fan of a SP adopting their SK(s), but in this case I really do think it would be for the better.
Well to look on the bright side.....if he doesn't have a confirmed address, the kids don't have to visit him, right?
(Usually I don't agree with keeping kids from their parents, but after the "communications cut off" during their summer visitation, I would not want the kids with him unsupervised!).
Hopefully the way he is operating will scr*w him in the *ss. For example, if he divorces his current W, nothing is in his name and she'll get everything. HA!
I'm so aggravated for you after reading this.
So does this DL rent and not have ANY assets in his name that the state can seize and sell to compensate you for all the back support you are owed?
What kind of cash jobs is he working? Like construction? If so check and see if he has a contractor's license in TN.
It stinks that you have to do all the legwork, but this guy is really going out of his way to dodge his responsiblity to his kids and that is disgusting.
He has a kid with the new wife if I remember correctly. Sure makes you wonder why she would think it was a good idea to procreate with someone not willing to support kids he already has.
I'm sorry you are going through this, and thankful you have a great DH to lean on and who is supportive emotionally.
dont be SAD.. YOU did not let them down. YOU are supporting them YOU love them.. YOU are their MOM... that man that claims to be their birth father is just a sperm donor... YOUR DH has taken them in as if they were his own... you be PROUD for what you do for them... and stop punishing yourself for what you cant get them... we all know money gets tight at times and kiddos will eventually forget.. they probably wont even notice.. enjoy your little ones.. their BD is the one missing out and if one day they dont want to interact with him it will be HIS fault not yours... SO BE HAPPY ENJOY THEM AND DONT LET CONFLICT COME BETWEEN YOUR DH AND YOU.. YOU STARTED A NEW LIFE TOGETHER ENJJOOYYY IIT!
BEST of Luck
Our hearing is in November regarding the lack of disclosure of the kids whereabouts. Truthfully, I know he's living where he says he's living. He's just avoiding service so that he can't be charged with contempt among other things. See, TN has to personally give him notice that they are opening a case out there against him. He's figured out to keep pretty much everything out of his name, but he does have a car in his name and they own a couple quads. But unless and until they can serve him, there isn't much they can do.
DL is remarried and they have a son together. I have no idea why someone chose to marry him. She knew that he doesn't pay his CS. Maybe she didn't realize the amount he was in arrearages before they got married, but she does now. And she continues to defend him and make excuses for him. She believes that he shouldn't have to pay CS anymore since I'm remarried. Ok, so then what was his excuse for not paying CS those 5 years before I got remarried? I would think it gets pretty old constantly having to hide income and duck service, but they seem to enjoy doing it.
Thanks for all the support everyone. I know my post was erring on the side of an Emo adolescent. It just gets really tiring having to fight to get things done for my kids. Especially when I see that my husband pays is CS on time, every month and never complains.
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Let me preface this by saying - I know this is wrong. I know that this is the wrong thinking. I know that the two aren't tied together, and that we have gone over this a million times on this board. BUT, your situation is insane, and I think it warrants at least entertaining the idea...
I think maybe you should do some disappearing yourself. change your #'s. Move if you can. Have your parents change their #'s. MAKE HIM FIND YOU if he wants to see his children. His kids know he is a POS, they don't want to see him, they have an absolutely terrible time every time they are forced to go. I would make it very hard on him, as he has you.
I know. I know that's totally terrible advice. I know I'll probably get flamed to high hell and that everyone is going to say 'you're going to get contempt charges filed on you, be the bigger person, yada yada yada'. I"m normally that person. Your ex is seriously a douchelord though, and I really despise the man even though I've never met him. His wife is a disgusting person as well. If he finally gets ahold of you however long down the road, I'd say that you tried every means you had to get him the information, (hell, take an add out in the newspaper so you have some documentation that you tried if you have to. YOu know he won't read it) but he was unable to be found. Too bad so sad.
I think I've stooped to a new low by suggesting this... but I honestly think if I were in your situation, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
Honestly, I've considered this. But the selfish part of me won't do it because I want to always be able to tell the kids that I never interfered with their relationship with their father. I don't want them to ever come back at me and claim that I kept him from them.
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Be the squeaky wheel. If you keep calling CS services about this they will get something done. They're a freaking government agency, there is something they can do. They can't just say "well, he won't answer the door so we can't make him pay child support." If it were that easy then 95% of the men wouldn't be paying child support. If you don't get anywhere talking to the people at the other end of the line, ask for higher ups. Repeat as necessary.
It does suck that you have to do so much work, but govt agencies are understaffed and overworked, someone is going to get the short end of the stick and it isn't going to be the people who keep calling.
While this may be true for some people, I have been actively calling and going in to my local office almost weekly since December. Short of hopping on a plane and flying out to TN, I have done all of the legwork for them. My only other option would be to hire a PI and attorney in TN, and frankly we just don't have the money.
As long as he's able to hide his income and keep his name off accounts and assets, all the State can do is file for criminal contempt charges. But they have to personally serve him first. With his family hiding him, it's nearly impossible. The only family member they've been able to actually make contact with is his mother. Since she verified that he no longer lives at her address, they cannot sub-serve her. His license has already been suspended, but he lives out in the sticks. The chances of him getting pulled over are slim to none.
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Ah, I didn't know you were in a different state. I imagine that makes a huge difference. That is a pretty sucktastic deal. I can't believe that people like him find women to marry and help them. And also manage to convince their moms to help them be total worthless good for nothings.
I don't know anything about serving someone in TN, but could you place an ad in his local newspaper since he is avoiding all other types of service?
This is probably super low and super tacky for me to suggest, and I hardly know if it is even legal, but what about buying ad space in the local paper in TN and placing a sort of "Wanted" ad describing DL(maybe a pic) and listing his CS arrears total $ and a contact number if anyone reading it knows his whereabouts,etc.
Um, this is actually a super awesome idea. I have all the documentation from DCSS showing his arrearages, so he can't sue me for libel or defamation because truth is an absolute defense. I might actually entertain this idea and double check with my lwayer about possible consequences.
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I hope your lawyer thinks this is an awesome idea. I REALLY want you to be able to do this. Then all his friends, coworkers, family, etc. will know what a DL he really is.
Since he lives out of State, the next time he's actually supposed to see the kids is next Summer.
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