XP: Breastfeeding.Need Support About Stopping

angelfire02 · August 2012

I have struggled with severe breast infections for 13 weeks, I have tried 4 different oral antibiotics, 4 different topical creams, and all of my patience. I am in chronic pain from pumping and the few times I have been able to breastfeed. I have seen two different LC's and three different doctors and today I was finally told by the breastfeeding guru that I started working with that there is nothing else I can do, I have to stop. Today I was in incredible pain while pumping, I looked down and I was pour out blood into the pumping bottle. I have had blood before but it was always surface blood. Last night I had milk blisters and blood blisters on my nipples so I thought it was that, but it went on and on and I ended up pumping out 1 1/2 ounces of blood. It was coming from deep within my breast and all mixed in with the milk. When I looked at it, there were three huge clots in there that were pure blood. I called the LC guru and she went over everything we have already done and basically told me that at this point it is getting to be a life threatening infection. We are out of options for antibiotics (I am allergic to pennecillan and azithromicin). I was crushed and cried the entire 45 minutes I was on the phone with her. I had to have an emergency hystorectomy during my c-section and I feel like my body just continues to fail me. I was producing more than enough for my babies and I was bound and determined to stick with this for a year. I was pumping and started breastfeeding last week. I already miss that bonding time with them but it was so insanely painful that I know it's the right decision. I have been really sad about having to stop all day, I am trying to focus on the positives, I do have enough milk stored to mix half BM and half formula for hopefully at least 2 months. Anyway, any supportive words would be greatly, greatly appreciated. I'm so bummed.

LottaLattes · August 2012

(((((HUGS))))

You have done all you can and you have done your very best. You are a good mom and it's ok to quit, absolutely.

It is really, really hard to give up on something you wanted to do, especially like this but you honestly don't have a choice. Hang in there, it sucks but it'll be okay and your babies will be just fine too. A healthy mama is the most important thing they need!

macchiatto · August 2012

I am so sorry! You have done AMAZING pushing through so much to get to this point. You should honestly be very proud of yourself; you have done absolutely everything you can and will continue to be a fantastic MoM when you are formula-feeding, too. (((HUGS)))

PurrCrasher · August 2012

Oh Honey, my heart just breaks for you. I couldn't even imagine trying to deal with all that. I'm impressed by everything you have done up until this point and I think that most women would have quit long ago. I'm sure it is so hard for you to feel like your body has failed you but hopefully looking at the two amazing babies that it grew and nurtured will help you feel better about the amazing gift your body was able to give you. I've never been in your shoes but I realize that there is no guarentee that I won't be some day and I hope that if I ever have to face struggles like you have that I am even half as brave. Keep your chin up, sister. You clearly gave it your all and hopefully once you heal you will see that you did everything you possibly could have and feel better about all of this.

Venus04d · August 2012

You have done everything you can do. Your babies will still get everything they need. It's okay to stop. You know what's better for babies than breastmilk? A happy, healthy mother. ((hugs)) You're doing great, mama.

tarajayne · August 2012

Ditto to all the pp's. You are doing the right thing for you and for your children. The breast milk they have gotten so far is so beneficial (and you have 2 more months worth, amazing!) , and there is nothing wrong with giving it up. I had to give it up too for many factors one of which was pain, but I had nothing like what you are describing

Take care of yourself and those LO's!

CourtneySue · August 2012

Oh my sweetie! You have gone above & beyond. I cry just from my raw & blistered nipples & they sound nothing like what you have been through. I struggle everyday & have only been going at it for 3 weeks. I think twin mamas go too hard too fast with the pump to get enough for 2. Please dont beat yourself up about it.

pillowass · August 2012

OMG you poor thing! I agree with the others - your efforts have been heroic, and while there is definitely a grieving process when you are forced by circumstance to give up on breastfeeding, know that your babies can definitely thrive on formula.

I had major supply issues with my son, so I know a little bit about what you are going through. Here are some resources that helped me when I switched to formula:

There is a book called "Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense" by Ellen Sattyr that has a wonderful and supportive chapter on formula feeding. (Here is the Amazon link: https://tinyurl.com/9rkx593)

Another article that helped me is "The Case Against Breastfeeding" by Hanna Rosin in The Atlantic Magazine. (https://tinyurl.com/yzayv95) The title is meant to get people's attention but she is not against breastfeeding at all - she just thinks that formula feeding has been unnecessarily demonized in some parts of our culture and that women who want to breastfeed aren't offered meaningful support. (i.e. we get unpaid time off to pump in a closet while other countries offer paid maternity leave)

My takeaway was that while breastfeeding is marginally better nutritionally, the bulk of the benefits of breastfeeding come from the closeness and bonding that happens during nursing. With formula, there is always the temptation to stick your baby in a bouncy chair and prop a bottle up while you go do something else. By adopting certain techniques (always hold your baby while feeding, skin to skin when possible, proper positioning, eye contact during feeding, etc.) you and your babies can have a really beautiful experience with bottle feeding. And I promise that they will be no worse for the wear!

Good luck and I hope your body heals quickly. ((hugs))

srbmvp · August 2012

I'm so sorry you are having to go through all this! It sounds like you definitely have to stop, and I can understand your disappointment at that. But keep in mind, you have gone above and beyond to give it your best shot, and that is something to be proud of! Plus, your babies have gotten breastmilk, and any amount is something that will benefit them for the rest of their lives. And at the end of the day, you have to take care of YOU, so that you can be the best Mommy possible for your babies.

You should be very proud of all you have done for your kids. Focus on the positive, though I know that's hard right now.

Hugs!!!

Jen0204 · August 2012

I didn't go through nearly the amount that you've gone through, but I had the exact same feeling when I stopped pumping (due to an absolutely dismal supply) - that my body failed me and, more importantly, the babies. I had problems from 26 weeks on and had to give birth at 36 weeks because of high blood pressure and then my supply never came in and I wasn't successful in breastfeeding. When I expressed on here that I felt like my body just couldn't do anything that it was supposed to people on here said that it DID do what it was supposed to - it gave me two healthy babies. That was an excellent way of looking at it for me.

Honestly stopping was the best thing ever. I was pumping 8 times a day to get a total of 7 ounces if I was lucky. Between feedings (all with bottles) and pumping I felt like I had no time to just be with my babies. I feel like I'm able to bond with them so much more then when I was trying to get them breast milk. I still feel twinges of guilt here and there, but it was definitely the right decision.

Just keep in mind that one of the best things that you can do for your babies is keep YOU healthy. You've exhausted every option and spoken to numerous professionals. You have tried your best and done well by your babies.

MuseumMaven · August 2012

You have gone WAY beyond what most moms are willing to do in order to breast feed. I understand being sad - I would be too. But the best thing you can do for your babies is be healthy and take care of yourself. They'll do fine on formula - tons of babies do.

(((hugs)))

Breezy8407 · August 2012

So sorry you are dealing with all that. It sounds awful.

I basically EP'd until 3 months, and then had enough for one bottle of BM a day for another 2 weeks. This was all done fairly easily and I was still torn about stopping. It was just becoming overwhelming with working 40+hours a week and trying to keep my sanity. A healthy, happy mom = happy babies. Sometimes there is only so much you can physically do to make it happen. You have done amazing already...every little drop counts and like many here have told me, it's not all or nothing.

erniebufflo · August 2012

I had to give up breastfeeding after developing life-threatening postpartum complications (complications that also mean I can't have any more babies). I was crushed to have something I wanted so badly taken away. You have to know that it's OK to grieve this. Feel what you feel about it and work through those feelings. You WILL eventually come to a place where you are OK with this, and maybe even more than OK.

The only thing you can't do is feel GUILTY. Being sad is not the same thing as feeling guilty You're not failing your babies, and you're not less of a mother because you can't breastfeed.

Now, looking back, I'm kind of glad it didn't work out. My husband and I now share in feedings, and I'm getting a lot more sleep than I would be if I were nursing. My girls are healthy and thriving and growing.

angelfire02 · August 2012

erniebufflo:

I had to give up breastfeeding after developing life-threatening postpartum complications (complications that also mean I can't have any more babies). I was crushed to have something I wanted so badly taken away. You have to know that it's OK to grieve this. Feel what you feel about it and work through those feelings. You WILL eventually come to a place where you are OK with this, and maybe even more than OK.

The only thing you can't do is feel GUILTY. Being sad is not the same thing as feeling guilty You're not failing your babies, and you're not less of a mother because you can't breastfeed.

Now, looking back, I'm kind of glad it didn't work out. My husband and I now share in feedings, and I'm getting a lot more sleep than I would be if I were nursing. My girls are healthy and thriving and growing.

Thank you, I just have to tell you that 1. Your girls are gorgeous, and 2. Your blog post about testing your patience is. my. life. I have the most level headed husband ever and I could lose it over the cat being dumb, but you are so right that being calm is the only way you survive some days! Just had to tell you.

angelfire02 · August 2012

Wow. I just want to say such a deep felt thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the kind words and information I have received from you all. I was so, so sad yesterday but after reading all of the super supportive responses and some more time has passed, I'm starting to feel better about my situation. I just wanted to say thank you so much, you all are awesome!!!

erniebufflo · August 2012

angelfire02:
erniebufflo:

I had to give up breastfeeding after developing life-threatening postpartum complications (complications that also mean I can't have any more babies). I was crushed to have something I wanted so badly taken away. You have to know that it's OK to grieve this. Feel what you feel about it and work through those feelings. You WILL eventually come to a place where you are OK with this, and maybe even more than OK.

The only thing you can't do is feel GUILTY. Being sad is not the same thing as feeling guilty You're not failing your babies, and you're not less of a mother because you can't breastfeed.

Now, looking back, I'm kind of glad it didn't work out. My husband and I now share in feedings, and I'm getting a lot more sleep than I would be if I were nursing. My girls are healthy and thriving and growing.

Thank you, I just have to tell you that 1. Your girls are gorgeous, and 2. Your blog post about testing your patience is. my. life. I have the most level headed husband ever and I could lose it over the cat being dumb, but you are so right that being calm is the only way you survive some days! Just had to tell you.

Thanks, I'm glad you could relate! And I'm SO glad you're feeling better about the BFing. I promise, it gets better, and you will eventually be able to move from grief to acceptance to seeing the positives.

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